<33333333

"It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps...and...and I loved you."
"Why?"
"'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe...to warm it with my own."
"That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross."
"I was just thinking that, too."

...

Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
Derek and I decided our grad class is boring.
So were going to do something to make this year epic
and soap opera-ish
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
what should we do
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
nothing like that bomb threat or posion gas at kss
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
something safe
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
that wont get us in trouble
.:Chris:. -||- .We Pick Our Battles Long Before We Fight Them. -||- said:
come back from the dead 8 times, get married and then reveal that you're actually 4th generation cousins that have been 3 times removed.
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
...uh

BESTFRIIIEEEENDSSS (Suppose I said you're my saving grace)

Michellie Latour, it all started with a stupid STUPID hunting game at cyber city. Stupid Daryl and Ben... and I'm very sorry for stopping the hunting intervention and giving Ben more quarters... you KNOW I couldn't say no to him. LAWL.
You're here for me 100% and I hope I am just as huge as a support to you.
I will never forget everything you've done for me. You are an amazing person and don't let anyone let you think otherwise. Oh Michellie, I love everything about you. How much fun we have just being grumpy and angry and making fun of dumb girlfriends. "Happy Birthday,I bought you France". Michelle, you always listen to my complaining and I love you for it. You're the loveliest girl ever, and Carlye, Katelyn and I make fun of your little quirks because we love you. ('let's be honest' 'sketchy' 'mhm!' 'no bigs' 'YUCK')


Rachel
I'll always love you.
No matter what happened/is happening/ has yet to happen I will never forget how much we've been through and how much you've been there for me. No matter what, no questions asked. 100%. and I love you more than anyone. Ever.
It hasn't been a smooth ride, but I don't regret switching to ND at all... it changed my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. IMY babes.


Carlye you're amazing. And you will never let any of us forget it, either.
You tell me the things I can't admit to myself and even though you're brutally honest 24/7, you're also there for me when I need you. I honestly have no clue where I'd be if I hadn't met you, because without you there'd be no church, youth group, Shawn, and about 3/4 of my friends. Thanks for not thinking I was a total creep in socials 11 and actually becoming friends with me... and Rachel and Camille.
ILY


Camille, my dear, I owe you my life. You were my first NDSS friend (beside RaeRae)and it was the fastest I ever made a friend. You've always been there for me to tell me the things I don't want to hear and I love you for that.
So you can be a total bitch, but we love you just as you are and I wouldn't have it any other way.


Taryn. So basically we rock the rodeo grounds. And the lame nanaimo malls. I love you so much. We went from best friends in grade 6, to phone friends in grade 7, to pretty much not talking too much until this summer. Then: BOOM! BFFLZ all over again. Most amazing summer ever!
And your visit at christmas was stellar... and very very boring.
You're a province away but you're still one of my very best friends. I tell you everything and I really do rely on my talks with you afterschool each day about boys and friends and how lame it is that you're so far away. Only 5 months until you're here for good. I miss you lovie! You'll always mean so much to me.

Caitlyn Spence, you do say words weird. We all love you regardless. Okay, so you know I used to be absolutely terrified of you. "What if I say something stupid to CAITLYN SPENCE" "I can't believe I just looked like such a loser in front of CAITLYN SPENCE." Now I still respect and admire you a whole bunch... but being in your presence doesn't make me faint.
I honestly never thought we'd be friends... probably because when I slept over at Carlye's house and you were there you were really mean. But hey, now we're having sleepovers all over the place... and I get to see you cry through an entire movie. Although I must say that I have enough trouble getting to sleep on time without you making me watch silent movies from 1919 until 3am. You're so easy to talk to and I'm pretty sure I would have gone crazy without your pep talks. You're pretty much amazing aaaand I love you. NOW HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM YET? (jaaaaykaaay)


Oh Jessy... You are the coolest little chickadee. I am so proud of you and you have to know that I'll always be here for ya. You're my accountability partner, but it goes a lot further than phonecalls about scripture... I'll always be here for you whenever you need me. You're an amazing person and you shine so brightly. I am so glad I met you and I'll always remember those great times in math and English... but mostly math. I'll always be your 'Ma-Holla-Back-Girl'




Mr Ben Bergen.
All I can say is, if it weren't for your issue of talking to me through EVERY movie, I would've had a MUCH better mark in English last year. I might forgive you one day. I find it unnaturally easy to talk to you, which is new for me. Most of the time you drive me crazy, and yeah, okay the dating thing didn't work out but I still care about you a whole bunch and pretty much always
will... probably because you drive me crazy, but then are still super sweet, so I can't stay
mad or something. Jerk.
I really do miss having my spare with you... mainly because you can make me laugh... whether I want to or not.Your tie isn't gay (I got yelled at by Rachel for that) kangaroos break the big hands big feet rule and carpets CANNOT vacuum themselves. Thanks for always being there, and I vow
to hang out with you more this summer than last summer. Although last summer you were gone for 2 months and we were smitten and ridiculous so it doesn't count.
heart and such dude.
(And as long as you keep sitting with us girlies (+ Derek... doesn't count as a boy) at lunch, we will continue to eat your food. It's just how it works.)


Mary Marie! I love you! I love you to the ends of the earth. Clearly you and your sister are my favourite twins. I love chilling in your room and talking about boys and school and life. But mostly boys. You're gorgeous and your hair will make you famous one day. Thank you for being there no matter what. You're one of the coolest chickas I know. I'll always look back on bible study days and smile at how we've taken a part in adding one more grey hair to poor Dave Perry's head.



Bledsoe,
let's face it, we were mortal enemies last year.
I haaaated so many things about you.
And now look at us! Sleepovers, parties at the OFFICIAL Alexander Party House.
We make fun of eachother relentlessly, but you're an amazingly supportive friend when
it comes down to it. Trust me, I would have never thought I'd ever be going to you for advice,
or crying on your shoulder, but you're pretty much my biggest support right now.
Basically, I love you Katelyn.
Outdoor Sex Ed Y'all!


Ooooh Tiffany,
what would I do without you?
While I'm writing this you're on a plane to Greece. I do not dig that.
I love you so much babes, but do you really have to jet off and leave me all on
my lonesome on the winner bus? We totally MAKE the party on l'autobus baby.
Jareth is a total douchebag and racism sucks. Haha. Can't live without you and
we have to stay in touch after highschool. I'm pretty confident we won't be BFFLZ
after grad, but let's be honest, the 10 year reunion will be a blast!


Allyson Dawe how could I have ever disliked you? I've known you almost as long as I've known Rachel (possibly because you live across the street?) can you believe it? I love sitting in Rachel's livingroom and making prank calls to your little sister across the street until she cried... and called you for help. I know that we've had our issues, but I just love you now. Bio was a blast... especially 'helping' eachother on the tests.
I'm going to miss you so much when you move! But you have to stay nanaimo-shaped for at least the summer so we can go swimming at Westwood Lake once more and steal Emily and Kaitlin's water toys... Again. I hope you have more success in Parksville than I did. And I love you til the end of time.
I heart you forever Al


Kaitie you little freak. I've pretty much known you for about 7 years. You've always been annoying, but I've always loved you, deep down.
Everyone thought you'd never grow up, but I had faith. You're a wonderful kid and I just love you. Where's Waldo and Charlie the Unicorn are the defining moments of our friendship. Can't wait til our little roadtrip and you're my bus buddy... because I wouldn't have it any other way. You had better be in my hotel room because I love you.



Deb-a-mite, D-to the Lyn- EXTREME, Debralyn, whatever. I love you so much girlie. You;re such a creep and I'm so happy Rachel and I decided not to hate you, because then we wouldn't have had amazing fashion show, bowling party, spoonzah, hotel room extravaganzas. I hate you because you're not coming on the fantabulous road trip this year, but then again, I blew it off for California once, so I guess Japan can win out once. You're gorgeous and I hope everyone just keeps thinking we're twins.

WE'RE SO IN LOVE

Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
carlye loves...
molly
Carlye new cell phone on friday! says:
i love you most of the time
Carlye new cell phone on friday! says:
lol
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
thats good enough for me
Carlye new cell phone on friday! says:
you know sometimes i want to ring your little neck (a)
Carlye new cell phone on friday! says:
(L)(L)(L)
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
its okay
its mutual (L)(L)
i just bottle it up
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
and because im smart enough to know that you'd hit me
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
and i have soft skin, and bruise easily
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
so i reason myself out of it

No time for a real post

Life is pretty crazy.
Leaving in 4 days for RAW
Then party bus-ing it up to P.G with Kaitie, Emily, Dori, Kourtney etc.
12 hrs... but still pretty stoked.

On the not so rad side of things, I keep getting chronic migranes.
Lamexcor3.

And even if it all falls through, I'm here and I hear you

Okay Mom,
I swear.. this is my last letter to you.
What a lie.
I swore to myself I'd stop writing to you.
It was supposed to be "grief therapy"
Well, when will the grief end?
Yeah... my mom died, trust me... the severity is not lost on me,
but the fact that it has to take over my life.. how is that fair.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my seventeen years, Mom...
but I have forgiveness, right? So why do I have this torment following
me around. I'm not laying a guilt trip on you or anything... I know this
was never your plan... I know you loved me. People tell me all the time.
"Your mother loved you so much" "You were your moms entire world"
"All your mom ever wanted for you was everything she never had"
It's the most ironic statement to say to a kid who's mother has just
kicked the bucket. I know you did mom, but do they truly
believe that these are my most gleeful moments?
I'm not trivializing it Mom, I'm just attempting to simplify.
I'm not complaining that I have a horrible burdened life because of
your death, because I don't. I love my life... I love it more than I ever have.
What I hate is whenever I'm at my happiest, it's never anyone else's happiest.
When I was happy back "in the day", that's all it was.
Pure simple happiness.
Now it's happy... and still kind of bummed out.
Or when I'm sad, you're not there to fix it.
I know teenage girls rarely go to their moms for advice,
even if they probably should... but I don't even HAVE the option.
This is getting sort of bratty, which was never my intention.
When did this happen mom? I tell everyone I'm SO over it
and SO okay. But I'm not, I never was. It still feels like one
big dream. Like I could wake up tomorrow and be living back on
Alsbrook Road in our 19th century house, with a dog and 3 cats and my
room across from my brothers. And you would have never gotten sick.
I would be 14 again, you would be in the garden, dad would be at work.
I would have no memory of NDSS or the Salvation Army, I would be best
friends with Alexis or Sami or Veronica (How weird is that?) and best
friends with Rachel, the girl who goes to school 2 cities away but
is still the most amazing friend I could ever have.
I'd have long blond hair and cute clothes and my perfect
naive princess life.
The truly ironic thing is, I don't want any of that.
I want to be a 17 year old who lives in a pathetic townhouse in Nanaimo
who is about to MAYBE graduate from NDSS. Who is worried
about friends and ex boyfriends and prom and psychology projects.
I want to be a girl who is normal, down to earth, VERY lacking in the naive
princess qualities and who has a mom.
But I can't have my cake and eat it too, can I mom?
Nope. Not me. Not anyone.
Which is why this is not a complaining letter.
Nothing comes from complaining.
Because in the end, I know that this isn't a dream and you aren't coming
back and I still have to deal with all of this on my own.
And I'm okay with that.
For now.
But get back to me tomorrow.
My entire opinion could have changed by then.
I'm a 17 year old girl.
It's what I do.

Hmm.
So it appears I've turned into Jessy.
I'm freaking uot about that interview
"did they like me?""did I say the right things?"
They gave me a ride home, so they got to
know me better, but I'm still iffy.
I mean, I haven't taken LIT or LIT2
but neither has Jessy, Tyler, Caitlyn, Mary or Carlye.
At least Carlye had XLR:8, which means she's basically a shoe-in
like Michelle and Mike were last year.
50 people applied from all over, and only 30 positions are available.
We hear back at the end of march.
Even if I don't get it, I'm going to volunteer.
I'm just worried how it would break Jessy's heart if she doesn't get in.
I'm sure she will though.
Def.


My dad's been away all weekend,
and I've decided I'm not going to let him do it again.
It's been such a hassle getting around this weekend.
I've gotten rides with Caitlyn or Shawn,
but I'm rideless to church today and I would've been stranded
in Harewood last night if it weren't for the Pikes.

I wanted to go to the spaghetti dinner so badly yesterday
but kids didn't start leaving till 4, and interviews didn't end until 6,
we left around 6:30 and by then it was pointless... aaand I was wearing
2 torn t-shirts, muddy jeans and soggy runners.
Yumm.

Despite it all, yesterday was amazing.
I mean, we've been waiting in anticipation for this day for
weeks. It was sooo great. I'm a total JYC n00b, but even I
know it went sooo well.
The kids were amazing, and it was so much fun having Mel, Jessi and Sam in
my group. Those kids are so awesome. All of them were,
and then there was that scary bit with the one kid.
I have never been so scared in my life. I'm so proud of how Taylor handled it.
She just came up to me and told me what was going on and we took him right to Shawn.
I cannot conceive how a little boy could want to end his life, but apparently we handled it well.
Plus, we pwned at all the games.
Can't wait til next year.
Church tiiiime<3

Best thing my youth pastor has ever said on camera

Hey Chris, how's your package?

I never wanted us to end up like this

Things I Have Learned This Weekend:

-Leading 80 kids between 4 and 12 for 7 hours (singing, screaming, jumping) on only 4 hrs sleep is difficult, but not impossible.

- Little kids from Campbell river are truly adorable

- blue paint does wash out of hair, but not clothes

- brown paint somewhat stains the skin

- there is such thing as too much pizza intake

- never give an already hyper 9 year old a can of coke (ie. Melissa Perry)

- there is nothing I love more than just sitting in a quiet corner with a 6 year old who is scared of
blow up whales

- today was perfect. This is how I want to spend my life.

Our lips were cold as clay, we couldn't speak anyway

I feel so crappy.
Like there's a knife of despair in my gut.

Wow.
That was really... uh, emolicious?

Anyway,
today pretty much sucked.
Except PE... that was fairly rad.
We had to dance.. horrible dances.
Afterwards Sarah's like
"They took my groove! My groove is gone! It aint NEVER comin back!"

But the rest of the day sucked.
Hopefully I'll have a good weekend.
I'm determined.
Maybe I'll be too busy to even think about being depressed.
Yeah. That'll work.

dumb dumb dumb

When I lost faith
You believed in me
When I stumbled
You were right there
For every act of love you've done
I owe you one

You know... I really hate Joey from dawson's creek.
Seriously. That guy loved her so completely and
yet she always just screwed around. He'd give her amazing
ultimatums and she never appreciated it. He told her to leave
and be with Pacey, who is a total asshole, because he knew
it would make her happier at the time... she's a fickle jerk.
Then she goes off and ends up with Pacey AGAIN during the season finale.
6 seasons of being totally in love with her, even when he's living a completely different life and she STILL just walks away.
That JERK.
She KNOWS the rules of TV romance. The two highschool sweethearts have to end up together. Tapanga knew it. Did she let us down during the last episode? Oh no she did not. And Kelly Kapowski knew it.
And all the couples from Beverly Hills 90210.
Who does Katie Holmes think she is?
I am going to write her a VERY dissatisfied email.

...that is all.

When will you say 'it's not so easy for me'

I miss my brother soooo much.
I miss talking to him and making fun of him
or visa versa.
I just want my brother back.

!*Zombie Jesus*!:	we only started going to church because I wanted to
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i thought you hated church
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	it was when i was 6 i didn't know anything i just wanted to go to church

Mahala-Sarah// T:	and i remember mom prayed with me
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	mom was religious.
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i know
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	It was your choice to accept God back into your life... But don't forget that it wasn't for dad you probably wouldn't have ever been doing or believing what you are now
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i know that
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	you may have a lot of anger towards him but he introduced you to an amazing family with the jobies
Mahala-Sarah// T:	TECHNICALLY that was aunty jean
Mahala-Sarah// T:	but i know that
Mahala-Sarah// T:	and dad brought me to nanaimo too
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	well technically it wouldn't have happened without the masons
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	mom, dad, you and I may all find our spirituality in different ways and at different times, but we will always be together even if we arent physically together

People I just love more than life

You guys means the absolute world to me, even if I don't always show it.

Rachel Nicole Ireland
Camille Jewel Lorenz
Carlye Marie Morris
Jessica Carmen Alexander
Mary Marie Alexander
Caitlyn Theresa Spence
Christopher Michael Bridge
Michelle Latour
Taryn Scammell
Deanna Pulak
Benjamin Christopher Bergen
Katelyn Taylor Bledsoe
Tiffany Bonner
Daryl Knapp
Joshua Reno
Marc Johnathan Morin
Tiana Marie Levac
Keeley Mowatt
Jennifer Chadwick
Michael Anderson
Michelle Stefani
Camilla Arnold
Tiah Gaetz
Deanna Rae Scammell
Paul McIntre
[edit] Sasja Towe

ummm.... yeah
this is getting long.
Finish it laaater

Spiritual Gifts Test

Decided to take it againnnnn

Apostle:	20
Prophecy:	20
Evangelism:	21
Pastor:	23
Teaching:	22
Music:	21
Exhortation:	20
Wisdom:	16
Knowledge:	20
Service:	19
Miracles:	18
Leadership:	19
Administration:	17
Giving:	17
Mercy:	21
Discernment:	21
Faith:	18
Hospitality:	18
Craftsmanship:	13
Intercession:	18
Healing:	17
Missions:	20

Swimming... and drowning?

Life can often seem like swimming in the ocean during high tide.
Even if we know how to swim and jump over the big waves at just the right time,
when we least expect it - wham! We are broadsided, and find ourselves spinning
and bouncing off the bottom of the ocean with a mouth full of sand. If we fight,
it takes longer to get to the surface. But if we float with the current, we come right to the top.
Floating when we are frightened is difficult.
It takes trust and concentration.
I guess dealing with the death of my mom is similar. In order to cope, it takes trust.
The sooner I learn to float - to trust - the easier it is to discover the answers I'm seeking.

Everything will be alright; If you just stay tonight

I want someone to have a solution.
I want someone to tell me what to do.
To tell me how to fix this.
To tell me how to make it all go away.
I want someone to walk up to me tomorrow and say "here, drink this glass of water and you
wont miss your mom, and your dad will love you and you wont be scared anymore."
I don't want to be scared anymore.

It's that time of year; Leave all your hopelessness' aside

I'm not sure why I defend him to everyone.
The same excuses he throws at me that I brush off
are the ones I spew to everyone else.
I feel so selfish or overdramatic to admit how hurt I am most of the time.
I can cry about my moms death (finally) but I can't tell my dad, or anyone else,
how much he's really hurt me.
Everyone knows he screwed up, and everyone knows I'm always mad at him.
No one knows how sad I am.
How unwanted I feel that he doesn't even remember my birthday,
or important dates, or promises he's made to me.
He can't even find the time to come to ONE of my jobie meetings.
He went on at my installation about how proud he is of me.
What a fraud.
He hasn't seen a single one of my meetings in 3 years.
He doesn't know which classes I have, what I want to do after school,
or that I'm scared to death to do my testimony in front of groups of total strangers.
More than that, in front of people I know. My best friends. There are things not even they know. And the entire thing would be news to him.
He tells me he loves me or that he's proud of me, but he knows nothing about me.
He doesn't even take the time to be interested in my life.
I feel so unwanted.
Like there's something wrong with me... like I'm doing something horrible to make him
so unable to pay attention to me.
I have all these dumb problems that I can talk to everyone about.
Problems with friends and school... but the way I deal with those is because of him.
It's like I need extra attention or love because he makes me feel so rejected.
I know Shawn tells me a lot that even if my real dad isn't around, I always
have my heavenly father. And I know that. I have no doubt.
I still need my EARTHLY dad around.I wish I didn't have to rely on him, but
I do. I'm pretty much stuck with him until I'm 18... and I don't want to leave as soon as I'm able. I don't want it to end like this. He's the only family I have. I don't stay in touch much with
my family on the mainland and my brother abandoned me and started a new life halfway across the country as fast as he could.
My dad, ironically, is all I have.
They always say your parents love you no matter what.
But mine will never care about me, no matter what I do.

If you're not trembling you better be

My WEEK(S)

Wednesday 7th - Curling with PE;
Bible Study

Friday 9th - Manhunt @ youthgroup

Saturday 10th - Junior Youth Council;
Camp staff interviews (eep);
Spaghetti Dinner w/ Jobies

Sunday 11th - Church (duh)
First Dangerous [Teen Devotional] {eep x2)
Rachel and Molly's (Un)Birthday (we made it up a couple years ago
to see if people noticed if we got up during birthday announcements at Jobies
...seven months before our actual birthday.

Sunday 18th-21st - RAW in Vancouver (ROAAAADTRIP)

Wednesday 21st-25th - Grand Sessions in Prince George (12 Hour Roadtrip... in a party bus!
Yeeeaaaah Kaitie, Emily, Kourtney, Mina and Nikki

So... pretty excited.

LOVE (In the eternal words of Michelle Latour "YUCK"!)

I know what I want...

I want the Romeo and Juliet, Cory and Tapanga, Eric and Donna, Zack and Kelly, Buffy and Angel, Dawson and Joey, Ryan and Marissa, Clark and Lana kind of love.

The made for TV kind.
The kind you know has to last forever.
Because it's TV.
(Unless you happen to: be a vampire + 1 soul who can never be with the only one you'll ever love; have died in a car fire; have moved suddenly to Africa; be Superman and be too pig headed to tell the girl you love your secret and be forced to marry some gross busybody reporter; or be part of some horrible plot twist [ie. Joey ending up with Pacey, srsly, WTF mate?])

The point is..
they were all destined to be together.
There was never any doubt.
I want that.
I don't want happily ever after
I just want forever.

Still learning thing I oughta know now.

Weekend was ah-maze-eng.
Went to Shawns and had a rad meeting.
I cried at a point, and Emma came and sat with me and kept giving me stuffed animals to make me feel better.
Sweetest little girl ever.
Shawn's like "I think she likes you"
Then Caitlyn, Daryl and I went to Caitlyns and started the Buffy extravaganza.
It was rad.
He eventually went home and Caitlyn and I ended up getting through about 30 or so hours... (we watched some ones we'd already seen... just to see Buffy and Angel "SOOO IN LOVE" )
It's become a total obsession.
It's not even right.
I went to school today and felt totally paranoid the whole time.
It's taken over my life.
I think I need a break.
...but watching the "Angel" spinoff doesn't count.

..especially the episodes when Buffy makes an appearance and they're SOOO IN LOVE