everything's gonna be just fine

So I've been thinking a lot about the next few impending weeks. The first day of moms and tots is just winding down (I am currently sitting in the dining hall watching Chelle, Dan, Marci and Jess play Dutch blitz) and after that we have our last 2 weeks of holiday camps and one last vbs before I'm nanaimo-bound once more. Its bizarre to think that the summer is half over, and it truly feels like home here. Essentially, this place has been my home for over a month. It feels natural to get up on the weekends and go to jump off the pier or tan by the pool, and sitting in front of maple til the wee hours talking with Chelle. Last night as we were falling asleep, I related for the first time, my fears of returning to nanaimo to Chelle. How I'll revert back to the person I hate, or how being away from these people, I won't be able to survive on my own. Chelle told me that its always hard to leave, but that its not the kind of place you can stay forever... Its not real life.
Besides, next year will be around in no time... Chelle's coming back next year, I'll have another years experience... And we'll have a car if we ever need to escape into town... Oh yeah, I almost forgot... My dad got me a car! The idea of going home is intimidating, but I know it'll definitely be interesting.

Best VBS Team Ever '08

My team is such a glorious blessing.
We sit and laugh for hours, and we never fight and VBS's run smoothly and we've mastered teamwork. I cannot believe how amazing it all is.
We walked down the downtown eastside last night with our arms around one another talking about how lucky we are to have no drama, and no arguments or clashing personalities and we're a constant support to one another.
But I better get back to the team massage train.
BLESSINGS!!

quote of the day

Kristy:I can't believe I have a queen bed all to myself and no one wants to sleep with me.

Jill: I would, but its too hot in that room

Josh: I would, but I'd be fired.

Quote of the day:
Setting; in chapel devotional. Broke off into partners for prayer.

Marky: we're kind of like doctor Phil. We counsel the kids and such.

Molly: and we're bald?

Marky: okay, well maybe we're not bald men


Molly: you're a man.

Marky:okay. New analogy. so we're like spiderman. We help people out and we... Uh... Are spiders?
Okay, so we're like Batman. We have our staff shirts, he has a bodysuit, he has a sidekick, we have the LIT's. And uh...

Molly:these analogies suck.

Marky: so we're like camp counselors...

reign in me

So I have discovered that I can, in factl blog with my phone. How much I'll be taking that opportunity has yet to be seen. I mean, it's only staff training right now and when we're not busy, we're bonding and laughing and playing soccer and taking part in epic massage trains. But I shall try my darndest. As for staff training so far, it's been incredible with little dashes of terror. I've already learned so much and can feel myself growing and I truly feel like I'm coming into my own, yet there's a lot of pain with Chelle's sickness and bits of drama from back home and gallons of dramatics from right here. Overall though, it's truly shaping up to be a fantastic experience. The very night we arrived, it was wonderful, even if that just meant spending the night laughing with Chelle, trev, Jose, Ethan and Josh because none of the other staffers had arrived yet. It's a great experience to spend so much time with people who mean so incredibly much to me, and to meet new people and know in my heart that by the end of all this, they'll be like true brothers and sisters. I am just so thankful for all of this and everything that god if laying on my heart. I especially love Jill, my VBS leader, and a woman I have always admired. I love how close we've gotten... How close the entire staff is! It's such a blessing. I am so strengthened by my relationship with Chelle, and that we've somehow grown even closer. I don't know if I'd feel near as fantastic as I do now if I didn't have my bestfriend on this ride with me. But now I've realized it is far passed curfew and my body is begging me for sleep. Blessings to everyone!

Feel the rain on your skin

I've been on this life-love kick lately.
Like I'm on this crazy incredible ride through life and everything is bliss.
Ever since the year after my mom passed away, I've had the firm belief that I can overcome anything. That everything that happens to me is just a chunk of my life, and that it can only get better. When everything was happening with my dad and I wasn't sure how I was going to get to the next day, I'd always tell myself that one day it would all be over and behind me. That one day I'd be successful and happy and have my own family. This was only a bump.
I have become obsessed with just marinating in God's grace and the beauty around me. Things are hardly ever perfect, and I get hurt and hurt others, but in the long run, the world can be so beautiful. We just never stop to experience it. We're too busy stuck in our present worries and resentments and the belief that our feelings for right now will never go away. I will "always be mad at him" or "always love her" or "always be here".
These feelings come and go, and I used to define everything, my happiness, my success, my self, by these emotions. Like my entire life was in ruins because of something someone said or thought of me. These things are so temporary. And the truth is, so is this beautiful day and world and the people who matter the most to us. Beauty is temporary. Thank God for every day you have the privilege to experience it.

Snakeskin

So I've kind of spent the last few days in reflection.
I've been reflecting back on the past year, 2 years, my life.
As a snake grows and develops, as the seasons turn, it gets too big for it's skin and sheds it's entire exoskeleton. As it's shedding it's old self, a new skin replaces it. The new skin is never quite the same; like snowflakes. The snake is still a snake, but kind of like a polished version of itself, or if not, at least an alternate version, that is open to experience new and exciting chapters of it's snake-y life.
I feel like a snake, shedding it's skin. Every couple of years I seem to mold into an entirely new version of myself. It's not like I'm on a set schedule, or experiencing some kind of growth spurt (don't I wish). It's like I learn more about who I am, who I truly am, and I'm able to shape myself and become the person I am destined to be one day. Sometimes the transitions aren't always perfect, sometimes the new skin doesn't fit at all... but it's a learning process. Maybe it's a growth spurt after all. Maybe I'm growing into a child God will be proud of.

Please Sir don't you walk away...

Found on Rachael Yamagata's (singer extraordinaire) myspace page.

Influences:
still hot sauce.. always the hot sauce. thought i'd update this thing since it had outdated information.. like 3 cats with ex boyfriend and this Pollyanna optimism that just makes me want to friggin... nah - just kidding.. still optimistic. smile. cheers. i'm happyyyyyy. but let's come clean here. now there are only 2 cats. henry in heaven. also can't quite seem to write in complete sentences or use capitol letters. they say you are supposed to act totally normal around your other cats when one passes away or they freak out so i'm doing my best to not putter around whining 'heeeennnry' and bursting out into tears. i find a tuft of orange fur and it's all over, but i just keep explaining to them that i'm emotional over other things and don't they want some friskies and let's just forget all that and give me the number so i can call...sorry - slipped into who is that - harry chapin? god - 'harry' is almost 'henry'... even my subconscious has been taken over by that little guy.. not harry - henry. don't worry.. i'm not nuts. really - i've overcome the pain/i've learned to take it well/ i only wish my words could just convince myself/that it just wasn't real.. but that's not the way i feel..god he was good (harry, not henry). and it was real - that little tuft of hair proves it. was it even harry? henry was hairy. anyway, i'm pretty sure this should be a blog or something.. all the other sites have music and movies listed in this section and clever metaphorical life things like sunshine and a rainstorm that give insight to their personality.

Let God Arise!

Hear the holy roar of God resound
Watch the waters part before us now
Come and see what He has done for us
Tell the world of His great love

Our God is a God who saves
Our God is a God who saves

Let God arise
Let God arise
Our God reigns now and forever
He reigns now and forever

His enemies will run for sure
The church will stand, she will endure
He holds the keys of life, our Lord
Death has no sting, no final word

Say this is what it's for

Yeah, I think I love you for it.

DEANNASCOTLANDPULAK

Deanna is freaking home!
Although, she still calls Scotland home, but she was so sorely missed here in Canada.
Today was incredible; Luke came to church ad actually ENJOYED it and I got to have wicked awesome times with Carlye and Deanna.
...
ps. We're awesome.

The Youth Pastor Chronicles Pt.4(?)

So this weekend I've been spending some Q.T with the youth group. Recently, David Hossini became our pseudo youth pastor. He's just filling in for the summer.
He's been going to our church for as long as most of us can remember, so we were all really stoked when we learned that the person coming in was someone we all knew really well.
It's funny, when Shawn left, he was worried that we'd alienate the new youth pastor and compare him to Shawn. It's completely the opposite. Shawn came to youth group last night, and everytime he told us to do something, we'd just kind of disregard it.
"Alright everyone.. sit down"
"I dunno... Dave-Hos didn't tell us to sit down."
"Yeah, who's this guy telling us to do stuff."
"I think I'm just going to stand here"
"Hey David, should we sit down?"
"Alright guys, take a seat"
"sure thing, David!"

I suppose it's kind of a jerk move, but it's how we naturally communicate with Shawn now. We're teenagers, it's what we do. And at least we're accepting Dave-Hos with open arms.
I'm actually really bummed out that I'll be away all summer and wont get to spend time with him as the YP. He's already won over all the youth, and he's really funny and caring. So far he's an incredible youth pastor.
Today we all got together at 5am to help clean up the Relay for Life, and it was definitely worth it, we already have tons of inside jokes with David, ("You know, that's just the sausage industry trying to brainwash you. Our Lady Peace is their biggest client. And ICP... that's why all the Juggalo's are so overweight"; "You know, i think Girdeen is the national colour of India";
"We are dumping sand in the light of God"; "I'm easy... TO MAKE SANDWICHES FOR!")
and some of the youth who were still pretty sketchy about accepting someone new, he managed to win over without even trying.
I haven't laughed as hard as I did this weekend in a really long time.
We all have come to the conclusion that we REALLY want him to stay past august, but he has to go back to school.
Maybe God will perform some sort of miracle and he will stay.

Secret Love and The Fastest Way to Lonliness

So life has been pretty exceptional lately.
It's like I'm on a road leading home, and for the first time in a long while, I'm not constantly wondering when I'll reach the end, I'm just enjoying the trip.
I'm reading this incredible book called Cold Tangerines, and at one point the author remarks on how we spend our lives waiting for the "Big Thing". That huge life altering moment, and everything afterward is forever changed. The Big Award, The Big Game, The Big Love. Movies and books are full of them. It builds up til that pinnacle moment when they accomplish the Big Thing, and everything afterward is bliss.
The thing is, we spend our entire lives holding out for that big thing, and we never slow down long enough to see that our lives are filled with big moments. Schooling and jobs and first loves and marriages and children. The road is never easy, there is never pure bliss, but the moments are worth the bumps and bruises.
I guess that's my resolve right now.
My road will always be bumpy, but Lord knows it's an incredible journey.

How can I keep from singing?!

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing!

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And I fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Cold Tangerines

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that He gave life to someone who loves the gift."

Shauna Niequist

Fine, call me a stupid girl. I've warranted it. For so many years I've been thrown in and out of a never-ending loop of shallow promises that have always seemed to break. But then something will happen, and it always makes me wonder if they were ever broken to begin with. Nothing was ever finalized. I know those feelings will always be there despite who we love or what happens, but it gets tiring because no one compares. I hate it. And then when I get close to moving on and no longer caring, aliens land, and the universe finds it 100% necessary to throw him back into my life in the most abrupt manners...but it isn't necessary anymore. I feel like screaming to the world to cut both the five and one out of the number system forever. I feel like calling all the satellite radio stations and telling them to stop playing our song. I feel like texting him, or iming him, or writing him, and telling him to just stop thinking about me.

Who I Am

Hungry

Your hand reaches into my heart
Into my life;
My entire being quakes in Your presence.
I am humbled by Your soul song
Consume me, quench me;
Blanket me in Your grace.

I thirst for You hours on end
Hunger pains keep me subdued on the ground,
Yet I refuse to seek You;
The eternal bread and water,
and quench my thirst with foolish desires.
Hurling me further into this pit of reckless abandonment and hunger;
Always hungry.

Mahala Sarah Woodford

I see the King of Glory coming on the clouds of fire

So I'm going to be completely honest, I do not even want to blog right now.
But God is totally kicking me in the butt right now, and that's obvs the best reason.

XLR8 was INCREDIBLE... kind of.
Thursday night, I cried for hours, and prayed that I'd just get to go home.
Then, for the sake of community and intimacy with our sessionmates, we had to hand in our
cellphones and ipods. My ipod I could care less about, but no cell meant no Chelle, and I honestly didn't know how I was going to get through it without her.
Like, I can handle 4 days without her, but I just really didn't want to be there at all.
So much had happened between February (the last retreat) and now. I felt so disconnected from my XLR8 session, from my brothers and sisters in Christ.
During worship, I fully broke down into the most intense sobs ever. It was not pretty.
(Literally... I was red and blotchy, my nose was running, and my eyes were bloodshot)
When I finally unwound myself from the fetal position I had taken the form of on the floor, Tyler was there to wrap his arms around me and he didn't release me or stop rubbing my arm until I stopped crying. He is fully one of the greatest friends.
After that, things kind of calmed down a bit. I spent that night hanging out with Ty and Jose, because we were the only ones not stupid enough to go swimming in the freezing lake at 11pm.
My tooth was in such terrible pain all weekend, but I still slowly managed to have a really great time. It felt good to reconnect with Kate again, even though, realistically, she only lives a few blocks away. Slowly, my heart began to warm again. I realized I had shut myself off to these people. I'd convinced myself that I couldn't open up to them, trust them. I ignored God's small voice telling me that were my family, my brothers and sisters, and just like me, they were his children. On Saturday, Dave Ivany spoke to us about the discipline of silence. That sometimes it's good to just listen, not just talk God's ear off. He has some pretty important stuff to tell us.
So that afternoon, we had to meditate on psalm 139 and stay silent on our own and wait for what God told us.
I went out on the lake in a kayak and prayed that God would speak to me, because I was ready to listen. Instead, I had some song stuck in my head. I asked God to remove those thoughts from my head so I could hear Him, but it just got louder. That's when I realized, it wasn't a song that was replaying in my head, but a poem, by Bradley Hathaway. And get this, it's called... Silence.
Crazy.
God is incredible, because on Sudnay when we fianlly got our ipods back, the first thing I listened to was Silence, and it contained the answers to all the questions I'd been begging God to respond to. After that, I ended up writing a poem too, and Clint recorded my telling of the experience during the Silence, as well as a clip of me reading my poem, which was a bit unnerving.
He's posted my poems on Send The Fire before, but they weren't attached to my face, I didn't have to read them outloud, and it wasn't one that I'd written an hour before.
I'm a bit sketched out that a video of my poetry is going on there, especially since this one was probably the most raw heartfelt one I've written in years. It came from my soul.

I should definitely go to bed, I've been staying up far too late lately with Chelle and co. (totally worth it) and I work at 6am.
More updates later.

Peace and love.




Silence - Bradley Hathaway

What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

I guess for me this is enough

Mols Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns says:
Chelle, I don't want to like him!
Mols Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns says:
but I do, don't I
Chelle says:
thought that might be an issue
Mols Broken hearts like promises are left for lesser knowns says:
STOP KNOWING THINGS

Forces of Nature

"I always thought that there was this one perfect person for everybody in the world. And when you found that person the rest of the world kind of magically faded away. And, you know, the two of you would just be inside this kind of protective bubble. But there is no bubble. I mean, if there is you have to make it. I just think life is more than a series of moments. You know, we can make choices. And we can choose to protect the people we love, and that's what makes us who we are. Those are the real memories."