Grace Like Rain

Philia

2011-02-08T00:23:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, I consider love.
It's probably one of the most over-used, under-sincere words in the english language. I had a pastor who once compared the love for his wife to his love for fried chicken.. I know that in Greek, there are actually many different words which all mean love.Let's see how much I remember.
Agape is the most widely known. That is the self-sacrificing, "true" love. The type of love Jesus had for us when he sacrificed himself to atone for our sins. It is the love described in the "love" chapter of the bible; 1 Corinthians 13.
Eros is the love of passion. I know that Plato once said eros 'helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty', and 'contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth.'
Philia is the love of friendship, a virtuous love. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity.
Storge is the lesser-known love, and means "affection" in Greek. It's used to describe the feeling one has toward family members. It can also be used in situations of "loving the one who hurts you"
I sincerely wish we had this many words to describe love in English, because I feel the word has become a cliche. I had to spend time going over my testimony this past week, and it got me thinking about how much my mom told me she loved me growing up, and how much I tell the people in my life that I love them. No matter how much I do, I never feel like it is enough.
I think of Philia love, and how much of that I see displayed every day in my life. Clint speaks so often of community, to such a point that I begin to wonder if our community is all that it could be. But when I reflect on the past year of my life, and even the past couple days, all I see is love and community. That's what sticks out to me. Jen bringing me ginger ale when I had the flu, or Clint bringing food to the MacBain's when Carol's dad passed away, or everyone supporting the Thompson's after Aiden was born.
I think of our cellgroup, and how we're always praying for those with us and who cannot make it, and the overwhelming amount of love they showed me last night.
Maybe love is overused and undersincere, but I hope everyone in pathways finds comfort in the fact that it is never under-represented or under-appreciated.

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
1 Corinthians 13 The Message

Saints of Servitude

2010-09-17T23:37:00.000-07:00

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury, pardon
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted
to understand, than to be understood
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by giving that one receives.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Oh the glory that the Lord has made, and the complications you could do without

2010-08-08T02:36:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a great amount of heartbreak for so many reasons that I can't really find the words for.
It's a painful thing; not having the necessary words.
Sometimes I wish I could cry.
It's like my tear ducts are always too proud.
Or maybe, in this case, that would make it too real.

"I read about how you touched them and they were healed.
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed;
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though, did you ever just hug people
I mean, I know that it is a silly question and all; I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you've?
But it's one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it
And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins, and last time I checked all my body parts were properly working; nothing special here.
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets.
I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is okay for me to imagine, right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology, is it
Okay good. Then hug me.
But not one of these sideways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pat pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
No, none of those.
BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because you're squeezing me so hard.
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that.
And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry
because I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged
So hold me in this hugging pose
Until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose "

Normal is the watchword

2010-08-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

I really appreciate Catherine Chalk.
I had the terrific opportunity to spend a significant amount of time with her today sitting on a couch talking, and it was such a blessing. I truly love our ability to be honest and lay everything out on the table right off the bat. I've realized recently that honesty is something I wholly admire in a person. I've had a lot of uncertainties in my life, and although I can appreciate the fact that not everything is black and white or cut and dry, I will take any opportunity to dispel the gray areas. During my conversation with her I also found myself reawakening a certain sense of self that I seem to be missing lately.
I love camp, but I feel like a floater here. Things that seemed so trivial before, take a greater importance in my life, and I spend a lot less time being conscious of what I have and my place in my own story.
I'm not sure if this actually makes any sense... but I'm just going to keep trucking along...

When I'm at home, despite whether I'm having a bad day or not, my purpose is clear, and I feel so solid and grounded. And I do spend a lot of time feeling that way here, don't get me wrong, camp has done amazing things for me; in the past and in these last few weeks. But I think different parts of me tend to be highlighted when I'm in either place.
I remember before I left for camp, I desperately needed a break. I felt so strained, and coming here was such a blessing. I could feel different things instantly falling into place, and started to wonder if Vernon was really where I was meant to be.
In the last little while, though, I realized that there are parts of myself, parts that I have felt growing and maturing and really adding to my character, that tend to fall away while I'm here.
I am apprehensive about returning home in 2 weeks, but at the same time, it feels right and feels like time. There is so much left to experience there, and so many people I feel at a loss without.
It's bizarre to think that this time last year, those people weren't even on my radar. I've always liked and admired Nicole, but I never considered she'd become my very best friend and confidante. I didn't even know Jen last year, and now I can't imagine my life without her. The MacBain's are like family to me, and I miss holding Ethan, Tenaya, Nathan, Ben and Lucas in my arms when I'm away. It physically aches a little to think that Janelle isn't up to date on my ENTIRE life, and I miss walking into work and instantly being cheered by Andre's smile.
I'm so grateful for the parts everyone has played in my life this past year, and I'm very excited for the next year.
I suppose that's all.
Namaste.

A glass can only spill what it contains

2010-08-01T02:14:00.000-07:00

So I have made the conscious decision to start blogging again. I miss writing in a very achy way, and I should probably get back into practice before classes start up.
I'm not sure how I feel about life these days. I've been having a lot of D&M's (Deep and Meaningful) with Caitlyn recently, because I've been feeling like I'm losing sight of myself.
I've been priding myself over the past few months on how self-aware I seemed to be getting, but now I'm just not so sure. I've been through a lot of really intense stuff in my short life, and yet it seems to me that it's the more inconsequential stuff that appears to be throwing my life into a tailspin lately. Maybe it is that realization that has me so on edge.
Regardless, my heart has been feeling pretty strained lately. It's being stretched and squeezed to it's limits, and although I am aware that it's a muscle to be worked, it's not something I enjoy all that much. I was pouring it all out to Caitlyn earlier this evening about the things I feel versus the things I know to be true. That although I feel utterly heartbroken all the time, I know that healing is taking place in direct correlation, and despite my extreme emotional highs and lows, I am completely aware of where I am and what I need/am ready for regardless of how I feel.
It's funny, I had a moment after unleashing this wave of emotion where I felt completely vulnerable and embarrassed of everything I had told her, and was sure she was going to write me off as being a complete basketcase, but instead, she told me how impressed she was with how aware I was of my own needs and emotional boundaries.
It seems ridiculous now that I would ever think Caitlyn would think I was a basketcase; she's such a steadfast best friend, and she sees all the beauty and maturity in me that I fail to ever recognize on my own.
I feel lately like I have to work to constantly remind myself that I am safe and taken care of, and despite many possible pitfalls, I have so many terrific things going for me.
I thank God every day for Caitlyn, and her unwavering ability to make me see that.

This somehow became a lovenote to her, so I'll continue my emotional downfall later on.
Namaste.

ps. I've started listening to mewithoutYou a lot while writing; it is brilliant and therapeutic. Try it sometime.

Maybe our stars are unanimously tired

2010-03-11T13:48:00.000-08:00

I don't want to hurt anymore.
I can't.
You mean more to me than anyone I have ever met.
I would do anything for you, and that scares me, because I'm not entirely sure you've done enough to deserve that.
You're so good, and so kind, and yet somewhere along the line, that ended between us.
I've been holding out for a sign that this isn't just useless progress, and I don't see it, despite all the ways I try to make myself believe there's something there. Something that isn't pain.
I love you, and I want to be in your life so badly, but I also know that, at least right now, you being in mine is just causing a lot of damage.
So I'm letting go.
It hurts so much more than I could have ever imagined.
But I need to do this.
I need to let you go.

Beyond Words

2010-02-08T00:04:00.000-08:00

And I'll still love you
Beyond what words can say
I'll take your every suffering moment
And bring a better day
I'll still love you
More then what I hope to be
Let me wrap my arms around you
Let me take your breath away

Before the gleam of your taillights fading East to find yourself a better life

2010-02-05T09:57:00.000-08:00

I haven't really felt like writing lately. Last night I was telling Jen about how, growing up, my mom always talked about the day when I would become a famous author, and I would sign it "Mahala Sarah" and make the dedication out to my mom, who taught me everything I know. I would usually just roll my eyes when she floated off into this fantasy world of hers, but it's a dream I still keep tucked away. I seem to be doing that a lot. Tucking things away. Dreams, hopes, ambitions, little prayers.. and I don't think it's what God wants for me. When I was a little girl, I had this picture in my mind of what my life would look like when I was 20 years old. I was talking to Clint yesterday about how, "whenever we start something new, there's always a certain expectation... and then there's reality." They rarely match up perfectly.

So does that mean that we should get rid of expectation entirely. Be satisfied with whatever we can get?
I think this post stopped being about life goals somewhere along the way.
But I may as well continue.... I'm starting to think that that's not good enough for me. I deserve more than "the best I can get. "

The glove compartment isn't accurately named, and everybody knows it - so I'm proposing a swift orderly change.

Cause behind it's door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm, and all I find are souvenirs from better times.

Chill

2010-01-04T11:47:00.000-08:00

You stand still in the cold, paralyzed in your anguish, transfixed
By each swirling snowflake, which remind you every
Year without fail of the off-white hospital room and how you thought
That falling snowflakes were a lot like a crumbling tower.
And now you know without a moments hesitation that you’re the tower which
Resembles now, more than anything, the snow in February,
You know the kind, half-melted, and off-colored from months of
Shoe-soles and snow-shovels to the face.

And the chill, it creeps through the deep fissures
In your armor and that’s all it takes, you never think to take heed
Bat an eyelash - you stay peacefully inattentive, distracted by delirium
Not a single tremor until the fateful day it reaches the thick
Of your bones and by then, what can you do
But sit in careful deliberate silence, for fear the next insubstantial upset might crash
Your world to pieces and through the cracks will spill
Sorrow and you’re too focused on staying alive and breathing to realize that
You’re already deceased and buried in your silence and your stillness.

Mahala Sarah Woodford

Immortalized

2009-12-01T02:37:00.001-08:00

Ellen-Marie Woodford (nee Bausman)

Green Eyes

MYSTERY Hair

4'10.5

Nail biter

Neat freak

Loves baking cookies/brownies

Hates winter and the color yellow

Loves flowers and the color green

Favorite animal - monkey

Terrible dancer

Always singing

Loves to talk and be with people

Infectious laugh

Can't drive standard

Always smells like lavender

Can make anything rhyme

Always has a story to tell

Hand talker

Major fan of the eskimo kiss

Hates being called "Ellie"

Has a "preterition's" nose

Maker of the best french toast in the continent

2009-12-01T01:42:00.000-08:00

5 years.

How can it be 5 years already?

That's a quarter of my life.

Soon, the rest is going to fly by... by the time I'm 31, you'll have been dead for more of my life than you were here with me.

What if soon it's like you never existed at all?

How can it be that you have not been a part of my life for 5 years, and yet you're everything in me.

Heartbreak Warfare

2009-11-23T14:18:00.000-08:00

So I'm really joyful these days. Things are going very well. I feel very grounded in my faith, and I love gaining more and more knowledge about my creator every day. It's such a blessing!

I've made some really great friends, I really like my job, and I concretely believe that Marion Houlbrook is the greatest woman alive. She's so sweet and hilarious and compassionate, and I feel like I can talk to her about anything. I am so glad that I've gotten to know her. Also, she knows all the words to "Walk Like An Egyptian".

This next month or so is going to be crazy. On top of work, classes and cell groups, next weekend, I'm going down to Vancouver for the Canadian Youth Workers Convention. The weekend after that is the CHT Banquet in Burnaby, which I'm very excited about. I miss all my friends so much, and it will be great to see everyone again... especially Chelle. She and the Nanaimo youth are staying in a hotel and I have already dibs'd a room with her. (Pathways doesn't really have a strong youth component... yet... so I'm going down as an independent). The weekend AFTER that I'm going to be helping Nicole with the annual christmas toy drive, and shortly after that I'll be back down to Burnaby for Christmas with the fam.

It's a lot of traveling, but I am SO excited for the impending weeks. It's going to be grand. Lately, I've just been working and spending time with the community around me. This weekend we had a Christmas Party for the women of Pathways, and it was a lot of fun. Yesterday I hung around playing videogames with Joel, and last night, Clint, Joel and I did a prayer walk around the downtown - it was freezing, but really great. This weekend is going to be spent babysitting and celebrating Joel's 24th Birthday! ....basically a senior citizen.

But I have to be getting to work, so I'll cut this short.

Grace!

When all the flames came rushing, well, you know that it was beautiful.

2009-11-13T02:00:00.001-08:00

I hate being that person. I hate that piece of me. That in a second I go from someone I like to someone who I don't really recognize. Because I don't identify that way, that's not the person I am, but it is a perfect shadow of my insecuritiy... I don't need you to validate myself, but I do it anyway. It's stopping now.

Okay, now with that out of the way.

It's November... how did that happen? I guess I've been in Vernon awhile now. I like it a lot, not that I've seen much of it. Right now I'm stuck at home with a flu, and outside of that there's work and homework and other fun stuff. But the people are great, and my job is excellent, and I really love it.

God works in incredible ways, and I'm seeing that so clearly here.

Hallelujah.

Back to bed pour moi.

Arrivederci

Don't drop your arms; I'll guard your heart

2009-10-19T22:17:00.000-07:00

So today was my first full day in Vernon. So far it's looking pretty great. I had the opportunity to hang out with Ethan and Tenaya (Clint's kids) and they really are incredible. Marion is such a kind and wonderful person and I'm really excited to get to know her more. I got to see the foodbank and thrift stores, and tonight Clint took me on a tour of the downtown area. It's strange to think of how every city is so different, and yet they all have so many similarities. All the barren places have the same sort of spirit surrounding them. Maybe it's just some crazy wave of discernment. I'm definitely stoked to get more of a feel for the town. We also took a look around the 24/7 Prayer room, which has been pretty much abandoned for the past few years, which is really heartbreaking. It's really an eerily breathtaking place, and I'm really praying for it to get started up again.

There's a lot more on my mind, spirit and heart, but I'm also very exhausted, and I've got some reading to get caught up on.

GRACE

You're my beloved, lover I'm yours; Death shall not part us, it's you I died for

2009-10-16T03:07:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I'd come and stay in Vancouver with my mainland relatives for the entire Summer. During one Summer, I remember marching up to my Oma with purpose and saying, "Oma. You're not allowed to die. Never." She pulled me up into her lap and told me that everyone had to go when God called them, and I didn't have to be sad, because it meant that He had a very important job for them to do in Heaven with Him. I digested what she had told me and responded with, "Yeah, but you're needed here. So you're not going to go until I tell Him it's okay." I don't remember, but I think the conversation sort of ended at that point. A few weeks later, back at home, I relayed the conversation back to my mom. I asked her if she was going to stick around like Oma. I remember cuddling up with her on the couch and having her whisper into my hair that no matter what happened, she would never leave me. At the time, I took this as an iron-clad reassurance that I'd have my mommy around forever. A few years later, my mom was on bed rest after a particularly lengthy hospital visit. My Oma was visiting from Vancouver, and I had chosen, at that moment, to take out my confusion and frustration on the world by shouting and refusing to clean my room. For the first time in my entire life, my Oma yelled at me. She scolding me, how dare I be so selfish when my mom was in such pain. Slowly, her shouting became sobbing, and she collapsed on my bedroom floor wondering aloud how God could do this to my mother, pleading about how it wasn't right for a child to die before their mother. She kept repeating, "It's just not right", and I stood there, staring, bewildered. Not only because I was seeing her vulnerable for the first time, but because the words tumbling from her trembling lips didn't make sense to me. My mom wasn't dying. She had promised. She had made a solemn oath to my hair years prior that she would never leave me. Even at 14, knowing that bad things happen, already jaded and knowing that people are flawed and pain is a reality, I still held on to that promise deep in my heart. After she passed away, my heart changed. I grew up and grew into the understanding that when she held me that night and promised to be at my side forever, she meant it with everything inside of her. Because my mom is always with me, everywhere I go. She is that promise in my heart.

I need your strong hands to carry me; Take me, break me, set me free

2009-10-16T00:54:00.001-07:00

Alrighty. So I am presently having a chat with an old friend of mine. Cordell is pretty much one of the first people I think of when I think of spiritual giants. Now, the last time I saw Cordell, he was 15 or so... and not the biggest kid in the world (not that I'm one to talk) but his great faith has always astounded me. When I first met him, a little over 2 years ago, in XLR8, nobody really knew much about him. But I learned really quickly that I had met a guy who would be doing some incredible things for the kingdom of God in his lifetime. He was like a walking prophesy. So talking to him lately has been a real blessing. Seeing how much he's grown in the past 2 years (spiritually, emotionally, physically... pretty sure he towers WAY over me now!), and, in comparison, how I've grown.
Anyway, the point of this post was not to talk about how awesome Cordell is... it's about what he and I were discussing. The call for something more. The thought that many of us are sleepwalking. We need a rude awakening. We need some sort of spiritual ice water to get us out of our lulls and do something for the kingdom of God, whatever that looks like in each of our lives. This weekend, for those of us going to SYC, it's a huge opportunity to wake up and smell the redemption. And for those of you who cannot make it (or, aren't Salvo and have no idea what the heck I'm talking about), why not make this weekend an opportunity regardless. You don't need a oceanside camp full of 200 screaming teenagers to do it. But I think it's time we woke up.

ps. Stoked to hang out with you this weekend, Cordell. Now get to bed!

These Ties That Bind Are So Pedestrian

2009-10-01T00:27:00.000-07:00

Please attempt a critique. Not sure what I think of it as of yet.

Your eyes are blue, deep blue, like the ocean after a storm

And they shine, an incandescent glow, like the lighthouse, directing great ships home

Well, if you are the ocean, can I be your waves?

And if you are the lighthouse, am I the one that you save?

Because I've been stranded, abandoned, confined here for too long

And the only thing that gets me through is the glimmer, the gleam; your glow

The steady beat of your heart scanning the water; calm and slow

The assurance in each breaker, as the rush, it pulls me deeper.

And all the while, not breaking stride, or casting your eyes

Away from mine, and for that one euphoric moment I

Can feel your love resounding, and for only that split second I

Forget that I am drowning.

And they are blue, deep blue, just like the waves that pull me under

and I can barely catch my breath, and perhaps forget to struggle

Because while I sink beneath the billows and fight through tangled reed

I finally start to realize, you're merely brick and salty sea

And yet for that last eternal second, I can't bear to look abroad

And instead, gaze at your figure, while your lighthouse beams glow on.

God of strength, our weakness shows

2009-09-30T03:22:00.001-07:00

Tonight in bible study we were discussing Thirst.

That desire, that deep longing for something more.

How life is this giant search for something of value, though many of us are not sure quite what it is or where to find it. We questioned how exactly we're supposed to recognize the desire if it's always been there. If we were always hungry or thirsty, would we recognize that we need to eat or drink, or do we only recognize it because we know what it's like to have that need satisfied.

I once read a book that presented the idea that we are all seeking out a relationship with God. Christian or not, our soul is constantly pulling us, tugging at our heartstrings, giving us that thirsty feeling. In fact, the Bible says, in Ecclesiasties, that God has set eternity in the hearts of men. Once, centuries ago, we were intimately connected with God. When God created Adam and Eve, he walked with them. Does anyone else find that profound? God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden. They shared a close bond with their God. He was so personified, so present in their lives. However, once sin entered into Adam and Eve's life, it created a barrier between them and God. And it only seemed to worsen with time. Nowadays, God is basically a foreign idea to the majority of the modern world. Once, we walked with God, and now, we merely thirst.

Also discussed tonight was the idea that a lot of people are hesitant to search. Maybe they had a bad experience with Christians in the past, maybe something happened that placed bitterness and resentment in the heart towards God. Maybe they're just afraid to take that leap. I remember being like that. My mom had just died, and it seemed that everywhere I turned, someone was telling me to pray. I didn't understand how a God who loved me would kill off my mother, who was the only real thing holding her delicate family together. My entire world was crashing around me, and I felt completely isolated and alone. And it was all God's fault.

When I tell people my testimony, and how I got saved, I usually leave out the part about how I started that night feeling pretty cynical. It had been exactly one year since my mom had died, and in that time, I had created this intricate shell of anger and emptiness and shame. I remember spending nights cutting, because, although it never helped me forget, it stopped me from thinking clearly enough to be able sort through all my feelings. Because although I was angry and shameful and completely miserable, I felt safe that way. I had fallen into a rhythm, and anything else scared me.

The night I got saved was one of the scariest of my life. Not because I was alone, but because I wasn't. Because I was surrounded by people who cared about me. Because for the first time, I didn't feel completely empty. Because surrounded by people who loved me, and talking to God, I couldn't hide anymore. Hide the fact that I needed a change, needed to face myself and my fears, or I was going to disappear.

It was terrifying, and sometimes it still is. But I wouldn't trade anything in the world for this fear, because nothing was worse than that emptiness.

I don't expect many people to take my word for it, but it's all I really have.

I'm not a great philosopher, I haven't devoured millions of ancient texts.

But come on. let's look at this logically.

C.S Lewis once said "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well there is such a thing as food; a duckling wants to swim; well there is such a thing as water. If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Basically, If you can't seem to find anything to satisfy your deepest earthly desire, maybe it's not a earthly desire after all.

On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.

John 7:37

I heard the old man say we need the rain

2009-09-19T02:59:00.000-07:00

I'm having one of those moments where I really want to blog something profound, but can't think of anything.

The bookmark in my bible is still in Esther, from back in August. It's not that I haven't read my bible since then, I just haven't had the heart to move it.

At the last holiday camp I had a group of girls who were really interested in the bible.

It was really incredible, and so I asked them what types of bible stories they wanted to hear. With overwhelming vigor, they all agreed that they wanted to hear about WOMEN in the bible. The first woman who popped into my mind was Esther.

When I was growing up, my mom was in Eastern Star. (Relatively, I was in Job's Daughters[technically, I still am] and my dad was in Masons.)

Each of the star points (kind of like "characters") in E.S is represented by a different woman in the bible. There's Adah, Ruth, Martha, Electa and... Esther.

Esther always stood out in my mind. She was so gutsy! Even as a 9 year old, it astounded me how Esther stood up for her faith.

I mean, she had just become Queen, was living a life so dramatically different from the life she once lead, and she not only put her social standing on the line, but her very life. She knew it was nowhere near customary to approach the King, but she did it anyway.

Knowing that it was a HUGE risk to take a stand for her faith, she did it anyway.

I think Esther is pretty revolutionary. And I mean, even for our time.

Realistically, how many people will take a stand for their faith, knowing the consequence could be death?

I think it's safe to say Esther is pretty much one of my heroes.

I can't wait to meet her!

I didn't expect to go on a tangent like that.

GRACE!

Then Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor with you, O king, and if it pleases your majesty, grant me my life—this is my petition. And spare my people—this is my request. For I and my people have been sold for destruction and slaughter and annihilation.

Esther 7:3-4

I know it's not you my dear, it's the nothing that kills.

2009-09-15T02:53:00.000-07:00

I'm excited. I'm excited for what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I'm proud (I know, deadly sin) of the work I'll be doing for Jesus. I want to make Him proud of me. And yet, as excited as I am, as completely called as I feel, I just wish sometimes that my family... got me. I have all these passions and a heart that has been completely and utterly set ablaze, and I can't share that with them. I can talk until I'm blue in the face abut non-profit coffee shops and homeless people and Jesus, and they smile and nod and tell me that they are glad I'm happy. But I recognize the face. The slow nod, the head tilt, and the half smile. It's the same face they've been giving me for the past 5 years since my mom died.

And it's killing me, because as much as they say that they're happy for me or "we'll support you, if it's really what you think you want", all I see is the disappointment in their faces. The pity in their voice. Like they think I'm ruined.

And it's not God, that's not what they're afraid of. I come from a family of Catholics and Anglicans (clearly two SEPARATE families) and, to some degree, they get the God thing. But they understood so much more when I wanted to go to some high-scale University and get a journalism degree, or the years when I worked towards becoming a doctor. That's the world they understand.

The look on their face is one of complete disappointment. Not in me, I could handle that. But in themselves. They are disappointed in themselves for who I've become. Like they let me down. It's like they feel that if they'd been there more after she died, I'd be different now. I'd be a doctor, or a journalist. Not someone who enjoys hanging out with the impoverished. Someone with no real plan for her life.

I could handle it if I had simply disappointed them. I can deal with my own failures. But the idea that they think they failed me. It kills me more than I can bear. I wish they knew what a positive impact they had on my upbringing. I'm not broken, I'm not some lesser being. It's not their fault.

I'm trying to think of a way to end this with some sort of finality... but my mind is so blank.

You hit your head and then forgot your name

2009-09-14T16:15:00.000-07:00

Lately I feel like I'm standing still. I'm at that point in my life where I want to move, and live and do something notable. And I know that I've done a lot of great things for His kingdom, but sometimes a tiny bit of me wishes that was seen by everyone else, and I know their opinions don't matter... but I wish people could look at me and see success.

I am so excited to move in... 4 days. Wow. Four days. But I'm excited to do something new in my life... to get closer to moving forward.

My blog posting from exactly TWO years ago

2009-09-12T00:22:00.000-07:00

September 12, 2007
So I decided to blog, since I haven't done that in awhile.
I've wanted to, really.. I just haven't really gotten around to it... other things get in the way, and things take a back seat to whatever your top priority is.
But isn't that how it is with everything? With friends, school, family or God?
I can think of dozens of friends who put their friends on a back burner when they get into a new relationship... or ignore school because of parties and the popularity race. Then there's the kids who put everything before their family because they feel that they'll always be there. I'm not playing the guilt game here, I'm just as guilty of that as the next person; trust me, before my mom died, I would often blow her off because it was Veronica's birthday and EVERYONE was going to be there and if I didn't go the entire universe would IMPLODE on itself.
The only difference is, with my mom I kind of did that when she truly needed it. However, I know I have forgiveness and I know that my mom never held that against me, even if I do sometimes.
What about putting other things before God? Now I KNOW everyone I've ever met in my walk with God could be guilty of that... we're "only human" right? We seem to be satisfied with knowing that God will always be there for us. I mean, isn't that what we learned in Sunday School and every week at church? God will always forgive us and he will always be there for us if you just ask him. I know that it sounds like a loophole, "I can screw up as much as I want, I can do what I want, say what I want, live the way I desire, and he'll always be there for me... waiting." Now, that may be true... but the way I see it is, if you truly accept God as your Savior, if you truly love him and are grateful for everything he gives you... wouldn't you WANT to make him happy, make him proud of you, make him scream with joy
"Look! That's my Son, that's my daughter! Aren't they wonderful?"
Yeah, we may only be human... but I think maybe we should strive to be more.

1234 - California sounds nice, but California's a lie.

2009-09-07T00:37:00.000-07:00

Hey Mom,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I've always said that I write to you because sometimes it's easier than telling anyone else, since you can't respond, or judge me, and I can no longer break your heart like I used to.
So essentially, that just makes me a coward. But I guess you already knew that. I've always looked for the easy way out.
I don't even know why I'm so upset this time, and yet I can't stop the tears from flowing out of me. I feel like a monster. When I was little and I couldn't get to sleep, you'd take me in your lap and hold me there til I fell asleep. I miss that, Mom. Despite the fact that I'm far too old to need that anymore, I've been yearning for it so much more lately. I just want to curl up in your arms tonight and let the world melt away behind me. Now isn't that the sign of true cowardice? Hiding until it goes away. There's nothing I'd want less than to be 15 again, but I'd do it if it meant I could talk to you for just a little while. Tell you I was scared, or lonely, or angry. I just want you to tell me it's okay to feel this way sometimes. I just want someone to tell me it's okay to be who I am. That's a mom's job right? To tell me that she loves me no matter what?
The ugly truth is, I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need your validation. If you were alive now, I wouldn't want you to tell me it was okay, and that you love me no matter what. Unconditional love is amazing, but I'd want you to love me because you love to love me, not because you have to love me.
I want to be a person you'd want to get to know. And I don't think I'm that person for anyone. Dead or alive.

You've given me more than enough

2009-09-04T15:02:00.001-07:00

So, I've kind of been avoiding making an end-of-summer post. Mainly because my life has chnged pretty dramatically. It's bizarre to remember thinking during holiday camps "hmm, this summer is going by far too quickly, and nothing exceptional has happened", because, looking back, so much WAS happening. I was being molded in so many ways that at times I didn't really recognize myself. A lot happened this summer that forced me to rethink who I was, and I thank God for that, because I've been spending the last year or so feeling pretty identity-less.
So, now that 'm forcing myself to think about the entire summer, here's an overview of MY SUMMER
I'm gonna use bulletpoints and everything!

Staff Training
- Pretty much became BFF with Kaitlyn Cramb (we were roommates and both enjoyed going to bed an hour before curfew.)
- God taught me about hard love

VBS wk 1
- Serious VBS team bonding... what with staying in an abandoned church in the middle of nowhere with no plumbing and shoddy electrical.
- Actually spoke about God's desire for a relationship in front of a church full of strangers
- Was taught by a 5 year old all about what God plans for us.

VBS wk 2
- Reconnected with my love Jennifer Cross (VBS '08)
- Thanks to wise words from an 80 yr old woman, took a few more steps in forgiving my father.
- God taught me ALL about patience.

Holiday Camp 1
- Counseled alone for the first time
- Hurricane Gracie came to town (definitely a one-f-a-kind camper)
- Go taught me about all the miracles he can perform if we just have faith.
- First tears of the summer... oh boy
- Sunstroke

Holiday Camp 2
- Counseled alone for the second time?
- Saw the heart of a truly burdened child
- Second batch of tears of the summer
- Flu

Holiday camp 3
- OLDEST GIRLS
- Learned how fulfilling self-sacrificing love can be!
Cried for the 3rd time...?
- Flu x 2

Holiday Camp 4
- Counseled alone for the 3rd.. well, you get the picture
- Learned that counseling alone beside Chelle is a winning duo. We're pretty much unstoppable.

Moms and Tots
- Watched WAY too much LOTR... I blame Michael Touzeau.
- Learned how to be a child again
- Poured my heart out to Pearlanne... what a blessing!
- Fell in love with the lifeguards

VBS wk 3/4
- Rediscovered my servants heart
- Learned even more about patience
- Decided to move to Vernon?

That barely even skims the surface of everything I learned this summer... all the different ways I was changed. Some of it just cannot be put into words, and others, I don't think my words could do it justice.
It's not only the camps that affected me; there were weekends (most of which I spent seriously ill), earning about love, as my friends came to check on me, or just sit with me for hours. Watching LOTR for hours learning about community..
But as much as I'd love to move to Burnaby and be close to my family and friends, one of the biggest things I learned this summer is that I no longer want to be comfortable in my faith. Cushioned by friends and family... I know that community is important, but not so that I'm comfortable in my lukewarm christianity.
So I'm taking the leap. I know that amazing things are happening in Vernon, and God has made it very clear to me that I am to be a part of it. I may be scared senseless, and know exactly 4 people in the area.... but I have the Escamilla's to the north, and Catherine to the south... and one of the biggest things I learned this summer was that I have some incredible friends, and no matter how far away I am, I can depend on them. It's still scary, but I am confident that God's hand is upon me.

My mind is still far too scattered to reminisce, but that post shall show up in due time.

Chellebabe.

2009-09-01T00:29:00.001-07:00

"So today I was thinking about why Mols is my bestfriend. We fight alot and occasionally drive eachother crazy. But even during the worst fights when we didnt talk for months at a time I couldnt let go of our friendship completely. Today I realised why that is. No matter what, she just wants me to be happy. Nothing brings her more joy than when I'm happy or in a situation that will bring me epic amounts of joy. She'll support me through ridiculous crushes or schemes i concoct when my senses take leave/a very long holiday just in case it leads to something incredible for me. I once asked her why she jumps on every Michelle and (fill in the blank) bandwagon and she replied "I'm on the michelle bandwagon."
I've often said that I can't be bestfriends with girls, but Mols is a pretty amazing bestfriend."

-------------------------

Chellebabe, you're my star. Thank you for being you, and making me cry like a big baby. We may not know where our lives are headed, and we may be scared senseless, but it's such a blessing to know that I have the world's greatest best friend.

So when you say forever, can't you see - you've already captured me

2009-08-17T23:16:00.001-07:00

Today was the first day of Mom's and Tots camp. It was pretty slack, which is the norm. A lot of set up and then some sitting. It's a nice change of pace, and a great opportunity for me to get my health up a bit. So far, it's been really fun. I had a great time at moms and tots last year, but this year seems much cooler somehow. Maybe it's the lack of torrential downpour, (last years weather conditions were dreadful.) or the fact that I am comfortable with a lot more people now. I'm sharing a room with Amanda in the staff house (affectionately dubbed "Mandar Humblebee" by moi) which of course, is wonderful. I've like the opportunity to spend time with people I wouldn't normally get a chance to, like Jilly... whom I've missed terribly since she's been on Program Staff (Jilly = my vbs leader last year) and Mike Touz. He got pretty stoked when I told him about my plans to move to Burnaby and going to CHT and such. Apparently I have to leave Tuesdays on my schedule clear. Very suspicious.

Also, Pearlanne is here this week as a cabin mom, so I'm gonna have a chance to spend time with her. Camp just hasn't been quite the same without her!

Tonight on the phone, Caitlyn asked me what Jesus has been teaching me. The question scared me quite a bit. Despite the fact that I love being here and love spending time with the people around me, my heart feels so negative. So despite the fact that I talk to Jesus and read my bible everyday, I couldn't think of a single thing in my life that represented Him, everything just feels sour.

I suppose Jesus is teaching me about love. Not just for those who it is a joy to love, but those who I hate to love.

The Ocean

2009-08-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

Am I alone in this?
Never a night where I can sleep myself 'til day.
We must try to figure it out,
It won't be that easy.
We lost it somehow.

You come over unannounced.
Silence broken by your voice in the dark.
I need you here tonight,
Just like the ocean needs the waves.

Oh, the night becomes the space that's somewhere in between
What I feel and what I'm told.
Sitting on the shoreline trying to figure it out,
To find out the meaning
And reach it somehow.

Fall around me now,
Like stars that shine and brighten the way.
I need you here tonight,
Just like this night it needs the rain.

The season has changed.
The wind, it blows colder now.
The clouds are raised,
The rain it falls harder now, all around.

There's nothing wrong with living loud

2009-08-16T23:21:00.000-07:00

So I'm in a state of refection now. All 4 holiday camps are officially over.

I still have moms and tots and a week of VBS ahead of me, but the 4 major weeks are behind us all. It's crazy to think of everything that has happened in the past month. The hurdles that were overcome, and the ones that were not. The 600 kids that passed through this camp. All the lives that were impacted... positively, I pray.

The roughly 170 or so children who made commitments to Christ.

The tears, the sickness, the endless laughter and memories. The bumps, the bruises and the insane battlescars. This summer changed me far more than I would have ever anticipated. I praise God for sending me here again this year. For every single blessing he has placed in my life. I have never been more thankful than I am here at this moment, or have been in the past few weeks.

We talk about how camp changes lives. We tell the kids how God changed our lives and brought us here, brought THEM here... but I think sometimes we forget how God is STILL bringing us here not only to change THEIR lives, but so that they can change OURS.

Yesterday I spent some time looking over my 4 cabin photos, staring into the faces of 33 girls. 33 girls so unique and so perfect in God's eyes. I wrote the names of each girl on the back of the photos and placed them in my bible, as a reminder. A reminder of why I come back here each Summer, a reminder of exactly who the Lord wants us to be. And a reminder of who I am. So this next year, when I stray from the path, as I ultimately do, I can look into the eyes of those 33 girls and remember where exactly my identity lies.

Soundtrack To Our Summer

2009-08-16T23:20:00.001-07:00

Let's just say... I'm really excited for the next week.

Even in the breaking down, I can hear redemption calling

2009-08-06T23:40:00.000-07:00

Today was commitment day.... or, as Caitlyn Spence calls it "Crying Day".

We broke off into 3 groups during devotions, and I talked to my group of 5 about what it means to ask Jesus into your heart and I talked to them about the different ways he has moved in my life.

A lot of the girls had a lot of trouble understanding why God allows bad things to happen. Cassie and I stayed up talking to them tonight, trying to explain that he has no control over the bad things that happen, he can only combat them after the fact and try to turn them into blessings. I told them that although it sucked that my mom died, who knows where'd I'd be today if it hadn't happened? Chances are I would not be here with them. I also explained that God sent each of them to this camp for a reason and I thank God every day that they are here.

I am feeling sensationally blessed right now.

It is times like these when I feel I could move mountains.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my life. I pray that even through all the pain, your whisper reaches these girls' ears.

Joy of the Redeemed

2009-08-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

Feeling a little downhearted tonight.
Regardless, I know that my God is a powerful, all-sufficient savior, and I have nothing to fear.
Meditating on Isaiah 35

Joy of the Redeemed

The desert and the parched land will be glad;
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom.
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom;
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy.
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it,
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon;
they will see the glory of the LORD,
the splendor of our God.
Strengthen the feeble hands,
steady the knees that give way;

say to those with fearful hearts,
"Be strong, do not fear;
your God will come,
he will come with vengeance;
with divine retribution
he will come to save you."

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

Then will the lame leap like a deer,
and the mute tongue shout for joy.
Water will gush forth in the wilderness
and streams in the desert.

The burning sand will become a pool,
the thirsty ground bubbling springs.
In the haunts where jackals once lay,
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there;
it will be called the Way of Holiness.
The unclean will not journey on it;
it will be for those who walk in that Way;
wicked fools will not go about on it. [a]

No lion will be there,
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it;
they will not be found there.
But only the redeemed will walk there,

and the ransomed of the LORD will return.
They will enter Zion with singing;
everlasting joy will crown their heads.
Gladness and joy will overtake them,
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.

Glory be to God. For even in the darkness, Your light is a beacon of strength.

Sunrise/Sunset

2009-08-05T14:55:00.000-07:00

I really love my cabin this week. They're great girls, although misguided, and I love getting to know them more.

Sometimes they're a challenge, but they're also really sweet and I'm really excited about life.

I'm still really stressed out and worrying about a lot of aspects of my life, but I'm also really grateful for the incredible people God has blessed me with and this beautiful camp. As I sit here, I can look out across the entire field. There are kids swimming, Kylee and Shania are racing, Fir cabin is dancing, Birch is writing a skit. There are kids on the swings, boys playing tag, girls doing handstands.

I can't believe the summer season here ends in 2 and a half weeks. I may be staying for some Fall camps, but it's just not quite the same.

There's something magical about this place, there's no denying it.

At the end of each week, Touz gives the kids a speech that this camp is amazing, but its just a camp. That we're here for them and the magic comes from them and God. It's true. 9 months out of the year, this is just a place, but for 3 months in the Summer, it's this incredible oasis for kids and adults. It stands for so much; happiness, belonging, comfort, love. But it's so much a God thing. It's everything God stands for. Sunrise = love. God = LOVE.

I guess that's all for now. I'm just feeling so ridiculously thankful right now.

Praise the Lord!

Independent Woman

2009-08-03T23:05:00.000-07:00

So I have realized I rarely blog anymore... although, I am usually far too exhausted or lacking in an internet connection. However, despite my fatigue, I decided tonight was an excellent time. I'm counseling oldest girls this week. I've been petitioning for it for awhile, and I'm so thankful that Touz made it happen. This particular group of girls who were in my SECOND oldest cabin last year havw really been on my heart all year, and now I finally have the chance to influence their lives positively. I truly believe that the work we do in all these kids lives throughout the summer is vital, but the oldest kids are at such a crucial stage in their lives, and this is our last real chance with them. They're all really incredible girls this week, and it's been a great first day. We discussed how they're role models and how they don't need boys to be happy, and we just talked for an hour about how they were created in the image of God. That they are exactly who God dreamed them to be. We discussed society's definition of the "perfect" girl, and what THEY think the perfect girl should be. Not big breasted and super skinny without her own opinions, but an athletic, charismatic, intelligent, compassionate, independent, strong woman. It was really inspirational... I'm also really proud of the oldest boys this week as well... at the end of campfire, we get held back and Touz talks with the two eldest cabins for a bit, and they're really mature and impressive this week as well. HALLELUJAH! Now I must rest. End this perfect day as is.

Grace Through Faith

2009-07-29T11:52:00.000-07:00

So it is now my second full day with my current cabin of campers.

Last week was an experience. I had the chance to once again counsel Gracie, and it seems she gets worse every year. Punching other kids, screaming at us til she loses her voice, stealing an entire bowl of parmesan cheese and then proceeding to eat it with her face... and yet, she never failed to tell me she loved me. She has had a terrible life, and we’re told that the week she spends at camp is when she’s happiest all year. She may be a handful, but she was also always entertaining, and even though I was worn thin counseling her on my own, I never felt under-appreciated by her.
This week is an entirely different story.
A group of 10 year old girls who refuse to respect me, who are rude and arrogant, and never seem to get the idea of loving one another. And I know enough to know that it is most likely because that type of love has never been shown to them, but I’m finding it increasingly hard to show them Christ’s love when they are constantly disrespectful towards me, and definitely towards eachother.
Lord, give me strength, and the right words to say.
On an entirely positive note, devotions this week are incredible. Last week the girls just couldn’t sit through it, and were consistently misunderstanding the message Celeigha and I were trying to get across. Simply not the case this week.
They were asking questions, understanding the bible lessons, and even moreso, they were excited to learn more about God. The highlight so far was definitely when a little girl named Madison said to me, “but how do you know God is talking to you?” and when I explained that the little voice inside their head that tells then what to do or what may not be a great idea, it was recieved by a groupwide “OHHH!”. Or the girls getting REALLY excited about the idea of God watching over them, loving them, and knowing them before they were born. It made their night, and it DEWFINITELY made mine!
It’s time that those that make me cherish my job and thank God for placing this opportunity in my life... I just wish they weren’t so few and far between.
GRACE!
Molly

love.

2009-07-27T23:35:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what to do anymore.
I just wish I wasn’t alone in this.
I feel so isolated... I just wish there were someone I could talk to.
But I’m all alone.

Dear Lord

2009-07-17T00:30:00.001-07:00

I pray that my life may become what lips cannot say in a song of adoration.

1:27

2009-07-17T00:18:00.000-07:00

when will the weak shame the strong
and not collapse into our own arms
when will we raise our flags past half-mast
and not collapse into our own arms
but shame will keep us who we are

shame is the anchor tied around my ankle
shame keeps me low and close to the bottom
where I am the least
at the bottom

where pride has never been and never will
the swell of my chest
I stand on this
where pride has never been and never will
the swell of my chest
I call this brave
but how dare I call this love
and not bear my cross to the end

how can I call this love when all that i am
is because your love endures my back to it
your love endures my back to it
your love endures my back to it

My favourite words

2009-06-19T02:23:00.000-07:00

Words that I go out of my way to verbalize..

Ubiquitous
Stoic
Impenetrable
Capricious
Suppositious
Rapturous
Seraphic
Verbose
Loquacious

The Becoming

2009-06-19T02:07:00.000-07:00

"There's this person in my head.
She is brilliant, capable.
She's me, only so much better.
Today was a good day.
Maybe even a great day.
Even when it was hard.
I was the 'me' inside my head.
There was a moment when I thought, I can't do this.
I can't do this alone.
But I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it.
And I did, I blocked out the fear and I did it."

2009-06-19T01:56:00.000-07:00

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis

The Sun

2009-06-17T03:00:00.000-07:00

I'm a mess, I guess.
It's what I've asked for; it's what I've needed.
Well, you know me better than,
or at least you did then something happened.
But once again,
Well, something's happened.

The confidence you held in us is
The rope we almost hung ourselves with.
At times I wonder if we really took the steps
To break right through it.
I know that there were better days,
But to see the light and to feel the rays.
Life was always back and forth
And we were idling or making useless progress.

Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun.
Someday will come back to us,
If you're willing, let it go.
Why won't you just let this be your sun?
It seems like yesterday we had the world our way.
But some say we're headed for destruction.

I'll ask you "What in the world should we do?"
This light is green our break is through.
Are we not trying or we're trying too hard?
Well, you know I never want to miss,
I hold on tight and reminisce,
But it's bittersweet to me.
When time stands still as it's trapped inside
the letterbox you gave back to me,
But I'm the one who keeps on reading.

But I'm the one who wants to let it go.
I'm the first to speak.
You're the last to know.
Another scene that we're creating,
I need to know if we're still making useless progress.

Waiting for the rain to stop.
Destination: beautiful.
Seems that I'm still waiting for the sun.
Someday will come back to us,
If you're willing let it go.
Why won't you just let this be your sun?
It seems like yesterday we had the world our way.
But some say we're headed for destruction.

Anything

2009-06-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

Love, it's the wave I ride
That won't ever reach the shore.
Overwhelmed by the tide
but wanting nothing more..tonight
Than to take this time
and make it all mine
It's coming around again

Every now and again sometimes
I get lost on the wind of a dream
The air gets clean and the seas get wide
and I can do anything
The pain it won't even cross my mind
There's wonder in everything
The rope gets loose and the chains unbind
and I can do anything

Hope, it's the light that strikes
that burns inside of me
It's a blinding light but somehow I can see...again
When I've lost my way
It's becoming very clear
And it's coming around again

Every now and again sometimes
I get lost on the wind of a dream
The air gets clean and the seas get wide
and I can do anything
The pain it won't even cross my mind
There is wonder in everything
The ropes get loose and the chains unbind
and I can do anything

Somewhere between the darkness and the light
My spirit takes to flight
The colors fill the skies
And I'm free

It's coming around again

My Backyard

2009-06-06T22:24:00.000-07:00

So now I'm branded for taking the fall

2009-06-06T22:22:00.000-07:00

Painted skies; I've seen so many that cannot compare to your ocean eyes.

We write to patch things up; maybe not to agree but to proclaim love

2009-06-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

So, today because of interesting circumstances, I had to look back to a time a couple Summers ago. I made a pretty big mistake. Despite the fact that the past remains unchanged, and that I understand that it was 3 years ago and I was a very different person then, I am still sorry. I'll make no apologies for the person I was then; I was barely 17, dealing with a constantly vacant father, a recently dead grandmother, and a lot of other teenage dramatics. It wasn't a good Summer by anyone's account, but I'd still like to apologize to anyone I may have hurt. I was different then; different from who I am now, and who I was prior to that.
Like, I said, I don't regret who I was or the errors I made in judgment, but I do feel sorry for anyone I may have hurt.

I'm probably going to delete this entry in a few days, so enjoy it while you can.

What I am meditating on today

2009-05-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

So... we were created by God.
He made us to be like Him. There were angels with no bodies, and animals with no spirit, and then there's us. Humans with both. He created us and we were good. He loved us and he gave us freedom to choose whether to love him back or not.
Have you ever been in love? Have you ever loved someone and had them break your heart or asked someone to love you and they simply said no and walked away?
In Genesis it says, "And the LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart." God has a heart. Each day we break his heart. He loves us and every day we say no and walk away.
In the beginning of it all, we as humans chose disconnection. We chose disobedience to God, we believed the lie that a life without God would bring greater fulfillment.
God made the world out of chaos, he pulled all the fragmented bits together and made our world; trees, rocks, animals, humans... and we had that connection, that oneness with God. We were once connected to God, but now we spend time trying to fuse back what is severed... we search for ways to find that oneness again... A good example is of music... if you go to a concert, and everyone is singing and waving their arms to the same rhythm, you feel it... or if you make a connection with another person who is unlike you in every other way except the fact that they are human, you feel it.
Because we were all created in God's image, but over time we've separated because of all our differences. Black, white. Rich, poor. Jew, Gentile. So now we START OUT different, and are working towards being blind to the differences again... just like we started. We're fixing what we broke. We are learning to love the way God intended. We are trying to create a world less chaotic.

Sex God

2009-05-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

So, there's a certain book that I've been wanting to read for awhile. I think Rob Bell has a really engaging way of speaking, and it really comes out in his writing. So today I went out and purchase "Sex God". It basically just pinpoints all the ways sexuality and spirituality are connected. At one point in the book, Rob Bell is talking about Jacob. How he pretended to be his brother, Esau, in order to get his inheritance. How he then had to flee for his life before Esau killed him. When Jacob reaches a "certain location", as the Bible says, God speaks to him. Back then, everyone believed that God only spoke in temples or other holy places... not in "certain locations".. God will speak to you anywhere, anytime. Jacob places a stone altar there, to commemorate that connection he first made with God.

"Imagine you're one of Jacob's kids; you have just arrived in this new land, and there's a stone pillar there that your dad can't stop talking about. He's telling anyone who will listen this story about something that happened to him years ago, and he's stacking rocks on top of rocks.
What if you asked, "Dad, what's the big deal? They're just rocks"
I imagine Jacob would respond, "Yes, you're right. They're rocks. But they're more than rocks. You have to understand. I was on the run and thought my brother was going to kill me. My life was over. And God saved me. And God brought me to a new home. And I had food to eat and a place to sleep and eventually God gave me a family. These aren't just rocks. They are a symbol of life for me. God came through for me."

I've never been sure how to explain my devotion to God to the people in my life that simple do not understand, until I read that section of the book. And after sharing that sentiment, through the supposed eyes of Jacob, I don't feel like any words are necessary.
It goes on..

"We do this all the time. If I were to go through your garage or storage shelves or sock drawer. I guarantee we would find the strangest thing. I have a trophy from when I was fourteen. The little man fell of some time in the 90's, the lettering that says what it was for has faded, and the years have revealed that, shockingly, that isn't real marble.

But I've kept it.
I haven't thrown it away because it's more than a trophy to me. That trophy is the first I actually won something on my own. It represents a certain period of my life and the struggles of being fourteen and finding my identity and wondering if I'd ever be good at something.
It's a trophy, but it's more than a trophy.
Jewelry, pictures, sculptures made by children, antiques that have been in the family for years, art projects, souvenirs, velvet paintings - we hold on to them because they point beyond themselves. If we were to ask you about a certain picture and why you have it displayed in such a prominent place in your home, or why you carry it around in your pocket or wallet everywhere you go, you'd probably respond by talking about the people in the picture, where it was taken, when it was taken. But that would only be the start. Those relationships and that places and that time represent something more. Something much bigger. If we kept exploring, you'd probably end up using words like trust and love and belonging and commitment and celebration.
So it's a picture, but it's more than a picture.
The physical thing - this picture, trophy, artifact, gift - is actually about that relationship, that truth, that reality, that moment in time.
This is actually about that.

Whether it's what we do with our energies

or how we feel about our bodies

or wanting to have the control in relationships

or trying to recover from heartbreak

or dealing with ferocious appetites

or the difficulty of communicating clearly with those we love

or longing for something or someone better,

much of life is someway connected with sexuality.

And when we begin to sort through all the issues surrounding our sexuality, we quickly end up in the spiritual.

because this

is always about that.

...

Something deeper. Something behind it all. You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God.

Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where one is, you will always find the other. This is a book about how sexuality is the "this" and spirituality is the "that". To make sense of the one, we have to explore the other.

And that; is what this book is about. "

Like how Jacob somehow led to sex.
Weird.
This and that.
Oy vay.

You Could Be Happy

2009-05-17T00:06:00.001-07:00

You could be happy and I won't know

But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said

Are played in loops until it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were

But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure

I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you

And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to

Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you

Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

I adore Christopher Michael Bridge

2009-05-16T23:52:00.000-07:00

Quote: "I’ve been frustrated the past while.

I believe it started when I got back from the therapist. I don’t think she helped. Actually, I felt more patronized and aggravated then before.

She speaks of being content with the person you are in the now. I speak of enjoying the now, and working towards the future. She becomes frustrated, because working towards a personality-driven goal instigates pursuit of the ideal self. I don’t see the harm in liking the person you are, but holding the idealized self as a goal you never intend to reach.

If I could be my idealized self, I would be able to shoot laser beams from my palms and become the hero of humanity, and probably not waste my time in a therapist's office."

Chris, have I ever told you you are incredible?

Cavoli Riscaldati

2009-05-15T13:45:00.000-07:00

So, recently, a friend extremely dear to my heart and I were talking on the phone, and got onto the topic of re-cooked cabbage.

You see, the term "cavoli riscaldati", is used by Italians to describe reviving old relationships.
They believe the concept is similar to reheated cabbage because the result of such a culinary effort is usually unworkable, messy and distasteful. In short, they're saying that nothing is ever the same the second time around. It's hard to start something up once it has ended.
This is usually referring to old flames, but I believe it applies to all relationships. When someone has been hurt, or something has occured to damage the bond you once shared, it is near impossible to salvage the leftover bits.
Well, I can't really help but see a whole lot of re-cooked cabbage in my life right about now.

The Covenant

2009-05-15T02:32:00.000-07:00

In Your gospels You speak of hope
Of surrender and supplication.
But my only sacrifice as of late
is of Your sustenance, that I dismiss as fate.
My soul deflates and my heart it waits
For a sign, for your subtle whisper
To sooth my sorrowed soul with it's sweet song.
For your able hands to lift me high above the ruins
of my shattered, scrambled self
Open my eyes, My sufficient, reverent Savior.
I'm straining my ears, holding back tears
listening for that calm, tranquil voice, giving me the choice
To start fighting, or resume falling
Into the darkness and out of Your arms.
In Your gospels You speak of hope.

Mahala Sarah Woodford

Blues for sister someone

2009-05-14T02:34:00.000-07:00

"The key to being successful is what we give up. Sleep, friends, a normal life. We sacrifice it all for one amazing moment. There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile.

Then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice.

And then there are the sacrifices that you cant even figure out why you're making.
A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it.

What he meant, is nothing comes without a price.

So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose.

Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right,

and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building.

Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming,

when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss.

When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around,

that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

We are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise

2009-05-08T17:07:00.000-07:00

I love this city.
I know that 6 months ago, amidst the clouds and snow and emptiness, I hated this city.
Every few months I hate this city.
But in the sunshine, listening to birds and watching little ladies walk their dogs, or driving out to the really sketchy part of town where you can put your car in neutral and the magnetic force can pull your car up a hill... or going out for Vietmanese food with Nik, and accidentally causing a few cans of fancy scottish "irn bru" to explode everywhere.
I love going to the lagoon at 3am with my friends (and being chased by cougars) and having dinner at Mrs Ritchies with my daddy.
But for some reason I'm moving to a province where I don't know anyone. A cold, snowy province with no lagoon, or freaky magnetic military base, and no Pho A Dong's... (home of the most delicious spring rolls EVER).
I'm just going to be alone again.

How can I catch up when I don't want to?

2009-05-06T13:08:00.000-07:00

Last night, every single verse I turned to in my bible was about hope.

Drew a line into the sand, jumped across and held your hand

2009-05-01T17:18:00.000-07:00

I am really excited about the future. Like, really really.
I know that I've mentioned this before, but I'm not sure if I've REALLY mentioned how much the future excites me. I have never felt this way before. The future has always been the enemy. This dark cloaked thing that loomed ahead of me. I am so excited about this new, fresh canvas spread out before me... everything seems to limitless. I am so excited to spend my life singing and dancing and speak for the Lord. What a blessing it is!
It's scary, infinitely so; a new place with new people, none of which I actually know.... but I cannot WAIT. I mean, how lucky am I? To spend a summer with people whom I love, kids I adore beyong belief, telling them that Jesus lived, died, and CAME BACK for US. To move across the country and continue doing it. What a blessing! Praise Jesus.

Swallowed in the Sea

2009-04-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong

You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to sea

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

What good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

The Rescues

2009-04-24T05:02:00.000-07:00

My empty room
Crowded too soon
I look for the fire escape.
I picture myself
Running like hell
Making my getaway.
The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it
I'm running out of air
Break me out tonight.

I wanna see the sun rising

Anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be

The only chance we get
We gotta take it
If we don't do it now we'll never make it
Lose this crowd
And break me out.
Whisper of our feet
Sneak down the street
Some kind of secret race.
They'll carry on
Won't notice we're gone
So easily replaced.
Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here
Come with me
Oh, this could be
The only chance we get
We gotta take it
If we don't do it now we'll never make it.
Lose this crowd
Break me out.
The walls are caving in with no warning
This ship is sinking, I gotta swim for it.
I got a feeling we're better off anyway
I don't care what they say.

But that September sky, how it whispered "I love you".

2009-04-22T13:21:00.001-07:00

So I was reading my dear friend Caitlyn Spence's blog, because hers is a perspective I cherish above most others (save Jesus and Reba - from my corps, not McEntire).
A few posts, she referred back to a posting from that week a few years ago.
I think that sounds like fun... or, again, a good source of perspective.

monday, april 21, 2008

Boys (le gasp!)

Definitely the theme of the week, or month, or eternity.
Well, I'm definitely taking a break. Like, a complete stall on anything slightly boy-shaped. I was never the one aching for a relationship, for validation in the form of hugs and kisses. It's just not my style. And I've always said that you shouldn't be in a relationship until you're comfortable being alone. When you're feeling like only part of a person, it's usually pretty ridiculous to try and fill that emptiness with another person. So I'm learning to be comfortable alone again, like I used to be, one upon a... 3 months ago. And then if someone incredible comes along, great. And if not, I know that will be okay, too.

Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
but the next time a guy comes around, i want a normal crush, one that leaves me all giggly and feeling good, not rotten and depressed
Chelle says:
haha i don't ever have one without the other
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
i think as we get older, unless the crushes turn into, i dont know, boyfriends, or mutual feelings, it always just feels rotten
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
cause we get older and it becomes more serious
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
it isnt a meaningless crush anymore
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
everything has meaning
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
...i want to be 12 again
Evangeline says:
Aww, me too. Actually, I want to be 8
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
8 was a bad year for me

sunday, april 22, 2007

So I realized today that I haven't actually posted anything of substance here lately.
Maybe there was just too much to say that I couldn't voice properly.
My like has been going along so well.
That's probably a major lie. My family is a mess. My dad is depressed and there's nothing
I can do. My Opa is being put in a retirement home soon. My dad is having "job issues" and
that's affecting our "financial issues". Now I've never really been a stickler for financial security, but there are some things I just require. Like a phone, my internet connection, a house.
I'm scared. So scared.
I don't know what to do.
I want to get a job, but I'm too busy with jobies until June.
I have all the stupid grad stress of prom and grad fees and PASSING classes and I'm so freaking worried that my little perfect life is going to shatter. Again.
Back when my mom died, I had a stellar life going. Amazing friends, grades, life.
After spending months trying to hide my moms illness, I guess it was a pretty big deal when she up and died. My friends had no idea she was even very sick. They weren't sure how to deal with me, and I wasn't sure what to do either. I went on faking it. I kept everything peachy, but it wasn't. Goodbye friends,goodbye grades,goodbye perfect life.
I'm a completely different person now. My life is amazing, but in a new way.
I'm a much stronger person now, and a lot more levelheaded... but I cant help but worry at the end of all this I'll be right back where I started; Not knowing who I am or where I'm going and feeling completely alone.
I know my friends care about me and I should be telling them what's going on... but I don't want to seem dramatic. Just like in grade 9... I don't want to be brushed off.
All I can see in the future is turmoil, and I just want to hold onto this perfect life forever.

(In reference to 2007)

I can't believe how much has changed since then. I feel like such a dramatically different person, and I thank God each day for that. I am so excited for the future, and I am blessed that God has taken the fear from my heart, and made me ready to leap forward into the unknown.
I am so thankful for each and every opportunity, and can't wait to get my life started.

....and as for the post from one year ago... not much has changed. Michelle and I pretty much have that chat every night at Pipers.

Waiting, nothing but our beating hearts, going far.

2009-04-22T13:03:00.000-07:00

I really miss you.
Really very truly miss you.
You're so many things, so many people... a feeling, a thought, a moment suspended in time.
You're my best from from grade 9, you're my delicate flower of a mother.
You're the boy who first stole my heart, and made me believe in true love.
You're the girl I spent hours talking to about everything and nothing (and sometimes still do).
You're the smell of Spring, the glowing Summer sun and the first leaves of Autumn.

You're rodeos and days at the lake, you're bike rides and carnival food.
You're everything that has ever made my head soar or my heart burst.
And I miss you.

Today has been okay

2009-04-16T15:35:00.000-07:00

Friends tell me it's spring
My window show the same
Without you here the seasons pass me by
I know you were not new
That loved like me and you
All the same I miss you
Today has been okay

Wind has burned your skin
The lovely air so thin
The salty water's underneath your feet
No one's gone in vain
Here is where you'll stay
'Cause life has been insane but
Today has been okay

Pony

2009-04-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

You hold your head up to the sky
You say "What kind of blue are you, are you?"
Then you ride a pony round and round
It's digging a hole right through, right through

You stumble down a yellow brick road
Spinning you shoes in the air, the air
Then you hold your breath and count to nine
Hoping that soon somebody will find you, find you

Go on, go on, go on
The stars are watching
Just say, just say, just say
What you're feeling
You know, you know, you know
You gotta take it back and do it your way

You're fifteen miles over the speed
You're going fast as you can
Off to your day dream
On your mark, get set, hurry away
Have a serious talk with your champagne

Go on, go on, go on
The stars are watching
Just say, just say, just say
What you're feeling
You know, you know, you know
You gotta take it back and do it your way
It's okay
La da da
Da da da
Da da da
[X2]

It's time for you to prove
Within your ruby shoes
You deserve a smile when no regret
I look at you
Kickin' off your shoes
Dancin' for the world to see
You got the power to believe
And open up and sing
And go and be free and fly away

Go on, go on, go on
The stars are watching
Just say, just say, just say
What you're feeling
You know, you know, you know
You gotta take it back and do it your way

It's okay

Tyler makes another "witty" Oompa Loompa joke

2009-04-10T02:26:00.000-07:00

Tyler

easters coming up so I will understand if youre not at church tomorrow, the chocolate factory must be insane right now

work,work,work

2:21amMolly

haha

d-bag

2:21amTyler

lol

2:21amMolly

but I actually wont be there tomorrow... its heartbreaking, really

2:22amTyler

I understand

2:22amMolly

haha

2:22amTyler

just remember this

2:22amMolly

why am I friends with you again?

2:22amTyler

I have no clue

but I really should sleep now

2:23amMolly

what am I remembering?

2:23amTyler

oh right

2:23amMolly

hahaha

2:24amTyler

you will be making thousands of children happy due to your hard work aiding the easter bunny at his job as well

so dont feel so bad about not going to church

2:24amMolly

you're a bad person

haha

2:24amTyler

no way

2:24amMolly

i love you, though

and one day maybe I'll remember why

2:25amTyler

lol

Wise Words

2009-04-09T01:54:00.000-07:00

"The problem with a living sacrifice, is that it always tries to crawl off the altar."

Simply Nothing

2009-04-05T03:23:00.000-07:00

So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You're watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound

What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love

So hard to fathom, the feelings inside
As You're watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love

I must

Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love

Freedom

2009-04-03T19:47:00.000-07:00

I feel like the weight of the world is all crashing down on me
And somehow I just don’t believe this is how it is supposed to be
And all this expectation on the way I’m suppose to live
Becomes my minds distraction with nothing left to give

You said Your burden is light and Your load is no more
You said Your ways are right and in You I would soar

I want to be free - free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love and free to be me

I feel like my heart is being beat down into the ground
In you I’m longing for some peace to be found
I know the heaviness that’s making me cold
Is stealing my youthful soul and making me old

You said Your burden is light and Your load is no more
You said Your ways are right and in You I would soar

I want to be free - free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love and free
Oh, free to be me

I'm just not there; Life's just not fair

2009-03-30T23:15:00.000-07:00

Seems like street lights

Glowing
Happen to be just like

Moments passing

In front of me

So I hopped in

The cab and
I paid my fares
See, I know my destination
But I'm just not there

Blasts from the past?

2009-03-29T17:39:00.000-07:00

20th July, 2006. 1:40 pm.

I don't know what to do about my dad today.
I talked to Shawn about it.
That's why I have God, he told me.. he's the father that never messes up.

I was talking to my brother last night, and I buest into tears.
I told him everything.
About how I hated him for leaving, for never staying in touch with me.. for leaving me when I didn't have anyone.
He told me our family is there for me... but he doesn't see how they've changed.
How Oma looks at me differently now...
Mom died, and then he left.
It's like when she died, so did he.
I lost both of them.
Dad and I, we're not a family.
I just want a real family.
I don't want his broken promises or his lies.. I want security.

I hate him.
I hate them both.
I hate everyone for doing this to me.
Although, after seeing my friend's families, I feel kind of lucky, that for the first 15 years of my life, I had a great mom.
The kind who would make you hot chocolate when you got home from school in winter,
or help you with your spelling words.
The kind that cut the crust off your sandwiches and baked.
The kind that kissed you goodnight every night.
I miss the christmas' as a family
or the summers at the lake.
I miss the type of mom that when you had strep throat and couldn't go trick or treating, bought a huge thing of candy, made you dress up, and go door to door in your house and get candy.
It was corny, but the best Halloween ever.
And then less then two months later she was dead.
The type of mom that when asked if she was afraid to die, sid that she had faith that God would take her up to Heaven.
She'd lost everything, but she still had her faith.
Why would she be the one to die, in a world of horrible people?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2nd August, 2006. 3:41 am.

Happy Birthday Dad, Wherever you are.

4th August, 2006. 4:33 pm.

I waited for you last night.
I waited 6 hours.
I wasn't surprised you didn't come home, but I cried for an hour anyway.
I waited. I had a present for you.
I've been saving up for it... money doesn't exactly exist in this house.
No one can tell me that "he's trying his best" or "just have faith in him" EVER again.
I only have faith in my God.
Everyone leaves.
I can trust myself.. I can take CARE of myself.
I've had that strength forever.
Maybe it was from everyone saying "oh Molly, you're so strong"
I thought, better not disappoint them.
I waited, and prayed that he'd be there in the morning.
It's just like when I was little, and my parents wouldn't be home EXACTLY when they said they would be. I'd complain to my brother but he'd just tell me to goto bed and they'd be there in the morning.
And they always would be.
We have to move tomorrow, nothing is packed, we have nowhere to live.
We're being kicked out and he doesn't even come home.
He thinks that if he can hide away that life will just disappear, his problems will just disappear. I'll disappear.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I should.
I'm tired of the landlords screaming at ME everyday.
The sick thing is, I miss him.
I just want him to come home so I can cry to him and he can comfort me into false sense of security. Then he'll leave again, as fast as he returned.
But that's better than this.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of what is going to happen tomorrow.
I'm homeless and parentless.
And I'm so scared.

I love looking backwards at who I was compared to who I am now.
To see the little miracles that have taken place in my life.
Hallelujah!

In The Midnight Hour

2009-03-26T14:50:00.000-07:00

When you're little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed.

When you get older, the monsters, are different... self doubt, loneliness, regret... and though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark.

Sleep. It's the easiest thing to do. You just... close your eyes. But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp.

We want it, but, we don't know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help,

night time is not so scary, because we realize, we are not all alone in the dark.

2 am

2009-03-25T05:19:00.000-07:00

Snow falls on the city
white on white
It's the color of hope
on an unforgiving night
you kissed me into ruins
sin on sin
now i've gotta love your love letters
written on my skin

someone's scratching music through the walls
sirens weaving through the streets
I must have missed your call
gathering up these nights
black on black
I know your voice like it's my own
and it makes my heart go slack

I can't tell the stars from the downtown lights
If I said I was truly over you
my heart would say amen
but I'd give in to the cold caress of 2 am.
If I admit I can't get used to this
will my heart break again?
as I fall into the waiting arms of 2 am.

Great Expectations

2009-03-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

No one believes their life will turn out just kind of okay, we all think we're going to be great; we are filled with expectation. Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, the difference we will make. Great Expectations of who we will be, where we will go; and then, we get there.
We all think we're going to be great. And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes, our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations because the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still. The expected's just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives

Staring at the Sun

2009-03-25T04:57:00.000-07:00

Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in it's field of vision. There's a part of the world we are literally blind to. The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be ignored. Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny. When it comes to our blind spots, maybe our brains aren't compensating. Maybe they're protecting us.

Jonathan "Pugsley" Close

2009-03-24T03:43:00.000-07:00

So this weekend was pretty much terrible. It's taken me until now to actually write about it.
Writing about it makes it real.. makes it less of a dream.
If everyone is okay with it, I'm going to write this entry TO Jonathan... Because I find it easier than talking about someone... and because, well, I wish I could talk to him right now.
I'm normally pretty good with the coping, with the adapting to trauma. Taking grief in stride.
Which, if you think about it, is pretty sick. It's just the way I'd become, I suppose. I liked to think that, eventually, I'd grow out of it. Be able to mourn again. To cry for loved ones lost.
Well, I think I have. Seeing everyone this weekend changed everything. When I heard you were gone, suffice it to say, I was shocked. I didn't know what to feel, or how. It was like I didn't have those emotional pain sensors in me anymore. After awhile, I cried, but only because I felt like it was the appropriate thing to do. You were my best friend for the first seven years of my life. We did everything together, you were my constant, the one person I could depend on. Our relationship was never complex, we never hurt oneanother. When we spoke, it was easy, we laughed and we poked fun at eachother. And your parents, oh, they loved you so much... you are still their entire world. Seeing them this weekend was my breaking point. I grew up with your mom being like a parent to me. She yelled at me just like any other mom, and I think she even sent me to my room sometimes. Or everytime I entered a room, hearing your dad sing "Well, Golly Molly" (I always hated that). I grew up assuming your family WAS my family. I didn't know anything else. Seeing them fall apart was the hardest thing I think I've ever witnessed.
Having your mom collapse in my arms, hearing your dad say he was worried about her having a bath with supervision, it was like everything I knew, everything I had ever depended on, was gone in a flash. Sitting with your mom, while she sat flipping through photo albums of you, refusing to eat or tear her eyes away from your things for even a moment. The whole day is a blur of tears and prayers and having your mom whispering again and again that you were "such a good boy... never said a bad thing about anyone... always smiling".
And I met your daughter; she is so beautiful. She has your eyes. I heard from everyone that she was your entire world, that you loved her so much. That you practiced carrying the babyseat before she was even born... and it sounds just like you. She has your eyes.
It was so bizarre, being home again. I think I will always think of that town as home. Those people will always be my family. Your parents, and your brothers, Lois and John. No matter what I do in life, or where I go, I can still return and know without a doubt that there are people there who have my back no matter what, because they have since I could barely walk. It's one thing to be raised by a great family. But you and I, we were raised by an entire town. And loved. You were loved by that entire town, and even now, they are your biggest fans.
The last thing I said to your mom, was the thing I remember her always saying to me... "You're the daughter I never had, Molly" ... I told her to be strong, because she was the only mom I had left. She hugged me tighter than I have ever been hugged and whispered, "thank you"... and I had hope.
You were the ultimate example of "glass half full" kind of person.
I have faith, too, that everything will be alright.

2009-03-20T20:15:00.000-07:00

So today something really cool happened.
I was at work just doing my thing, when someone from my old highschool in Qualicum walked in.
Now, I recognized him right away, but I wasn't sure if he knew me.
We chatted for a bit, the way I normally do with strangers, when he looked at me and said "Molly... right? You went to school with me way back".
Now, not only did I remember this kid as one of those boys who got up to "no good" with the majority of my female friends, and would rather get stoned than ever go to class, I also remembered him as someone else. In grade nine, he broke his leg and shared a hospital room with my dying mother.
I mentioned this to him (I left out the part about her no longer being with us) and suffice it to say he thought it was a fairly odd thing for me to recall. He then proceeded to hold up a giant bible he had been carrying and told me that he was on his way to church. We spent a few more minutes talking about my impending trip to Winnipeg/Training College, and he gave me his card.
(He's some big Christian musician now.)
I just thought I'd document this story, because I love when I see such shining examples of Jesus giving true hope to those who lack.

We've been called up to bat... you in?

2009-03-19T00:34:00.000-07:00

Oh, the beauty of fairytales. Underdogs win. Frogs become princes.
In the Gospels of Grace, we catch a glimpse of our dreams of glory.

We see that fairy tales can come true. Jesus, this historical world-shaker,

claimed to espouse as his mission the realeasing of the imprisoned and the loving of the unloved.

He walked into the playground of the ancient eastern world and chose players for His team.

His choices shocked those chosen, and baffled those observing in the stands

of tradition and political correctness.
The gospel teaches, in a sense, that He has drafted each of us.

Though we stand back, awkward and amazed, He hands us the bat.

Though we're frogs, He kisses us. Though we're ugly stepchildren,

He makes the slipper somehow fit.
He came, and comes, to give life to the lifeless.
(Chris Maxwell, Beggars Can Be Chosen)

go mbeannaí Dia thú! (God bless you)

2009-03-17T05:24:00.000-07:00

Happy St.Patty's day, my loves!
And Happy Anniversary to my Momma and Dad
I pray for strength for my father on this day...
And, because I am a ridiculously proud Irish girl...

What It Means To Be Irish
1) You will never play professional basketball.
2) You swear very well.
3) At least one of your cousins is a fireman, cop, bar owner, funeral home owner or holds political office. And you have at least one aunt who is a nun, or uncle who's a priest.
4) You think you sing very well.
5) You have no idea how to make a long story short!
6) There isn't a big difference between you losing your temper or killing someone...
7) Much of your childhood meals were boiled. Instant potatoes were a mortal sin!
8) You have never hit your head on a ceiling..
9) You spent a good portion of your childhood kneeling in prayer (Catholic guilt forever!).
10) You're strangely poetic after a few beers.
11) You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
12) You will be punched for no good reason...a lot.
13) Some punches directed at you are from legacies of past generations.
14) Many of your sisters and/or cousins are named Mary, Catherine or Eileen and there is at least one member of your family with the full name of Mary Catherine Eileen.
15) Someone in your family is very generous. It is more than likely you.
16) You may not know the words, but that doesn't stop you from singing.
17) You can't wait for the other guy to stop talking before you start talking.
18) You're not nearly as funny as you think you are but what you lack in talent, you make up for in frequency.
19) There wasn't a huge difference between your last Wake and our last keg party.
20) You are, or know someone, named Murph.
21) If you don't know Murph then you know Mac. If you don't know Murph or Mac then you know Sully. Then you probably know Sully MacMurphy.
22) You are genetically incapable of keeping a secret.
23) You have Irish Alzheimer's... You forget everything but the grudges!
24) 'Irish Stew' is a euphemism for 'boiled leftovers.'
26) Your skin's ability to tan.... Not so much.
27) At this very moment, you have at least two relatives who are not speaking to each other (not fighting, mind you, just not speaking to each other).
28) Childhood remedies for the common cold often included whiskey.
29) There's no leaving a family party without saying goodbye for at least 45 minutes.
30) You met your husband/wife/significant other/accountant/lawyer/landscaper/etc. In a bar.
31) Recognition of one's own limitations is the highest form of intellect!

Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig!
(St Patrick's Day Blessings)

I am dedicated to one day being completely fluent in Gaelic

No worries, today I'm going to...

2009-03-17T05:10:00.000-07:00

Wait Wait Wait Wait a minute
Hold up
STOP
...The press

I woke up today without that 5 million pound boulder of stress on my chest and now I feel blessed and can rest.

Oh! to rest these weary extremities that have been inflicted with infirmities unseen or experienced by them before

So tell me, what does the future have in store?

I don't know

I'm just going to let today be today, I'm going to wake up this morning with a smile on my face, look in the mirror brush my teeth and not wrack my brain wondering weather shes going to call me or not because when a girl says "lets just be friends," what she really means is "I'm never going to talk to you again."

Accept it
Move on
I just did

And after that I'm going to put on my play clothes, go in the front yard and climb that pecan tree like I did last week, but this time I'm not going to get halfway up it and start debating weather morality is...

A social adaptation
A product of Evolution
Or put there, by God

I'm just going to climb the thing and have fun like I did when I was a kid

And after that I'm going to go to vertebrate zoology class and listen to my boring lifeless instructer talk about how there are 50 different species of minnow in Arkansas alone.

But I'll smile
Nod
SHOW INTEREST
Act interested

(because that really is interesting if you think about it. Think about it)

And then after that I'll go home and have lunch. The same ol' boring lunch again! Two more fricken' frozen monterey jack bean and cheese burritos with a glass of distilled water and an Orange. But I'll give thanks that I do have food to eat because so many peple don't

And after that Ill go to work and paint But I'm not going to paint that boring eggshell white on that old ladys wall like she requested...no, I'm not going to do it. I'm going to pretend I'm a juvenile Leonardo Da Vinci and paint a stick figure masterpiece of a young couple frolicking in a field of flowerswith little butterflies and gophers popping up here and there. (I'm sure the old lady will appreciate it later in life)

And after that, I'm going to have dinner with my Paw Paw and when he cries to me about how his arthritis is bad his own daughter rejects him he's sad, I'll put my arm around himand listen watch his old weary eyes glisten as he experiences my love for him.

And after that I'll go home, sit on the floor and start singing songs to the one that gave me this joy that I'm feeling, but it's more then just some fleeting feeling, it's eternal truth in which I am reeling.

And then at night I lay my head to rest without the slightest bit of fright or fret knowing I made the day the best I could

And that God truly is good

Let me be a lighthouse

2009-03-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

Let me be a lighthouse, shining on the sea
So you can see me showing you where to be
And row, row, row your boat to shore
And let, let, let my heart adore
you as never before
The birds that sing are the only company I keep
And the sun, as it shines, reminding me of times spent with you
When we had nothing to do
But take walks in parks, and kiss each other
And watch the sparks
And drive down country roads
And sing songs that we both know
We called them lazy days
And we found so many ways to simply enjoy one another
Can we now return to those times?
There is your hand, now here take mine
And look into my eyes, and I'll look into yours
And you tell me stories, and I'll tell you stories,
Of things that have happened in each other's absence
And we'll let our light shine across the sea
Showing others of the love now complete
And we'll make a vow, the opposite of treason
And we'll thank God for giving us another reason
to thank him for the gifts that he gives, like
You to me, and me to you
And us to the world,
And the world to us.

Bradley Hathaway

Awaken me from my sleep, and open up my weary eyes... Move me from my complacency, and bring my soul back to life

2009-03-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

Tonight was such an incredible night... so I have decided to blog about it.
There was nothing special about it, really. The youth group girls had a fundraiser at Steve Marshall for Ladies Night, and we made so much money to send kids to camp from donations. It was SUCH a blessing. Shawn told us that it's a new record for money earned. Hallelujah!
After that was over, we met up with some of the guys and went out for a late meal at BP; again, nothing special. Afterwards, Chelle, Mike and I went and walked on the beach for awhile (and Mike almost DIED climbing up to the top of a 17 ft totem pole). We made a last minute decision to take a 2am trip to Parksville, but after stopping at my house for warm clothes, we lost momentum and ending up just hanging out with Shelly til 4:30 or so. Again, none of this was special or anything, but it was amazing. The night was so full of good, meaningful talks, and even more ridiculous ones. On the beach, we started discussing how we used to spend so much time there praying and just reveling in God's goodness. It's heartbreaking how much everything has changed, but I feel like talking about it has opened so many doors to us that we've been keeping closed for the past year or so. I loved having the chance to spend considerable time talking to Mike. He's such an incredible guy and I have so much respect for him.
Afterward, Shelly and I had some great roommate one-on-one time, and it was such a huge blessing.
I feel so full and sensationally blessed right now.
I just wanted to share that.
Goodnight! (er... morning)

Take My Hand

2009-03-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

Take my hand to the promise land
And on You I want to stand
'Cause I cannot do it all on my own
You're what I need and I need to be
Right by Your side 'cause I cannot hide
Lord, I know that I need You
Without You I'm so alone
I am weak but You are strong
You pick me up when I'm falling down
And I am crying
Out to You inside of my heart
I need You, Lord, oh so, for the part
I want You to have my life, Jesus
I fall to my knees
And I'm begging You, please, oh, Lord
Won't You change me
Make me new from the inside out
I want to shout out Your name,

YEAH BB

2009-03-11T15:15:00.001-07:00

Jonathan Close

2009-03-07T20:39:00.000-08:00

You we're like a brother to me... a brother who actually LIKED to hang out with me.
We were the babies of our families, and the only person I didn't feel invisible around.
I still remember playing with your car track in your room for hours, or you playing barbies with me in mine. I remember how we decided we were old enough to watch "It" with Jacob and Jamie... and then had nightmares for weeks. I remember how we'd always try to sneak upstairs to Justin and Jamie's room... but always got caught. I remember a lot of things, actually. You were always around, we were always together. You were my best friend, and there was never any question. I never felt rushed to visit you, because ypu'd always been around, and you always would be. You presence in my life has always been something I can count on... since I was 2 years old.
Rest In Peace Jono... I love you, and I'll miss you.

ps. I still have the hand puppet you got me for christmas when we were 4.

Excerpt from my own blog - May 1st 2008

2009-03-03T05:07:00.001-08:00

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:32-33

In this world you will have trouble.

That sentence isn't the kind ready for open interpretation. It doesn't leave you unsure of where you stand or it's meaning. It's simple and to the point.
In this world, in this life, you will have trouble. You will strive and you will fail, you will hurt and cry and mess up countless times and break hearts and have your own shattered. You will wake up some mornings and not want to get out of bed. Crap happens.
But take heart!
Do not fear! Dry your tears and rejoice!
I have overcome the world.
King of Kings, Lord of Lords. The Creator, Alpha and Omega, has overcome this world, this life, this trouble, torment and pain.
That sentence is as simple and concrete as the first.
Take heart! I have overcome the world.

I've been thinking a lot about this verse in particular lately. In this world you will have trouble.
Not maybe... You will.
Absolutely, no doubt about it.
Hold on tight.
I think back to all the times in my life when I have felt alone and hopeless and wondering if it will ever get better. The days, weeks and months after my mom passed away, I was certain that feeling in the pit of my stomach would never go away. That despair and emptiness that remained in her absence. I only recently remembered how much I used to refer to that emptiness. And only then did I notice that it's gone. I started to think back, way back, to before my mom passed away. When I look back at pictures from back then, I barely recognize myself. I was the tiny girl (yeah, yeah, still tiny) with the longest, blondest hair and the sparkle in my eye. I was the one who sat on the phone with my friends for hours telling them that it would get better, as long as they had faith.
The more I thought about it, the more I knew. It wasn't my lack of a mother that had me feeling empty for those passing weeks and months. It was my lack of faith. I'd lost my hope and my belief that it would get better.
I've had a lot of those moments since then, trust me.
Life will never be a walk in the park. There will always be trouble. But God has defeated this world, Jesus has battled the trouble and won.
Take heart. I have overcome the world.

Grip

2009-03-03T04:00:00.000-08:00

I never thought leaving my happiness behind would ever be an issue.
The thing is, I'm ACTUALLY happy. It feels like such a long time coming.
I feel like I'm on solid ground for the first time in so long.
Nothing has ever felt sturdy to me, I've never been able to rely on anyone, and now I have learned to rely on God. I have gained the self confidence to not fall back on others for protection or safety. It's like some sort of sick joke, that I'm finally growing in love and happiness, and I'm leaving. I am confident in my path here, but the future holds no guarantees. I've gone so long trying to escape from here, to reach out for bigger and better things... and suddenly my life feels like the very best thing. I'm scared to leave and lose that.... lose my security and friends and love. It's like I'll leave and everything will collapse, the world will end there, and there will be no way to backtrack. What if I turn my back for a second and everything changes? I'm in this new place in a new life, while my old life slips from my grip... my friends feel pain, or fear, and I'm not there to protect them. Lord knows I can't protect them now, but I'm HERE, I'm here and I want everyone to be able to depend on that. If I'm halfway across the country, everything will change without me, and I wont be around to help. Or what if, by some miracle everyone stays safe and healthy and steadfast... but I am not? What if I leave and my happiness stays here? I've been blessed with so many things to be thankful for, so what right do I have to walk away from them all? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Don't Let Me Fall

2009-03-02T04:48:00.000-08:00

Underneath the moon,
Underneath the stars
Heres a little heart for you
Up above the world,
Up above it all
Heres a hand to hold on to

But if I should break,
If I should fall away
What am I to do?
I need someone to take,
A little of the weight
Or I'll fall through

You're just the one
That I've been waiting for
I'll give you
All that I have
To give and more
But don't let me fall

Take a little time,
Walk a little line
Got the balance right
Give a little love,
Gimme just enough
So that I can hang on tight

We will be alright,
I'll be by your side
I wont let you down
But I gotta know,
No matter how things go
That you will be alright

You're just the one
That I've been waiting for
I'll give you all
That I have
To give and more
But don't let me fall

Underneath the moon,
Underneath the stars
Heres a little heart for you
Up above the world,
Up above it all
Heres a hand to hold on to

Your just the one
That I've been waiting for
I'll give you
All that I have
To give and more
But don't let me fall

You'll be the one
That I'll love forever more
I'll be here holding you
High above it all
But don't let me fall

Jigsaw

2009-03-02T01:56:00.001-08:00

I feel so blessed to have the people in my life... in my life.
It's like it's a puzzle built just right.
I have a huge group of friends, each one with their own special quirk. Some are ditzy, some are pessimistic, some have their psycho-android moments. But so do I. And we all, in our mayhem and obscurity, make up a huge bizarre, flawed, but intricate puzzle. It's never perfect, and it's always hectic, but we fit. And I am feeling so phenominally blessed right now by every little piece of my puzzle. Even those who I don't get along with, they are a part of my world, my puzzle. My puzzle feels kind of complete.
I'm not saying my life is perfect or reached its pinacle. Lots of things suck, this isn't even one of my best days. But my puzzle continues to grow and expand, gaining more and more vibrant colors and patterns.
My life feels like a masterpiece in progress.

Photographs

2009-03-02T01:52:00.000-08:00

[Miraculously found from Dec 9 '08]

About 20 minutes ago I was sitting in my livingroom crying and hyperventilating a bit, due to a sudden realization that my mother is dead. 4 years too late? Yes. But it happens every year. Every single year around this time I remember that my life is missing something, and my mind has never quite wrapped around that. Every once in awhile I sit down and try very hard to make sense of it all. I try to remember her face, her voice, and how she smelled, and then I tell myself that the person I am remembering is gone. But it doesn't really add up. Yes, I know my mom died, and I know everything that went along with it. The facts are all there. But a few moments ago, I was looking through my photoalbum of her, and staring at her face, and it doesn't really make sense. Because I can look deep into the eyes of the photos, and remember when the photo was real, but it's a memory, and it's like that person isn't a part of me anymore, because although the memories and feelings are there, when I look into the face, that person isn't really a person... it could just as easily be someone from a movie I've watched over and over. And that scares me. Because I love my mom and I miss her every day and I have so many memories that drive me to tears, but trying to connect the person to the events hurts too much for the connection to be made. For it to really make sense. I just really want it to make sense.

However. I don't want to end this on that note.
So I wont.
Because, I found a picture.
I was talking to Chris, and I remembered the photoalbum my Aunt gave me for christmas last year. It was something she'd been working on since my mom passed away. A photo album of pictures from the time my mom was a baby, up until a month before she died.
And I found a picture I'd never really noticed before. The last picture of my mom. It's of my mom and I... and I was clearly caught off guard and I look terrible and my mom looks tired and a little too pale. But it's my mom and I. Proof that, at some point, we sat beside eachother and our arms touched.
And there are tons of photos of my mom and I. The photo album is chock full of them. But this one is different. In this photo I am not a blond 5 year on sitting on my moms lap. I am fifteen, and I bear a pretty striking resemblance to the person I am now. My mom is beside me on the couch and you can tell that before they photo was taken, we were laughing. And not mommy and five year old girl laughing; genuine laughing. A girl on the brink of adulthood (or so I liked to believe at the time) laughing with her mother, because we were friends. It was proof that once upon a time, four years ago, our arms touched and she was my best friend.

Nikalus Ferris

2009-02-14T01:56:00.000-08:00

Praise the Lord for placing you in my life.

Lessons

2009-02-14T00:51:00.001-08:00

I had such an unbelievable time tonight. Cariboo Hill Temple warms my heart.

Also, I totally pwned at Dutch Blitz... amd left my cellphone in Dan Thiessens car.
Oh boy.

My heart was also shattered a bit today when I realized how truly malicious some people can be... I can't wrap my head around the idea that someone would set out to hurt someone they supposedly care about. I have lost such a colossal amount of respect for you, and I am not sure that could ever be repaired. I learned today from a very dear friend that my devotion stretches extremely far.... and I simply will not stand idly by while you purposely try to cause someone so dear to my heart so much pain.

Personality Tests

2009-02-13T13:02:00.000-08:00

So I am currently at the home of my dear friend Caitlyn Spence in Vancouver after a wonderful slumber prty extravaganza... a night of tears, hugs, laughter and The Office, we somehow came to personality tests.
Defining Moments:

Molly: *reading Caitlyns personality traits* ''INFP as a lover.... ''I don't like the word lover..
Caitlyn: Me neither! It sounds too pre marital! It does not fit into my value system!

Molly: *taking her personality test* Caitlyn? Do I relate to broken, discarded things?
Caitlyn: You totally do!
Molly: I do not!
Caitlyn: If you saw a broken, discarded puppy on the side of the road, you would totally take it in
Molly: So would you!
Caitlyn: No I would feel passionate about the injustice of the depraved person who beat the puppy... I would start a group to find the person who did it and fight them... you would take the puppy home, and not even take it to a shelter.... you would take care of it and be devoted to it for the rest of its life.

I just love Caitlyn Spence to the ends of the earth.
She is such a monumental blessing on my life.

Tradition

2008-12-12T02:11:00.000-08:00

So right now I've been inspired to write by Evangeline's blog. Despite having a horrendous time of it in the past few days, she still had the time to bask in the glory of God and the birth of our Savior.
Christmas has been a somewhat gloomy time for me in past years, as forementioned in previous bloggings. I think a lot of it has to do with a sense of belonging, which became all the more clear to me whilst reading Vangi's blog entry about Christmastime with her family.
My Christmases as of late have consisted of celebrations on the Mainland with my extended family. Now, I love them EVER so dearly, and they (My Auntie Colleen and Uncle Ted in particular) have served as sort of surrogate parents to me over the years. However, I am also the last of my generation in a way. My cousins Ryan and Celidh (both of which I have a very close relationship with) are both married with children of their own (Isla and Ewan to Ryan, and, most recently, little Trinity to Celidh). As much as I love and am thankful for my holidays spent with them, I don't feel like I truly belong there, the outsider in the houseful of happy families, all connected in one way or another.
And now, my immediate family, which ultimately consists of my father and I, even moreso now that my brother has Dayna, as well as a little one on the way, is severely lacking.
I have excellent memories of Christmases with my family.
My family is one of traditions, you see. For instance, my brother and I had to be asleep at a certain time on Christmas Eve. We would be awoken at midnight by one of my parents, usually my mom, to come downstairs and celebrate. Naturally, we never slept. My brother and I always got along reasonably well, but Christmas was golden. We would play games and laugh and do anything to stay awake. In earlier years, I would definitely pass out by 9 or 10, but eventually I became a real trooper.
At midnight, we would scamper downstairs, and the livingroom would be teeming with all sorts of treats, mostly appetizers, and sparkling orange juice. We would eat and sing Christmas songs, and dance to "A Very Rosie Christmas" (my mom's album of choice... any time of the year, really). We would open most of our presents at that time as well, as was the tradition on BOTH sides of my family since my parents were little.
Eventually, the party of four would wind down, and my brother and I would be ushered sleepily back upstairs, to await morning, and the gifts from Jolly St. Nick.
Those Christmas parties will always be a cherished memory, along with how seriously my brother took to his duty of placing the Angel at the top of the tree. Or my job, of moving baby Jesus, at the stroke of Midnight, from the top of the manger, where he had been residing with his Angel since the nativity went up, to his proper placing inside the manger with Mary and Joseph, the Shepherd, sheep, goat, cow and 3 smiling wisemen.
In fact, that job held such importance to me, that I would practice each day in the days and weeks leading up to Christmas, setting out the porcelin characters and rearranging them in different positions several times a day. It had to be just right for baby Jesus. They had to make a good first impression on the savior of the entire world, after all.
I took particular favour in the Wisemen. I would sit there and look at the sparkling gifts in their arms, and their bright clothing and see their smiling faces. They were so happy to see little baby Jesus. Like it was all they needed.
And little sleeping baby Jesus. No matter how young I was, he always managed to fit cradled in my two hands, perfectly serine and content on the porecelin straw.
As much as I loved the Christmases when our extended family would travel out ot visit us for a giant celebration, my most cherished Yuletide memories were the years when it was just us.
Myself, Momma, Daddy, Jacob, Baby Jesus and his adoring fans.

To Build A Home

2008-12-10T05:11:00.000-08:00

There is a house built out of stone
Wooden floors, walls and window sills
Tables and chairs worn by all of the dust
This is a place where I don't feel alone
This is a place where I feel at home

And I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now
It's time to leave and turn to dust

Out in the garden where we planted the seeds
There is a tree as old as me
Branches were sewn by the color of green
Ground had arose and passed it's knees

By the cracks of the skin I climbed to the top
I climbed the tree to see the world
When the gusts came around to blow me down
I held on as tightly as you held onto me
I held on as tightly as you held onto me

And I built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
And now
It's time to leave and turn to dust

Wonderwoman

2008-12-10T02:44:00.000-08:00

Right now, I'm reading my mom's journal. My mom kept a journal for years, it was like a giant datebook, with pages and pages of lists and dates and phonecalls to make.

- buy M's sewing material
- deposit for J's grad photos
- vacuum living room
- 3 loads laundry; wash/dry/fold
- bake cake M's birthday
- ph skating rink re: birth. party (I remember that birthday, by the way!)
- M's auditions tues 4:15 - 5:45
- Send birth card - Chelsea
- M's hep B shot
- Meet the teacher night

Every day, the list was just as long or longer. She worked full time and still found the time to keep everyone's lives in order. She recorded everything and made homemade birthday/christmas/arbor day cards.
Dentist appointments, career days, phone calls from concerned teachers... ahem... (So I was a little "disorganized"... and I tended to misplace some of my assignments. I was also eleven. It was to be expected. )
She recorded EVERYTHING. Most of this stuff, I don't remember... but if I ever needed to know what I did on May 22nd 2000, I could check this book and know.
- K went to get eggs, milk and dog food at 3:00 and came back at 4:10
- M's deposit to Larsen Music $183.30 due for sax
- M's speech semi-finals: 11- 12:30
- M missed bus... again!
- Ph. re: J dentist appointment

It's pretty intense.
Basically, my mom was kinda wonder woman.

We - For Evangeline

2008-11-30T01:10:00.000-08:00

Standing tall, we're an unstoppable foundation
Deflecting the lies, slander and soul deflation
Anxiously waiting a divine transformation
This is our calling, our lifelong vocation
We have no need for a moments admiration
This is more than a fad, this is complete dedication
We know our purpose, and our eternal destination
We're more than just idle children, we're the new generation
We'll survive through pain, loss and manipulation
We're a wonderful design of the Lord God's creation
We are here to send out a joyous proclaimation
The wonder, the miracle, the ecstacy of salvation

The Hairbrush

2008-11-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

Our curtain opens as Larry, having just finished his morning
bath, is searching for his hairbrush. Having no success, Larry cries out...

"Oh, where is my hairbrush? Oh where is my hairbrush? Oh, where,
oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh,
where oh, where ... is my hairbrush?"

Having heard his cry, Pa Grape enters the scene. Shocked and
slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel, Pa regains his
composure and reports ...

"I think I saw a hairbrush back there!"

"Back there is my hairbrush. Back there is my hairbrush. Back
there, back there, oh, where, back there, oh, where, oh, where, back
there, back there, back there ... is my hairbrush!"

Having heard his joyous proclamation, Junior Asparagus enters
the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a
towel, Junior regains his composure and comments ...

"Why do you need a hairbrush? You don't have any hair!"

Larry is taken aback. The thought had never occured to him.
No hair? What would this mean? What will become of him? What will become
of his hairbrush? Larry wonders ...

"No hair for my hairbrush. No hair for my hairbrush. No hair, no
hair, no where, no hair, no hair, no hair, no where, back there, no hair
.. for my hairbrush!"

Having heard his wonderings, Bob the Tomato enters the scene.
Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel, Bob
regains his composure and confesses ...

"Larry, that old hairbrush of yours ... Well, you never use it, you
don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry ... I didn't know. But I gave
it to the Peach - 'cause he's got hair!"

Feeling a deep sense of loss, Larry stumbles back and laments...

"Not fair for my hairbrush. Not fair! My poor hairbrush. Not
fair, not fair, no hair, not fair, no where, no hair, not fair, not
fair, not fair! My little hairbrush!"

Having heard his lament, the Peach enters the scene. Himself
in a towel, both Larry and the Peach are shocked and slightly
embarrassed at the sight of...each other. But recognizing Larry's
generosity, the Peach is thankful ...

"Thanks for the hairbrush."

Yes, good has been done here. The Peach exits the scene.
Larry smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment for the
hairbrush, calls out ...

"Take care of my hairbrush. Take care, oh my hairbrush. Take
care, take care, don't dare not care, take care, nice hair, no fair, take care, take care ... of my hairbrush."

The end!

Go Tell It On The Mountain

2008-11-26T21:10:00.000-08:00

Alright, so at work today, I was bitten by the vermin of Holiday Cheer.
I'm not sure how many people know this, but I used to LOVE Christmas. I didn't care so much for the gifts, or the money or any of that sort of stuff. I loved sneaking out the back door of my bedroom and sneaking down the spiraling staircase that ran behind my bedroom (which we didn't know existed until we realized my bedroom had TWO doors) and just stand in my livingroom and watch the lights on the christmas tree twinkle. I loved the smell of cinnamon and the sound of Christmas music. I loved the bustle, and the sounds of my family laughing. I loved how we probably had the ugliest Christmas tree on the block, because it was decked out with 25 + years of sentimental decorations - ever dough wreath, candy cane reindeer, and glittered styrofoam ball my brother and I had ever made. It was quite a sight. I could've cared less about presents, to be perfectly honest. I mean, I'm not going to say I hated getting gifts or anything, that part was great. The thing is, I can't really remember 99% of the presents I've gotten over the years, but I can recall what my house looked, smelled and felt like every single year.
Then my mom died, and none of that really mattered to me anymore. My brother doesn't seem to recally care about it anymore, my dad doesn't even get a Christmas tree, and the ornaments my mom had been saving since well before my infancy went MIA when she did. For the past 3 years, it's been like Christmas didn't know how to survive without her.
Today though, as I watched people Christmas shopping for their loved ones; grandmothers asking me which picture books their granddaughter may enjoy (Paper Bag Princess for the win), little boys spending their allowance on a velveteen rabbit for their sister... or men and women alike desperately scouring the racks for cookbooks with the PERFECT Christmas dinner recipe, my teensy tiny black heart gradually warmed. I guess it's pretty lame that I was softened by mass consumerism, but it just reminded me why I loved the Holiday so much in the first place. Not because of the gifts, but because of the looks I saw on each of faces I saw today. Their compassion for their families, their joy for the season, or their heart being warmed by mass consumerism. Praise Jesus, because even though your brilliant birth is being horrifically overshadowed, you ARE love. And your love is shown on each of your childrens' faces. Your love has warmed my heart.

Live... Live Like You're Dying

2008-11-24T22:28:00.000-08:00

One of these days
You’ll be under the covers,
You’ll be under the table
And you’ll realize
All of your days are numbered;
All of them - one to one hundred.
All of them millions.
All of them trillions.
So what are you gonna do with them all?
You cannot trade them in for more.
Take every moment; you know that you own them.
It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you.
Give me a reason
To fight the feeling
That there’s nothing here for me.
Cause none of its easy,
I know it wasn’t meant to be.
I know it’s all up to me
So what am I gonna do with my time?
I'll take every moment, I know that I own them
It’s all up to you to do whatever you choose.

Live like you’re dying and never stop trying.
It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you.
All of the moments you didn’t notice;
Gone in the blink of an eye.
All of the feelings you couldn’t help feel
No matter how you try
Take every moment, You know that you own them
It’s all up to you to do whatever you choose.

Live like you’re dying and never stop trying.
It’s all you can do, use what’s been given to you.

An excerpt from the blog of Debora Cahn

2008-11-18T14:52:00.000-08:00

A word about diaries. When you find your mother’s diary, don’t read it. DON’T READ IT. I tell you this from experience. I found my mother’s diary. Not really a diary, a suitcase full of stuff she wrote for a writing class, but one of the assignments was to keep a journal, and my sister said DON’T READ IT and I read it, and I’m telling you. DO NOT READ THE DIARY. If they thought you should know, they’d have told you. But more importantly, I say this to the diary keepers of the world: What the hell are you thinking? You really think nobody’s gonna find that thing? You really think that the box in the back of the closet is a secure location? That an old sweater and a pair of long underwear’ll throw everyone off the trail? You’re dead, and your poor child/spouse/best friend is tasked with going through your stuff, and they see the box with the sweater and the long underwear, and they think, I’m not going to touch that pair of long underwear, it’s clearly a box of old winter clothing, let’s just close it up again and bring it right over to Goodwill. No, people. Anyone who hasn’t had a lobotomy is going to move the long underwear aside, and find the diary, and read it. And let me tell you, that little tiny lock can be picked with a bobby pin. If you feel you must put your feelings on paper, destroy those pages once a year. If you feel you must have a way to reconnect with your younger self, run the bonfire once a decade. And when you find yourself visiting an oncologist or cardiologist with some regularity, take it as a sign to THROW OUT THE DIARIES.

Always Love

2008-11-17T20:28:00.000-08:00

To make a mountain of your life Is just a choice
But I never learned enough
To listen to the voice that said
Always love; Hate will get you every time
Always love; Don't wait til the finish line

Slow demands come around
Squeeze the air and keep the rest out
It helps to write it down
Even if you then cross it out

Self-directed lives
I want to know what it'd be like to
Aim so high above
Any card that you get dealt you

I've been held back by something
You said to me quietly on the stairs,
I've been held back by something
You said to me quietly on the stairs
You said
Hey, you good ones
Hey, you good ones

Always Love
Hate will get you every time
Always love
Hate will get you

First Day on a Brand New Planet

2008-11-17T20:13:00.000-08:00

"Most of our life is a series of images. They pass us by like towns on the highway. But sometimes a moment stuns us as it happens. And we know that this instant is more than a fleeting image. We know that this moment, every part of it, will live on forever."

We Believe In Barack Obama

2008-11-16T23:54:00.000-08:00

So I was just listening to the The Hush Sound and not really paying attention to the lyrics, when one of their new tracks came on from "Welcome to the New Administration" and it made me love life.
Wewt.