Forever

So this weekend in Vancouver was pretty much amazing.
It started off with a bang with the NINETEEN HOUR ferryride on the shiftiest excuse for a boat imaginable (and by 19 I did, in fact, mean 2) however, Michelle, Mike and I somehow managed. Then we got greeted by dear, sweet, Cassie Marsh. (Who has the most incredible family, by the way). The hours before the banquet were spent giggling and being girly and ridiculous... it was obviously amazing. (Well, that was Michelle, Cas and I... not Mike. He was a 'man's man' and played videogames with Bradley and Andy [Cassie's brothers... they're triplets!])
The ride to CHT was quite the adventure. Might I say that David Grice is INSANE... driving wise, anyway. Besides almost getting the 15 or so of s KILLED, he also ducks with directions and we got lost and were late to the banquet. This, paired with the wiplash, was worth it for the AMAZING greeting we received upon arrival. Everyone lauching at you shrieking and hugging is definitely great for the self esteem. It was SO great to see Vangi, Rebecca, Jessica, Jaz... EVERYONE (I'm not going to start a list with the chance of leaving someone out). Vangi and I sat together (with Joanna and Co., of course) and had the best time... and may or may not have stuck out a bit (we definitely make a ruckus wherever we go... BESTFRIENDS!) and we all danced our tushes off. It was SO incredible to see everyone again; I really missed them.
Michelle, Cas and I had some really good talks after getting home last night (after getting supremely lost on the way home, since Mike Touzeau, despite growing up on the mainland, cannot find his way from Langley to Richmond.)
The ferry home today was... just as long... only lacking in one Mike Anderson, and afterwards Michelle and I had a smashing old time going to the singing Christmas tree with Tyler... and talking about goats wearing cover-up, in McDonalds.
Overall, an amazing weekend.


ps.
Michelle says:
and i'd like to point out that she makes the same "i'm a retard! Hear me ROAR!" face each time

Herrumph.

Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
but if i go outside alone i might get abducted! :-O
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
by a fat man in a red coat??
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
YEA MAYBE
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
crazy
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
mhm, and then i couldnt celebrate my birthday because id be locked in some abandoned warehouse!
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
with miniature people making toys?
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
so I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that I was abducted by Santa, or that you're calling me an elf.
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
who said i was calling you an elf
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
i just said you would be in a warehouse with miniature people
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
i never said that you would fit in, or something

My halo is broken now and I'm all that's left

So I guess I haven't written anything for awhile. Or I probably have, I just don't remember.
So I've been all flu-ish for the past few days, which wasn't very pleasant. I've also been spending some quality time with Chelsea and Cale, since we were all SNOWED IN for the long weekend (pro-d days). Chelsea and I honed our cheesy computer game skills, and we taught Cale how to play seek and find video games. He's addicted now.
I also haven't seen any of my friends since last week, because they were all snowed in, too. Carlye barely made it home from work, and her store was the only one open all weekend. Michelle got snowed in at her dad's house with her brother and sister so she actually almost didn't make it through the weekend. Enough talk of snow, though. It all melted yesterday and now we're back to good ol' British Columbia rain.
Today I get to go out for lunch with my dad, which is neat. I'm kind of bummed that he can't have christmas with the rest of the family this year, but I understand that he's just not ready for that. It's 21 days til Christmas (I know this thanks to Sarah Latour's constantly updated MSN status) and I'm pretty excited (but don't tell anyone, it'll ruin my rep).
I get to see The Aunts and my Oma and Opa. It's going to be weird celebrating without Grandma, but I'm just excited irregardless. Although I doubt Isla and Ewan remember me (or if Ewan ever actually notices my presence) I'm SO stoked to see them. As much as I enjoy my life in Nanaimo. nothing quite beats family. My life here is new and everything it contains is current. All of my memories here don't stretch past grade eleven. My family knew me before my memories were even formed, and they can help me piece together my past that I'm so unsure of. Plus, The Aunts love telling embarrassing stories about me when I was growing up, and unlike when I was six, I like to hear them.
It also doesn't hurt that they have some pretty amazing stories of my mom, too. Not just the hugging, cookie-baking, Christmas-party-planning mom, but the one that existed well before she was "Mom".
The mom that I never really got to know...
and that's a beautiful thing.

Water to my soul

So I'm feeling better than I've been feeling the past few days, but I suppose that wasn't exactly public knowledge. On top of being physically ill since I got back from Vancouver, I've been feeling like a pretty big failure, waste of space... whatever you call it, I felt it. Now I know that I am God's child and I am a part of the body and needed and etcetera, and I'm confident in that, trust me. It seems like the issue was outside of me; not a spirit thing. The book we're reading for XLR8 says that EVERYTHING should be a spirit thing, so I guess that's my problem, if I'm living solely through my spirit; through the spirit, nothing outside of it should affect me. At least, that's what the book told me. Or maybe the reason it is bothering me is because all is not right with my soul. Who knows.
That's a rhetorical question with an obvious answer, so I don't want 16 emails telling me something I am already fully aware of. The point is, that feeling is gone. Or if it isn't, it's lessened substantially. I went out with Kellie tonight and we had a good chat. Actually, it was a pretty ordinary insignificant chat... but it was conversation, and I guess it's all I needed. My life is such a bore lately, but at least I've been able to see my friends more than I had been able to in the past few weeks. I went out for breakfast this morning with Michelle, which was fun. We decided we were too young and hip to be Ladies who Lunch, and it was only 10:30am, so we're officially the Babes who Brunch. Classy, eh? Tomorrow I'm possibly getting together with Ben, and Carlye is sleeping over, because we make eachother love life (and I'm the only one that listens to her rant about her amazing boyfriend for 6 hours).
Tonight Michelle, Tyler and I watched Reign Over Me.
It's about this guy that runs into his old college roommate, whose wife and 3 daughters died in the 9/11 plane crash. He denies it ever happened and doesn't actually remember anything from that part of his life. It's depressing, although I don't know how it ends because Michelle had to get the car home by 10.

I suppose that's all.
PEACE

ps. Tyler told me on the phone tonight that if the movie didn't make me cry, I was cold-blooded. I asked him if that meant I was a a reptile. He said that yes, it definitely did.
Long story short, I am now a Caribbean gecko.

Jolly Holidays!

Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
i just had a vision
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
it was funny
Michelle says:
k
Michelle says:
lets hear it
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
well it was about you two
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
only you were Mary Poppins and he was the chimney sweep when they go through the painting
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
before they ride the magical horses from the merry go round
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
when she's dressed in a pretty poofy flowered dress and bonnet
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
and he has the cute white suit on
Michelle says:
lol kinda following... i havent seen this movie in years
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
and he sings " Jolly Holiday"
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday with Mary
Mary makes your 'eart so liiiiiight!
When the day is gray and ordinary
Mary makes the sun shine briiiiiiight!
Michelle says:
lol random
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
Oh, 'appiness is bloomin' all around 'er
The daffodils are smilin' at the doooooove
When Mary 'olds your 'and you feel so grand
Your 'eart starts beatin' like a big brass band
It's a jolly 'oliday with Maaaaaaary
No wonder that it's Mary that we loooooove!

Would you believe me if I said it's still easy

So I was reading this weekend, because that kind of stuff is rad, and it was basically an entire text on fighting the evil one. On a completely separate occasion last night, I was talking to Michelle about how she can't quite see herself being too successful on the downtown eastside because she's a burden bearer and, well, there are a lot of burdens too bear down there, and Michelle's shoulders just can't support it all. Then we discussed how my gifts are mercy and evangelism and I would feel bad for them and then work my butt off trying to get them saved.
I've actually been noticing my mercy a lot lately, because when I was reading the book, and it talked about how Lucifer was cast to earth and became Satan and so on, I actually felt bad for him. I mean, he was an important angel and could have really been amazing and done a lot, and now look at him. It's just too bad. That does not, however, mean I don't want to beat him evil little butt into oblivion, mind you. I'm just saying, he really screwed himself over. Ha.

I know this is a really pointless post, but I'm content with that.
Today at wild truth we did the leap of faith, when the leaders hold out their arms and the kids have to fall off the platform into our arms and have faith that we won't drop them. It's a pretty long fall, too. I was glad to see the information really soaking into the kids heads and them truly understanding the connection between that and having faith that God will always catch them when they fall. It was actually really beautiful.
(and Alexis Levac is the cutest 5 year old on the planet)
We actually spent all bible study writing "constructive criticisms for Shawn (paired with things we like about him) and listening to him read them out. One actually made me laugh so hard I was in tears. I did, in fact, cry on Michelle's shoulder for a good 3 and a half minutes.
"You look like Dana Carvey"
I love my youth group so much.
Well, I suppose that's all.
Oh, and afterwards Tyler, Michelle and I invited Shawn to our excursion to Tim Hortons, since he gets hurt that we never invite him when we go out after bible study every week and we had some really good youth pastor- youth leader/ youth (Tyler is, in fact, only 17) conversing.

Kay that's all, for reals.
Night.

It's the overflow of the forgiven soul... Our hearts CANNOT stay silent!

As the title may or may not reveal to you, I am currently rocking out to 'Dancing Generation' by Matt Redman. That is the mood I'm in right now. Although I am cold and tired and barely thawed, I am in AWE of God right now. I just had a truly amazing conversation with a girl who at one time, not too long ago, I was very close friends with. We still see eachother often enough, but things have changed because the girl that I once loved, who always GLOWED with the Lord's glory, through much pain, has developed a bitter heart, and it's become pretty hard for a lot of the people in our congregation, youth-wise, to relate to her as we once did. As much as we do for every other aspect of our lives, we ache and grasp for the past, when things were beautiful and like new; when she was like an innocent tender flower, not a cold, hard stone. So you can understand to some degree how delightfully surprised I was when I got through an entire conversation with her without her yelling at me! (It's her 'thing' nowadays)
She revealed to me her feelings of loneliness and depression and how she feels a need for someone, anyone, to fill that need. She said that she aches for a boyfriend, because, in her once-familiar innocent flower ways, she's never had one.
I told her not to rush things, that time is not as important as finding a relationship that glorifies God. I praised the LORD when I could see her old mannerisms coming through as she told me how she sometimes feels like just grabbing a random guy and kissing him, just for the sake of doing it, but obviously doesn't because she knows that it's not for the right reason.
She talked about how she can imagine her perfect match; looking at her in a certain way she couldn't quite place... that smile he'd get everytime he looked at her.
I must say, I was impressed with the words I gave her, and as I read them back to myself, I felt them imprint themselves onto my heart as well, because I think it's a message EVERYONE should receive.

"Don't hurry things, it'll happen when God wants it to happen. Focus on Him, and mystery boy will come after. When you meet the right guy, you'll know.
Not by instantly wanting to kiss him, but by the way he treats you and makes you feel about YOURSELF.
The guy who will make you feel beautiful in sweats with no makeup and gives you THAT look.
The guy that you want to kiss because God has set you up as a perfect match. You'll kiss him because you want to express to him how much he means to you and to God.
You'll know it's right. You'll recognize the feelings; like it's written on your DNA.
you'll feel accepted, and you WONT feel lonely.
Being with ANY guy may take away the feelings of loneliness for a little while, but you'll know he's not THE ONE by the way he treats you.
It may be fun to make out and feel like you're wanted, but if he doesn't show you that you're beautiful INSIDE as well as on the outside, then he's not worth it."

I loved that I got to express that to her, teach her like I used to, guide her to straighter paths, because I have been so WORRIED for her; for her innocent heart.
Hallelujah! I missed her; my beautiful tender flower.

I have so much more to 'blog, but I think this is quite enough emotion for ONE entry,
Now I'm off to revel in the wonder of my Father.

Consuming fire

So, yesterday I received a bunch of facebook messages from numerous people in X{LR}:8.
Prayers, requests for prayer, general information... and the hard truth. We don't talk. We promised that we'd talk and keep eachother updated so we could help eachother through life. We spent an entire weekend learning that we could and SHOULD rely on eachother to hold us up and hold us accountable, but that weekend is in the past, and it's like those rules only applied then, or at SYC. At youth group, when Shawn made us think back to a moment we were truly happy, told us to think back on the sights anf the smells. There was one obvious one, the one with my mom on her last "healthy" Christmas, when everything smelt like cinnamon and pine needles and love, but another one kept trying relentlessly to nudge itself into my mind. It was at X{LR}:8, it was pouring ran and Vangi and I had just run through the storm to the warmth of Gooding Hall. We were soaking wet and laughing and we started riffling through the music that had been left out from Worship early that morning. Together we sat there holding hands singing "Consuming Fire" over and over and over again. Nothing else mattered in that moment but the words escaping our mouths and the spirit inflating our hearts. All I can remember from that moment was pure joy. I wasn't thinking of my mom or my dad or loneliness or feelings of inadequacy, it didn't even matter that I'm not very good singer. All that mattered was that moment. Of course, that was probably tied with screaming worship while wading in the ocean during a thunderstorm and spiritual warfare with Vangi and Joanna.
So I guess if it was to choose a time to freeze in and not go forward with my life, (even though the whole point of the bible study was AGAINST doing that) that didn't involve resurrecting someone, it'd be that weekend.


There must be more than this
oh breath of God come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have ur way
Lord have ur way
with us

Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
leave us abandoned to your praise
Lord let your glory fall
Lord let your glory fall

I'm awake in the infinite cold but you sing to me over and over again

Sometimes I wonder if you're looking down on me.
If you see how I've grown, what I've learned and the stupid, stupid mistakes I've made.
Sometimes I convince myself that it's just a dream... a long, painful, pitiful dream, but I never wake up. Sometimes I can't believe it happened. That it's all still happening. It's never going to stop, is it? I'm going to keep living out your death. Everything that happened and has happened since and will happen in the future is a continuation of your untimely end. Sometimes I wish people understood, that they could FEEL how bizarre this entire thing is.
It's like for your entire life, for fifteen years, you're one person, and you know that person, you've master being that person, living that life, sometimes you even LIKED that person, and then one day it all changes and there's no going back. Sometimes I wonder if I could have done something differently. I wasn't just a kid, I think that was my favourite excuse at the time; it wasn't happening, that doesn't happen to me, it happens to other people... I'm only a kid.
But I could have told you to go to the doctor, I could have nursed you back to health, I could have at the very LEAST, held your hand in the hospital. Instead, I stayed home curled up in a ball under my covers and waited for it to end. I prayed for it to end.
It ended, you ended. My life as I knew it ended. Be careful what you wish for.
It's not that my life now is so painfully unbearable, it isn't. I'm lucky for what I have and what I've learn and for my stupid, stupid mistakes... but that doesn't mean I can't miss you sometimes. It doesn't mean I can't squeeze my eyes shut tight and pretend you're still here... for at least a little while.
Vangi told me that she knows you'd be proud of me, and that you loved me and still love me. I know that, I KNOW I was your little girl and I know that Jacob and I were your entire world, but the more I think about how much you loved me, the more I ache for that love. I yearn for you to physically be sitting beside me and hugging me. To hold my hand and hold me when I cry.
I miss you so much Mom.
But I'm not going to think of the rest of my life as living out your death, but maybe a continuation of your life.
I'll try to make you proud Mommy.
I'll try to stay your little girl.

When we're still holding on to how things were, our arms aren't free to embrace today"

I find it a major miracle that he bible study topics are always things that relate to what I am dealing with the day before. It's so profound and such a blessing.
Tonight we talked about living for today. How you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, and by living in the past, you can't move forward and accomplish a thing. After we watched the video Shawn made us close our eyes and envision the time when we were happiest.
Immediately, I thought back to that Christmas I was thinking about yesterday, the year before we found out my mom was sick. It was in the big house on Allsbrook, and everyone was there. Oma and Opa came with Aunty Carol and Chelsea, Helen (my mom's best friend at the time), Sam (the husband) and their daughters Alice and Joanne (MY best friends back then) were there... everything was perfect. There was christmas music blasting for days, the house always smelt like eggnog and cinnamon and at night I'd fall asleep to our crackling fireplace.
That's what I've been holding onto; the memories of my mom, and how I can't go back.
I guess in a way, it's easier than it would be for most. I can't hold onto the past, I can't stay there and attempt to stop it from changing, because I can't. My mom's death forced me to move past it. What I'm worried about is how my life is going to start changing dramatically very soon. Michelle is starting nursing, Mike and Tyler are going away to school, Carlye is moving to Langley... and I'm heading off to start my life God knows where... I do have the opportunity to stay, to try and freeze time and keep everything the way it is. To become a static representation of myself and not accomplish anything at all, but be safe.
With my mom, I had no choice but to move on and grow, now I have a choice... I just hope I make the right one.

Sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key... sing me anything

So in no time it'll be Christmas again.
That holiday always seems to sneak up on me. When I least expect it, it's just right in front of me and I have to deal with it. It's been almost 3 years now; well, 3 years on December 10th.
Part of me is angry at, well, myself... for not being over it. I don't want to be a downer or anything, but it seems like every year my mood starts taking a nosedive around this time.
The other part of me is guilty for trying to forget. If I try to move past these feelings, does it mean I'm forgetting my mom? I know that everyone will argue that it's not the same thing and they'll use those cliche lines about her always being in my heart and being happy that I'm moving on. Now that's all well and good, but it's not that easy. My mom was this amazing ray of sunshine in everyone's lives, and I want to be that for everyone as well; I want to throw big christmas parties, and wear jingling earrings and play christmas music from november through til april... but what if that means I'm not moving on? If I'm trying to be her? What if I'm nothing like her at all? What if all we share are matching smiles and vertical-impairment? I mean, I don't have her gorgeous singing voice, I don't have her tenderness, I don't have the same thirst for life that she always seemed to be overflowing with.
It seems so backwards that 4 christmas' ago she was overflowing with life and now she's... not.

Gardenstate

You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? ... that idea of home is gone ... Maybe that's all family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

All the words you said to me that day, I could not explain

Hmm, so my life feels like it's balancing out.
I have a steady schedule at work now; I work Mon- Fri and get weekends off.
I'm pretty excited about that, and I get to go visit Caitlyn (hopefully!) next weekend with Michelle.
We're both very stoked to see Cait again; it's been too long.
Deanna sent us all a giant letter from Scotland and it was really neat. I miss that girl a lot, but I'm pretty excited for her homecoming in June.
Tonight was pretty extraordinary, and it was really great to catch up with Carlye again. Although she was only gone (physically) for 5 days, it's like she's been away for awhile now... or maybe we just weren't making an attempt to find her. We caught eachother up on our weekends and what we've been feeling lately. It was sad to realize that despite being best friends and only living 10 minutes apart, we didn't really know what had been going on the past few weeks.
We watched the Nooma video "Lump" and I don't have much to say on it. I don't mean that in a negative way, just that the message was simple and direct. I am loved no matter what.
Somehow I feel, though, that people use that as a security blanket. Yeah, it makes those warm fuzzy feelings in our hearts, but is that really all it should mean to us?
"Aww, I'm loved. That's neat. I feel good now. Life is peachy."
That just seems a tad naive to me.
But maybe that's just an issue I need to deal with.

Prayer

"Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make them well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective"
James 5:13-16

This is how we'll dance when, when they try to take us down

So I figured this song (Let The Flames Begin) was a good blogging song.
So in the past 24 hours or so, I've learned, or re-learned, really... a lot about myself.
I was having an intense conversation with Clint Houlbrook about how everyone has a talent but sometimes I'm just a TEEEENSY bit jealous of other people's talents. That started a whirlwind of scripture verses and "didn't you listen at ALL during the weekend at X{LR}:8?"'s.
(Which, in case you were wondering, cemented my belief that Clint is pretty much the coolest man alive.) It's not so much that I WANT someone else's gifts or abilities, but moreso that I wish mine were more... usable. I mean, I LOOOVE to write, and I realize that I'm fairly decent at it, but how do I use it to help others worship. It's not that I don't know HOW (Clint also gave me a list 10 pages long of ways I could) but I kind of lack the platform on which to do that.
It was around the time THAT conversation was winding down that Clint decided that he wanted to post my writing on Send The Fire. In fact, he's interested in me writing a monthly article/poem/etc for the site, based around the fruits of the spirit. It will be paired up with a photograph illustrating the same topic, and a video of the like as well as a song that the more musically inclined youth of Canada can put together (Vangi and Mike seem pretty open to that bit). After THAT I got a message from Jasmine, a girl in my X{LR}:8 session, asking me if I wanted to write an article for The Salvationist (A Salvo magazine thing) about love.
Some time after that, I decided on Columbia as my college of choice for September (if I can get in, that is) not only because of the fabulous courses that seem to match my interests perfectly, but their fantastic journalism program and acting group.
After THAAAAAT I learned from Vangi that Columbia is her school of choice too!
(I did in fact know she was considering it, but it's cool to think we'll be going to the same school someday... I mean, SHE still has to finish highschool).
So on top of it being a very action packed day, I re-learned quite a bit about myself. I say re-learned because not too long ago I knew that writing was my passion. It wasn't JUST a hobbie, it was my life.
For many years, I had my life mapped out. Get straight A's, go to Princeton, become a screenwriter. The thing is, when God come into the picture, everything changes.
I don't mean it in a negative way at all... I love my life and what God has done with it. I wouldn't change anything about my life or the way it has panned out. Yeah, my mom dying wasn't amazing, and my dad trying to kill himself wasn't an awesome experience either... but both events have helped me grow and learn a lot about life... now that I have life figured out, I just have to decide how I fit into it.

Peace

I guess as the months and the years wear on
And that pretentious grandfather clock in the den chimes gallantly
I'm expected to feel some sort of peace.
I'm supposed to lift up my hands and declare that I am a better person and call out "I am gratified and I have grown through my pain and near demise!"
So I guess it helped in a way
It really added spice to the whole growing up pseudo-after-school-special-my-life-is-invigorated-by-this-one-of-a-kind
-life-lesson thing

But the funny thing about growing up is,
it happens.
You can jet off to Antigua for God knows how long and it happens.
I would still grow and learn and screw up
-save deaths, rebirths, financial devastations and step-on-the-crack-break-your-mother's-whatever detonations.

So thank you for the gratification,
but I know and you know and that girl from my grade 10 science class knows that is is displaced.
Because despite all the tears and tears
and sordid pity hugs
I would have grown up and grow out.
Out of devastation, out of despair and out of her arms.

Molly Woodford

Michelle says:
i think i'll go tanning again tomorrow
Molhala They prey as wolves among the sheep and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep says:
how long until you're black?
Michelle says:
lol
Michelle says:
who knows
Michelle says:
i have tanlines just from today
Molhala They prey as wolves among the sheep and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep says:
i need dates, latour. I want an african american best friend.
Michelle says:
lol

Unwinding Cable Car

Emotive unstable, you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Backing away from the problem of pain; you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes; it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart

You're so brilliant
Grace marked your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
and out of the dark

Close your eyes and make believe, this is where you want to be

So I'm pretty much waiting with baited breath for the rest of this week. It looks pretty exciting. Tomorrow I get to laze around all day, and they can't even call me in like they did today (and ruined my LAZY), because I get tuesdays off!
Then there's bible study, which makes me stoked on life, obvs.
Wednesday I'm babysitting Katie for the morning and being lazy the REST of the day (unless I get called into work, of course) and Thursday I get an 8 hour CLOSING shift. Oh my life.
I LOVE taking buses at 10pm :)
Friday is picture scavenger hunt, which is exciting (gag) and then it's the weekend.
How time flies when you actually have a life.

I just spent the last 9 million hors talking to Veronica and Chris about, well, everything.
I haven't laughed that hard in SO long and it was amazing. We laughed til we cried and relived hundreds of memories dating back to grade 6 (More V and I than Chris... he just got confused.)
It was a lot of fun, and for a bit, really momentous.

Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
does anyone else find it kind of unreal that the three of us are talking right now?
Veronica says:
yeah
Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
I kind of feel like I'm in grade 10 again
Veronica says:
i know
Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
is this a good bizarre, or a bad bizarre?
.:Chris:. -||- .Si vis pacem, para bellum. -||- says:
I'm surprised V is talking to me :P
Veronica says:
its good.
Veronica says:
very good!! (L)


The truth is, Chris has been friends with BOTH Veronica and I this whole time, but this week is pretty much the first time we've REALLY talked in 3 years. As much s my life has kind of moved on and I'm happy here and I've moved past all of the stuff that went on in grade 10, the fact of the matter is, I moved because of V. I actually switched to a school 2 towns away because of her. I actually couldn't be in the same town if we weren't friends. I guess it was a pretty big deal.
So yeah, us being good friends again? It's really, really... cool.

She's a question without answers

So when I was growing up and I'd be in a bad mood or flustered, my mom would tell me to go scream into a pillow. I'd rarely do it, because at the time she told me, I was cynical and angry and doing the opposite of whatever she said. So today I was stressed and aching and the sorrow in my heart was rising again. I heard a little voice whisper "Couldn't hurt to try, Mols"
so I took a deep breath, sent myself to a secluded spot in the house and screamed all of my anguish and hurt... into a pillow.
I got less tense, my problems seemed really infantile, and I went on with my day... just like that.
Funny how, 3 years after her death, my mom is still teaching me some pretty big lessons.

Everything I think about, makes me feel like a version of myself

So I've had a couple friendships where I stop talking to someone for awhile, but when we talk again, suddenly we're on the same wavelength as before. I used to assume that it was a sign that we're such good friends nothing could tear us apart. But that's not it. It's almost as if people grow together, and as much as you change, whatever connection you once shared never fully goes away. I reconnected with an old friend earlier this week... we were incredibly close at one point in my life; best friends... but a lot happened that changed it. It's funny, really, I can remember when it ended and my dad told me that he was sure we'd be friends again one day, and I told him that it would NEVER happen, that we were sworn enemies for life. At the time it was the biggest deal because it's all I knew of my world. I ended up switching schools directly after that, mostly because of this one friend. But now, none of that seems to matter. Now, I know I suck at holding grudges, but when I search my memory for the main reasons we stopped talking, they really seem ridiculous. I mean, I was 15 and my mom was dead and nothing really made sense.
Back to the friendship thing though, it's almost like we're conditioned to have certain reactions when we see certain people... or act a certain way. I mean, I know for a FACT that I am nowhere near the person I was in grade 10, and she's convinced she isn't either... and yet when we talk it's like nothing's changed.
I think we're conditioned to do or think a lot of things. Like the smell of brownies cooking reminds me of the house I had on Hickey Ave, and the smell of Antibacterial soap reminds me of my moms hospital room, and snow reminds me of my brother and I cross country skiing when I was 6.
Or whenever I peel a mandarin orange, I always feel sad if the peel breaks into 2 or more pieces, because I've been conditioned to believe that's horrible, just from growing up with the "first orange you eat, if the peel comes off in one piece, you get a wish" thing.
I know that everything that has ever been said or done to me has influenced who I am, and I'm okay with that. My mom dying tweaked me a little one way, and my experiences with my dad molded me another. However, as much as those events shaped who I am, I am not those events. I don't want to be defined by my experiences. People do it a lot, not in a negative way, but by describing me as 'strong' because of my mom's death. I do it too, I've learned. Eventually, it just becomes a comfortable habit. It's a lot easier to be those things that figure out who I really am. The truth is, her death didn't make me strong, it made me very very weak. Dealing with that made me strong. Having to react to everything that resulted from her death gave me strength. My mom's death is not me. I am not motherless, I am not fatherless. I am Molly. I am friendly and warm and I have an amazing sense of humor. I am a good friend and I am an evangelist. I am energetic and some times kind of cruel. I am fast to speak and slow to anger. I am good at lifting people up, and sadly, pretty talented at putting them down (though I try not to do that purposely).
But I am not death, I am not despair. I am not tragic or broken.
I am growing and learning and glowing.
Or if I'm not, at least I'm trying.