The collision is such an ugly sound

I had such a terrific weekend, full of cute kids and great pizza dinners with a best friend who also happen to be the most incredible guy on the planet. JYC was so much fun, I got to hang out at Ben's house and hear his wicked organ playing skills, and Alexx's family is so awesome (and gigantic) and her surprise birthday party was precious. I feel so blessed by everything in my life. I just wish I hadn't taken so much of it for granted.
I'm so sorry to everyone I have hurt.
Not just lately, but ever.
I've done so many stupid things in my life, and I've said some ridiculous stuff. If I could take it all back, I would. Not because I want to turn back time, but because I wish no one ever had to feel pain. I've felt so much pain in these past few years that sometimes I feel like it's all just killing me, an I've always told myself that no one should have to feel any hurt. Yet I somehow find the ability inside myself to hurt other people and justify it by the fact that they love me or that grace will save me. Even if they forgive me and continue on loving me, it doesn't mean that for that moment, I wasn't hurting them.
Olivia Munn told us how good trees cannot bear bad fruit and bad trees cannot bear good fruit.
I guess it's pretty clear which tree I am now.

Jedi Mind-Trickery

Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
Anyway, I'm leaving this computer for dead, and am going to embrace life outside.
Molla ][And it's a long way home from here][ says:
may the force be with you
Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
The force is like an analogy for the holy spirit right?
Molla ][And it's a long way home from here][ says:
obvs
Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
Alright, thanks.

I guess I should consider it a good sign that I'm crying for the first time in more than a month, but I don't. I just want to be happy again. I want to know without a doubt that you love me and I want everything to be the way it used to be.
I can feel things again, but I don't like what I'm feeling.

Jumping Jehosiphet

Today Major Joan had a troke at church; scariest thing ever.
Hardcore prayer needed there.
I really miss Ben. And I know we spend a decent amount of time sending ridiculously emotional text messages, but I miss being ble to just hang out with him every day like in highschool. That is not saying, however, that I miss highschool. But I do miss some of the things that came with it. One of them being the ability to just sit in Sharkies and be an idiot with Camille, Josh and Ben.
A lot of stuff has changed in the last little while,but even more has changed in the past 24 hours. Maybe one day I'll get ito it.
All I can say is that I missed myself, and I'm glad I'm back.
...Yeah.

I love this boy

If there weren't ten times in your life that your best friend wanted to kill you, you wouldn't be best friends. - Taylor Craig

I can't deny that I rely on you, like yellow does on blue

This is my "happy birthday Ben" post.
see how special you are, Ben? You have your own birthday post.
...Although you wont see this for awhile on account of your computer-less lent.
Oh well, it's the thought that counts.
Also, it's the best I can do with my lack of cash, but maybe when that's not so lacking, I'll get you a gift.
ANYway, happy birthday Bennerman. I hope you had a terrific day and that you have an incredible year to follow; you deserve it.

In other news, my life is pretty mundane. Work is work-ish and life is... life-ish?
I don't know. I guess I'm just existing right now, which I know isn't good enough, but it's all I can handle right now. I've been doing terribly at keeping in contact with everyone from xlr8, and I don't even talk to Clint anymore. I feel like I'm deleting myself from my own life.

The World You Love

We're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

I have a ringing in my head
And no one to help me answer it
Even with you close enough to kiss.

Every minute is arranged
Every moment lasts a day
But thinking about it can't help me let go
I know.

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Gotta love how it's somehow all on me
All the petty scenes
And all the pretty things
Say whatever you want
'Cause I can laugh it off.

I must look like I'm running away
To you at your faster pace
I wonder what it is you could have seen
in me.

I'm the evil one who said.
Gonna let everything just happen
Just like my chest, my ears are proud
The collision is such an ugly sound.

All the petty scenes
And all the pretty things
Say whatever you want
'Cause I can laugh it off.

Kill

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

You're every line, you're every word, you're everythng

I wish I could just take on everyone's sorrow. So that no matter how much pain I would be going through, the one's around me would be at peace. Chris, one of the most important and precious people in my life, is dealing with so much hurt and despair right now and I just want to hold him until I can soak it all out of him. I owe him that much. He was that incredible bright light in my life back when I was a broken, lost 15 year old who couldn't understand why bad things happen. He always found a way to put a smile on my face, and convince me that my mom was safe and warm somewhere and that even though it hurt, he was always going to be there to hold my hand. Well, now he's the broken, lost soul and I honestly don't know if I have it in me to repair him. I'm not him. I was never the strong one. He was my angel, I don't know how to be his.
He asked me tonight why there is never salvation. I instantly burst into tears and tried to reassure him that there is salvation, it's just hard to find sometimes, but I wasn't going to rest until I was sure he'd found it.
I love him so much more than I could ever express.
Lord, bring Chris salvation. Show him hope and let him hear your voice. It was only 3 years ago when I was that small girl hidden in a dark corner and just trying to find a way out. Chris showed me that way out, and it led me to You. Lord, please, let me do that for Chris. Show him that he will NEVER be alone and he CAN find salvation. God, he's so desperate for your love and guidance, he's sending out a serious SOS, and is searching so hard for Your light. Yahweh, Save his soul.

Since way back when we sailed our inhibitions

I love the way that we laugh until we cry
Dance until we die (dance until we die)
I love the smile with which you look at me and say
"Get ready for this"

Charade

So this weekend was pretty intense. It breaks my heart so completely how much we've all been torn apart since the last XLR8. I arrived so broken and was expected them to lift me up and bandage my wounds so I could just go on a little while longer. What I was faced with instead was a group of people whom I love more than anything, the ones I just want to protect from everything impure and awful and painful. My brothers and my sisters in Christ. They were bruised and beaten and... exactly like me. Instead of bandages I got acceptance and... renewal.
I really miss everyone a lot now, but I know that this time, it'll be different. We'll stay close and we'll lift eachother up and away from the things we can't bear. We will hold hands and jump headfirst into life, and know that we're not doing it alone.
Pray for my XLR8 session, for the pain, for the joy, for their renewed spirits and new life and roots and good fruit.
And mine.

This just kept replaying over and over in my head. It just seems to fit, not just my situation, but the situation that I've found we all seem to have in common right now. But, if it's God's will, will hopefully be ending, and this will all be the start of something new and beautiful and holy.

Another day, paints on the face
That they expect to see
It’s not all I want, but it’s all I’ve got
To make this world believe
nothing’s wrong with me

I’m an artist of emotion
A master of deceit
And the many faces I portray
Are nothing at all like me
How I long to be free

From this never ending maze
Oh my head’s in a daze
Every time I think
From this overplayed charade
Oh my heart’s gonna fade
And I can’t go on

It’s a tug of war, each moment
To hide this pain inside
Or to open up and spill this cup
Of feelings that I hide
But what will people do
And what will people say
When they hear the truth will they turn and run away
Will they throw a stone or lend a shoulder to lean on

It’s not fair, I can’t take this anymore
All these tears have drifted me to shore
Is there hope for someone just like me
And I hear a voice inside me say
"I can set you free...

...From this never ending maze
I will be your strength
If you let me lead
So just, take my hand and see
If you follow me
You can be free"

I can't say what I might believe, but if God made you then he's in love with me

Sometimes I wonder if my mom ever looks down on me and shakes her head. Like I'm not her little girl anymore, or I'm not meeting the expectations she had for me. I've always been seen a certain way, and I never really minded that. Even though people have specific perceptions of me, and some of them aren't always good, I don't mind a lot of the things people assume about me. I've always been the tiny, innocent kid... and even though sometimes I feel like I'll never quite grasp the respect of those that matter to me, I like being the tiny, innocent, pure princess that people view me as. I love that person, I'm good at being that person.

Cute Is What We Aim For

Kay, so I know I'm a little bent on the past right now.. but I can't help it.
I'm looking back at old pictures from grade 11. I used to just think of that year as confusing and ridiculous and not knowing who I am or where I was going and being kinda crazy... but if I actually try to bring up bad memories, I only have, like, 3.
Instead I have great memories of picnics in May and skating with Camille and Carlye. I remember laughing in math with Karina and Dan, or whispering during terrible movies in English with Ben. I think I take some of those times for granted, because that year was actually pretty amazing. I loved pretty much every day during that year at school. Even the day my fish died and Rachel, Derek and I flushed it down the toilet in the girls bathroom, or the day of the diversity symposium when Ben made Rachel and I climb to the very highest point of Malaspina just to eat our lunch.
That summer was even incredible. It was hard at points without my dad really being an active part of my life, but hanging out with Camille all summer was definitely amazing, and I have a lot of percious memories from that time.
I guess the point of this entire post is just to say that even in the hard times, there's a lot of stuff to really cherish from every point in your life, and sometimes you just don't see it until after it passed.
I still have a lot of iffy feelings about grade 12, but I can think of a lot of great times then, too.
ie. Beating Ben at Tekken 2... 8 times.

Dance the magic dance

Have I ever told you you're amazing?
Well... yeah.

The only way to see again is let love in

Alrighty, so this morning I realized it's 2 days until XLR8 (dshnjfklsfjrj~!~~) and so I decided to check up on the facebook group. I was re-reading a lot of the older topics for about a month ago, and I read the post I wrote about being replaceable and empty and worthless. It was strange to remember how miserable I've been for so long. But what really got me, was re-reading Josh's response. I miss him so much. I just love him more than a lot of thins and I'm really excited to spend time with him again this weekend.

MOLLY-

Where to begin... Lord I love Molly so much and it breaks my heart to hear of the things shes been through, it breaks my heart to hear of the things she is still going through. Lord be the almighty comforter to Molly in these coming weeks. Surround her and fill her with true peace and comfort as it comes the anniversary of her mothers passing. let her know everyday that she walks with her mothers spirit and that her mother is with you. Comfort her dad as well because this is not easy for him either. Lord surround her in friends that will be vessels for you and show her complete and true love for her. Give her armor lord and bless her with faith and love. Lord i pray that she would know the respect she has in her friends and in her youth group and church and community. She is an amazingly smart girl who unfortunately over thinks sometimes lol but you have given her an amazing gift to write and so i ask that you would use your words through her to speak to others and to speak to herself. Let her know how much she is loved. The respect that she feels isn't coming from work is not true. That sense of unworthiness or the feeling of being replaceable are lies from satan and so i bind the tongues of the lies spoken into her life and cast them away in the name of Jesus. I bind and cast out the spirits of unworthiness out and silence them from Molly's ears forever. No words of your lies can be spoken to Molly in Jesus name Satan You have No Power, NO Right, You Have Nothing of Molly You have Nothing. Molly Is A Child Of God And You Cannot Touch Her in the name of Jesus. Lord I love Molly and so I ask that you take her safely in your arms and refresh her repair her and renew her spirit and her self worth. Blessings unlimited.
Amen.

Everything I think about makes me feel like a version of myself

Where do you draw the line between the past and the present. Where is that point that everything prior is the past and stays in the past? And is it really fair for us to assume we have the right to control that. I mean, for a very long time I had this clear defining line between my past and everything that came after. My past was physically in another town. I ran from my past as fast as I could. My mom was the past. But I mean, as much as I put the past far behind me and didn't really think back on it much (well, except the mom thing) it didn't stay in the past. I assume that I was trying very hard to shove it into a deep dark corner with the cobwebs and the anger and the fear and the uncertainty. Yet, slowly, various aspects of that "past" crept back in. I became friends with Veronica after not speaking for 3 years, I hung out with Shannon after trying fairly hard to forget our little "adventures" in high school. (late nights at Rodeo, later nights at the beach, boyfriends, break ups, and generally falling apart together) I got a new school, a new house, a new persona... a new life. The pint I'm trying to make is, as hard as I tried to make a big, thick, permanent line between my past and my present, they kind of meshed together, and I'm okay.
But what about those things we're not ready to put in the past? Those things we over analyze and think about day in and day out and wonder if they'll ever just get up and drag themselves into the box marked "past", and you can clse the box and wrap it with lots of heavy duty packing tape.

...and ship it off to Ethiopia.
Except maybe that'd be too far away.
Maybe just Halifax.
Or across town.
Or next door.
Or safely in my closet with clothes that don't fit and photos that never found their way into an album.

See what I mean?
I feel like I'll never be ready to put you in the past.

Because I lost my sense of wonder

Today was pretty high up there on my scale of stellar days.
Work may have benn just... work... but it was the first day that I've gone and not wanted to vomit everywhere everytime I paused to think of the possibility of messing up. The day actually went really well and I'm learning things slowly but surely. I always have fun with the people there, and I'm not quite sure what I'll do when some of them wont be joining me on my new shift next month, like Laura, DavRo and Jase. (but I'll still have Kim and Richard!)
Afterwork was youth group. Not just ANY youthgroup, though. It was our VERY last youth group with Shawn as our youth pastor. He's officially finito on the 4th. There were no tears today, probably because we didn't try to think about it too much. At one point Shawn may or may not have chased Josh Reno, grabbed the Salvation Army flag from off the stage, and used it as a spear... then missed, and accidentally stabbed a hole in the wall of the sanctuary... maybe.
(But if anyone asks, it was Tim Latour).
Also, the dishwasher may have caught on fire.
We're still not quite sure how that happened.
It was a pretty interesting evening, but really how could Shawn NOT leave with a bang?
After all that wrapped up, Michelle, Mike, Tyler, Timmy and I drove off to McDonalds.... and into a roadblock.
Michelle actually almost threw up on the guy (she was a liiiittle over the 'N' 1 person limit) but he just let us go after asking us where we were coming from and we said youth group. (Also, when she opened the glove compartment to get her insurance, a bible fell out).
We basically just spent almost 2 hours sitting in Mcdonalds laughing a lot and Mike begging me to buy him stuff.
So even though nothing super spectacular happened, and I'm still a little heartbroken when I think of the changes coming up in our youth group, today was pretty rad.
I'm just really thankful for all the people in my life, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

I am the villain in my own story

Kay, so I know I blog a lot about Shawn, but you know what? I don't care.
I spend more time with him than I do with most other people, except Michelle...
And people I work with because, well, I work a lot.
Tonight I went out for coffee with him, Tyler, Mike, Michelle and Josh and most of the time was spent with us just goofing off and talking about ridiculous things like how Coyote should just use the money he spends buying anvils and hire a hitman (Tyler) or how Josh should be an actor, but only play a guy on Speed (...well, Josh). While we were laughing and talking and everything, Shawn was just watching us. On the way home he told me how much he loves to watch us talk. He talked about how people always say how much they can't stand teens and how he just cannot relate, because some of his favourite times are just watching us be... us.
The sadder part of the conversation was when Shawn stopped to see if Alex got home alright, and he wasn't there. Every time I drive with Shawn, he always stops to check on Alex.
and he was like "this is the part of the job I hated. Worrying about kids tears me apart".
I told him i didn't think him not being a youth pastor will change how much he cares for people and he's like "oh i know, but i wont be able to make new relationships and get close to them so much that it hurts. Every year there's another Alex and they come and go, and they're the kids that when I leave, the relationship will fade and they'll move on. It's not lie you because I've built that connection with you and we're friends now."
It so easy to see what Shawn is thinking just by looking at him. When we looked over at him while we were laughing in Tim Hortons, he was smiling, but his eyes looked so sad. This is really rough on him right now. We have to make this transition as easy as possible for him.


//Molly\\ -|- Meshiach -|- says:
he just enjoys listening to us talk
//Molly\\ -|- Meshiach -|- says:
and he doesnt want to lose that
Chelle hearts josh mills times affinity! says:
he wont
Chelle hearts josh mills times affinity! says:
we'll make sure of that

Alone

You left too soon
I didn't even get to say goodbye
To you
And now I'm left
With only the few pictures that remain
I should have taken more when I had the time.
You're not here
But can you hear me?
The call that shattered my world
Was the voice that called you home
And now I'm left to hurt
How can I face this world alone?
So now I wait
For a chance to see your face again
Because I know this is not the end.
And I live for the day that I will walk
To Heaven and call your name
And you'll run to me through those crowded streets.
And I can hear in my heart
Your the call that shattered my world
You're the voice that called her home
And now I'm left to hurt
Only now I cry with hope
And know
I'm not alone.

I wanna read good news; I wanna be innocent again

These words consume her but they never set her free.

Time for something upbeat.
I love so much about my life. Really, truly, I feel really blessed by a lot.
I love Sunday school. I love helping Aidan write a get well soon card to his 2 year old sister. I love how it was completely his idea. I love when Holly tells me she loves me and I love Claire making her best monkey face. I love my job. I love drinking 'Neil's' hot chocolate (with sprinkles) with Kim and goofing off with DavRo.
I love Shawn. As my youth pastor and as my friend. I love going out for coffee every week, and just talking about everything on the way home from church. I love his dedication to his family. I love his family. I love how he'd die for Krista, Emma and Katie without a second thought.
Clint says he'll always be my youth pastor, no matter how much time passes, Shawn will be who I think of when I think of "my" youth pastor.
Honestly, though, I'd rather think of him as this huge force in my life. This major mentor. Then everyone can move forward and kind of embrace whoever comes to fill his place.
Right. My love thing.
I love my friends. I love Michelle and how she doesn't see any option other than good. I love Tyler, and his goal of becoming even more laid-back, ad how he doesn't use car doors anymore and just jumps through windows. I love Mike's socks with sandals and directness.
I love Carlye. So much. I wish she didn't have to hurt. I love Camille and how straight forward she is regarding her entire life. I love driving to Victoria at 2am with Carlye and Camille to go to Denny's... and realizing after that we're not even hungry.
I love how Ben is always there to listen to me. Always. I could go on for hours and he'd just listen, no matter how ridiculous I'm being. And that's most of the time. I wish I was better at letting people know how much I appreciate them.
I love Stephanie. I just thought I'd put that in here. I love how she's always treated me like an adult, even when I was nowhere close to one. I love sitting in church with her discussing how tithing plates should have ATM's on them. I love how she's really a kid at heart, in a 20-something body.
I love rain and the sun and leaves and stars and the smell of morning.
I think I want to be proposed to in the snow.