december 10th

You were an angel even in life, and that gives me something to strive for every day. Missing you today and always, momma. Thanks for watching over me. In a while, crocodile.

Line up

It's all about lines. The finish line. Waiting in line. Then there is the most important line. The line separating you from other people.
 You need boundaries between you and the rest of the world; other people are far too messy. 
It's all about lines... drawing lines in the sand and praying like hell no one crosses them. 
At some point, though, you have to make a decision. 
Boundaries don't keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. 
So you can waste your life drawing lines, or you can live your life crossing them. 
There are always some lines that are way too dangerous to cross...  but here's what I know. If you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular. 

It's a big girl world now, full of big girl things

So I have to write a sermon for August, the weekend I get back from Mexico. Something tells me to wait until after the trip, because something there is bound to inspire me, but I just don't know.  I've also been wondering if it's really something I can do. My majors were really keen on it when they approached me about it, but I feel like they have a lot more faith in me than I deserve.  My love for the Lord should make me confident in the message I've been asked to give, right?
The more I think about it, the more I know exactly what I need to speak about.
Sorry for the pointless post.

Break me out tonight, I want to see the sun rising anywhere but here

There are times lately when I feel hopelessly alone. I know full well that I am not alone; my life is overflowing with people who love me, but in all honesty, I feel a disconnect from them all a lot of the time. I feel like I'm stuck in this limbo between a frivolous adolescent and a full-fledged adult. I bounce around the people who don't consider me quite at their level, or perhaps it's the other way around. This is the first time in my life where I feel like I'm lacking a significant other person in my life, not romantically, but definitely relationally. I don't really have a best friend, not like I've always had in the past. In Nanaimo, I always had Michelle, or Caitlyn and they blessed me in unfathomable ways. When I first moved to Vernon, there were people who became a huge part of my life, and I relied on them a great deal to fill the gaps left by those I had left behind. After we parted ways a bit, in every way we needed to, the disconnect between myself and everyone who remained began to grow. I didn't mean for this to become a list of all the people who I have left or who have left me, because all those people remain as significant parts of my life, but none in the ways they once were. I have some extremely incredible people in my life nowadays, all of  whom I truly love, and I don't want them, or anyone else, to think I feel anything but complete appreciation, but it's been months since I've felt like there's been someone to fill my needs socially, spiritually and.... I don't know. Maybe that isn't something I should rely on. Maybe now is a time in my life when I should try to identify myself separately from everyone else. Maybe this means I should look to God as the one to fill any and every need. Knowing that this is absolutely the case doesn't make this any easier. I feel alone.

so please remember me seldomly

You know, sometimes it seems like such a waste.  Such a massive shame. I mean, I  stress to my friends how important it is to cherish their mothers, to not take them for granted. Because one day they may be gone.  And then I think of you. We were all so incredibly close when I was growing up. It was actually kind of pathetic how close we were. Like I couldn't find enough friends within my peers, so I settled for my parents. Pathetic, but also so wonderful. We would sit around on friday nights, playing card games and laughing. We laughed a lot. I never thought it'd be like this. We were't supposed to end up this way. It feels like a separate lifetime. You don't even look the same anymore, do you know that?
Your face changed, all of the sudden and slowly over time. Sometimes I lay in bed and think of what a terrible hypocrite I am, harping about parental relationships, and you and I are so estranged. That's the word, you know. Estranged. You are a stranger to me. I cannot remember the last conversation we had.  You know nothing about my life and I wonder about once every 3 weeks if you're alive, or lying somewhere, with no one to claim you, because you've alienated everyone in your life.  I never thought this would be us. I think back to 14 year old me, smiling and laughing, and I know that that girl would never be able to fathom any part of the last 9 years. Even jaded, angry 17 year old me can't quite wrap her mind around it. Slowly over time, and quite suddenly, we became strangers.  I wish our story had turned out differently.  But the truth is, it hurts to look at you. It hurts to imagine you so utterly alone and broken. I don't know how to relate with you anymore, how to talk to you. I don't know how to let you know me. I don't know how to be your daughter anymore.  And I'm sorry.

Why We Broke Up

"Dear ____,
In a sec you'll hear a thunk. At your back door, the one nobody uses. It'll rattle the hinges a bit when it lands, because it's so weighty and important, a little jangle along with the thunk, and your mom will look up from whatever she's cooking. She will look down in her saucepan, worried that if she goes to see what it is it'll boil over. I can see her frown in the reflection of the bubbly sauce. But she'll go, she'll go and see. You won't. You wouldn't. You're upstairs, probably, sweaty and heartbroken. I hope. So it's your mother who will open the door even though the thunk's for you. You won't even know or hear what's being dumped at your door. You won't even know why it even happened.

 It's a beautiful day, sunny and whatnot. The sort of day when you think everything will be all right. Not the right day for this, not for us, who went out when it rained, from october 5 until november 12. But the sky is bright and it's clear to me. I'm telling you why we broke up.
I'm writing it in this letter, the whole truth of why it happened. And the truth is that I goddamn loved you so much.

 The thunk is the box. This is what I am leaving you. I found it down in the basement, just grabbed the box when all our things were too much for my bedside drawer. So it all went into the box and the box went into my closet with some shoes on top of it that I never wear. Every last souvenir of the love we had, the prizes and the debris of this relationship, like the glitter in the gutter when the parade had passed; all the everything kicked to the curb. I'm dumping the whole box back into your life, every item of you and me. I'm dumping this box on your porch, but it is you who is getting dumped.

 The thunk, I admit it, will make me smile, a rare thing lately. Lately, I've been like Aimeé Rondelé in The Sky Cries Too, a movie, French, you haven't seen. She plays an assassin and dress designer, and she only smiles twice in the whole film. Once is when the kingpin who killed her father gets thrown off a building, which is not the time I'm thinking of. It's the time at the end, when she finally has the envelope of photographs and burns it unopened in a gorgeous ashtray and she knows it is over and lights a cigarette and stands in her perfect green of a dress, watching the blackbirds swarm and flurry around the church spire. I can see it. The world is right again, is the smile. I love you, and now here's back your stuff, out of my life like you belong, is the smile. I know you can't see it. Not you, but maybe if I tell you the whole plot, you'll understand it just this once, because even now I want you to see it. I don't love you anymore, of course I don't, but still there's something I can show you. You know I want to be a screenwriter, but you could never truly see the movies in my head, and that is why we broke up."

Sometimes I'd like just to ask her what honest words she can't afford to say

I feel very fortunate lately to recognize the fact that I seem to be growing into myself. It's not as though I'm "finding" myself, or that I've finally grown up, but I've reached a point where I look back at the past 5 or so years, and have no regrets. I no longer feel like I'm trying to successfully maneuver a route away from the choices I've made or the people I've hurt. I had a really incredible talk with an old, cherished friend recently that really helped me realize that. Nothing was incredible about the talk itself, aside from the fact that it happened. For the first time, I looked objectively at the last year or so before I moved to the Okanagan, at some of the decisions I made, or people I impacted, in both positive and negative ways. I have somehow, by some beautiful miracle, been able to trace the path of my life, and pinpoint why I did some of the things I did in the past, and what has lead to me growing beyond that into the person I am now. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure who I am now. My life feels like a gigantic puddle of who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I'm slowly picking through the debris of the last 23 years and having to decide what the ultimate conclusion will be... not now, or even years from now. But I know that this is the time when I start working toward the person I wish to be, and the impact I want to make. Now is the time when I stop analyzing the past and start building a future on God's will for my life. I'm terrified and nervous and overwhelmed... but I'm also excited. Above all, I know that everything that has happened to me or happened as result of myself, both the good and the very bad, has had an affect on where I'm going and who I am, whoever that is. I'm thankful for those experiences now. I know now that they were just growing pains, and the result feels very worthwhile.

I miss you
and I'm scared I don't really remember you anymore.
I live my life with people who never knew you, and the only real perspective I have is my own now. I have the same 10 memories that I feel I replay over and over, and I worry that those don't make up a fair representation of who you are.
I feel like it's only getting harder without you, and as more time passes, my understanding of my life and of you becomes more and more skewed. I have all these ideas of what a family is supposed to be like, and what it means to be raised and grow up and celebrate and love, but I feel like my experiences with all those things began to end when you left, and they don't fit with who I am anymore. It's like all my memories aren't mine, but are just a story I've heard so many times. I feel fragmented and missing all the time, and I don't know where I fit anymore.
I feel like I've lost you.

Philia

Sometimes, I consider love.
It's probably one of the most over-used, under-sincere words in the english language. I had a pastor who once compared the love for his wife to his love for fried chicken.. I know that in Greek, there are actually many different words which all mean love.Let's see how much I remember.
Agape is the most widely known. That is the self-sacrificing, "true" love. The type of love Jesus had for us when he sacrificed himself to atone for our sins. It is the love described in the "love" chapter of the bible; 1 Corinthians 13.
Eros is the love of passion. I know that Plato once said eros 'helps the soul recall knowledge of beauty', and 'contributes to an understanding of spiritual truth.'
Philia is the love of friendship, a virtuous love. It includes loyalty to friends, family, and community, and requires virtue, equality and familiarity.
Storge is the lesser-known love, and means "affection" in Greek. It's used to describe the feeling one has toward family members. It can also be used in situations of "loving the one who hurts you"
I sincerely wish we had this many words to describe love in English, because I feel the word has become a cliche. I had to spend time going over my testimony this past week, and it got me thinking about how much my mom told me she loved me growing up, and how much I tell the people in my life that I love them. No matter how much I do, I never feel like it is enough.
I think of Philia love, and how much of that I see displayed every day in my life. Clint speaks so often of community, to such a point that I begin to wonder if our community is all that it could be. But when I reflect on the past year of my life, and even the past couple days, all I see is love and community. That's what sticks out to me. Jen bringing me ginger ale when I had the flu, or Clint bringing food to the MacBain's when Carol's dad passed away, or everyone supporting the Thompson's after Aiden was born.
I think of our cellgroup, and how we're always praying for those with us and who cannot make it, and the overwhelming amount of love they showed me last night.
Maybe love is overused and undersincere, but I hope everyone in pathways finds comfort in the fact that it is never under-represented or under-appreciated.



If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing. If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
When I was an infant at my mother's breast, I gurgled and cooed like any infant. When I grew up, I left those infant ways for good.
We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!
But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love.
1 Corinthians 13 The Message

Saints of Servitude

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace
where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury, pardon
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy
Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted
to understand, than to be understood
to love, than to be loved.
For it is by giving that one receives.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
And it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Oh the glory that the Lord has made, and the complications you could do without

I am feeling a great amount of heartbreak for so many reasons that I can't really find the words for.
It's a painful thing; not having the necessary words.
Sometimes I wish I could cry.
It's like my tear ducts are always too proud.
Or maybe, in this case, that would make it too real.

"I read about how you touched them and they were healed.
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed;
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though, did you ever just hug people
I mean, I know that it is a silly question and all; I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you've?
But it's one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it
And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins, and last time I checked all my body parts were properly working; nothing special here.
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets.
I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in the gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is okay for me to imagine, right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology, is it
Okay good. Then hug me.
But not one of these sideways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pat pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
No, none of those.
BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them over my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because you're squeezing me so hard.
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that.
And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry
because I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
Theres just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged
So hold me in this hugging pose
Until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose "

Normal is the watchword

I really appreciate Catherine Chalk.
I had the terrific opportunity to spend a significant amount of time with her today sitting on a couch talking, and it was such a blessing. I truly love our ability to be honest and lay everything out on the table right off the bat. I've realized recently that honesty is something I wholly admire in a person. I've had a lot of uncertainties in my life, and although I can appreciate the fact that not everything is black and white or cut and dry, I will take any opportunity to dispel the gray areas. During my conversation with her I also found myself reawakening a certain sense of self that I seem to be missing lately.
I love camp, but I feel like a floater here. Things that seemed so trivial before, take a greater importance in my life, and I spend a lot less time being conscious of what I have and my place in my own story.
I'm not sure if this actually makes any sense... but I'm just going to keep trucking along...

When I'm at home, despite whether I'm having a bad day or not, my purpose is clear, and I feel so solid and grounded. And I do spend a lot of time feeling that way here, don't get me wrong, camp has done amazing things for me; in the past and in these last few weeks. But I think different parts of me tend to be highlighted when I'm in either place.
I remember before I left for camp, I desperately needed a break. I felt so strained, and coming here was such a blessing. I could feel different things instantly falling into place, and started to wonder if Vernon was really where I was meant to be.
In the last little while, though, I realized that there are parts of myself, parts that I have felt growing and maturing and really adding to my character, that tend to fall away while I'm here.
I am apprehensive about returning home in 2 weeks, but at the same time, it feels right and feels like time. There is so much left to experience there, and so many people I feel at a loss without.
It's bizarre to think that this time last year, those people weren't even on my radar. I've always liked and admired Nicole, but I never considered she'd become my very best friend and confidante. I didn't even know Jen last year, and now I can't imagine my life without her. The MacBain's are like family to me, and I miss holding Ethan, Tenaya, Nathan, Ben and Lucas in my arms when I'm away. It physically aches a little to think that Janelle isn't up to date on my ENTIRE life, and I miss walking into work and instantly being cheered by Andre's smile.
I'm so grateful for the parts everyone has played in my life this past year, and I'm very excited for the next year.
I suppose that's all.
Namaste.

A glass can only spill what it contains

So I have made the conscious decision to start blogging again. I miss writing in a very achy way, and I should probably get back into practice before classes start up.
I'm not sure how I feel about life these days. I've been having a lot of D&M's (Deep and Meaningful) with Caitlyn recently, because I've been feeling like I'm losing sight of myself.
I've been priding myself over the past few months on how self-aware I seemed to be getting, but now I'm just not so sure. I've been through a lot of really intense stuff in my short life, and yet it seems to me that it's the more inconsequential stuff that appears to be throwing my life into a tailspin lately. Maybe it is that realization that has me so on edge.
Regardless, my heart has been feeling pretty strained lately. It's being stretched and squeezed to it's limits, and although I am aware that it's a muscle to be worked, it's not something I enjoy all that much. I was pouring it all out to Caitlyn earlier this evening about the things I feel versus the things I know to be true. That although I feel utterly heartbroken all the time, I know that healing is taking place in direct correlation, and despite my extreme emotional highs and lows, I am completely aware of where I am and what I need/am ready for regardless of how I feel.
It's funny, I had a moment after unleashing this wave of emotion where I felt completely vulnerable and embarrassed of everything I had told her, and was sure she was going to write me off as being a complete basketcase, but instead, she told me how impressed she was with how aware I was of my own needs and emotional boundaries.
It seems ridiculous now that I would ever think Caitlyn would think I was a basketcase; she's such a steadfast best friend, and she sees all the beauty and maturity in me that I fail to ever recognize on my own.
I feel lately like I have to work to constantly remind myself that I am safe and taken care of, and despite many possible pitfalls, I have so many terrific things going for me.
I thank God every day for Caitlyn, and her unwavering ability to make me see that.

This somehow became a lovenote to her, so I'll continue my emotional downfall later on.
Namaste.

ps. I've started listening to mewithoutYou a lot while writing; it is brilliant and therapeutic. Try it sometime.

Maybe our stars are unanimously tired

I don't want to hurt anymore.
I can't.
You mean more to me than anyone I have ever met.
I would do anything for you, and that scares me, because I'm not entirely sure you've done enough to deserve that.
You're so good, and so kind, and yet somewhere along the line, that ended between us.
I've been holding out for a sign that this isn't just useless progress, and I don't see it, despite all the ways I try to make myself believe there's something there. Something that isn't pain.
I love you, and I want to be in your life so badly, but I also know that, at least right now, you being in mine is just causing a lot of damage.
So I'm letting go.
It hurts so much more than I could have ever imagined.
But I need to do this.
I need to let you go.

Beyond Words

And I'll still love you
Beyond what words can say
I'll take your every suffering moment
And bring a better day
I'll still love you
More then what I hope to be
Let me wrap my arms around you
Let me take your breath away

Before the gleam of your taillights fading East to find yourself a better life

I haven't really felt like writing lately. Last night I was telling Jen about how, growing up, my mom always talked about the day when I would become a famous author, and I would sign it "Mahala Sarah" and make the dedication out to my mom, who taught me everything I know. I would usually just roll my eyes when she floated off into this fantasy world of hers, but it's a dream I still keep tucked away. I seem to be doing that a lot. Tucking things away. Dreams, hopes, ambitions, little prayers.. and I don't think it's what God wants for me. When I was a little girl, I had this picture in my mind of what my life would look like when I was 20 years old. I was talking to Clint yesterday about how, "whenever we start something new, there's always a certain expectation... and then there's reality." They rarely match up perfectly.

So does that mean that we should get rid of expectation entirely. Be satisfied with whatever we can get?
I think this post stopped being about life goals somewhere along the way.
But I may as well continue.... I'm starting to think that that's not good enough for me. I deserve more than "the best I can get. "

The glove compartment isn't accurately named, and everybody knows it - so I'm proposing a swift orderly change.

Cause behind it's door there's nothing to keep my fingers warm, and all I find are souvenirs from better times.

Chill

You stand still in the cold, paralyzed in your anguish, transfixed
By each swirling snowflake, which remind you every
Year without fail of the off-white hospital room and how you thought
That falling snowflakes were a lot like a crumbling tower.
And now you know without a moments hesitation that you’re the tower which
Resembles now, more than anything, the snow in February,
You know the kind, half-melted, and off-colored from months of
Shoe-soles and snow-shovels to the face.

And the chill, it creeps through the deep fissures
In your armor and that’s all it takes, you never think to take heed
Bat an eyelash - you stay peacefully inattentive, distracted by delirium
Not a single tremor until the fateful day it reaches the thick
Of your bones and by then, what can you do
But sit in careful deliberate silence, for fear the next insubstantial upset might crash
Your world to pieces and through the cracks will spill
Sorrow and you’re too focused on staying alive and breathing to realize that
You’re already deceased and buried in your silence and your stillness.

Mahala Sarah Woodford

Immortalized

Ellen-Marie Woodford (nee Bausman)

Green Eyes

MYSTERY Hair

4'10.5

Nail biter

Neat freak

Loves baking cookies/brownies

Hates winter and the color yellow

Loves flowers and the color green

Favorite animal - monkey

Terrible dancer

Always singing

Loves to talk and be with people

Infectious laugh

Can't drive standard

Always smells like lavender

Can make anything rhyme

Always has a story to tell

Hand talker

Major fan of the eskimo kiss

Hates being called "Ellie"

Has a "preterition's" nose

Maker of the best french toast in the continent

5 years.

How can it be 5 years already?

That's a quarter of my life.

Soon, the rest is going to fly by... by the time I'm 31, you'll have been dead for more of my life than you were here with me.

What if soon it's like you never existed at all?

How can it be that you have not been a part of my life for 5 years, and yet you're everything in me.

Heartbreak Warfare

So I'm really joyful these days. Things are going very well. I feel very grounded in my faith, and I love gaining more and more knowledge about my creator every day. It's such a blessing!

I've made some really great friends, I really like my job, and I concretely believe that Marion Houlbrook is the greatest woman alive. She's so sweet and hilarious and compassionate, and I feel like I can talk to her about anything. I am so glad that I've gotten to know her. Also, she knows all the words to "Walk Like An Egyptian".

This next month or so is going to be crazy. On top of work, classes and cell groups, next weekend, I'm going down to Vancouver for the Canadian Youth Workers Convention. The weekend after that is the CHT Banquet in Burnaby, which I'm very excited about. I miss all my friends so much, and it will be great to see everyone again... especially Chelle. She and the Nanaimo youth are staying in a hotel and I have already dibs'd a room with her. (Pathways doesn't really have a strong youth component... yet... so I'm going down as an independent). The weekend AFTER that I'm going to be helping Nicole with the annual christmas toy drive, and shortly after that I'll be back down to Burnaby for Christmas with the fam.

It's a lot of traveling, but I am SO excited for the impending weeks. It's going to be grand. Lately, I've just been working and spending time with the community around me. This weekend we had a Christmas Party for the women of Pathways, and it was a lot of fun. Yesterday I hung around playing videogames with Joel, and last night, Clint, Joel and I did a prayer walk around the downtown - it was freezing, but really great. This weekend is going to be spent babysitting and celebrating Joel's 24th Birthday! ....basically a senior citizen.

But I have to be getting to work, so I'll cut this short.

Grace!