Everything will be alright; If you just stay tonight

I want someone to have a solution.
I want someone to tell me what to do.
To tell me how to fix this.
To tell me how to make it all go away.
I want someone to walk up to me tomorrow and say "here, drink this glass of water and you
wont miss your mom, and your dad will love you and you wont be scared anymore."
I don't want to be scared anymore.

It's that time of year; Leave all your hopelessness' aside

I'm not sure why I defend him to everyone.
The same excuses he throws at me that I brush off
are the ones I spew to everyone else.
I feel so selfish or overdramatic to admit how hurt I am most of the time.
I can cry about my moms death (finally) but I can't tell my dad, or anyone else,
how much he's really hurt me.
Everyone knows he screwed up, and everyone knows I'm always mad at him.
No one knows how sad I am.
How unwanted I feel that he doesn't even remember my birthday,
or important dates, or promises he's made to me.
He can't even find the time to come to ONE of my jobie meetings.
He went on at my installation about how proud he is of me.
What a fraud.
He hasn't seen a single one of my meetings in 3 years.
He doesn't know which classes I have, what I want to do after school,
or that I'm scared to death to do my testimony in front of groups of total strangers.
More than that, in front of people I know. My best friends. There are things not even they know. And the entire thing would be news to him.
He tells me he loves me or that he's proud of me, but he knows nothing about me.
He doesn't even take the time to be interested in my life.
I feel so unwanted.
Like there's something wrong with me... like I'm doing something horrible to make him
so unable to pay attention to me.
I have all these dumb problems that I can talk to everyone about.
Problems with friends and school... but the way I deal with those is because of him.
It's like I need extra attention or love because he makes me feel so rejected.
I know Shawn tells me a lot that even if my real dad isn't around, I always
have my heavenly father. And I know that. I have no doubt.
I still need my EARTHLY dad around.I wish I didn't have to rely on him, but
I do. I'm pretty much stuck with him until I'm 18... and I don't want to leave as soon as I'm able. I don't want it to end like this. He's the only family I have. I don't stay in touch much with
my family on the mainland and my brother abandoned me and started a new life halfway across the country as fast as he could.
My dad, ironically, is all I have.
They always say your parents love you no matter what.
But mine will never care about me, no matter what I do.

If you're not trembling you better be

My WEEK(S)

Wednesday 7th - Curling with PE;
Bible Study

Friday 9th - Manhunt @ youthgroup

Saturday 10th - Junior Youth Council;
Camp staff interviews (eep);
Spaghetti Dinner w/ Jobies

Sunday 11th - Church (duh)
First Dangerous [Teen Devotional] {eep x2)
Rachel and Molly's (Un)Birthday (we made it up a couple years ago
to see if people noticed if we got up during birthday announcements at Jobies
...seven months before our actual birthday.

Sunday 18th-21st - RAW in Vancouver (ROAAAADTRIP)

Wednesday 21st-25th - Grand Sessions in Prince George (12 Hour Roadtrip... in a party bus!
Yeeeaaaah Kaitie, Emily, Kourtney, Mina and Nikki

So... pretty excited.

LOVE (In the eternal words of Michelle Latour "YUCK"!)

I know what I want...

I want the Romeo and Juliet, Cory and Tapanga, Eric and Donna, Zack and Kelly, Buffy and Angel, Dawson and Joey, Ryan and Marissa, Clark and Lana kind of love.

The made for TV kind.
The kind you know has to last forever.
Because it's TV.
(Unless you happen to: be a vampire + 1 soul who can never be with the only one you'll ever love; have died in a car fire; have moved suddenly to Africa; be Superman and be too pig headed to tell the girl you love your secret and be forced to marry some gross busybody reporter; or be part of some horrible plot twist [ie. Joey ending up with Pacey, srsly, WTF mate?])

The point is..
they were all destined to be together.
There was never any doubt.
I want that.
I don't want happily ever after
I just want forever.

Still learning thing I oughta know now.

Weekend was ah-maze-eng.
Went to Shawns and had a rad meeting.
I cried at a point, and Emma came and sat with me and kept giving me stuffed animals to make me feel better.
Sweetest little girl ever.
Shawn's like "I think she likes you"
Then Caitlyn, Daryl and I went to Caitlyns and started the Buffy extravaganza.
It was rad.
He eventually went home and Caitlyn and I ended up getting through about 30 or so hours... (we watched some ones we'd already seen... just to see Buffy and Angel "SOOO IN LOVE" )
It's become a total obsession.
It's not even right.
I went to school today and felt totally paranoid the whole time.
It's taken over my life.
I think I need a break.
...but watching the "Angel" spinoff doesn't count.

..especially the episodes when Buffy makes an appearance and they're SOOO IN LOVE

eh.

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
that's my newest poem
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
I like it. Although it makes me feel funny.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
what kind of funny
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Like, sad almost.
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Sad in an uncomfortable way.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
then my current emotions were expressed more than I thought
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
It makes me feel that way too
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
but I already feel like that
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Will you explain what's going on?
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
life just isn't so great right now, babe


-So your legs tremble.
You’ve found a conductor
A leaning post that wont talk back.
A electric jolt that surges through you
tingles to your toes
but doesn’t stop there.

-And so your lungs burn.
With every unsaid word
and every raw, uncut prayer.
So very coarse and unprocessed are the murmurs
so oafish and perfect
in all their simplicity; in all their mayhem

-And so your companions scatter.
Followers gather
and devotions brace.
And you’re searching for a stronghold
you’re seething from the inside
from the inside outward into the fire of a false soul.

-Yeah, so you’re scared.
Your everything burns with expectation and doubt
for what is and isn’t and will never be.
Well it’s more than all of that, sweetheart.
Stop running away and start charging head on
and don’t stop there.

-Okay, so you’re doubting yourself.
All you’re really doing is doubting him
and denying everything you’ve been taught.
Who is it really hurting
you could just jump out or quit
or quit monopolizing the simple stuff.

So here’s the thing.
You’re not fooling anyone-
yeah, it’s horrendously terrifying.
Yet you know it’s so painfully wonderful
wonderful and grueling
and yet isn’t that the point
nothing easy is ever worth it.

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
mention this conversation to her and I'll break every one of your bones.
She'll use her SCARY glares towards me.
/exaggerated shudder.
I don't have the crap-tolerance to deal with that
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
...I'm not happy
√L3NN says:
I bet you couldn't break those little bones in my ear
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
I'm pretty sure that once all the other ones are gone, you wont be worrying about your ears babydoll

Righteous and Wicket

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
I have RAW on spring break
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
raw?
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
rats and walrus;
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
walrus'
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
riots are weird
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
rain and water
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
its Ready And Willing.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
hehehe
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
righteous and whicket...


Man oh Man.
I just miss Sarah Boisselle

there there baby it's just textbook stuff; it's in the ABC of growing up.

Why oh WHY is it snowing in March?
This isn't even remotely right.
In any way shape or form.
And it's just supposed to snow more tonight and all day tomorrow.
I just emailed Mrs.Bourke about the jobie meeting tonight.
I'm so stressed out right now.
Stuff with my friends, with jobies.
The only thing that isn't stressing me out is youth group, dangerous, or church.
It's the thing that keeps me sane.
I wouldn't be able to handle all the rest of my problems without it.
And yet it's the thing causing so many problems with Rachel.
I know I spend more time there than with Job's Daughters.
I will always love Jobies, but youth group is just as important to me.
We're allowed to get expanded interests. Why is that a problem?
I'm not ignoring jobies for youth group.
I go to all the jobie events AND all the youth group ones.
They don't get in the way.
As for the God thing, I never asked her to love that I was a christian, just accept it.
I know that I wasn't like this when we were younger, but she wasn't like she is now either.
I'm sorry I've changed, but I like who I've become, I'm proud of myself.
For the first time in sooo long, I like what I am doing with my life, where I am headed.
Rachel has been my best friend for 7 years and that means a lot.
We're different people now, and maybe right now we just don;t mesh well together.
And if it gets to the point where I'm choosing over her and my beliefs, then she's not going to win.
I'll always love her. More than anyone else. She's been there through everything...
but maybe that's not enough. Maybe we're too different now.

In other news...
Next Saturday is Junior Youth Councils.
The people are coming to do live interviews of the teens applying to work at camp.
Eek.
17 days until RAW.
That's a little over two weeks.
Sooo stoked.
Grand sessions for Jobies in 22 days.
Then I get home and it's schooool again.
Grossy.
April is prom though,
and May is History Maker.
June school ends.
Then Summer Vaca!
<33
Can't wait for the next few months!

lovelovelove Chickas and Papa Citos!

Mala

Just close your eyes but keep your mind wide open - Leslie Burke

Saw Bridge to Terabithia tonight with Caitlyn, Morin, and Daryl.
We cried.
Everyone.
Even Morin and Daryl.
Daryl will deny it.
But it's true.

Caitlyn and I also planned our Buffy marathon weekend.
Every five hours (22 hours of episodes) we have to get up and go for a walk.
And other people (ie Dorothy) can come and go during the marathon
but we must be there throughout the entire thing.
Friday we have a meeting at Shawn's house at 7, but Caitlyn said she'll just bring her laptop
so that wont get in our way.

Yeah... we're pathetic.
Awesomely pathetic.





Dear Mommy,

We started out so brand new
But now it seems that nothing can change your mind
I have seen your city lights
But have you seen my country skies

Watch the world go twirling by

And perhaps it's common fears
Or uncommon hearts
That makes us insincere
And torn apart

But when will I learn
Love is just my fantasy disguised
An angel without wings can hardly fly
And love without a dream it will not survive

But now I can see
I am lucky just to have a heart
Discovery will knock you on your knees
And lonely tears can only hope to freeze
Yeah, they'll freeze and fall on down

And so our sun is sinking low
And your spirit's close behind
But there's something you should know now
That you're on my mind

But where are you now
When will you share your winter nights?

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has punishment. John 4:18

My Upcoming Week

Monday - Shopping for Jobie favours (when I'm not practicing my 8 pages of memory work for
the Tribute Meeting!)

Tuesday - Skating with PE (!!!)
- Volunteer Appreciation Dinner @ Church

Wednesday - Bible Study @ Church

Thursday - Jobies - 3rd meeting and Ethel T Wead Mick Tribute Ceremony

Friday - Dangerous meeting at Shawn's - 7pm (If i don't do this, I WILL forget)

Weekend - Buffy Marathon @ Caitlyn's (not even kidding.)

So I'm not sure quite how I feel right about now.
Full circle was amazing tonight and I'm somewhat looking forward to the next week.
I mean, I have no reason not to... but there's a bunch of stuff pushing me down that I can't quite pinpoint. My life seems to be making sense. I know who I want to be, and where I'm going in life.
At this moment I just wish I knew who I was. I'm usually fairly sure. I know it's been hard lately. With Rachel wanting me to be like I used to, with others wishing I wasn't even here. And me.
I don't know what I've been doing to myself.
It scared me today at full circle when the thought passed through my head
"It'd feel really good right now to just leave all this behind and give in"
It was like an craving to deny God. It scared me so much.
I snapped out of it but I'm not sure what to do about it.
Definitely read my bible.
I didn't even tell Caitlyn, which is usually the first thing I do when stuff like this happens.
But I know she'd just tell me to read my bible anyway, which, duh, I could've figured that one
out on my own.
It's cool that Sherdan's back. I missed that kid a lot.
Things from a few months ago keep popping up.
Like him, and dreams about old friends... and I'm not sure quite what's going on.
It's like I'm aching to move backwards.
But I don't WANT to.
Something does.
But it is definitely not me.
Man I am so scared right now.

Things I Love

This is going to be my official list of things I just love.
Reason to be absolutely grateful for every single thing I have.
So whenever I feel horrible I can pull up this list and remember
why my life is totally worth i.

I'm going to start it off this way

Good Golly [Miss Molly] Drew A Line In The Sand; Jumped Across And Held Your Hand says:
how are we getting to church tomorrow
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
God
Good Golly [Miss Molly] Drew A Line In The Sand; Jumped Across And Held Your Hand says:
He's gonna drive us in his AlmightyMobile?
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I hope so


Because, let's face it, I just love dumb conversations with Caitlyn Spence

■ God and how he's this totally rad force that is with me no matter what. I can totally hate him at times and blame him for everything wrong in my life and he still just loves me like crazy.
Nothing could top that.
■ How people just call Daryl "Darl" all the time now.
■ How Carlye sings on webcam... a lot.
■ Watching 4 hours of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Caitlyn.
■ How my friends love me so much that if I'm not online for, like, 2 hours, they call to make sure everything's okay.
■ How Michelle totally hates anyone who doesn't love me. No questions asked.
■ My youth group. 'Nuff said.
■ How much Shawn cares. Not just for me, but for every single freaking person he knows. It's pretty much amazing.
■ My hair. I am grateful for my hair. And for Caitlyn. My hair created by Caitlyn.
■ Conversations about nothing with Michelle, Caitlyn and Carlye.
■ Conversations about the bible + tongues with Morin.
■ How Chris has been through so much and he still has so much love left to spread around.
He's a one of a kind superstar.
■ That a person like Mrs.Van is alive. NO KIDDING

More later
I need sleep now.
Ick.
Full school week all over again tomorrow

Man oh man, I just love Caitlyn Spence

Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
what haaappenedd?
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
buhhhhh?
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
well
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
its 12
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I came to your house this morning
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
SERIOUSLY??
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I knocked and honked!
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
sorry :(
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
it's okay!
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
want to come over and watch Buffy?

Prayer for a new beginning

Lord, I pray for Chris.
Let him find what he is looking for.
Let his father see what he is doing to his only son.
Chris has been through so much in his life. He spent his entire childhood in hospitals,
and now he has a real chance at life. Don't let his dad be blinded by his lack of understanding so he cannot give that to him. And please give Chris strength. I know that he has a n amazing amount of it for a 17 year old boy, but he still needs as much as he can get his hands on.
Let him know that he's not alone and that I'm thinking of him. I may get caught up in things and forget about him, but make sure he always knows he is in my prayers.
God, I miss him so much and I'm scared for him. He had to grow up so fast. He never got to be a kid, and now he has everything going for him. He has a girl that loves him more than anything, and he's back at school and has all his friends; all my old ones, looking out for him. Please look out for him too. Now that he's taking the leap to leave his dad's house, to move past at the skeletons in his closet, just let it all work out. Please God, let it be your will that he is kept safe and secure and finally live a life free of all his burdens.

Talk about a writer's block

Emily and I have been struggling writing this play for weeks.
And I think it's finally getting to her.
ARRRRGGGGG

Name says:
whats that thing..the represenatives..are they the ones who have to attend those meetings?
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
yupp
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
the looooong boooooring meetings
Name says:
okay the mom should be like "oh noes i have that meeting today but i cant go because im stuck in my indifferent daughter's body!"
Name says:
what a predicament!
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
srsly Em,
what mother talks like that?

Eeeeek

Shae is coming to visit me at the end of March
<333333333

I miss Shae Skands

Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
i havent seen you since laaast laaast summer, have I?
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
when your head was mangled up
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
i dont remember my head being mangled up
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
when you fell
and you couldnt leave the house
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
so Rachel and I came over
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
ooohhh yeah haha
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
and watched crappy movies with you
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
when i had my concusion
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
Sin City
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
haha
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
and Jenine said blond things and we laughed at her
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
that was a while ago
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
Jenine always does
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
Thats because she's Jenine
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
she always has
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
even when we were, like, 4
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
lol
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
"lets eat rocks"
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> says:
yep.
good times.
you thought you were a boy
and Jenine ate rocks while I stole Chelsea's barbies
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
lol
The world is too fragile for people to be untrue. There's too much at stake, and life is too short for lies. says:
those were some good times

Wow.
Just found my old blog.
haha
Blast from the past...
as in... september and earlier.
All the way to grade10.
Like, the week after my mom died.
freeeaky.

http://www.livejournal.com/users/halasara

Words Words Words

I've been thinking lately of how quickly I gave up my dreams of becoming a writer.
It's like it was what was always expected of me, and I didn't want to be the same old predictable boring Molly. On the other hand, sometimes I wonder if I held onto it as long as I did simply because I thought it was what "mom would want".
I love to write. That will never change.
I love words and how I can manipulate them to speak the words I could never say out loud.
I just wish I knew what I wanted to do with life. I want to have a real purpose.
I know I'll always have a purpose as a Christian, but I want to be seen as meaningful and appreciated outside that sect.
In bible study today I pretty much had a breakdown. Everything about my mom and myself just came out in a floodgate release that would make fish tremble.
I'm so blessed with those people there. Shawn mentioned that we become who we surround ourselves with, and I thought how lucky I am to be surrounded by those people.
Carlye held my hand through all of it and told me how she loved me. And Caitlyn was able to plead for me, the way I haven't been able to.
Deanna came to me afterwards and told me she could feel what I felt when I talked about my mom. Now I'm not so scared to present my testimony because I know that some of the stuff I mention in it can really reach people. It was a horribly fark part of my life, but I'm willing to dig it all up if I'm able to get through to people.
Then it's completely with it.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm pretty much just stoked now.

Wow. I'm talking like Caitlyn Spence.
I need some more friends with a wider vocabulary.

Sooo tired.
No school tomorrow.
<3I love life.
It's totally official.

Adios my loyal chickas and papa citos

Molly<33

Rachel; Rachie-pants-s; RaeRae; Satchel; Rolly; Machel

So I spent an hour or so today talking to Rachel in Sharkies about all these crazy things we did at our first sleepover. We laughed so hard we were crying. The time when we made potato people when we were 12 and then made them into hashbrowns.
"ESMERELDA!" and Bananagirl. It was pretty much the greatest thing ever. I never fully appreciate how much we've been through until
after these crazy conversations.
Today I also went over my testimony with Shawn and he'd stop me while I was reading and ask me questions until he got the core scary stuff.
At the bits about Rachel he stopped me and asked me WHY she was such a big part at that time in my life.
And it was like "because she's Rachel. She was my everything.I never felt whole without her." and then I realized how much she really DID help me when I needed her during the stuff with my mom. She cried when I told her my dad had run off again. I cried when she told me Roo had died. My emails from family always include "send Rachel our love" and I call her Grandma... Grandma. We've gotten lost in Metrotown. We've gotten lost a block away from my Oma's house. But at least we're always together for it all.
She has always been my first call. The one I call when something bad or good happens. The first person I wanted to see when Ben kissed me, the first person I needed to see when he dumped me.
And even though we've had a lot of fights and we drive eachother crazy half the time, we can still sit in a cafeteria crying about the time we almost blew up my oven and watched that retarded llama cartoon forever.
Alone it was lame, but together everything was amazing.

I love that girl so completely and I'd be dead without her.

...and my stories wouldn't be half as funny without her being a part of them