DEANNASCOTLANDPULAK

Deanna is freaking home!
Although, she still calls Scotland home, but she was so sorely missed here in Canada.
Today was incredible; Luke came to church ad actually ENJOYED it and I got to have wicked awesome times with Carlye and Deanna.
...
ps. We're awesome.

The Youth Pastor Chronicles Pt.4(?)

So this weekend I've been spending some Q.T with the youth group. Recently, David Hossini became our pseudo youth pastor. He's just filling in for the summer.
He's been going to our church for as long as most of us can remember, so we were all really stoked when we learned that the person coming in was someone we all knew really well.
It's funny, when Shawn left, he was worried that we'd alienate the new youth pastor and compare him to Shawn. It's completely the opposite. Shawn came to youth group last night, and everytime he told us to do something, we'd just kind of disregard it.
"Alright everyone.. sit down"
"I dunno... Dave-Hos didn't tell us to sit down."
"Yeah, who's this guy telling us to do stuff."
"I think I'm just going to stand here"
"Hey David, should we sit down?"
"Alright guys, take a seat"
"sure thing, David!"

I suppose it's kind of a jerk move, but it's how we naturally communicate with Shawn now. We're teenagers, it's what we do. And at least we're accepting Dave-Hos with open arms.
I'm actually really bummed out that I'll be away all summer and wont get to spend time with him as the YP. He's already won over all the youth, and he's really funny and caring. So far he's an incredible youth pastor.
Today we all got together at 5am to help clean up the Relay for Life, and it was definitely worth it, we already have tons of inside jokes with David, ("You know, that's just the sausage industry trying to brainwash you. Our Lady Peace is their biggest client. And ICP... that's why all the Juggalo's are so overweight"; "You know, i think Girdeen is the national colour of India";
"We are dumping sand in the light of God"; "I'm easy... TO MAKE SANDWICHES FOR!")
and some of the youth who were still pretty sketchy about accepting someone new, he managed to win over without even trying.
I haven't laughed as hard as I did this weekend in a really long time.
We all have come to the conclusion that we REALLY want him to stay past august, but he has to go back to school.
Maybe God will perform some sort of miracle and he will stay.

Secret Love and The Fastest Way to Lonliness

So life has been pretty exceptional lately.
It's like I'm on a road leading home, and for the first time in a long while, I'm not constantly wondering when I'll reach the end, I'm just enjoying the trip.
I'm reading this incredible book called Cold Tangerines, and at one point the author remarks on how we spend our lives waiting for the "Big Thing". That huge life altering moment, and everything afterward is forever changed. The Big Award, The Big Game, The Big Love. Movies and books are full of them. It builds up til that pinnacle moment when they accomplish the Big Thing, and everything afterward is bliss.
The thing is, we spend our entire lives holding out for that big thing, and we never slow down long enough to see that our lives are filled with big moments. Schooling and jobs and first loves and marriages and children. The road is never easy, there is never pure bliss, but the moments are worth the bumps and bruises.
I guess that's my resolve right now.
My road will always be bumpy, but Lord knows it's an incredible journey.

How can I keep from singing?!

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing!

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And I fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Cold Tangerines

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that He gave life to someone who loves the gift."

Shauna Niequist

Fine, call me a stupid girl. I've warranted it. For so many years I've been thrown in and out of a never-ending loop of shallow promises that have always seemed to break. But then something will happen, and it always makes me wonder if they were ever broken to begin with. Nothing was ever finalized. I know those feelings will always be there despite who we love or what happens, but it gets tiring because no one compares. I hate it. And then when I get close to moving on and no longer caring, aliens land, and the universe finds it 100% necessary to throw him back into my life in the most abrupt manners...but it isn't necessary anymore. I feel like screaming to the world to cut both the five and one out of the number system forever. I feel like calling all the satellite radio stations and telling them to stop playing our song. I feel like texting him, or iming him, or writing him, and telling him to just stop thinking about me.

Who I Am

Hungry

Your hand reaches into my heart
Into my life;
My entire being quakes in Your presence.
I am humbled by Your soul song
Consume me, quench me;
Blanket me in Your grace.

I thirst for You hours on end
Hunger pains keep me subdued on the ground,
Yet I refuse to seek You;
The eternal bread and water,
and quench my thirst with foolish desires.
Hurling me further into this pit of reckless abandonment and hunger;
Always hungry.

Mahala Sarah Woodford

I see the King of Glory coming on the clouds of fire

So I'm going to be completely honest, I do not even want to blog right now.
But God is totally kicking me in the butt right now, and that's obvs the best reason.

XLR8 was INCREDIBLE... kind of.
Thursday night, I cried for hours, and prayed that I'd just get to go home.
Then, for the sake of community and intimacy with our sessionmates, we had to hand in our
cellphones and ipods. My ipod I could care less about, but no cell meant no Chelle, and I honestly didn't know how I was going to get through it without her.
Like, I can handle 4 days without her, but I just really didn't want to be there at all.
So much had happened between February (the last retreat) and now. I felt so disconnected from my XLR8 session, from my brothers and sisters in Christ.
During worship, I fully broke down into the most intense sobs ever. It was not pretty.
(Literally... I was red and blotchy, my nose was running, and my eyes were bloodshot)
When I finally unwound myself from the fetal position I had taken the form of on the floor, Tyler was there to wrap his arms around me and he didn't release me or stop rubbing my arm until I stopped crying. He is fully one of the greatest friends.
After that, things kind of calmed down a bit. I spent that night hanging out with Ty and Jose, because we were the only ones not stupid enough to go swimming in the freezing lake at 11pm.
My tooth was in such terrible pain all weekend, but I still slowly managed to have a really great time. It felt good to reconnect with Kate again, even though, realistically, she only lives a few blocks away. Slowly, my heart began to warm again. I realized I had shut myself off to these people. I'd convinced myself that I couldn't open up to them, trust them. I ignored God's small voice telling me that were my family, my brothers and sisters, and just like me, they were his children. On Saturday, Dave Ivany spoke to us about the discipline of silence. That sometimes it's good to just listen, not just talk God's ear off. He has some pretty important stuff to tell us.
So that afternoon, we had to meditate on psalm 139 and stay silent on our own and wait for what God told us.
I went out on the lake in a kayak and prayed that God would speak to me, because I was ready to listen. Instead, I had some song stuck in my head. I asked God to remove those thoughts from my head so I could hear Him, but it just got louder. That's when I realized, it wasn't a song that was replaying in my head, but a poem, by Bradley Hathaway. And get this, it's called... Silence.
Crazy.
God is incredible, because on Sudnay when we fianlly got our ipods back, the first thing I listened to was Silence, and it contained the answers to all the questions I'd been begging God to respond to. After that, I ended up writing a poem too, and Clint recorded my telling of the experience during the Silence, as well as a clip of me reading my poem, which was a bit unnerving.
He's posted my poems on Send The Fire before, but they weren't attached to my face, I didn't have to read them outloud, and it wasn't one that I'd written an hour before.
I'm a bit sketched out that a video of my poetry is going on there, especially since this one was probably the most raw heartfelt one I've written in years. It came from my soul.

I should definitely go to bed, I've been staying up far too late lately with Chelle and co. (totally worth it) and I work at 6am.
More updates later.

Peace and love.




Silence - Bradley Hathaway

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

I guess for me this is enough

Mols Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns says:
Chelle, I don't want to like him!
Mols Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns says:
but I do, don't I
Chelle says:
thought that might be an issue
Mols Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns says:
STOP KNOWING THINGS

Forces of Nature

"I always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world. And when you found that person the rest of the world kind of magically faded away. And, you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble. But there is no bubble. I mean, if there is you have to make it. I just think life is more than a series of moments. You know, we can make choices. And we can choose to protect the people we love, and that's what makes us who we are. Those are the real memories."

This is the correlation of salvation and love

So today I went on a grand adventure to Victoria with Chelle.
We had a fantastic time, and at some point during the trip, I realized even more so how truly incredible she is. Like, I've always known it, but little things about her reveal themselves the more years I know her. She's always been there for me through everything since the day we met. She got me through everything with my dad, and everything else since. Even when we grew apart temporarily, as soon as things cleared up, she was sure to make up for lost time.
Sometimes I feel like if everyone else kind of faded away, I still think I'd be okay, because I have her. Not in like, a totally dependent way. Just that she's always there, even when everything is a complete tornado around her. Like she just loves without barriers. And sometimes even without just cause. Kay, I think I'm done now.

ps. I got a really awesome bathing suit today, too!

The truth is so undeniable

Found this blog posting from May 2nd, 2 years ago.
I was pretty intense for a 16 year old.


I was thinking today.
I was thinking about special feelings; good and bad.
The kind of feeling you get once in a blue moon.. or the bad feeling that you get, sometimes too often.
Like when you make a new bestfriend; you know, the time you realize while talking/laughing with/crying to, a close friend, that "wow they're my best friend."
But what about those other times... the special times, the rare and beautiful friendships. When you meet someone and you know, they're going to be my friend forever.
I remember feeling that, knowing that, when I met Rachel.
Well, no.
When I first met Rachel, we hated eachother.
But when we first realized how amazing we found the other to be... our first little inside jokes (HE DECLARED) how excited we were when we'd see eachother each month.. those feelings.
I just... knew.

There's always the not so good feelings.
Like that time when you realize that your friendship with someone is changing.
Or that time when you discover you don't love a boyfriend or girlfriend anymore.. not like you used to.
The sudden, unwanted changes of heart.
And then there's the only ones worse...
the times when you see it coming.
When you know.... this is changing...
when you know there's nothing you can do.
When your heart sinks and your stomach turns... and you just have to get on with life.

That's happened to me a few time in life.
I'm grateful that it hasn't happened more.
Whether it's a friend, or something more...
it's never easy.
But be thankful for those other special moments.
Special friends, true loves, grade 3 crushes, second chances.
Be mindful too, of the pain.
Lost friends, broken hearts, unfair disadvantages.

Live your life...
but never forget the little things.

I hear You calling me; You want to set me free with Your love

Sometimes I wonder why I'm such a terrible hypocrite.
I mean, I just spent the past 3 hours talking to my friend about how he can't believe the lies spoken over him. That he is good and kind and has never been anything short of wonderful to me. It breaks my heart to know that he doesn't see that. All he feels is his brokenness, and all he sees are his failures. I put my heart into trying to show him the truth, and to be stronger than the lies.
And yet, I cannot rise up against my own.
I worry that I'll always be the wounded little girl who's mother died and who's father didn't know how to do anything but lie to her and run away. That I'll always feel like people are going to abandon me, and that there must be something wrong with me, if people only ever want to leave.
I won't stand for it any more.
I'm tired of feeling worthless.
I have worth and I am perfect because of a refiner's fire.
As heartbreaking as my conversations with said friend can be, it brings such joy to my life to know that he has God in his life, as well, and I will be forever thankful for how he has reminded me to practice what I preach.

Lennie Low P2

Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
in short, I guess little Molly's all grown up, eh?
√L3NN! says:
seems as such
√L3NN! says:
you were always most resistant
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
haha to what?
√L3NN! says:
growing up
√L3NN! says:
not in the stay a kid sorta way
√L3NN! says:
just in the everything's meaningless sorta way
√L3NN! says:
pointless, immaturity in mature situations of being an adult
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
I have no idea what that means, or if I'm totally being insulted
√L3NN! says:
really tired
√L3NN! says:
no
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
haha
√L3NN! says:
see
√L3NN! says:
im just making much less sense now that i need sleep
√L3NN! says:
you were always awesome molly <33

Lennie Low

Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Do you ever feel like you've lived 300 lives?
√L3NN! says:
no, but i feel 19 years old
√L3NN! says:
i feel very much like this is my first life
√L3NN! says:
and its the first time any of this has ever existed
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Random, I know... but like, when I talk to you, it's so bizarre. Because way back when, we spent hours on the phone, talking until one of us fell asleep, and hung out every day and all this crazy stuff. We knew everything about eachother. There were no secrets. We were like... in sync.
And now we're complete strangers.
√L3NN! says:
yeah, i think about things like that
√L3NN! says:
and how even though its been our life, its been broken up into so many completely different pieces that don't really fit together if looked at on the whole

Turner

Alright. So as positively draining as it is to spend 14 straight hours tending to the needs of 2 toddlers and a pair of 7.5 year old's with serious schemes ALWAYS brewing in their little heads, I can't think of many things I'd rather do than spend my time with the Turner kids.
Despite Kiana's bossiness, Kiran's temper tantrums, Olivia's terrible twos, and Madison's teething, those kids are incredible. I pretty much swoon every time Kiana hugs me and tells me she wants to be just like me when she's my age (never thought I'd hear that one), or Olivia calls out "Molly! Molly!" and when I respond with a distracted "yes, Livvie?" she blows a slobbery 2 year old kiss and says "I love you!" Or the first time a huge grin spread across Maddie's face when she woke up and saw me standing by her crib. That girl is such an angel. I love her 4 teeth, her giggle, how she bounces whenever she can grab hold of anything sturdy, and how her strawberry blond hair is more like fuzz than anything else.
I also love Kiran's unbelievable innocence and how Kiana has way more maturity than any 8 year old I've ever met. She's so grounded, and I love how Kiran's a little dreamer.
And how he innocently asked me tonight if I had a boyfriend, and when I told him I certainly did not, he replied with "oh... good."
I love the talks I have with Barb when she drives me home every night about how she's worried about how much she works with her company, and whether her kids know that she does it because she loves them so much. I love reassuring her that her kids know how hard she works and that she's teaching them with her actions all about dedication, hard work, and love.
And how I admire the way that after working from 5am til 9pm, she still stays up til 1am making the kids homemade muffins for breakfast and fixing Kiran's broken hockeystick.

I love that entire family in more ways than I could ever possibly express.

Cause it'll change with the season and you'll be the reason why

I miss you.
I remember we used to sit down and talk about everything.
You wouldn't let me walk away until I told you EXACTLY what was wrong.
We haven't talked in MONTHS. I see you enough, and sometimes you even ask me how I am... but when my answer is merely "fine", you seem completely content with that answer, and go on your merry way. A year ago, 6 months ago, I never would have gotten away with that answer.
I've been hurting a lot lately, and I'm not going to convince myself that you just didn't notice. I've seen you notice, and sometimes that's even worse than you just not noticing me. The fact that you just choose to disregard me instead. We don't even know who you are anymore. You were like a father to me for 3 years of my life. You were that to so many people, but they seem to be all the people that mean nothing to you anymore.
Maybe one day I'll be able to tell you all this. But would you even hear me?

I hear You calling me; You want to set me free with Your love

Lately I've been thinking about the past.
Not the recent past, that's more like a nightmare I'd much rather forget.
Not the far off past either; back when my mom hugged me and I spent my weekends hanging out in the shed behind Shannsy's house. I'm thinking a lot about last year. Back when we were so full of the Holy Spirit. When we would sit at the beach praying, or stay at the church after bible study until the silent alarm went off because we were crying too hard. Or when we would get kicked out of the church we would sit out in the cold in front of the building, because we just weren't finished.
Now, bible study barely happens. When people actually show up, we sometimes have a topic, sometimes a pretty good one... but when was the last time we all prayed together?
I go to the beach every couple of days with Michelle, but we sit in her car discussing life and work and boys. I miss that community. I miss leaning on one another. We see eachother all the time, but the priorities aren't what they used to be. We're all fighting this battle and growing with Jesus, I have no doubt about that. But why can't we fight together?

This Is Love

So I was thinking today about the other day when I was driving with my friend. We were talking about how we don't NEED boyfriends, but maybe we just WANT them. And how she's sure that she's ready since her last relationship. We drove around, considering the idea... but I realized today that I not only don't need a boyfriend, but it would be in my best interest not to have one.
I mean, I can fully admit that about 6 months ago I was ready. I believe that the moment you stop wanting a relationship, you're ready for one. Because you no longer feel that it is a necessity. If you can't be alone, you shouldn't be with someone else. It wont make it easier.
So now I'm back where I started. And I know that if I get into anything now, it wont be for any of the right reasons. And I'm not going to start reasoning my way around this. That's how I got myself into this mess.
Besides, who needs a boyfriend, when I have the purest form of love surrounding me 24/7?


Gracious Father you have called me
Coming closer
Your arm around me is the one true thing
That I know

So help me believe
Help me believe
This is the truth you've spoken over me

This is love that you have loved me
This is love that you have set me free
This is love that you have met me
As I am, as You are
So your love whispers to my heart

You still want me
When I'm broken
So I'm open
To hear you speak my name
Call me out on my shame
Into your grace

Cause you set me free
You set me free
With the truth you've spoken over me

This is love that you have loved me
This is love that you have set me free
This is love that you have met me
As I am, as You are
So your love restores to my heart

This is love, oh this is love
This is love, oh this is love.

Exclusive Best Friends

Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I don't know if she likes me or not.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Or what to do about it.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
...ask her?
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Haha, yeah.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I wanna sit down and be like, so I like you, but I know you're not exactly the relationship type, but we enjoy our time together, so why not just be exclusive best friends? And work something out about not being long distance.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
exclusive best friends?
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
I'm interested to hear the definition of that gem
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Lol
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
It's like, friends, that aren't dating, but will eventually, and won't date other people. Like dibs-ing.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
You want to "Dibs" another human being?
...she's not a seat on the school bus, or the last blue freezie
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Well I know!
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I just don't know if either of us want to be dating RIGHT NOW.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Alright Craig, if you say so.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I just like hanging out, and maybe I'd like to kiss her now and then. We hold hands and cuddle and stuff. We have tons of fun together.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Don't you hold hands and cuddle with everyone?
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
A lot of people.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Well..
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
No.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
Not lately.
Taylor HOME UNTIL 4 WORK UNTIL 1 says:
I held hands with Ben last night.
Molly The trigger trips the hammer, but the bullets never come says:
Hey, no shame, Ben's a looker.