the quiet things that no one ever knows

Tonight I was doing that thing where you're so sensationally lost and void that you absentmindedly click on random icons on your desktop. That was when I came across some very ancient playlists. One of them was from back in grade 10, and when the first song played, I actually felt like I couldn't breathe. It's a pretty scary experience when you genuinely feel yourself getting sucked into the past. It wasn't like a walk down good ol' memory lane, it was like I was getting pulled apart and condensed all at once. All of the sudden, I was 15 again, I was sitting at my computer desk at my grandma's house, in the room that was far too big for someone who just wanted to shrink away. I remember curling up in a ball in that computer chair in the dark and talking to Chris until 3am, when he finally couldn't do it anymore and would go to bed. After that, I would just... Sit there, until it was time for school. I remember the smell of the room, the smell of the shampoo I used to use, the exact temperature in the room, and hearing that song.
It's bizarre, I remember so little from that time, never a full day out of those 6 months... And yet one song can dredge up so much that I apparently have worked relatively hard to forget.

We saw the western coast
I saw the hospital
Nursed the shoreline like a wound
Reports of lover's tryst
Were neither clear nor descript
We kept it safe and slow
The quiet things that no one ever knows

So keep the blood in your head
And keep your feet on the ground
If today's the day it gets tired
Today's the day we drop out
Gave up my body and bed
All for an empty hotel
Wasting words on lower cases and capitals

I contemplate the day we wed
Your friends are boring me to death
Your veil is ruined in the rain
By then it's you I can do without
There's nothing new to talk about
And though our kids are blessed
Their parents let them shoulder all the blame


I lie for only you
And I lie well
Hallelujah

things I gain from late night buffy the vampire slayer episodes

"Passion... it lies in all of us. Sleeping, waiting, and though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir, open its jaws, and howl. It speaks to us, guides us... passion rules us all. And we obey. What other choice do we have?
Passion is the source of our finest moments; the joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief.
It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dank... without passion, we'd be truly dead."

sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug

so, tonight with no real way to remedy my chronic insomnia, I started reading through old documents on my computer... Lame, I know. Strangely enough, though, it brought me a strange sense of relief. Old journal entries that never really made it online, English papers from grade 11, and, my personal favorite, a letter to Taryn from early in grade 12... What a letter THAT was. (fortunately for both mine and Taryn's relative sanity, I don't recall ever sending it). What they all taught me was a) sometimes I'm better at admitting things to a word processor than to myself, b)I desperately miss writing, and I love how my writing matured as I did. Finally, I realized how much I truly have matured since the journal entries from grade eleven, or the letter from 2 years ago (has that much time truly passed?). I read all the things I was saying to others and myself, and I see so strongly the person I was trying desperately to be, and even more, I remember the person I WAS, and how hard that person was trying to fit into the mold I had laid out. But it just didn't... Fit. Despite my stresses and worries and all the hesitation and change I'm facing in my life, I'm starting to discover that, realistically, they'll always exist in my life. I know better than anyone that change is constant, and sometimes, so is the pain... But at least I can say that, for the most part, I know who I am now. And.I'm comfortable in this mold. It fits quite nicely.

words to live by

My current haphazard remedy to insomnia.
My favorite quotes from some of my favorite books.
So let's do this...


- I’d long ago learned not to be picky in farewells. They weren’t guaranteed or promised. You were lucky, more than blessed, if you got a goodbye at all.

-I was always That Girl. The girl with the dead parent. Everyone knew. It was always out in the open, written on my face. But the fact that I was angry and scared, that was my secret to keep. They didn’t get to have that, too. It was all mine.

- Shoulda, coulda, woulda. It’s so easy in the past tense.

- Who knew three dots could make such a difference? Like everything else, a love or a wish or whatever, it was all in the way you read it.

- But that was the problem with having the answers. It was only after you gave them that you realized they sometimes weren’t what people wanted to hear.

-I can't count the number of times Wes has tried to secretly fix the hole in the driveway. I just think that some things are meant to be broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It’s the universe’s way of providing contrast, you know? There have to be a few holes in the road. It’s how life is.

- There’s an entirely different feel to quiet when you’re with someone else, and at any moment it could be broken. Like the difference between a pause and an ending.

- I’d tried to hold myself apart, showing only what I wanted, doling out bits and pieces of who I was. But that only works for so long. Eventually, even the smallest fragments can’t help but make a whole.

- For any one of us our forever could end in an hour, or a hundred years from now. You can never know for sure, so you’d better make every second count.• The truth is, nothing is guaranteed. So don’t be afraid. Be alive.

- Grief can be a burden, but also an anchor. You get used to the weight, to how it holds you to a place.

- That was the thing. You just never knew. Forever was so many different things. It was always changing, it was what everything was really all about. It was twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant I wished would last and last. But there was only one truth about forever that really mattered, and that was this: it was happening. Right then, as I ran with Wes into that bright sun, and every moment afterwards. Now. Now. Now.

- When I got to my own face, I found myself staring at it, so bright with dark all around it, like it was someone I didn't recognize. Like a word on a page that you've printed and read a million times, that suddenly looks strange or wrong, foreign, and you feel scared for a second, like you've lost something, even if you're not sure what it is.

- All you could do was take on as much weight as you can bear. And if you're lucky, there's someone close enough by to shoulder the rest.

- I wasn't used to seeing her this way. She had always been the stronger, the livelier, the braver. The girl who punched out Missy Lassiter, the meanest, most fiendish of the pink-bike girls that first summer she moved in, on a day when they surrounded us and tried to make us cry. The girl who kept a house, and her mother, up and running since she was five, now playing mother to a thirty-five-year-old child. The girl who had kept the world from swallowing me whole... Because life is an ugly, awful place to not have a best friend.

- When I pictured myself, it was always like just an outline in a coloring book, with the inside not yet completed.

everything's gonna be just fine

So I've been thinking a lot about the next few impending weeks. The first day of moms and tots is just winding down (I am currently sitting in the dining hall watching Chelle, Dan, Marci and Jess play Dutch blitz) and after that we have our last 2 weeks of holiday camps and one last vbs before I'm nanaimo-bound once more. Its bizarre to think that the summer is half over, and it truly feels like home here. Essentially, this place has been my home for over a month. It feels natural to get up on the weekends and go to jump off the pier or tan by the pool, and sitting in front of maple til the wee hours talking with Chelle. Last night as we were falling asleep, I related for the first time, my fears of returning to nanaimo to Chelle. How I'll revert back to the person I hate, or how being away from these people, I won't be able to survive on my own. Chelle told me that its always hard to leave, but that its not the kind of place you can stay forever... Its not real life.
Besides, next year will be around in no time... Chelle's coming back next year, I'll have another years experience... And we'll have a car if we ever need to escape into town... Oh yeah, I almost forgot... My dad got me a car! The idea of going home is intimidating, but I know it'll definitely be interesting.

Best VBS Team Ever '08

My team is such a glorious blessing.
We sit and laugh for hours, and we never fight and VBS's run smoothly and we've mastered teamwork. I cannot believe how amazing it all is.
We walked down the downtown eastside last night with our arms around one another talking about how lucky we are to have no drama, and no arguments or clashing personalities and we're a constant support to one another.
But I better get back to the team massage train.
BLESSINGS!!

quote of the day

Kristy:I can't believe I have a queen bed all to myself and no one wants to sleep with me.

Jill: I would, but its too hot in that room

Josh: I would, but I'd be fired.

Quote of the day:
Setting; in chapel devotional. Broke off into partners for prayer.

Marky: we're kind of like doctor Phil. We counsel the kids and such.

Molly: and we're bald?

Marky: okay, well maybe we're not bald men


Molly: you're a man.

Marky:okay. New analogy. so we're like spiderman. We help people out and we... Uh... Are spiders?
Okay, so we're like Batman. We have our staff shirts, he has a bodysuit, he has a sidekick, we have the LIT's. And uh...

Molly:these analogies suck.

Marky: so we're like camp counselors...

reign in me

So I have discovered that I can, in factl blog with my phone. How much I'll be taking that opportunity has yet to be seen. I mean, it's only staff training right now and when we're not busy, we're bonding and laughing and playing soccer and taking part in epic massage trains. But I shall try my darndest. As for staff training so far, it's been incredible with little dashes of terror. I've already learned so much and can feel myself growing and I truly feel like I'm coming into my own, yet there's a lot of pain with Chelle's sickness and bits of drama from back home and gallons of dramatics from right here. Overall though, it's truly shaping up to be a fantastic experience. The very night we arrived, it was wonderful, even if that just meant spending the night laughing with Chelle, trev, Jose, Ethan and Josh because none of the other staffers had arrived yet. It's a great experience to spend so much time with people who mean so incredibly much to me, and to meet new people and know in my heart that by the end of all this, they'll be like true brothers and sisters. I am just so thankful for all of this and everything that god if laying on my heart. I especially love Jill, my VBS leader, and a woman I have always admired. I love how close we've gotten... How close the entire staff is! It's such a blessing. I am so strengthened by my relationship with Chelle, and that we've somehow grown even closer. I don't know if I'd feel near as fantastic as I do now if I didn't have my bestfriend on this ride with me. But now I've realized it is far passed curfew and my body is begging me for sleep. Blessings to everyone!

Feel the rain on your skin

I've been on this life-love kick lately.
Like I'm on this crazy incredible ride through life and everything is bliss.
Ever since the year after my mom passed away, I've had the firm belief that I can overcome anything. That everything that happens to me is just a chunk of my life, and that it can only get better. When everything was happening with my dad and I wasn't sure how I was going to get to the next day, I'd always tell myself that one day it would all be over and behind me. That one day I'd be successful and happy and have my own family. This was only a bump.
I have become obsessed with just marinating in God's grace and the beauty around me. Things are hardly ever perfect, and I get hurt and hurt others, but in the long run, the world can be so beautiful. We just never stop to experience it. We're too busy stuck in our present worries and resentments and the belief that our feelings for right now will never go away. I will "always be mad at him" or "always love her" or "always be here".
These feelings come and go, and I used to define everything, my happiness, my success, my self, by these emotions. Like my entire life was in ruins because of something someone said or thought of me. These things are so temporary. And the truth is, so is this beautiful day and world and the people who matter the most to us. Beauty is temporary. Thank God for every day you have the privilege to experience it.

Snakeskin

So I've kind of spent the last few days in reflection.
I've been reflecting back on the past year, 2 years, my life.
As a snake grows and develops, as the seasons turn, it gets too big for it's skin and sheds it's entire exoskeleton. As it's shedding it's old self, a new skin replaces it. The new skin is never quite the same; like snowflakes. The snake is still a snake, but kind of like a polished version of itself, or if not, at least an alternate version, that is open to experience new and exciting chapters of it's snake-y life.
I feel like a snake, shedding it's skin. Every couple of years I seem to mold into an entirely new version of myself. It's not like I'm on a set schedule, or experiencing some kind of growth spurt (don't I wish). It's like I learn more about who I am, who I truly am, and I'm able to shape myself and become the person I am destined to be one day. Sometimes the transitions aren't always perfect, sometimes the new skin doesn't fit at all... but it's a learning process. Maybe it's a growth spurt after all. Maybe I'm growing into a child God will be proud of.

Please Sir don't you walk away...

Found on Rachael Yamagata's (singer extraordinaire) myspace page.

Influences:
still hot sauce.. always the hot sauce. thought i'd update this thing since it had outdated information.. like 3 cats with ex boyfriend and this Pollyanna optimism that just makes me want to friggin... nah - just kidding.. still optimistic. smile. cheers. i'm happyyyyyy. but let's come clean here. now there are only 2 cats. henry in heaven. also can't quite seem to write in complete sentences or use capitol letters. they say you are supposed to act totally normal around your other cats when one passes away or they freak out so i'm doing my best to not putter around whining 'heeeennnry' and bursting out into tears. i find a tuft of orange fur and it's all over, but i just keep explaining to them that i'm emotional over other things and don't they want some friskies and let's just forget all that and give me the number so i can call...sorry - slipped into who is that - harry chapin? god - 'harry' is almost 'henry'... even my subconscious has been taken over by that little guy.. not harry - henry. don't worry.. i'm not nuts. really - i've overcome the pain/i've learned to take it well/ i only wish my words could just convince myself/that it just wasn't real.. but that's not the way i feel..god he was good (harry, not henry). and it was real - that little tuft of hair proves it. was it even harry? henry was hairy. anyway, i'm pretty sure this should be a blog or something.. all the other sites have music and movies listed in this section and clever metaphorical life things like sunshine and a rainstorm that give insight to their personality.

Let God Arise!

Hear the holy roar of God resound
Watch the waters part before us now
Come and see what He has done for us
Tell the world of His great love

Our God is a God who saves
Our God is a God who saves

Let God arise
Let God arise
Our God reigns now and forever
He reigns now and forever

His enemies will run for sure
The church will stand, she will endure
He holds the keys of life, our Lord
Death has no sting, no final word

Say this is what it's for

Yeah, I think I love you for it.

DEANNASCOTLANDPULAK

Deanna is freaking home!
Although, she still calls Scotland home, but she was so sorely missed here in Canada.
Today was incredible; Luke came to church ad actually ENJOYED it and I got to have wicked awesome times with Carlye and Deanna.
...
ps. We're awesome.

The Youth Pastor Chronicles Pt.4(?)

So this weekend I've been spending some Q.T with the youth group. Recently, David Hossini became our pseudo youth pastor. He's just filling in for the summer.
He's been going to our church for as long as most of us can remember, so we were all really stoked when we learned that the person coming in was someone we all knew really well.
It's funny, when Shawn left, he was worried that we'd alienate the new youth pastor and compare him to Shawn. It's completely the opposite. Shawn came to youth group last night, and everytime he told us to do something, we'd just kind of disregard it.
"Alright everyone.. sit down"
"I dunno... Dave-Hos didn't tell us to sit down."
"Yeah, who's this guy telling us to do stuff."
"I think I'm just going to stand here"
"Hey David, should we sit down?"
"Alright guys, take a seat"
"sure thing, David!"

I suppose it's kind of a jerk move, but it's how we naturally communicate with Shawn now. We're teenagers, it's what we do. And at least we're accepting Dave-Hos with open arms.
I'm actually really bummed out that I'll be away all summer and wont get to spend time with him as the YP. He's already won over all the youth, and he's really funny and caring. So far he's an incredible youth pastor.
Today we all got together at 5am to help clean up the Relay for Life, and it was definitely worth it, we already have tons of inside jokes with David, ("You know, that's just the sausage industry trying to brainwash you. Our Lady Peace is their biggest client. And ICP... that's why all the Juggalo's are so overweight"; "You know, i think Girdeen is the national colour of India";
"We are dumping sand in the light of God"; "I'm easy... TO MAKE SANDWICHES FOR!")
and some of the youth who were still pretty sketchy about accepting someone new, he managed to win over without even trying.
I haven't laughed as hard as I did this weekend in a really long time.
We all have come to the conclusion that we REALLY want him to stay past august, but he has to go back to school.
Maybe God will perform some sort of miracle and he will stay.

Secret Love and The Fastest Way to Lonliness

So life has been pretty exceptional lately.
It's like I'm on a road leading home, and for the first time in a long while, I'm not constantly wondering when I'll reach the end, I'm just enjoying the trip.
I'm reading this incredible book called Cold Tangerines, and at one point the author remarks on how we spend our lives waiting for the "Big Thing". That huge life altering moment, and everything afterward is forever changed. The Big Award, The Big Game, The Big Love. Movies and books are full of them. It builds up til that pinnacle moment when they accomplish the Big Thing, and everything afterward is bliss.
The thing is, we spend our entire lives holding out for that big thing, and we never slow down long enough to see that our lives are filled with big moments. Schooling and jobs and first loves and marriages and children. The road is never easy, there is never pure bliss, but the moments are worth the bumps and bruises.
I guess that's my resolve right now.
My road will always be bumpy, but Lord knows it's an incredible journey.

How can I keep from singing?!

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring
And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise?
How can I ever say enough?
How amazing is Your love!
How can I keep from shouting Your name?
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing!

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And I fall down again

I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer

I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Cold Tangerines

"I want a life that sizzles and pops and makes me laugh out loud. And I don't want to get to the end, or tomorrow, even, and realize that my life is a collection of meetings and pop cans and errands and receipts and dirty dishes. I want to eat cold tangerines and sing loud in the car with the windows open and wear pink shoes and stay up all night laughing and paint my walls the exact color of the sky right now. I want to sleep hard on clean white sheets and throw parties and eat ripe tomatoes and read books so good they make me jump up and down, and I want my everyday to make God belly laugh, glad that He gave life to someone who loves the gift."

Shauna Niequist

Fine, call me a stupid girl. I've warranted it. For so many years I've been thrown in and out of a never-ending loop of shallow promises that have always seemed to break. But then something will happen, and it always makes me wonder if they were ever broken to begin with. Nothing was ever finalized. I know those feelings will always be there despite who we love or what happens, but it gets tiring because no one compares. I hate it. And then when I get close to moving on and no longer caring, aliens land, and the universe finds it 100% necessary to throw him back into my life in the most abrupt manners...but it isn't necessary anymore. I feel like screaming to the world to cut both the five and one out of the number system forever. I feel like calling all the satellite radio stations and telling them to stop playing our song. I feel like texting him, or iming him, or writing him, and telling him to just stop thinking about me.

Who I Am