Courage

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which God will bring about in his own time--God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see.
1 Timothy 6:12-16

Rather live my life in regret than do this

When I was in grade 8, my best friend since elementary school decided I wasn't worth her time, or anyone else's and I spent the entire year kind of alienated.
About 4 months after my mom died in grade 10, my best friend decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore and I ended up switching schools because being there hurt.
About a year ago, I was having a pretty rough time. My dad was doing the disappearing act again, I'd lost someone who was really important to me for a very long time, and everything felt out of sorts.
I was at bible study one day, and someone sat me down and told me to list 10 good things about my day or my life, and 10 things I liked about myself. She told me that she was always going to be there for me so I'd better be used to it, and she wasnt going to let me be hurt anymore. She made me do that every day for about 2 months. We'd talk every night and every night before I'd go to sleep she'd make me give her my list.
Today I was sitting on that exact same couch curled up in a ball crying, and I made myself list 10 good things in my life. And it was weird, because those 3 times were huge painful time in my life that I always seem to pinpoint right away. My 3 closest friends in life disappearing. But none of those times were as bad as this moment, right now. Or that moment today, on the couch.
I guess none of those people were worth the friendships they at one time had offered.
But this time is different, and I don't know what to do.

Don't give away the end; the only thing that stays mine

I cried for the first time in awhile today. Real crying. Real tears. I cried for myself and for you, and for Ben and for the starving people in Africa and the lonely and the brokenhearted and every single person that has ever felt pain.
I don't exactly know how to describe the way I feel these days. Broken?
My heart actually hurts. It feels like someone is squeezing my chest as tight as they possibly can. I feel like curling up into a tiny ball until I disappear so I can stop... affecting things. The only affects I make are bad ones. It's like I have this little crack in my soul that makes me hurt the people I love the most. Because of the last few years, I really dislike change, and yet I find myself on this warpath to destroy everything and everyone I care about before it... I don't know, spontaneously combusts? I guess it's one of those self preservation things... but it sucks.
I guess I do it so people can't abandon me; so I can't be alone.
Well, and here's the real kicker, now I've never felt more alone in my life... and it's all my fault.


I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live not stopping
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

The Tragic of Youth and the Toy of Life

So I just got home from Grand Sessions. What an... experience.
It was basically a mix of trips to the mall, late nights with early risings,
icky asian food c/o Mrs.Sutton (chaperone extraodinaire), long ceremonies, longer waits for the elevator, fancy dresses, uncomfortable shoes, hairspray and great friends.
I'm not exactly sure where I fit into jobies anymore. I love all those girls an awful lot, but my guilt complex often just has me convinced that everyone secretly hates my guts. I was hoping it would be different in jobies, but it really isn't.
I remember a time when I belonged. Not just there, but once upon a time I belonged at youth group, too. Or when I belonged with my friends at KSS, before that ended and I ended up leaving. I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life screwing up, or searching for a place to belong. Or fearing that once I find it, I'll do what I do best, mess it up, and be back where I started.
I want to like who I am, but it's hard to when no one else really does.

cause you left the frays from the ties you severed when you say "best friends means friends forever"

I know that I have heaps and heaps to be thankful for. So any things in my life are ironing themselves out and 'm making connections with people who were so important for such a long expanse in my life. People I thought I'd never bridge those gaps with again. I love my job, my boss is so fatherly and incredible and the people are like a second family. I miss a day of work and the next day is a mixture of hugs and concerned faces. I just love the stick together-ness of it all, and how fantastic they all make me feel. Sometimes the job itself can get a bit trying, but we're always there to perk eachother up. The people I live with are tenderhearted and loving and my family is as wonderful as ever.
So all things considered, why do I feel so worn down? I have a lot. I have loving friends, giving coworkers, a compassionate family and a merciful God.
I'm healthy and my needs are provided for. I have tons of people looking out for me and willing to do anything for me, and yet it all feels so minute.
Why do I feel like I've lost the world, when I still have so much?

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe

Tonight was Metamorphosis, a full-circle-esque "one night only" type deal for all the youth in Nanaimo at 1t Baptist. Now, I was expecting it to be fairly unremarkable, which, of course, is ridiculous. Nothing from the Lord ever turns out that way.
The only youth from Slvation Army that ever howed up at first were myself (although technically I'm youth leader) Emily Larsen (although technically she's too young to be a youth), Katelyn (also a leader, and was there with work) and Mike (who technically came with the band). Pretty lame, eh?
Naturally, everyone else was fashionably late, and we were joined by Tyler, Jessy, Sarah Packwood and John Sketchley (Shelley Mcdonald and my friend Emily were also in attendance).
The speaker was Phil Cann, ho, in case you don't know, is INCREDIBLE. On top of that, he's hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. Even more, I haven't considered God in the way I was forced to consider Him tonight.
He talked bout listening to God when he tells you what to do. He talked about how great it would be if God whispered in your ear I want you to do this, I want you to go here, I want you to say these things" and how he did that with Jonah and Jonah did the opposite. And so do we. We think we know better than God; "How important can he be, his name is only 3 letters?", "he has to be wrong sometimes, and I must be right." He related it to how people are afraid o flying. You are more likely to die walking down the street than flying in a plane, (15 people die per year due to falling vending machines) yet we're scared. Why? Because we aren't in control.
We know God can do anything, He TELLS us his plans for our lives. He TELLS us what to do to be happy and do his will and gives us a blueprint, and we go the opposite way, because we'd rather be i control.
"Being Christian doesn't mean coming to church and singing worship songs that make it seem like you want Jesus to be your boyfriend, it means you actually have to give Him control. 'But that means the way my life is headed might change!' Duh."
Lord, please mold me into the person you want me to be. I want to listen to You and I want to live for You. I'm ridiculously flawed and stupid, and I don't deserve You, but please, take control of my life.

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

The Truth

Well versed in the ways of the world

they hold it all together as i stand back in envy
is there a hurting heart behind that smile...

(a world of hurting hearts
a few broken generations)

"it's not safe, stay away from... follow me's are everywhere
in a world that lacks commitment you very quickly learn
to justify your actions so follow the truth"

but it seems like they've got it all and all I have is you
they've got it, all I have is you
wait , how can I entertain these thoughts of life without you?
I'm losing my mind and with that the love of my life.

I step out my door to a beautiful day
and a world full of hate
but I still hold on to a hope for you and me
yeah I still hold on to this foolish hope

"take it or leave it it's only a matter of life or death"

A letter to somebody like you

I guess I could just say that I hate you.
But the truth is, I don't hate you, I'm not even mad at you.
I wish I was.
I think I'm a lot more upset with myself than I could ever be at anyone else.
Because in the end it all boils down to one simple fact. I let it happen.
I'm not going to lay blame on anyone because that wouldn't be fair. I'm my own person and I make my own choices. At the end of the day, the sway of other people can only take you so far.
But I will say this.
I lost everything because of you.

The collision is such an ugly sound

I had such a terrific weekend, full of cute kids and great pizza dinners with a best friend who also happen to be the most incredible guy on the planet. JYC was so much fun, I got to hang out at Ben's house and hear his wicked organ playing skills, and Alexx's family is so awesome (and gigantic) and her surprise birthday party was precious. I feel so blessed by everything in my life. I just wish I hadn't taken so much of it for granted.
I'm so sorry to everyone I have hurt.
Not just lately, but ever.
I've done so many stupid things in my life, and I've said some ridiculous stuff. If I could take it all back, I would. Not because I want to turn back time, but because I wish no one ever had to feel pain. I've felt so much pain in these past few years that sometimes I feel like it's all just killing me, an I've always told myself that no one should have to feel any hurt. Yet I somehow find the ability inside myself to hurt other people and justify it by the fact that they love me or that grace will save me. Even if they forgive me and continue on loving me, it doesn't mean that for that moment, I wasn't hurting them.
Olivia Munn told us how good trees cannot bear bad fruit and bad trees cannot bear good fruit.
I guess it's pretty clear which tree I am now.

Jedi Mind-Trickery

Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
Anyway, I'm leaving this computer for dead, and am going to embrace life outside.
Molla ][And it's a long way home from here][ says:
may the force be with you
Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
The force is like an analogy for the holy spirit right?
Molla ][And it's a long way home from here][ says:
obvs
Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
Alright, thanks.

I guess I should consider it a good sign that I'm crying for the first time in more than a month, but I don't. I just want to be happy again. I want to know without a doubt that you love me and I want everything to be the way it used to be.
I can feel things again, but I don't like what I'm feeling.

Jumping Jehosiphet

Today Major Joan had a troke at church; scariest thing ever.
Hardcore prayer needed there.
I really miss Ben. And I know we spend a decent amount of time sending ridiculously emotional text messages, but I miss being ble to just hang out with him every day like in highschool. That is not saying, however, that I miss highschool. But I do miss some of the things that came with it. One of them being the ability to just sit in Sharkies and be an idiot with Camille, Josh and Ben.
A lot of stuff has changed in the last little while,but even more has changed in the past 24 hours. Maybe one day I'll get ito it.
All I can say is that I missed myself, and I'm glad I'm back.
...Yeah.

I love this boy

If there weren't ten times in your life that your best friend wanted to kill you, you wouldn't be best friends. - Taylor Craig

I can't deny that I rely on you, like yellow does on blue

This is my "happy birthday Ben" post.
see how special you are, Ben? You have your own birthday post.
...Although you wont see this for awhile on account of your computer-less lent.
Oh well, it's the thought that counts.
Also, it's the best I can do with my lack of cash, but maybe when that's not so lacking, I'll get you a gift.
ANYway, happy birthday Bennerman. I hope you had a terrific day and that you have an incredible year to follow; you deserve it.

In other news, my life is pretty mundane. Work is work-ish and life is... life-ish?
I don't know. I guess I'm just existing right now, which I know isn't good enough, but it's all I can handle right now. I've been doing terribly at keeping in contact with everyone from xlr8, and I don't even talk to Clint anymore. I feel like I'm deleting myself from my own life.

The World You Love

We're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

I have a ringing in my head
And no one to help me answer it
Even with you close enough to kiss.

Every minute is arranged
Every moment lasts a day
But thinking about it can't help me let go
I know.

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Gotta love how it's somehow all on me
All the petty scenes
And all the pretty things
Say whatever you want
'Cause I can laugh it off.

I must look like I'm running away
To you at your faster pace
I wonder what it is you could have seen
in me.

I'm the evil one who said.
Gonna let everything just happen
Just like my chest, my ears are proud
The collision is such an ugly sound.

All the petty scenes
And all the pretty things
Say whatever you want
'Cause I can laugh it off.

Kill

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

You're every line, you're every word, you're everythng

I wish I could just take on everyone's sorrow. So that no matter how much pain I would be going through, the one's around me would be at peace. Chris, one of the most important and precious people in my life, is dealing with so much hurt and despair right now and I just want to hold him until I can soak it all out of him. I owe him that much. He was that incredible bright light in my life back when I was a broken, lost 15 year old who couldn't understand why bad things happen. He always found a way to put a smile on my face, and convince me that my mom was safe and warm somewhere and that even though it hurt, he was always going to be there to hold my hand. Well, now he's the broken, lost soul and I honestly don't know if I have it in me to repair him. I'm not him. I was never the strong one. He was my angel, I don't know how to be his.
He asked me tonight why there is never salvation. I instantly burst into tears and tried to reassure him that there is salvation, it's just hard to find sometimes, but I wasn't going to rest until I was sure he'd found it.
I love him so much more than I could ever express.
Lord, bring Chris salvation. Show him hope and let him hear your voice. It was only 3 years ago when I was that small girl hidden in a dark corner and just trying to find a way out. Chris showed me that way out, and it led me to You. Lord, please, let me do that for Chris. Show him that he will NEVER be alone and he CAN find salvation. God, he's so desperate for your love and guidance, he's sending out a serious SOS, and is searching so hard for Your light. Yahweh, Save his soul.

Since way back when we sailed our inhibitions

I love the way that we laugh until we cry
Dance until we die (dance until we die)
I love the smile with which you look at me and say
"Get ready for this"

Charade

So this weekend was pretty intense. It breaks my heart so completely how much we've all been torn apart since the last XLR8. I arrived so broken and was expected them to lift me up and bandage my wounds so I could just go on a little while longer. What I was faced with instead was a group of people whom I love more than anything, the ones I just want to protect from everything impure and awful and painful. My brothers and my sisters in Christ. They were bruised and beaten and... exactly like me. Instead of bandages I got acceptance and... renewal.
I really miss everyone a lot now, but I know that this time, it'll be different. We'll stay close and we'll lift eachother up and away from the things we can't bear. We will hold hands and jump headfirst into life, and know that we're not doing it alone.
Pray for my XLR8 session, for the pain, for the joy, for their renewed spirits and new life and roots and good fruit.
And mine.

This just kept replaying over and over in my head. It just seems to fit, not just my situation, but the situation that I've found we all seem to have in common right now. But, if it's God's will, will hopefully be ending, and this will all be the start of something new and beautiful and holy.

Another day, paints on the face
That they expect to see
It’s not all I want, but it’s all I’ve got
To make this world believe
nothing’s wrong with me

I’m an artist of emotion
A master of deceit
And the many faces I portray
Are nothing at all like me
How I long to be free

From this never ending maze
Oh my head’s in a daze
Every time I think
From this overplayed charade
Oh my heart’s gonna fade
And I can’t go on

It’s a tug of war, each moment
To hide this pain inside
Or to open up and spill this cup
Of feelings that I hide
But what will people do
And what will people say
When they hear the truth will they turn and run away
Will they throw a stone or lend a shoulder to lean on

It’s not fair, I can’t take this anymore
All these tears have drifted me to shore
Is there hope for someone just like me
And I hear a voice inside me say
"I can set you free...

...From this never ending maze
I will be your strength
If you let me lead
So just, take my hand and see
If you follow me
You can be free"