1234 - California sounds nice, but California's a lie.

Hey Mom,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I've always said that I write to you because sometimes it's easier than telling anyone else, since you can't respond, or judge me, and I can no longer break your heart like I used to.
So essentially, that just makes me a coward. But I guess you already knew that. I've always looked for the easy way out.
I don't even know why I'm so upset this time, and yet I can't stop the tears from flowing out of me. I feel like a monster. When I was little and I couldn't get to sleep, you'd take me in your lap and hold me there til I fell asleep. I miss that, Mom. Despite the fact that I'm far too old to need that anymore, I've been yearning for it so much more lately. I just want to curl up in your arms tonight and let the world melt away behind me. Now isn't that the sign of true cowardice? Hiding until it goes away. There's nothing I'd want less than to be 15 again, but I'd do it if it meant I could talk to you for just a little while. Tell you I was scared, or lonely, or angry. I just want you to tell me it's okay to feel this way sometimes. I just want someone to tell me it's okay to be who I am. That's a mom's job right? To tell me that she loves me no matter what?
The ugly truth is, I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need your validation. If you were alive now, I wouldn't want you to tell me it was okay, and that you love me no matter what. Unconditional love is amazing, but I'd want you to love me because you love to love me, not because you have to love me.
I want to be a person you'd want to get to know. And I don't think I'm that person for anyone. Dead or alive.

You've given me more than enough

So, I've kind of been avoiding making an end-of-summer post. Mainly because my life has chnged pretty dramatically. It's bizarre to remember thinking during holiday camps "hmm, this summer is going by far too quickly, and nothing exceptional has happened", because, looking back, so much WAS happening. I was being molded in so many ways that at times I didn't really recognize myself. A lot happened this summer that forced me to rethink who I was, and I thank God for that, because I've been spending the last year or so feeling pretty identity-less.
So, now that 'm forcing myself to think about the entire summer, here's an overview of MY SUMMER
I'm gonna use bulletpoints and everything!

Staff Training
- Pretty much became BFF with Kaitlyn Cramb (we were roommates and both enjoyed going to bed an hour before curfew.)
- God taught me about hard love

VBS wk 1
- Serious VBS team bonding... what with staying in an abandoned church in the middle of nowhere with no plumbing and shoddy electrical.
- Actually spoke about God's desire for a relationship in front of a church full of strangers
- Was taught by a 5 year old all about what God plans for us.

VBS wk 2
- Reconnected with my love Jennifer Cross (VBS '08)
- Thanks to wise words from an 80 yr old woman, took a few more steps in forgiving my father.
- God taught me ALL about patience.

Holiday Camp 1
- Counseled alone for the first time
- Hurricane Gracie came to town (definitely a one-f-a-kind camper)
- Go taught me about all the miracles he can perform if we just have faith.
- First tears of the summer... oh boy
- Sunstroke

Holiday Camp 2
- Counseled alone for the second time?
- Saw the heart of a truly burdened child
- Second batch of tears of the summer
- Flu

Holiday camp 3
- OLDEST GIRLS
- Learned how fulfilling self-sacrificing love can be!
Cried for the 3rd time...?
- Flu x 2

Holiday Camp 4
- Counseled alone for the 3rd.. well, you get the picture
- Learned that counseling alone beside Chelle is a winning duo. We're pretty much unstoppable.

Moms and Tots
- Watched WAY too much LOTR... I blame Michael Touzeau.
- Learned how to be a child again
- Poured my heart out to Pearlanne... what a blessing!
- Fell in love with the lifeguards

VBS wk 3/4
- Rediscovered my servants heart
- Learned even more about patience
- Decided to move to Vernon?


That barely even skims the surface of everything I learned this summer... all the different ways I was changed. Some of it just cannot be put into words, and others, I don't think my words could do it justice.
It's not only the camps that affected me; there were weekends (most of which I spent seriously ill), earning about love, as my friends came to check on me, or just sit with me for hours. Watching LOTR for hours learning about community..
But as much as I'd love to move to Burnaby and be close to my family and friends, one of the biggest things I learned this summer is that I no longer want to be comfortable in my faith. Cushioned by friends and family... I know that community is important, but not so that I'm comfortable in my lukewarm christianity.
So I'm taking the leap. I know that amazing things are happening in Vernon, and God has made it very clear to me that I am to be a part of it. I may be scared senseless, and know exactly 4 people in the area.... but I have the Escamilla's to the north, and Catherine to the south... and one of the biggest things I learned this summer was that I have some incredible friends, and no matter how far away I am, I can depend on them. It's still scary, but I am confident that God's hand is upon me.

My mind is still far too scattered to reminisce, but that post shall show up in due time.

"So today I was thinking about why Mols is my bestfriend. We fight alot and occasionally drive eachother crazy. But even during the worst fights when we didnt talk for months at a time I couldnt let go of our friendship completely. Today I realised why that is. No matter what, she just wants me to be happy. Nothing brings her more joy than when I'm happy or in a situation that will bring me epic amounts of joy. She'll support me through ridiculous crushes or schemes i concoct when my senses take leave/a very long holiday just in case it leads to something incredible for me. I once asked her why she jumps on every Michelle and (fill in the blank) bandwagon and she replied "I'm on the michelle bandwagon."
I've often said that I can't be bestfriends with girls, but Mols is a pretty amazing bestfriend."

-------------------------

Chellebabe, you're my star. Thank you for being you, and making me cry like a big baby. We may not know where our lives are headed, and we may be scared senseless, but it's such a blessing to know that I have the world's greatest best friend. 

So when you say forever, can't you see - you've already captured me

Today was the first day of Mom's and Tots camp. It was pretty slack, which is the norm. A lot of set up and then some sitting. It's a nice change of pace, and a great opportunity for me to get my health up a bit. So far, it's been really fun. I had a great time at moms and tots last year, but this year seems much cooler somehow. Maybe it's the lack of torrential downpour, (last years weather conditions were dreadful.) or the fact that I am comfortable with a lot more people now. I'm sharing a room with Amanda in the staff house (affectionately dubbed "Mandar Humblebee" by moi) which of course, is wonderful. I've like the opportunity to spend time with people I wouldn't normally get a chance to, like Jilly... whom I've missed terribly since she's been on Program Staff (Jilly = my vbs leader last year) and Mike Touz. He got pretty stoked when I told him about my plans to move to Burnaby and going to CHT and such. Apparently I have to leave Tuesdays on my schedule clear. Very suspicious. 

Also, Pearlanne is here this week as a cabin mom, so I'm gonna have a chance to spend time with her. Camp just hasn't been quite the same without her!

Tonight on the phone, Caitlyn asked me what Jesus has been teaching me.  The question scared me quite a bit. Despite the fact that I love being here and love spending time with the people around me, my heart feels so negative. So despite the fact that I talk to Jesus and read my bible everyday, I couldn't think of a single thing in my life that represented Him, everything just feels sour. 

I suppose Jesus is teaching me about love. Not just for those who it is a joy to love, but those who I hate to love. 

There's nothing wrong with living loud

So I'm in a state of refection now. All 4 holiday camps are officially over. 

I still have moms and tots and a week of VBS ahead of me, but the 4 major weeks are behind us all. It's crazy to think of everything that has happened in the past month. The hurdles that were overcome, and the ones that were not. The 600 kids that passed through this camp. All the lives that were impacted... positively, I pray. 

The roughly 170 or so children who made commitments to Christ. 

The tears, the sickness, the endless laughter and memories. The bumps, the bruises and the insane battlescars. This summer changed me far more than I would have ever anticipated. I praise God for sending me here again this year. For every single blessing he has placed in my life. I have never been more thankful than I am here at this moment, or have been in the past few weeks. 

We talk about how camp changes lives. We tell the kids how God changed our lives and brought us here, brought THEM here... but I think sometimes we forget how God is STILL bringing us here not only to change THEIR lives, but so that they can change OURS. 

Yesterday I spent some time looking over my 4 cabin photos, staring into the faces of 33 girls. 33 girls so unique and so perfect in God's eyes. I wrote the names of each girl on the back of the photos and placed them in my bible, as a reminder. A reminder of why I come back here each Summer, a reminder of exactly who the Lord wants us to be. And a reminder of who I am. So this next year, when I stray from the path, as I ultimately do, I can look into the eyes of those 33 girls and remember where exactly my identity lies. 

Soundtrack To Our Summer

Let's just say... I'm really excited for the next week. 

Even in the breaking down, I can hear redemption calling

Today was commitment day.... or, as Caitlyn Spence calls it "Crying Day". 

We broke off into 3 groups during devotions, and I talked to my group of 5 about what it means to ask Jesus into your heart and I talked to them about the different ways he has moved in my life. 

A lot of the girls had a lot of trouble understanding why God allows bad things to happen. Cassie and I stayed up talking to them tonight, trying to explain that he has no control over the bad things that happen, he can only combat them after the fact and try to turn them into blessings. I told them that although it sucked that my mom died, who knows where'd I'd be today if it hadn't happened? Chances are I would not be here with them. I also explained that God sent each of them to this camp for a reason and I thank God every day that they are here. 

I am feeling sensationally blessed right now. 

It is times like these when I feel I could move mountains. 

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my life. I pray that even through all the pain, your whisper reaches these girls' ears. 

Joy of the Redeemed

Feeling a little downhearted tonight. 
Regardless, I know that my God is a powerful, all-sufficient savior, and I have nothing to fear. 
Meditating on Isaiah 35


Joy of the Redeemed

The desert and the parched land will be glad; 
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. 
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; 
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. 
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, 
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; 
they will see the glory of the LORD, 
the splendor of our God.
Strengthen the feeble hands, 
steady the knees that give way;

say to those with fearful hearts, 
"Be strong, do not fear; 
your God will come, 
he will come with vengeance; 
with divine retribution 
he will come to save you."

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened 
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

Then will the lame leap like a deer, 
and the mute tongue shout for joy. 
Water will gush forth in the wilderness 
and streams in the desert.

The burning sand will become a pool, 
the thirsty ground bubbling springs. 
In the haunts where jackals once lay, 
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there; 
it will be called the Way of Holiness. 
The unclean will not journey on it; 
it will be for those who walk in that Way; 
wicked fools will not go about on it. [a]

No lion will be there, 
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it; 
they will not be found there. 
But only the redeemed will walk there,

and the ransomed of the LORD will return. 
They will enter Zion with singing; 
everlasting joy will crown their heads. 
Gladness and joy will overtake them, 
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.


Glory be to God. For even in the darkness, Your light is a beacon of strength.

Sunrise/Sunset

I really love my cabin this week. They're great girls, although misguided, and I love getting to know them more. 

Sometimes they're a challenge, but they're also really sweet and I'm really excited about life. 

I'm still really stressed out and worrying about a lot of aspects of my life, but I'm also really grateful for the incredible people God has blessed me with and this beautiful camp. As I sit here, I can look out across the entire field. There are kids swimming, Kylee and Shania are racing, Fir cabin is dancing, Birch is writing a skit. There are kids on the swings, boys playing tag, girls doing handstands. 

I can't believe the summer season here ends in 2 and a half weeks. I may be staying for some Fall camps, but it's just not quite the same. 

There's something magical about this place, there's no denying it. 

At the end of each week, Touz gives the kids a speech that this camp is amazing, but its just a camp. That we're here for them and the magic comes from them and God. It's true. 9 months out of the year, this is just a place, but for 3 months in the Summer, it's this incredible oasis for kids and adults. It stands for so much; happiness, belonging, comfort, love.  But it's so much a God thing. It's everything God stands for.  Sunrise = love. God = LOVE. 

I guess that's all for now. I'm just feeling so ridiculously thankful right now. 

Praise the Lord!

Independent Woman

So I have realized I rarely blog anymore... although, I am usually far too exhausted or lacking in an internet connection. However, despite my fatigue, I decided tonight was an excellent time. I'm counseling oldest girls this week. I've been petitioning for it for awhile, and I'm so thankful that Touz made it happen. This particular group of girls who were in my SECOND oldest cabin last year havw really been on my heart all year, and now I finally have the chance to influence their lives positively. I truly believe that the work we do in all these kids lives throughout the summer is vital, but the oldest kids are at such a crucial stage in their lives, and this is our last real chance with them. They're all really incredible girls this week, and it's been a great first day. We discussed how they're role models and how they don't need boys to be happy, and we just talked for an hour about how they were created in the image of God. That they are exactly who God dreamed them to be. We discussed society's definition of the "perfect" girl, and what THEY think the perfect girl should be. Not big breasted and super skinny without her own opinions, but an athletic, charismatic, intelligent, compassionate, independent, strong woman. It was really inspirational... I'm also really proud of the oldest boys this week as well... at the end of campfire, we get held back and Touz talks with the two eldest cabins for a bit, and they're really mature and impressive this week as well. HALLELUJAH! Now I must rest. End this perfect day as is.

Grace Through Faith

So it is now my second full day with my current cabin of campers. 

Last week was an experience. I had the chance to once again counsel Gracie, and it seems she gets worse every year. Punching other kids, screaming at us til she loses her voice, stealing an entire bowl of parmesan cheese and then proceeding to eat it with her face... and yet, she never failed to tell me she loved me. She has had a terrible life, and we’re told that the week she spends at camp is when she’s happiest all year. She may be a handful, but she was also always entertaining, and even though I was worn thin counseling her on my own, I never felt under-appreciated by her.
This week is an entirely different story.
A group of 10 year old girls who refuse to respect me, who are rude and arrogant, and never seem to get the idea of loving one another. And I know enough to know that it is most likely because that type of love has never been shown to them, but I’m finding it increasingly hard to show them Christ’s love when they are constantly disrespectful towards me, and definitely towards eachother.
Lord, give me strength, and the right words to say.
On an entirely positive note, devotions this week are incredible. Last week the girls just couldn’t sit through it, and were consistently misunderstanding the message Celeigha and I were trying to get across. Simply not the case this week.
They were asking questions, understanding the bible lessons, and even moreso, they were excited to learn more about God. The highlight so far was definitely when a little girl named Madison said to me, “but how do you know God is talking to you?” and when I explained that the little voice inside their head that tells then what to do or what may not be a great idea, it was recieved by a groupwide “OHHH!”.  Or the girls getting REALLY excited about the idea of God watching over them, loving them, and knowing them before they were born. It made their night, and it DEWFINITELY made mine!
It’s time that those that make me cherish my job and thank God for placing this opportunity in my life... I just wish they weren’t so few and far between.
GRACE!
Molly

Dear Lord

I pray that my life may become what lips cannot say in a song of adoration.

The Becoming

"There's this person in my head.
She is brilliant, capable.
She's me, only so much better.
Today was a good day.
Maybe even a great day.
Even when it was hard.
I was the 'me' inside my head.
There was a moment when I thought, I can't do this.
I can't do this alone.
But I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it.
And I did, I blocked out the fear and I did it."

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis

My Backyard

So now I'm branded for taking the fall

Painted skies; I've seen so many that cannot compare to your ocean eyes.

We write to patch things up; maybe not to agree but to proclaim love

So, today because of interesting circumstances, I had to look back to a time a couple Summers ago. I made a pretty big mistake. Despite the fact that the past remains unchanged, and that I understand that it was 3 years ago and I was a very different person then, I am still sorry. I'll make no apologies for the person I was then; I was barely 17, dealing with a constantly vacant father, a recently dead grandmother, and a lot of other teenage dramatics. It wasn't a good Summer by anyone's account, but I'd still like to apologize to anyone I may have hurt. I was different then; different from who I am now, and who I was prior to that.
Like, I said, I don't regret who I was or the errors I made in judgment, but I do feel sorry for anyone I may have hurt.

I'm probably going to delete this entry in a few days, so enjoy it while you can.

What I am meditating on today

So... we were created by God.
He made us to be like Him. There were angels with no bodies, and animals with no spirit, and then there's us. Humans with both. He created us and we were good. He loved us and he gave us freedom to choose whether to love him back or not.
Have you ever been in love? Have you ever loved someone and had them break your heart or asked someone to love you and they simply said no and walked away?
In Genesis it says, "And the LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart." God has a heart. Each day we break his heart. He loves us and every day we say no and walk away.
In the beginning of it all, we as humans chose disconnection. We chose disobedience to God, we believed the lie that a life without God would bring greater fulfillment.
God made the world out of chaos, he pulled all the fragmented bits together and made our world; trees, rocks, animals, humans... and we had that connection, that oneness with God. We were once connected to God, but now we spend time trying to fuse back what is severed... we search for ways to find that oneness again... A good example is of music... if you go to a concert, and everyone is singing and waving their arms to the same rhythm, you feel it... or if you make a connection with another person who is unlike you in every other way except the fact that they are human, you feel it.
Because we were all created in God's image, but over time we've separated because of all our differences. Black, white. Rich, poor. Jew, Gentile. So now we START OUT different, and are working towards being blind to the differences again... just like we started. We're fixing what we broke. We are learning to love the way God intended. We are trying to create a world less chaotic.

Sex God

So, there's a certain book that I've been wanting to read for awhile. I think Rob Bell has a really engaging way of speaking, and it really comes out in his writing. So today I went out and purchase "Sex God". It basically just pinpoints all the ways sexuality and spirituality are connected. At one point in the book, Rob Bell is talking about Jacob. How he pretended to be his brother, Esau, in order to get his inheritance. How he then had to flee for his life before Esau killed him. When Jacob reaches a "certain location", as the Bible says, God speaks to him. Back then, everyone believed that God only spoke in temples or other holy places... not in "certain locations".. God will speak to you anywhere, anytime. Jacob places a stone altar there, to commemorate that connection he first made with God.

"Imagine you're one of Jacob's kids; you have just arrived in this new land, and there's a stone pillar there that your dad can't stop talking about. He's telling anyone who will listen this story about something that happened to him years ago, and he's stacking rocks on top of rocks. 
What if you asked, "Dad, what's the big deal? They're just rocks"
I imagine Jacob would respond, "Yes, you're right. They're rocks. But they're more than rocks. You have to understand. I was on the run and thought my brother was going to kill me. My life was over. And God saved me. And God brought me to a new home. And I had food to eat and a place to sleep and eventually God gave me a family. These aren't just rocks. They are a symbol of life for me. God came through for me."

I've never been sure how to explain my devotion to God to the people in my life that simple do not understand, until I read that section of the book. And after sharing that sentiment, through the supposed eyes of Jacob, I don't feel like any words are necessary. 
It goes on.. 

"We do this all the time. If I were to go through your garage or storage shelves or sock drawer. I guarantee we would find the strangest thing. I have a trophy from when I was fourteen. The little man fell of some time in the 90's, the lettering that says what it was for has faded, and the years have revealed that, shockingly, that isn't real marble. 

But I've kept it.
I haven't thrown it away because it's more than a trophy to me. That trophy is the first I actually won something on my own. It represents a certain period of my life and the struggles of being fourteen and finding my identity and wondering if I'd ever be good at something.
It's a trophy, but it's more than a trophy. 
Jewelry, pictures, sculptures made by children, antiques that have been in the family for years, art projects, souvenirs, velvet paintings - we hold on to them because they point beyond themselves. If we were to ask you about a certain picture and why you have it displayed in such a prominent place in your home, or why you carry it around in your pocket or wallet everywhere you go, you'd probably respond by talking about the people in the picture, where it was taken, when it was taken. But that would only be the start. Those relationships and that places and that time represent something more. Something much bigger.  If we kept exploring, you'd probably end up using words like trust and love and belonging and commitment and celebration. 
So it's a picture, but it's more than a picture.
The physical thing - this picture, trophy, artifact, gift - is actually about that relationship, that truth, that reality, that moment in time. 
This is actually about that. 

Whether it's what we do with our energies

or how we feel about our bodies

or wanting to have the control in relationships

or trying to recover from heartbreak

or dealing with ferocious appetites

or the difficulty of communicating clearly with those we love

or longing for something or someone better,

much of life is someway connected with sexuality. 

And when we begin to sort through all the issues surrounding our sexuality, we quickly end up in the spiritual. 

because this

is always about that.

...

Something deeper. Something behind it all. You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God.

Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where one is, you will always find the other. This is a book about how sexuality is the "this" and spirituality is the "that". To make sense of the one, we have to explore the other.

And that; is what this book is about. "


Like how Jacob somehow led to sex.
Weird. 
This and that.
Oy vay. 

I adore Christopher Michael Bridge

Quote: "I’ve been frustrated the past while.

I believe it started when I got back from the therapist. I don’t think she helped. Actually, I felt more patronized and aggravated then before.

She speaks of being content with the person you are in the now. I speak of enjoying the now, and working towards the future. She becomes frustrated, because working towards a personality-driven goal instigates pursuit of the ideal self. I don’t see the harm in liking the person you are, but holding the idealized self as a goal you never intend to reach.

If I could be my idealized self, I would be able to shoot laser beams from my palms and become the hero of humanity, and probably not waste my time in a therapist's office."

Chris, have I ever told you you are incredible?