On a side note

I missed laughter. It feels good to laugh again.

Still a baby in a cradle gotta take my first fall, but baby's getting nowhere with her back against the wall

Alright, so I fully realize that I've posted about 50 gillion entries tonight... but I have a lot to...uh... muse.
Besides, I'm rocking out to Sara Bareille's album, which can totally bring inspiration out of anybody.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about home. Not the house I live in, but my home. Or your home, or your 3rd grade music teachers home, or Barak Obama's home. The idea of home.
My favourite quote, as most people know, since I bring it up fairly often, is from the movie Garden State.
You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? ... that idea of home is gone ... Maybe that's all family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
However, lately, the more I think about it, the more I figure that maybe we have more than one home. The difference between a physical home, a shelter that we reside in, and a more spiritual, emotional home is that a home is a sort of environment... "a valued place offering security and happiness." More than that, though, I think it offers lessons.
I mean, think of the places that, at some point, you've considered your home, before it adjusted and your views of your home changed.
I think the places you do, or at one time did, consider home all have one thing in common. They honed some skill. You learned something. You grew or got hurt and learned to heal or you witnessed a miracle and it still stayed in your heart.
I believe our homes change, not because we relocate, or our parents divorce, or someone new enters our niche. I think they change as we change. I think we grow and learn and polish our character and make the choices on who we want to be. And once that happens, we outgrow our old home, like a crab, and have to search for a new home to learn and grow in.

honey, honey, honey, you're the death of me; won't stop holding my hands down

So I've had plans to go away for awhile lately. To get O-U-T, OUT of Nanaimo, in the hopes that the stress that's causing me to keel over in pain/emotional-strain will subside. And yet, when the option was presented to me, I freaked. It wasn't a very reliable way out, granted, but it was a WAY. I realized then that I didn't want out of here, I love this place. This place saved me. One day, I will move on, I'll be a big girl and go out into the world and travel and fall in love and have my heart broken and do all those other wonderful things... but right now, I just want to get out on my own in the city I know and love with my friends I treasure and take the world with them.

post-script: yeah, yeah, I know... there's more to it. I wouldn't dare keep THAT from you. Something is keeping me here. And as I figure out exactly what that is, you'll be the first to know... As soon as I narrow down what... or rather, who... Furthermore... which who?


♥

Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.
Here's a simplification of everything we're going though
You plus me is bad news
But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too
But my friend said I look better without you.
Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.

Cause it'll change with the season and you'll be the reason why

Every single year since before I can remember, winter has always been that lull between optimisms. I can look back on journal entries from back when I was 13 and it holds true. Winter always meant more drama with friends, more lame depressions over the opposite sex, more negativity towards my mom, my dad, my brother, myself.
Every year, like clockwork, the excitement over a new year subsides, the temperature drops, the snow falls, and for a moment, it's peaceful. As much as December brings forth a lot of pain and regret regarding my mom's wintery death, it also brings a lot of reflection. I can stand out in the snow and feel so clear and fresh, and feel like she's right beside me.
However, after that passes, the chill and the bitterness of the season just seem to stretch on. Winter always seems to drag it's feet. I always lose a bit of my hope that the sun and the warmth will ever return.
But it always does, and this year is no different.
I looked outside today and watched the sun glistening on the pavement. I saw the little girl across the street teaching her brother to ride a tricycle. I saw a shadows cast by appletrees and felt the sun warming my shoulders. And I reflected on my life. Nothing has really changed. Same friends (albeit some new ones), same boys (well, not since I was 13, but you get the gist), same parents (whether they walk with us, or with the J-man), same socially-lacking, sometimes aggravating, wonderful, loving, brother. Same overanalytical, heart-locked-up-in-a-steel-box-with-lots-of-deadbolts me. But everything seems so much less extreme with the sun streaming through the window and sizzling on the streets.
I feel like I never want to leave here. The past few months I've had moments that I've wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my room, and days when I just want to run away to the furthest corner of the earth. Away from regret and disappointment and guilt and mixed signals.
But now I just want to lie back on warm beaches with my incredible friends laughing and enjoy being young and in God's grace.

ps. For the record, Carlye and I are FAN-FLIPPIN-TASTIC

CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
i have a confession.
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
i enjoy the new miley cyrus song.
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
ohmygoshmetoo.
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
i thought i was the only one
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...over 15
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
me and michelle love it
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahahahaa
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
"the next time we hang out, i will redeem myselffff"
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
"my best friend leslie says she's just being miley"
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...ive never met a leslie
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...under 45
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahaha
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
and who wasnt a lesbian
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahahahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hey, we dont know about leslie
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
except shes ,like, 15
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
i wanted to post this in my blog, but i dont want to offend the heterosexual leslie's of the world
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahahahaa

Time and Confusion

I was reading your blog a few minutes ago and it made me cry.
I'm not sure what kind of tears they were... but they were there.
I wish things were still like that.
Not for me; for you.
You were happy once.
We all were.
I don't want you to hurt anymore.

Courage

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which God will bring about in his own time--God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see.
1 Timothy 6:12-16

Rather live my life in regret than do this

When I was in grade 8, my best friend since elementary school decided I wasn't worth her time, or anyone else's and I spent the entire year kind of alienated.
About 4 months after my mom died in grade 10, my best friend decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore and I ended up switching schools because being there hurt.
About a year ago, I was having a pretty rough time. My dad was doing the disappearing act again, I'd lost someone who was really important to me for a very long time, and everything felt out of sorts.
I was at bible study one day, and someone sat me down and told me to list 10 good things about my day or my life, and 10 things I liked about myself. She told me that she was always going to be there for me so I'd better be used to it, and she wasnt going to let me be hurt anymore. She made me do that every day for about 2 months. We'd talk every night and every night before I'd go to sleep she'd make me give her my list.
Today I was sitting on that exact same couch curled up in a ball crying, and I made myself list 10 good things in my life. And it was weird, because those 3 times were huge painful time in my life that I always seem to pinpoint right away. My 3 closest friends in life disappearing. But none of those times were as bad as this moment, right now. Or that moment today, on the couch.
I guess none of those people were worth the friendships they at one time had offered.
But this time is different, and I don't know what to do.

Don't give away the end; the only thing that stays mine

I cried for the first time in awhile today. Real crying. Real tears. I cried for myself and for you, and for Ben and for the starving people in Africa and the lonely and the brokenhearted and every single person that has ever felt pain.
I don't exactly know how to describe the way I feel these days. Broken?
My heart actually hurts. It feels like someone is squeezing my chest as tight as they possibly can. I feel like curling up into a tiny ball until I disappear so I can stop... affecting things. The only affects I make are bad ones. It's like I have this little crack in my soul that makes me hurt the people I love the most. Because of the last few years, I really dislike change, and yet I find myself on this warpath to destroy everything and everyone I care about before it... I don't know, spontaneously combusts? I guess it's one of those self preservation things... but it sucks.
I guess I do it so people can't abandon me; so I can't be alone.
Well, and here's the real kicker, now I've never felt more alone in my life... and it's all my fault.


I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live not stopping
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

The Tragic of Youth and the Toy of Life

So I just got home from Grand Sessions. What an... experience.
It was basically a mix of trips to the mall, late nights with early risings,
icky asian food c/o Mrs.Sutton (chaperone extraodinaire), long ceremonies, longer waits for the elevator, fancy dresses, uncomfortable shoes, hairspray and great friends.
I'm not exactly sure where I fit into jobies anymore. I love all those girls an awful lot, but my guilt complex often just has me convinced that everyone secretly hates my guts. I was hoping it would be different in jobies, but it really isn't.
I remember a time when I belonged. Not just there, but once upon a time I belonged at youth group, too. Or when I belonged with my friends at KSS, before that ended and I ended up leaving. I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life screwing up, or searching for a place to belong. Or fearing that once I find it, I'll do what I do best, mess it up, and be back where I started.
I want to like who I am, but it's hard to when no one else really does.

cause you left the frays from the ties you severed when you say "best friends means friends forever"

I know that I have heaps and heaps to be thankful for. So any things in my life are ironing themselves out and 'm making connections with people who were so important for such a long expanse in my life. People I thought I'd never bridge those gaps with again. I love my job, my boss is so fatherly and incredible and the people are like a second family. I miss a day of work and the next day is a mixture of hugs and concerned faces. I just love the stick together-ness of it all, and how fantastic they all make me feel. Sometimes the job itself can get a bit trying, but we're always there to perk eachother up. The people I live with are tenderhearted and loving and my family is as wonderful as ever.
So all things considered, why do I feel so worn down? I have a lot. I have loving friends, giving coworkers, a compassionate family and a merciful God.
I'm healthy and my needs are provided for. I have tons of people looking out for me and willing to do anything for me, and yet it all feels so minute.
Why do I feel like I've lost the world, when I still have so much?

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe

Tonight was Metamorphosis, a full-circle-esque "one night only" type deal for all the youth in Nanaimo at 1t Baptist. Now, I was expecting it to be fairly unremarkable, which, of course, is ridiculous. Nothing from the Lord ever turns out that way.
The only youth from Slvation Army that ever howed up at first were myself (although technically I'm youth leader) Emily Larsen (although technically she's too young to be a youth), Katelyn (also a leader, and was there with work) and Mike (who technically came with the band). Pretty lame, eh?
Naturally, everyone else was fashionably late, and we were joined by Tyler, Jessy, Sarah Packwood and John Sketchley (Shelley Mcdonald and my friend Emily were also in attendance).
The speaker was Phil Cann, ho, in case you don't know, is INCREDIBLE. On top of that, he's hilarious. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. Even more, I haven't considered God in the way I was forced to consider Him tonight.
He talked bout listening to God when he tells you what to do. He talked about how great it would be if God whispered in your ear I want you to do this, I want you to go here, I want you to say these things" and how he did that with Jonah and Jonah did the opposite. And so do we. We think we know better than God; "How important can he be, his name is only 3 letters?", "he has to be wrong sometimes, and I must be right." He related it to how people are afraid o flying. You are more likely to die walking down the street than flying in a plane, (15 people die per year due to falling vending machines) yet we're scared. Why? Because we aren't in control.
We know God can do anything, He TELLS us his plans for our lives. He TELLS us what to do to be happy and do his will and gives us a blueprint, and we go the opposite way, because we'd rather be i control.
"Being Christian doesn't mean coming to church and singing worship songs that make it seem like you want Jesus to be your boyfriend, it means you actually have to give Him control. 'But that means the way my life is headed might change!' Duh."
Lord, please mold me into the person you want me to be. I want to listen to You and I want to live for You. I'm ridiculously flawed and stupid, and I don't deserve You, but please, take control of my life.

You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
You and I embrace surrender
You and I choose to believe
You and I will see who we were meant to be

The Truth

Well versed in the ways of the world

they hold it all together as i stand back in envy
is there a hurting heart behind that smile...

(a world of hurting hearts
a few broken generations)

"it's not safe, stay away from... follow me's are everywhere
in a world that lacks commitment you very quickly learn
to justify your actions so follow the truth"

but it seems like they've got it all and all I have is you
they've got it, all I have is you
wait , how can I entertain these thoughts of life without you?
I'm losing my mind and with that the love of my life.

I step out my door to a beautiful day
and a world full of hate
but I still hold on to a hope for you and me
yeah I still hold on to this foolish hope

"take it or leave it it's only a matter of life or death"

A letter to somebody like you

I guess I could just say that I hate you.
But the truth is, I don't hate you, I'm not even mad at you.
I wish I was.
I think I'm a lot more upset with myself than I could ever be at anyone else.
Because in the end it all boils down to one simple fact. I let it happen.
I'm not going to lay blame on anyone because that wouldn't be fair. I'm my own person and I make my own choices. At the end of the day, the sway of other people can only take you so far.
But I will say this.
I lost everything because of you.

The collision is such an ugly sound

I had such a terrific weekend, full of cute kids and great pizza dinners with a best friend who also happen to be the most incredible guy on the planet. JYC was so much fun, I got to hang out at Ben's house and hear his wicked organ playing skills, and Alexx's family is so awesome (and gigantic) and her surprise birthday party was precious. I feel so blessed by everything in my life. I just wish I hadn't taken so much of it for granted.
I'm so sorry to everyone I have hurt.
Not just lately, but ever.
I've done so many stupid things in my life, and I've said some ridiculous stuff. If I could take it all back, I would. Not because I want to turn back time, but because I wish no one ever had to feel pain. I've felt so much pain in these past few years that sometimes I feel like it's all just killing me, an I've always told myself that no one should have to feel any hurt. Yet I somehow find the ability inside myself to hurt other people and justify it by the fact that they love me or that grace will save me. Even if they forgive me and continue on loving me, it doesn't mean that for that moment, I wasn't hurting them.
Olivia Munn told us how good trees cannot bear bad fruit and bad trees cannot bear good fruit.
I guess it's pretty clear which tree I am now.

Jedi Mind-Trickery

Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
Anyway, I'm leaving this computer for dead, and am going to embrace life outside.
Molla ][And it's a long way home from here][ says:
may the force be with you
Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
The force is like an analogy for the holy spirit right?
Molla ][And it's a long way home from here][ says:
obvs
Taylor FRIDAYSATURDAYOFF says:
Alright, thanks.

I guess I should consider it a good sign that I'm crying for the first time in more than a month, but I don't. I just want to be happy again. I want to know without a doubt that you love me and I want everything to be the way it used to be.
I can feel things again, but I don't like what I'm feeling.

Jumping Jehosiphet

Today Major Joan had a troke at church; scariest thing ever.
Hardcore prayer needed there.
I really miss Ben. And I know we spend a decent amount of time sending ridiculously emotional text messages, but I miss being ble to just hang out with him every day like in highschool. That is not saying, however, that I miss highschool. But I do miss some of the things that came with it. One of them being the ability to just sit in Sharkies and be an idiot with Camille, Josh and Ben.
A lot of stuff has changed in the last little while,but even more has changed in the past 24 hours. Maybe one day I'll get ito it.
All I can say is that I missed myself, and I'm glad I'm back.
...Yeah.

I love this boy

If there weren't ten times in your life that your best friend wanted to kill you, you wouldn't be best friends. - Taylor Craig

I can't deny that I rely on you, like yellow does on blue

This is my "happy birthday Ben" post.
see how special you are, Ben? You have your own birthday post.
...Although you wont see this for awhile on account of your computer-less lent.
Oh well, it's the thought that counts.
Also, it's the best I can do with my lack of cash, but maybe when that's not so lacking, I'll get you a gift.
ANYway, happy birthday Bennerman. I hope you had a terrific day and that you have an incredible year to follow; you deserve it.

In other news, my life is pretty mundane. Work is work-ish and life is... life-ish?
I don't know. I guess I'm just existing right now, which I know isn't good enough, but it's all I can handle right now. I've been doing terribly at keeping in contact with everyone from xlr8, and I don't even talk to Clint anymore. I feel like I'm deleting myself from my own life.