The truth is so undeniable

Found this blog posting from May 2nd, 2 years ago.
I was pretty intense for a 16 year old.


I was thinking today.
I was thinking about special feelings; good and bad.
The kind of feeling you get once in a blue moon.. or the bad feeling that you get, sometimes too often.
Like when you make a new bestfriend; you know, the time you realize while talking/laughing with/crying to, a close friend, that "wow they're my best friend."
But what about those other times... the special times, the rare and beautiful friendships. When you meet someone and you know, they're going to be my friend forever.
I remember feeling that, knowing that, when I met Rachel.
Well, no.
When I first met Rachel, we hated eachother.
But when we first realized how amazing we found the other to be... our first little inside jokes (HE DECLARED) how excited we were when we'd see eachother each month.. those feelings.
I just... knew.

There's always the not so good feelings.
Like that time when you realize that your friendship with someone is changing.
Or that time when you discover you don't love a boyfriend or girlfriend anymore.. not like you used to.
The sudden, unwanted changes of heart.
And then there's the only ones worse...
the times when you see it coming.
When you know.... this is changing...
when you know there's nothing you can do.
When your heart sinks and your stomach turns... and you just have to get on with life.

That's happened to me a few time in life.
I'm grateful that it hasn't happened more.
Whether it's a friend, or something more...
it's never easy.
But be thankful for those other special moments.
Special friends, true loves, grade 3 crushes, second chances.
Be mindful too, of the pain.
Lost friends, broken hearts, unfair disadvantages.

Live your life...
but never forget the little things.

I hear You calling me; You want to set me free with Your love

Sometimes I wonder why I'm such a terrible hypocrite.
I mean, I just spent the past 3 hours talking to my friend about how he can't believe the lies spoken over him. That he is good and kind and has never been anything short of wonderful to me. It breaks my heart to know that he doesn't see that. All he feels is his brokenness, and all he sees are his failures. I put my heart into trying to show him the truth, and to be stronger than the lies.
And yet, I cannot rise up against my own.
I worry that I'll always be the wounded little girl who's mother died and who's father didn't know how to do anything but lie to her and run away. That I'll always feel like people are going to abandon me, and that there must be something wrong with me, if people only ever want to leave.
I won't stand for it any more.
I'm tired of feeling worthless.
I have worth and I am perfect because of a refiner's fire.
As heartbreaking as my conversations with said friend can be, it brings such joy to my life to know that he has God in his life, as well, and I will be forever thankful for how he has reminded me to practice what I preach.

Lennie Low P2

Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
in short, I guess little Molly's all grown up, eh?
√L3NN! says:
seems as such
√L3NN! says:
you were always most resistant
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
haha to what?
√L3NN! says:
growing up
√L3NN! says:
not in the stay a kid sorta way
√L3NN! says:
just in the everything's meaningless sorta way
√L3NN! says:
pointless, immaturity in mature situations of being an adult
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
I have no idea what that means, or if I'm totally being insulted
√L3NN! says:
really tired
√L3NN! says:
no
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
haha
√L3NN! says:
see
√L3NN! says:
im just making much less sense now that i need sleep
√L3NN! says:
you were always awesome molly <33

Lennie Low

Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Do you ever feel like you've lived 300 lives?
√L3NN! says:
no, but i feel 19 years old
√L3NN! says:
i feel very much like this is my first life
√L3NN! says:
and its the first time any of this has ever existed
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Random, I know... but like, when I talk to you, it's so bizarre. Because way back when, we spent hours on the phone, talking until one of us fell asleep, and hung out every day and all this crazy stuff. We knew everything about eachother. There were no secrets. We were like... in sync.
And now we're complete strangers.
√L3NN! says:
yeah, i think about things like that
√L3NN! says:
and how even though its been our life, its been broken up into so many completely different pieces that don't really fit together if looked at on the whole

Turner

Alright. So as positively draining as it is to spend 14 straight hours tending to the needs of 2 toddlers and a pair of 7.5 year old's with serious schemes ALWAYS brewing in their little heads, I can't think of many things I'd rather do than spend my time with the Turner kids.
Despite Kiana's bossiness, Kiran's temper tantrums, Olivia's terrible twos, and Madison's teething, those kids are incredible. I pretty much swoon every time Kiana hugs me and tells me she wants to be just like me when she's my age (never thought I'd hear that one), or Olivia calls out "Molly! Molly!" and when I respond with a distracted "yes, Livvie?" she blows a slobbery 2 year old kiss and says "I love you!" Or the first time a huge grin spread across Maddie's face when she woke up and saw me standing by her crib. That girl is such an angel. I love her 4 teeth, her giggle, how she bounces whenever she can grab hold of anything sturdy, and how her strawberry blond hair is more like fuzz than anything else.
I also love Kiran's unbelievable innocence and how Kiana has way more maturity than any 8 year old I've ever met. She's so grounded, and I love how Kiran's a little dreamer.
And how he innocently asked me tonight if I had a boyfriend, and when I told him I certainly did not, he replied with "oh... good."
I love the talks I have with Barb when she drives me home every night about how she's worried about how much she works with her company, and whether her kids know that she does it because she loves them so much. I love reassuring her that her kids know how hard she works and that she's teaching them with her actions all about dedication, hard work, and love.
And how I admire the way that after working from 5am til 9pm, she still stays up til 1am making the kids homemade muffins for breakfast and fixing Kiran's broken hockeystick.

I love that entire family in more ways than I could ever possibly express.

Cause it'll change with the season and you'll be the reason why

I miss you.
I remember we used to sit down and talk about everything.
You wouldn't let me walk away until I told you EXACTLY what was wrong.
We haven't talked in MONTHS. I see you enough, and sometimes you even ask me how I am... but when my answer is merely "fine", you seem completely content with that answer, and go on your merry way. A year ago, 6 months ago, I never would have gotten away with that answer.
I've been hurting a lot lately, and I'm not going to convince myself that you just didn't notice. I've seen you notice, and sometimes that's even worse than you just not noticing me. The fact that you just choose to disregard me instead. We don't even know who you are anymore. You were like a father to me for 3 years of my life. You were that to so many people, but they seem to be all the people that mean nothing to you anymore.
Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all this. But would you even hear me?

I hear You calling me; You want to set me free with Your love

Lately I've been thinking about the past.
Not the recent past, that's more like a nightmare I'd much rather forget.
Not the far off past either; back when my mom hugged me and I spent my weekends hanging out in the shed behind Shannsy's house. I'm thinking a lot about last year. Back when we were so full of the Holy Spirit. When we would sit at the beach praying, or stay at the church after bible study until the silent alarm went off because we were crying too hard. Or when we would get kicked out of the church we would sit out in the cold in front of the building, because we just weren't finished.
Now, bible study barely happens. When people actually show up, we sometimes have a topic, sometimes a pretty good one... but when was the last time we all prayed together?
I go to the beach every couple of days with Michelle, but we sit in her car discussing life and work and boys. I miss that community. I miss leaning on one another. We see eachother all the time, but the priorities aren't what they used to be. We're all fighting this battle and growing with Jesus, I have no doubt about that. But why can't we fight together?

This Is Love

So I was thinking today about the other day when I was driving with my friend. We were talking about how we don't NEED boyfriends, but maybe we just WANT them. And how she's sure that she's ready since her last relationship. We drove around, considering the idea... but I realized today that I not only don't need a boyfriend, but it would be in my best interest not to have one.
I mean, I can fully admit that about 6 months ago I was ready. I believe that the moment you stop wanting a relationship, you're ready for one. Because you no longer feel that it is a necessity. If you can't be alone, you shouldn't be with someone else. It wont make it easier.
So now I'm back where I started. And I know that if I get into anything now, it wont be for any of the right reasons. And I'm not going to start reasoning my way around this. That's how I got myself into this mess.
Besides, who needs a boyfriend, when I have the purest form of love surrounding me 24/7?


Gracious Father you have called me
Coming closer
Your arm around me is the one true thing
That I know

So help me believe
Help me believe
This is the truth you've spoken over me

This is love that you have loved me
This is love that you have set me free
This is love that you have met me
As I am, as You are
So your love whispers to my heart

You still want me
When I'm broken
So I'm open
To hear you speak my name
Call me out on my shame
Into your grace

Cause you set me free
You set me free
With the truth you've spoken over me

This is love that you have loved me
This is love that you have set me free
This is love that you have met me
As I am, as You are
So your love restores to my heart

This is love, oh this is love
This is love, oh this is love.

Exclusive Best Friends

Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I don't know if she likes me or not.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Or what to do about it.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
...ask her?
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Haha, yeah.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I wanna sit down and be like, so I like you, but I know you're not exactly the relationship type, but we enjoy our time together, so why not just be exclusive best friends? And work something out about not being long distance.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
exclusive best friends?
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
I'm interested to hear the definition of that gem
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Lol
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
It's like, friends, that aren't dating, but will eventually, and won't date other people. Like dibs-ing.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
You want to "Dibs" another human being?
...she's not a seat on the school bus, or the last blue freezie
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Well I know!
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I just don't know if either of us want to be dating RIGHT NOW.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Alright Craig, if you say so.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I just like hanging out, and maybe I'd like to kiss her now and then. We hold hands and cuddle and stuff. We have tons of fun together.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Don't you hold hands and cuddle with everyone?
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
A lot of people.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Well..
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
No.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Not lately.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I held hands with Ben last night.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Hey, no shame, Ben's a looker.

Desperate, we will lift up our hands

So, I still hate money.
hate hate HATE.
I was discussing all my dreams last night with Luke. About how I want to go to Seattle Pacific or Davis, or even Columbia (in... wait for it... Abbotsford...ugh)
How I want to study Journalism and Literature and Theatre and Theology. That I don't want to let go of my dream to be a screenwriter or journalist, or how maybe I can one day gain enough influence to actually make a difference. Make people listen. Or maybe, God willing, even get the chance to get into Video Journalism.
As Luke was relating his dreams of traveling the world taking photos, I felt my heart breaking. I would love to go to school and learn and grow and travel. It'd be so awesome to zoom around the world with Luke, molding what I see into descriptive sentences and pairing them with his glossy photographs. It would be a dream come true. But deep down, I know that's all it is. A dream. I don't have the money or the means to get into Davis. I'm about 20 grand short. Probably more. People like me don't get into amazing schools like that. Don't travel the world, moving people with their words. They don't even stay grounded in their suffocatingly familiar province and do all that.
They sit behind a desk in a dreary office, building up their pension until they're 65 and can take a cruise to Alaska and then maybe buy a condo in a retirement village like Qualicum.
Huzzah.

My So-Called Disappointment

I think that if they knew the last episode of My So-Called Life was going to be the last one, then during that pivotal moment where Brian Krakow admits to writing the beautiful love letter to Angela, it just should have ended in them sharing an epic cinematic kiss.
I mean, come on, she kissed Jordan when she thought he;d written it. They made out in the hallway before homeroom.
It's just not fair.
My love for you is eternal, Brian Krakow.



Dear Angela,

I know in the past I've caused you pain, and I'm sorry. And I'll always be sorry til the day I die. And I hate this pen I'm holding, because I should be holding you. And I hate this paper under my hand because it isn't you. I even hate this letter because it's not the whole truth. Because the whole truth is so much more than a letter can even say. If you wanna hate me, go ahead. If you wanna burn this letter, do it. You could burn the whole world down. You could tell me to go to hell. I'd go. If you wanted me to. And I'd send you a letter from there.

Sincerely,

Jordan Catalano

Hide behind your half smile but the truth is so undeniable

Despite some things that aren't picture perfect in my life right now, I look out the window at the bright street and listen to the happy bird songs and I wonder how someone couldn't feel so blessed today.
The warmth of summer always manages to brighten up my heart and soul, without fail.
I can't wait for the summer to get into full swing. Friends, laughter, and love.
Life is never perfect, but as I sit here and the sun warms my face, I wonder how anything could possibly go wrong when the world is feeling this glorious.

Infatuation Turning Into Disease

So I realized something pretty huge today. I thought, in passing, of my mom.
In passing.
It was bizarre. I was sitting listening to my ipod and I was like "hey, at one point in time, I had a mother" and it was the craziest thing. Not because I forgot or anything. I blogged about her death last night, and I glanced at her photo album last night as I was climbing into bed.
It's not as if I forgot she ever existed, or that she doesn't anymore, so much.
It was the realization that I'm not in mourning. I mention her, I think about her while listening to my ipod, and I'm sad... but it's more of an "aw shucks, I miss that lady" than the old "how will I ever survive without her?".
I used to wonder daily is I'd ever be a normal girl with normal problems. Boys, school, friends... without the underlying mom drama. Everything seemed so juvenile in comparison. Sometimes I wonder if that's how I kept out of trouble for all those years, and steered clear of my boy induced dramas, because I was too busy focusing on my lack of maternal slush.
And now as I reflect on the past few months, I had a bit of a revelation.
I am a normal girl with normal boy drama, friend drama, drama drama.
And I realized something else... it blows.
I'm so tremendously grateful to God for removing that ache from my heart and providing me with the strength to move on.
But come on now, throw me a bone here!
I'm new to this teenage girl thing, remember?

Oi.

I don't need a miracle to believe

Michelle Marie Latour


Never give up on or doubt yourself.
Don't second guess who you are or anything you stand for,
You're beautiful and I live to hear you giggle.
I pray you never lose that sparkle in your eye.
You're a superstar, and never EVER think you're anything less.
Don't settle. Only accept the best.
Only the one who fits each of your requirements.
You deserve only the best.
Heck , we both do.
I'm so proud of you.
Never doubt that either, kay?
I love you, Chellebaby.
Bestfriends.

Even in the crashing down, I can hear redeption calling

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:32-33

In this world you will have trouble.

That sentence isn't the kind ready for open interpretation. It doesn't leave you unsure of where you stand or it's meaning. It's simple and to the point.
In this world, in this life, you will have trouble. You will strive and you will fail, you will hurt and cry and mess up countless times and break hearts and have your own shattered. You will wake up some mornings and not want to get out of bed. Crap happens.
But take heart!
Do not fear! Dry your tears and rejoice!
I have overcome the world.
King of Kings, Lord of Lords. The Creator, Alpha and Omega, has overcome this world, this life, this trouble, torment and pain.
That sentence is as simple and concrete as the first.
Take heart! I have overcome the world.

I've been thinking a lot about this verse in particular lately. In this world you will have trouble.
Not maybe... You will.
Absolutely, no doubt about it.
Hold on tight.
I think back to all the times in my life when I have felt alone and hopeless and wondering if it will ever get better. The days, weeks and months after my mom passed away, I was certain that feeling in the pit of my stomach would never go away. That despair and emptiness that remained in her absence. I only recently remembered how much I used to refer to that emptiness. And only then did I notice that it's gone. I started to think back, way back, to before my mom passed away. When I look back at pictures from back then, I barely recognize myself. I was the tiny girl (yeah, yeah, still tiny) with the longest, blondest hair and the sparkle in my eye. I was the one who sat on the phone with my friends for hours telling them that it would get better, as long as they had faith.
The more I thought about it, the more I knew. It wasn't my lack of a mother that had me feeling empty for those passing weeks and months. It was my lack of faith. I'd lost my hope and my belief that it would get better.
I've had a lot of those moments since then, trust me.
Life will never be a walk in the park. There will always be trouble. But God has defeated this world, Jesus has battled the trouble and won.
Take heart. I have overcome the world.

Beautiful To Me --- 2 Corinthians 6:14

So today we had a bible study on, what else? Relationships.
Chelle was leading it (and did SUCH an incredible job; I'm so freaking proud of her) and we talked about what we thought relationship meant, about having a relationship that glorifies God.
At one point someone asked why we were talking about how hard it is to date non-Christians. Chelle, Carlye and I started talking about how you think you can save them, but it becomes something more physical than spiritual. I began quoting a conversation I used to have a lot in highschool. About how I knew I could never be in a relationship with a non-believer - not as a judgement call - because I want the person I love to be someone I can share EVERYTHING with. Marriage is meant to be the binding of two souls, and if I can't share my love of God with them, it would drive a wedge between us. Eventually, I'd have to choose between them and God. And I don't want to do that to someone I love - or to my God.
I caught myself at this point, speaking so passionately about my hopes and dreams and everything I wanted for the future, and I wondered "how did I get so misguided?" I used to be so sure of where I stood and who I was. I spent all my highschool years passionately defending my choices and my faith, and yet once that rollercoaster was over, I chose THEN to fall apart.
But not anymore.
I know who I am and where my identity, faith and morals lie.
In my Lord.


Worn out, wasted
Like a bird with broken wings
Sometimes grace reminds me
I don't get to be the King

But love it washes over
Love it pulls me closer
Love it changes everything

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

Sweetly, You release me
From the weight of what I've done
The trigger trips the hammer
But the bullets never come

And love it washes over
Love it pulls me closer
Love it changes everything

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

And love like a landslide
Like the wind
Spins around me pulls me in
At it's unveiling, I begin

Everything is beautiful
Even when the tears are falling
I don't need a miracle to believe
Even in the crashing down
I can hear redemption calling
And everything is beautiful to me

Reign In Us

You thought of us before the world began to breathe
You knew our names before we came to be
You saw the very day we'd fall away from You
and how desperately we need to be redeemed

Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign
that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign
that You would reign in us

Spirit of the living God fall fresh again
come search our hearts and purify our lives
we need Your perfect love we need Your discipline
we're lost unless You guide us with Your light

Lord Jesus
come lead us
we're desperate for Your touch

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign
that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign
that You would reign in us

we cry out for Your life to revive us; cry out
for Your love to define us; CRY OUT
for Your mercy to keep us
blameless until You return

Oh great and mighty one
with one desire we come
that You would reign
that You would reign in us
we're offering up our lives
a living sacrifice
that You would reign
that You would reign in us

So reign please reign in us
come purify our hearts
we need Your touch
come cleanse us like a flood
and set us out
so the world may know you reign
you reign in us

And How Am I Supposed To Tell You How I Feel? I need Oxygen

This just in.
Sally Ann Bible Studies are and always will be the bomb.

Clayton: So, why is it that when we meet someone we notice the physical stuff right away?
Carlye: Cause when you first see someone you're not like "their favourite color is green", you're like "they have a nice face"

*Making lists of Top 5 qualities we look for in a "significant other"*
Molly: can I put "pretty eeeeyes?"
Michelle: Nope, I said no "pretty eyes" or "cute butt"
Carlye: Aw man, but I already wrote "cute butt"
Spackwood: And I've got "nice hair"

Also, I love sitting on overstuffed couches with Taylor Mclennan for an hour talking about boys.
Just sayin'.

Take Time To Realize That I Am On Your Side

Ohhhh boy.
Today was so... jam packed.
Not exactly in a super awesome way, either.
Friends are hurting, and my heart is filled with anxiousness.
But you know what? I still love life a lot.
It's such a good feeling, a feeling I forgot I could feel.
I'm not saying the past few weeks have been complete torture or anything...
but the entire time, I always had this sick feeling in my stomach.
My life still had a lot of good aspects to it, and I'm not saying I didn't enjoy the time I spent with everyone, and the good times had by all... but it wasn't this.
This is good. This is happiness.
No. Scratch that.
Because I'm not saying that I'm happy all the time now. Aspects of my life still suck, people I love a lot are still getting hurt, I'M still feeling pretty wounded by some things, but it's almost like, in the long run, none of that matters. I can still close my eyes and feel good. My heart feels full, my soul feels like it's singing.
Shawn and I had a conversation about a year ago, while we were driving to his house. He asked me how everything was going, he asked me if I was happy. I told him that more or less, yes, I had a lot to be thankful for; him, the congregation, my friends, my teachers... and he told me that happiness doesn't mean anything. Happiness is a fleeting emotion, just like all the others.
Lust is temporary, anger, sadness, envy, and yes, even happiness.
He paused and asked "Molly, are you joyful? Because happiness is so temporary. Someone can give you a hug, or even a ten bucks, and it can bring you happiness... but joyfulness, it's almost like a testament to God, praising him for blessing you with a life filled with happiness, with struggles, with tears, but with overall joy. "

I am joyous.
Sometimes I'm happy, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I feel envious or blinded by anger, but my life is a joyous one. I am filled and overflowing with joy.
Joy and praise.

As The Sparrow

To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.

Charles Bukowski