Yes, even stars break

So I've been looking back a lot.
It's something I never really do.
I probably overthink things too much:
things I do and say... I beat myself up about everything all the time.
But I never look back.
Until now.
I've gotten in touch with a lot of old friends in a very short amount of time...
during that some gaps have been created between myself and some of my current friends.
Most of them are my fault and I'm probably the only one who sees them.
But they're there... for me anyway.
Now I find myself wondering what would have happened if I had stayed in Qualicum.
I obviously wouldn't have the love for God that I do now.
And let's be honest, that would suck.
I can't help but wonder what exactly that would mean though.
I find myself thinking about all the people that have made an impact on my life.
Then there's me.
What have I really done?
Who has actually benefited from my involvement in their life?
If I was still in Qualicum I know that things would not be great.
I was talking to Chelsey, who was one of my only good friends I still had when I left.
The rest just seemed to flee when my mom died.
Even she seemed to see that I wasn't having the best time there.
It scares me to think what I could've turned into.
My thoughts are so wound up right now.
I wish life were easy. It never is, I know.
It never has been.
I've been trying to fit all of the things that have happened lately into my testimony...
trying to think of how they've made me a better person.
But I can't think of anything.
Maybe because it isn't over yet.
Maybe it never will be.

Soco Amaretto Lime

I'm gonna stay eighteen forever (cut me open)
So we can stay like this forever (sun poisoned)
And we'll never miss a party (this offer...)
cause we keep them going constantly (...stands forever)
And we'll never have to listen (new haircut)
to anyone about anything (new bracelet)
cause it's all been done and its all been said (eyeliner)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get
(you're just jealous cause we're young and in love)
Eighteen forever (first kisses)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
So we can stay like this forever (new stitches)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
And we'll never miss a party (collar weekend)
(and your tearing up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
cause we keep them going constantly (appearance ticket)
(you're just jealous cause we're young and in love)
And we'll never have to listen (November to...)
(your stomach's filled up but you're starved for conversation)
to anyone about anything cause it's all been done (...remember)
(you're spending all your nights growing old in your bed)
and it's all been said (nightswimmers)
(and your tearing up your photos cause you wanna forget... it's over)
we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get

pickle jars

Mom,
If I still write to you, does that mean I’m still grieving?
Or does it mean that I’ll always be grieving, that I should be…? I don’t mean that I’m still in my mourning stages. I remember after you died I wore black everyday. It wasn’t to show that I was in the mourning process, it was because it expressed my emotions. I felt black.
I realized something then. People didn’t start wearing black out of respect for the dead, the first people started wearing it because they felt like total crap.
I still can’t believe that you’re dead. You are dead. My mom is dead. I have no mother. Seeing it on paper doesn’t make it seem real. I don’t think it will ever seem real.
I think that everyone around me has a little bit of you in them. Carlye, Michelle, Caitlyn… But that makes you seem kind of… inanimate… or that you’re really gone. I don’t like to think that you’re gone, just not with me. That you’re floating around watching me. That you can still see me, feel me, remember me. I hated the doctors talking about you being brain dead. Don’t they know how to talk to a 15 year old? You do not tell her that her mother has lost all her mentality. That makes you… not you. That makes you a vegetable. I know you were. You couldn’t breath or move or talk or even work up the energy to live. But that makes you a statistic, that makes you a waste of space. It makes you just a thing. Not my happy laughing mom. Not my mom with advice and love and… memories. That part of your brain went first, didn’t it? Is that how you stayed? That to this day you are dead AND your brain is mush. I know that brains aren’t important in heaven. No organs are. All that’s important is God. Which just adds to my fear that you don’t even know who I am. Humans find it safe to believe that you die and go to heaven and see all your loved ones. But if nothing matters but God, then it wont matter whether you remember me or not… to you or me. But at this very moment in time I am not in heaven. I am on earth and living and breathing and you’re not and there’s a chance that you don’t even remember I exist. That you’re just having a gay old time up in heaven, and you have no recollection of me or summers at the lake or teaching me to walk or my first word or when I won an award for my essay about Amelia Earhart. You wont remember when I fell off Radar and you cried while I laid unconscious in a hospital bed. Or how I cried while you laid unconscious in yours. I can tell myself over and over again that it won’t matter in the end, because I’ll be partying it up in Heaven… but it DOES matter. It matters right here and right now and will every second of every day until the day that I die. The day I lay unconscious in a hospital bed as my daughter cries and the doctors tell her I’m brain dead.
Maybe we can be brain dead together. We can chill on fluffy clouds holding our ineffective brains in pickle jars.
Why am I writing this? When did I become such a seething pessimist. I’ve been reading my old journal entries. From before you died.

March 24 2004
Mom’s sick again. She was just getting better. Her stomach is enlarged again. I’m scared.
Today in science we were talking about how we’re all nothing. Nothing is what it seems. Just like my conversations with Alexis. What if your red is someone else’s green? If everything, like bodies and stuff, are just shells, cells for the real us, then what’s the difference between being alive and being dead? I was talking to Oma about my whole death thing-- she said Grandma Molly was the same way. She always said “This body, it’s not the real me. I’m inside. The one with feelings and dreams is inside this capsule. What happens when the capsule dies? Where do I go? The real me?”
Alexis isn’t scared of death. Lucky her.

To be honest, I wasn’t scared. I was too self absorbed to be scared. I just liked how it looked on paper. This was back when Lennie and I would trade journals everyday and write responses to each others thoughts. Maybe I just wanted to seem deep and introspective in front of him, so I wouldn’t be traded in for a new best friend. I wasn’t worried. I was worrying about Sami and Veronica both being in love with Lennie and me dealing with their dumb best friend backlash. I was worrying about my mark in PE, because Alexis, Chelsey and I kept goofing off and Bevi totally had it in for us. I was worried about my lines in the school play and being initiated into Sami, Shannon, Veronica and Hollie’s stupid secret society.
But I wasn’t worried about you. I hope you’ve forgiven me for that. Trust me, I worry enough now to make up for it. What would my worrying have done, really? I didn’t have my medical degree. If the doctors couldn’t find out what was wrong with you, how was I expected to?
I wish that if you had to die, if it was God’s will for you to do so, that we would have known. I know it’s supposed to be better if someone dies quickly. But I never got to say goodbye. Ask you questions. I don’t know what I would have asked… probably nothing relevant now. But we still could have talked. Had a last conversation. I don’t remember our last conversation. It was in a hospital and your skin was yellow and you were on a morphine drip.
Jacob remembers his last one with you, even if it was over the phone. I’m sure dad remembers his too. I just remember yelling at you for ruining my life and slamming my door a lot. Why didn’t I appreciate you more, Mom?
Better question… why is this 4 pages of pointlessness?
I’m so sorry. I deal with this dumb guilt everyday. I take it all out on dad because he’s an easy target. The whole unconditional love thing is really amazing. The strange thing is, I’ve never taken it out on God, and he has the best case of everlasting lovin’. It’s like I can never do that to him, but I have no problem beating up on dad all the time. Honour thy father and thy mother. Well, sorry to play the “I’m a bratty teenage girl” card, but he started it.
Why did he have to leave? Why did he run away when I really needed him? You were gone. Jacob was gone.
The rest of the family spent all their time hating dad for pulling the plug. It’s weird, how I always end up defending him in front of them, but I can’t defend him against myself.
I guess what he did to me is personal, but with you, he went with your wishes… “do not resuscitate”. I don’t think I’ll ever make a promise like that with my spouse. I know that at the time that you said it, you thought that you wouldn’t want to kept alive in that state, but none of us REALLY knew what you wanted when it came down to it, did we? People can change their minds about stuff, right? What if you were trying to scream “Wait! I’m feeling better really! I’m not ready to die” and we just couldn’t hear you. It’s not your fault your brain had exploded. Yeah, I know, every science class I’ve ever attended tells me that you can make very little conscious decisions when you’re minus one cerebral cortex, but if it’s true about bodies just being capsules, then anything is possible isn’t it.
This is my letter of bitterness. I have very little chance to say any of this. Who am I supposed to say it to? I mentioned it once to Teresa and Dori… once.
I’ve never told anyone else.
All the thoughts that go through my head about brains in jars and exploding heads. Does it make me crazy?
Mommy, are you proud of me?
Do you look over me with your pickle jar and smile… or shake your head? (do you have a head? Back to the whole heaven with no bodies thing).
People always seem to be worried that when I think of you, I remember swollen, bruised you, with tubes coming out of you and an iron lung making your teeny tiny body jolt off the bed. Well I don’t. I think of the you when I was 3 years old… when you had that fuzzy pink housecoat with the button shaped like a pink rose. In our living room in Youbou sitting on the couch in the mornings in May watching Regis and Kathy Lee. And I’d come downstairs in my nightgown and cuddle with you on the couch and then you’d make me French toast, and we’d walk Maginty, or pick peas from the garden or color together in my Aladdin coloring book until Jacob came home from school. (Like when you taught me to color in circles because a girl in your grade 4 class taught you and she became an amazing artist.)
I’m not saying that I don’t think about those times in hospital. I do… a lot. But that’s not what I think of when I think of you. Maybe that’s one of those good things about the dying quickly thing. My bad hospital memories don’t overpower all the good pink housecoat ones.
But I still wish we could have talked before you died.
I wish I could have told you how much I love you.
I wish I could have said I was sorry.
I wish I could have thanked you for being my mom.
But I guess I also know that it’s still okay.
Because, well, maybe I really AM crazy, but I’m positive I just heard your voice say “I love you too, I forgave you before it happened, and thank you for being my daughter.”

Sweet Dreams Mom.
I will never forget you.
Molly

All I gotta say is I must've done something right

And I know that it's so cliche to tell you that every day I spend with you is the new best day of my life

<3 // We hate your hate. says:
Go sleep babe, I got you covered. Talk to Caitlyn before you peace.
Molly [Seasoning Spice] Raised arms are feeling heavy and your hearts about to break says:
okay
Molly [Seasoning Spice] Raised arms are feeling heavy and your hearts about to break says:
thank you
<3 // We hate your hate. says:
Anytime love.

Caitlyn.. keep us from just singing says:
Grace makes life unfair
Molly [Seasoning Spice] Raised arms are feeling heavy and your hearts about to break says:
okay
Molly [Seasoning Spice] Raised arms are feeling heavy and your hearts about to break says:
Taylor told me to go to sleep
Molly [Seasoning Spice] Raised arms are feeling heavy and your hearts about to break says:
so maybe I should
Molly [Seasoning Spice] Raised arms are feeling heavy and your hearts about to break says:
in case he's watching
Molly [Seasoning Spice] Raised arms are feeling heavy and your hearts about to break says:
...or something
Caitlyn.. keep us from just singing says:
He's a pretty big creep like that

RAW

THIS is how I spent MY spring break



ps. that broccoli was quite gross.
...but that doesn't mean everyone had to pile it onto MY plate.

Hmm

So I've been gone all spring break doing the most amazing things, meeting the most amazing people and learning so much. Then I come here to write it all down... and... nothing.
There's no way to describe it, no way to tell of all the things that happened, all the jokes and the
awesome memories. Nothing I could say would ever do justice.
To every single precious moment at RAW, to Dougie, to mall trips with Kaitie... to Erin telling me she loves me, to berscobi, the 'spice girls' and headless chickens.
Just.. thank you.
Thank you God, thank you Kaitie ("I'm sitting by Emily!" ":O" "I meant Molly, Molly! My best friend Molly!" "I'm your best friend?" "Of course!") thank you Mrs.Allen...
Thank you to every single person I met or got to know this week.
it was rad.
Okay, maybe not the 12 hour bus trips to and from Prince George... but definitely the memories
from that bus... and the fact that we were sad to leave it... that dumb stinky mobile-deathtrap that had become like a home to us.
And thank you Steve... best bus driver EVER.

ps. I will never forget the rant/pouring-out-your-heart sessions with Courtney, Kaitie and Megan. Or that the water at the jobie headtable tastes a lot worse than the civilian table water.

School tomorrow.
Ugh.
<33Night lovrs!

Have you ever had that, "I am so freaking lucky" feeling?
When nothing at all in your life is perfect, and everything could be falling
around you, and you couldn't care less because you know it just does not matter?
You know... since I've moved to Nanaimo I've had that feeling a lot.
It'll probably always be this way.
I will feel so blessed if it is.
Because even though my mom will always be dead, I will always have one friend I do not
get along with, I will probably never have who or what I feel I truly want at any particular
point in time, I'll be happy.
I'll be... blissful.
I'm not sure if that is what I actually need, but I know that it is a great feeling.
I had that feeling when I was walking home from Caitlyn's last night.
My mom was dead, my best friend hated me, but I was so lucky to
have the amount of people loving me that I did.

I'd write more but my ride will be here soon!
eep!

See you in a week<3

Srsly

I love my friends so much.
Last night I had the worst fight with my dad and I was more upset than I've been in awhile.
It was 1:30am and Carlye's like "hey, want to come meet us?"
So I end up walking to meet her and Caitlyn and we had a sleepover.
I remember all my fight with my dad when I was stuck in Parksville and I wouldn't know what
to do.
I know none of my friends think it's a big deal, but it really is.
I will never forget how amazing they are.
I love everyone so much right nowwww.

ps. THE HUCKSABLES? BUT HIS LAST NAME IS COOOOOSBY

I love my carlyetits so much.

You wish you were as rad as Marc Morin

[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
I need a riiiide
Morin says:
again
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
my caitlyn-ride went to carlye's
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
wanna fight punk??
Morin says:
ok
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
i could take you
Morin says:
lol
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
im built, clearly
Morin says:
built ford tough?
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
YESSSS
Morin says:
lol
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
Id ask shawn for a ride
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
but im scared to call him
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
its one of my top 5 fears
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
"talk to shawn on the phone"
Morin says:
lololol
Morin says:
call danae
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
shes sick
Morin says:
she would be
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
no...
she is... be
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
wanna use your ride getting capabilities to get me a ride
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
wanna wanna wanna?
Morin says:
maybe the perrys will give you a ride
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
I have a phone
but Im scared to call people past.. like... 5
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
i'll just wait for daryl to pop up
Morin says:
lol
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
and ask him to ask
Morin says:
dave will pick you up just before 9
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
HOW DO YOU DO THAAAAT
Morin says:
cuz i am the man
[Molly] Close Your Eyes (PACKING) says:
clearly
Morin says:
everyone is always trying to stick it to me

I'll pay someone a large sum to kidnap my brother and bring him home

[Molly] Close Your Eyes says:
...you swing dance?
!*Zombie Jesus*! says:
well i need a partner
[Molly] Close Your Eyes says:
i wanna see you swing dance
its so fun
but it doesnt seem like your type of dance
!*Zombie Jesus*! says:
i listen to rock and roll... Rockabilly
[Molly] Close Your Eyes says:
yea
[Molly] Close Your Eyes says:
but I've seen you dance exactly 3 times in my life
[Molly] Close Your Eyes says:
and two of those times were before the age of 16
[Molly] Close Your Eyes says:
the third was a christmas party and the only people there were us and mom and dad

King Leonidas: We're in for one wild night

Man oh man, had the best time tonight.
Went to go see 300 with some friends.
Well, some friends turned into
Daryl, Ben, Jessy, Mary, Charis, Jim, Tyler, Mike, Josh (not Reno) twp of Mary's friends, some kids from Barsby's football team, Katelyn, Shawn, David and myself.
Probably more... I lost count somewhere along the lines.
Anyway, we were a little late coming back from McD's (THANK you Ben... not) so we had to rush
in, Daryl and Mike still had to buy their tickets, but they were sold out so they bought Ghost Rider
and snuck in, there were no seats, and Ben and I were forced to lie on the ground in FRONT of the screen. (we were all in front row)
My back hurts sooo much, but it was a good movie (especially with mine and Ben's added commentary... Kate and Mary were NOT impressed) and I loved hanging out with the gang.

In other news:
RAW IN 2 DAYS
Sooo stoked.
Then 5 days until party bus time (yeeeeeah Mina)
I love my girls so much, but I especially miss Mina and Nikole,
and it's so stellar that we're traveling with them... and Mina and I are transforming
it into party central... haha.

After all that it's back to school.
Definitely not excited.
I hardly enjoy any of it anymore.
Well, on the bright side, hopefully I'll be too busy with prom, historymaker and
grad to worry... and then I'm DONE.
It's funny, months ago I was sooo scared of gradulation and leaving my beloved high school.
Everyone said I'd grow out of it and be ready.
Wow, were they ever right!

I can barely stand it there!


ps, Shawn's decided we change our youth group name to Spartans...

Salvation Army Soldiers?
Salvation Army SPARTANS

<33333333

"It was a bright afternoon out in front of your school. You walked down the steps...and...and I loved you."
"Why?"
"'Cause I could see your heart. You held it before you for everyone to see. And I worried that it would be bruised or torn. And more than anything in my life I wanted to keep it safe...to warm it with my own."
"That's beautiful. Or taken literally, incredibly gross."
"I was just thinking that, too."

...

Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
Derek and I decided our grad class is boring.
So were going to do something to make this year epic
and soap opera-ish
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
what should we do
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
nothing like that bomb threat or posion gas at kss
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
something safe
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
that wont get us in trouble
.:Chris:. -||- .We Pick Our Battles Long Before We Fight Them. -||- said:
come back from the dead 8 times, get married and then reveal that you're actually 4th generation cousins that have been 3 times removed.
Mahala-Sarah// This is the correlation of salvation and love said:
...uh

BESTFRIIIEEEENDSSS (Suppose I said you're my saving grace)

Michellie Latour, it all started with a stupid STUPID hunting game at cyber city. Stupid Daryl and Ben... and I'm very sorry for stopping the hunting intervention and giving Ben more quarters... you KNOW I couldn't say no to him. LAWL.
You're here for me 100% and I hope I am just as huge as a support to you.
I will never forget everything you've done for me. You are an amazing person and don't let anyone let you think otherwise. Oh Michellie, I love everything about you. How much fun we have just being grumpy and angry and making fun of dumb girlfriends. "Happy Birthday,I bought you France". Michelle, you always listen to my complaining and I love you for it. You're the loveliest girl ever, and Carlye, Katelyn and I make fun of your little quirks because we love you. ('let's be honest' 'sketchy' 'mhm!' 'no bigs' 'YUCK')


Rachel
I'll always love you.
No matter what happened/is happening/ has yet to happen I will never forget how much we've been through and how much you've been there for me. No matter what, no questions asked. 100%. and I love you more than anyone. Ever.
It hasn't been a smooth ride, but I don't regret switching to ND at all... it changed my life and I wouldn't have it any other way. IMY babes.


Carlye you're amazing. And you will never let any of us forget it, either.
You tell me the things I can't admit to myself and even though you're brutally honest 24/7, you're also there for me when I need you. I honestly have no clue where I'd be if I hadn't met you, because without you there'd be no church, youth group, Shawn, and about 3/4 of my friends. Thanks for not thinking I was a total creep in socials 11 and actually becoming friends with me... and Rachel and Camille.
ILY


Camille, my dear, I owe you my life. You were my first NDSS friend (beside RaeRae)and it was the fastest I ever made a friend. You've always been there for me to tell me the things I don't want to hear and I love you for that.
So you can be a total bitch, but we love you just as you are and I wouldn't have it any other way.


Taryn. So basically we rock the rodeo grounds. And the lame nanaimo malls. I love you so much. We went from best friends in grade 6, to phone friends in grade 7, to pretty much not talking too much until this summer. Then: BOOM! BFFLZ all over again. Most amazing summer ever!
And your visit at christmas was stellar... and very very boring.
You're a province away but you're still one of my very best friends. I tell you everything and I really do rely on my talks with you afterschool each day about boys and friends and how lame it is that you're so far away. Only 5 months until you're here for good. I miss you lovie! You'll always mean so much to me.

Caitlyn Spence, you do say words weird. We all love you regardless. Okay, so you know I used to be absolutely terrified of you. "What if I say something stupid to CAITLYN SPENCE" "I can't believe I just looked like such a loser in front of CAITLYN SPENCE." Now I still respect and admire you a whole bunch... but being in your presence doesn't make me faint.
I honestly never thought we'd be friends... probably because when I slept over at Carlye's house and you were there you were really mean. But hey, now we're having sleepovers all over the place... and I get to see you cry through an entire movie. Although I must say that I have enough trouble getting to sleep on time without you making me watch silent movies from 1919 until 3am. You're so easy to talk to and I'm pretty sure I would have gone crazy without your pep talks. You're pretty much amazing aaaand I love you. NOW HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM YET? (jaaaaykaaay)


Oh Jessy... You are the coolest little chickadee. I am so proud of you and you have to know that I'll always be here for ya. You're my accountability partner, but it goes a lot further than phonecalls about scripture... I'll always be here for you whenever you need me. You're an amazing person and you shine so brightly. I am so glad I met you and I'll always remember those great times in math and English... but mostly math. I'll always be your 'Ma-Holla-Back-Girl'




Mr Ben Bergen.
All I can say is, if it weren't for your issue of talking to me through EVERY movie, I would've had a MUCH better mark in English last year. I might forgive you one day. I find it unnaturally easy to talk to you, which is new for me. Most of the time you drive me crazy, and yeah, okay the dating thing didn't work out but I still care about you a whole bunch and pretty much always
will... probably because you drive me crazy, but then are still super sweet, so I can't stay
mad or something. Jerk.
I really do miss having my spare with you... mainly because you can make me laugh... whether I want to or not.Your tie isn't gay (I got yelled at by Rachel for that) kangaroos break the big hands big feet rule and carpets CANNOT vacuum themselves. Thanks for always being there, and I vow
to hang out with you more this summer than last summer. Although last summer you were gone for 2 months and we were smitten and ridiculous so it doesn't count.
heart and such dude.
(And as long as you keep sitting with us girlies (+ Derek... doesn't count as a boy) at lunch, we will continue to eat your food. It's just how it works.)


Mary Marie! I love you! I love you to the ends of the earth. Clearly you and your sister are my favourite twins. I love chilling in your room and talking about boys and school and life. But mostly boys. You're gorgeous and your hair will make you famous one day. Thank you for being there no matter what. You're one of the coolest chickas I know. I'll always look back on bible study days and smile at how we've taken a part in adding one more grey hair to poor Dave Perry's head.



Bledsoe,
let's face it, we were mortal enemies last year.
I haaaated so many things about you.
And now look at us! Sleepovers, parties at the OFFICIAL Alexander Party House.
We make fun of eachother relentlessly, but you're an amazingly supportive friend when
it comes down to it. Trust me, I would have never thought I'd ever be going to you for advice,
or crying on your shoulder, but you're pretty much my biggest support right now.
Basically, I love you Katelyn.
Outdoor Sex Ed Y'all!


Ooooh Tiffany,
what would I do without you?
While I'm writing this you're on a plane to Greece. I do not dig that.
I love you so much babes, but do you really have to jet off and leave me all on
my lonesome on the winner bus? We totally MAKE the party on l'autobus baby.
Jareth is a total douchebag and racism sucks. Haha. Can't live without you and
we have to stay in touch after highschool. I'm pretty confident we won't be BFFLZ
after grad, but let's be honest, the 10 year reunion will be a blast!


Allyson Dawe how could I have ever disliked you? I've known you almost as long as I've known Rachel (possibly because you live across the street?) can you believe it? I love sitting in Rachel's livingroom and making prank calls to your little sister across the street until she cried... and called you for help. I know that we've had our issues, but I just love you now. Bio was a blast... especially 'helping' eachother on the tests.
I'm going to miss you so much when you move! But you have to stay nanaimo-shaped for at least the summer so we can go swimming at Westwood Lake once more and steal Emily and Kaitlin's water toys... Again. I hope you have more success in Parksville than I did. And I love you til the end of time.
I heart you forever Al


Kaitie you little freak. I've pretty much known you for about 7 years. You've always been annoying, but I've always loved you, deep down.
Everyone thought you'd never grow up, but I had faith. You're a wonderful kid and I just love you. Where's Waldo and Charlie the Unicorn are the defining moments of our friendship. Can't wait til our little roadtrip and you're my bus buddy... because I wouldn't have it any other way. You had better be in my hotel room because I love you.



Deb-a-mite, D-to the Lyn- EXTREME, Debralyn, whatever. I love you so much girlie. You;re such a creep and I'm so happy Rachel and I decided not to hate you, because then we wouldn't have had amazing fashion show, bowling party, spoonzah, hotel room extravaganzas. I hate you because you're not coming on the fantabulous road trip this year, but then again, I blew it off for California once, so I guess Japan can win out once. You're gorgeous and I hope everyone just keeps thinking we're twins.

WE'RE SO IN LOVE

Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
carlye loves...
molly
Carlye new cell phone on friday! says:
i love you most of the time
Carlye new cell phone on friday! says:
lol
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
thats good enough for me
Carlye new cell phone on friday! says:
you know sometimes i want to ring your little neck (a)
Carlye new cell phone on friday! says:
(L)(L)(L)
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
its okay
its mutual (L)(L)
i just bottle it up
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
and because im smart enough to know that you'd hit me
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
and i have soft skin, and bruise easily
Molly The only way into this stronghold is through the sewer. says:
so i reason myself out of it

No time for a real post

Life is pretty crazy.
Leaving in 4 days for RAW
Then party bus-ing it up to P.G with Kaitie, Emily, Dori, Kourtney etc.
12 hrs... but still pretty stoked.

On the not so rad side of things, I keep getting chronic migranes.
Lamexcor3.

And even if it all falls through, I'm here and I hear you

Okay Mom,
I swear.. this is my last letter to you.
What a lie.
I swore to myself I'd stop writing to you.
It was supposed to be "grief therapy"
Well, when will the grief end?
Yeah... my mom died, trust me... the severity is not lost on me,
but the fact that it has to take over my life.. how is that fair.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my seventeen years, Mom...
but I have forgiveness, right? So why do I have this torment following
me around. I'm not laying a guilt trip on you or anything... I know this
was never your plan... I know you loved me. People tell me all the time.
"Your mother loved you so much" "You were your moms entire world"
"All your mom ever wanted for you was everything she never had"
It's the most ironic statement to say to a kid who's mother has just
kicked the bucket. I know you did mom, but do they truly
believe that these are my most gleeful moments?
I'm not trivializing it Mom, I'm just attempting to simplify.
I'm not complaining that I have a horrible burdened life because of
your death, because I don't. I love my life... I love it more than I ever have.
What I hate is whenever I'm at my happiest, it's never anyone else's happiest.
When I was happy back "in the day", that's all it was.
Pure simple happiness.
Now it's happy... and still kind of bummed out.
Or when I'm sad, you're not there to fix it.
I know teenage girls rarely go to their moms for advice,
even if they probably should... but I don't even HAVE the option.
This is getting sort of bratty, which was never my intention.
When did this happen mom? I tell everyone I'm SO over it
and SO okay. But I'm not, I never was. It still feels like one
big dream. Like I could wake up tomorrow and be living back on
Alsbrook Road in our 19th century house, with a dog and 3 cats and my
room across from my brothers. And you would have never gotten sick.
I would be 14 again, you would be in the garden, dad would be at work.
I would have no memory of NDSS or the Salvation Army, I would be best
friends with Alexis or Sami or Veronica (How weird is that?) and best
friends with Rachel, the girl who goes to school 2 cities away but
is still the most amazing friend I could ever have.
I'd have long blond hair and cute clothes and my perfect
naive princess life.
The truly ironic thing is, I don't want any of that.
I want to be a 17 year old who lives in a pathetic townhouse in Nanaimo
who is about to MAYBE graduate from NDSS. Who is worried
about friends and ex boyfriends and prom and psychology projects.
I want to be a girl who is normal, down to earth, VERY lacking in the naive
princess qualities and who has a mom.
But I can't have my cake and eat it too, can I mom?
Nope. Not me. Not anyone.
Which is why this is not a complaining letter.
Nothing comes from complaining.
Because in the end, I know that this isn't a dream and you aren't coming
back and I still have to deal with all of this on my own.
And I'm okay with that.
For now.
But get back to me tomorrow.
My entire opinion could have changed by then.
I'm a 17 year old girl.
It's what I do.

Hmm.
So it appears I've turned into Jessy.
I'm freaking uot about that interview
"did they like me?""did I say the right things?"
They gave me a ride home, so they got to
know me better, but I'm still iffy.
I mean, I haven't taken LIT or LIT2
but neither has Jessy, Tyler, Caitlyn, Mary or Carlye.
At least Carlye had XLR:8, which means she's basically a shoe-in
like Michelle and Mike were last year.
50 people applied from all over, and only 30 positions are available.
We hear back at the end of march.
Even if I don't get it, I'm going to volunteer.
I'm just worried how it would break Jessy's heart if she doesn't get in.
I'm sure she will though.
Def.


My dad's been away all weekend,
and I've decided I'm not going to let him do it again.
It's been such a hassle getting around this weekend.
I've gotten rides with Caitlyn or Shawn,
but I'm rideless to church today and I would've been stranded
in Harewood last night if it weren't for the Pikes.

I wanted to go to the spaghetti dinner so badly yesterday
but kids didn't start leaving till 4, and interviews didn't end until 6,
we left around 6:30 and by then it was pointless... aaand I was wearing
2 torn t-shirts, muddy jeans and soggy runners.
Yumm.

Despite it all, yesterday was amazing.
I mean, we've been waiting in anticipation for this day for
weeks. It was sooo great. I'm a total JYC n00b, but even I
know it went sooo well.
The kids were amazing, and it was so much fun having Mel, Jessi and Sam in
my group. Those kids are so awesome. All of them were,
and then there was that scary bit with the one kid.
I have never been so scared in my life. I'm so proud of how Taylor handled it.
She just came up to me and told me what was going on and we took him right to Shawn.
I cannot conceive how a little boy could want to end his life, but apparently we handled it well.
Plus, we pwned at all the games.
Can't wait til next year.
Church tiiiime<3

Best thing my youth pastor has ever said on camera

Hey Chris, how's your package?