I never wanted us to end up like this

Things I Have Learned This Weekend:

-Leading 80 kids between 4 and 12 for 7 hours (singing, screaming, jumping) on only 4 hrs sleep is difficult, but not impossible.

- Little kids from Campbell river are truly adorable

- blue paint does wash out of hair, but not clothes

- brown paint somewhat stains the skin

- there is such thing as too much pizza intake

- never give an already hyper 9 year old a can of coke (ie. Melissa Perry)

- there is nothing I love more than just sitting in a quiet corner with a 6 year old who is scared of
blow up whales

- today was perfect. This is how I want to spend my life.

Our lips were cold as clay, we couldn't speak anyway

I feel so crappy.
Like there's a knife of despair in my gut.

Wow.
That was really... uh, emolicious?

Anyway,
today pretty much sucked.
Except PE... that was fairly rad.
We had to dance.. horrible dances.
Afterwards Sarah's like
"They took my groove! My groove is gone! It aint NEVER comin back!"

But the rest of the day sucked.
Hopefully I'll have a good weekend.
I'm determined.
Maybe I'll be too busy to even think about being depressed.
Yeah. That'll work.

dumb dumb dumb

When I lost faith
You believed in me
When I stumbled
You were right there
For every act of love you've done
I owe you one

You know... I really hate Joey from dawson's creek.
Seriously. That guy loved her so completely and
yet she always just screwed around. He'd give her amazing
ultimatums and she never appreciated it. He told her to leave
and be with Pacey, who is a total asshole, because he knew
it would make her happier at the time... she's a fickle jerk.
Then she goes off and ends up with Pacey AGAIN during the season finale.
6 seasons of being totally in love with her, even when he's living a completely different life and she STILL just walks away.
That JERK.
She KNOWS the rules of TV romance. The two highschool sweethearts have to end up together. Tapanga knew it. Did she let us down during the last episode? Oh no she did not. And Kelly Kapowski knew it.
And all the couples from Beverly Hills 90210.
Who does Katie Holmes think she is?
I am going to write her a VERY dissatisfied email.

...that is all.

When will you say 'it's not so easy for me'

I miss my brother soooo much.
I miss talking to him and making fun of him
or visa versa.
I just want my brother back.

!*Zombie Jesus*!:	we only started going to church because I wanted to
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i thought you hated church
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	it was when i was 6 i didn't know anything i just wanted to go to church

Mahala-Sarah// T:	and i remember mom prayed with me
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	mom was religious.
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i know
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	It was your choice to accept God back into your life... But don't forget that it wasn't for dad you probably wouldn't have ever been doing or believing what you are now
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i know that
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	you may have a lot of anger towards him but he introduced you to an amazing family with the jobies
Mahala-Sarah// T:	TECHNICALLY that was aunty jean
Mahala-Sarah// T:	but i know that
Mahala-Sarah// T:	and dad brought me to nanaimo too
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	well technically it wouldn't have happened without the masons
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	mom, dad, you and I may all find our spirituality in different ways and at different times, but we will always be together even if we arent physically together

People I just love more than life

You guys means the absolute world to me, even if I don't always show it.

Rachel Nicole Ireland
Camille Jewel Lorenz
Carlye Marie Morris
Jessica Carmen Alexander
Mary Marie Alexander
Caitlyn Theresa Spence
Christopher Michael Bridge
Michelle Latour
Taryn Scammell
Deanna Pulak
Benjamin Christopher Bergen
Katelyn Taylor Bledsoe
Tiffany Bonner
Daryl Knapp
Joshua Reno
Marc Johnathan Morin
Tiana Marie Levac
Keeley Mowatt
Jennifer Chadwick
Michael Anderson
Michelle Stefani
Camilla Arnold
Tiah Gaetz
Deanna Rae Scammell
Paul McIntre
[edit] Sasja Towe

ummm.... yeah
this is getting long.
Finish it laaater

Spiritual Gifts Test

Decided to take it againnnnn

Apostle:	20
Prophecy:	20
Evangelism:	21
Pastor:	23
Teaching:	22
Music:	21
Exhortation:	20
Wisdom:	16
Knowledge:	20
Service:	19
Miracles:	18
Leadership:	19
Administration:	17
Giving:	17
Mercy:	21
Discernment:	21
Faith:	18
Hospitality:	18
Craftsmanship:	13
Intercession:	18
Healing:	17
Missions:	20

Swimming... and drowning?

Life can often seem like swimming in the ocean during high tide.
Even if we know how to swim and jump over the big waves at just the right time,
when we least expect it - wham! We are broadsided, and find ourselves spinning
and bouncing off the bottom of the ocean with a mouth full of sand. If we fight,
it takes longer to get to the surface. But if we float with the current, we come right to the top.
Floating when we are frightened is difficult.
It takes trust and concentration.
I guess dealing with the death of my mom is similar. In order to cope, it takes trust.
The sooner I learn to float - to trust - the easier it is to discover the answers I'm seeking.

Everything will be alright; If you just stay tonight

I want someone to have a solution.
I want someone to tell me what to do.
To tell me how to fix this.
To tell me how to make it all go away.
I want someone to walk up to me tomorrow and say "here, drink this glass of water and you
wont miss your mom, and your dad will love you and you wont be scared anymore."
I don't want to be scared anymore.

It's that time of year; Leave all your hopelessness' aside

I'm not sure why I defend him to everyone.
The same excuses he throws at me that I brush off
are the ones I spew to everyone else.
I feel so selfish or overdramatic to admit how hurt I am most of the time.
I can cry about my moms death (finally) but I can't tell my dad, or anyone else,
how much he's really hurt me.
Everyone knows he screwed up, and everyone knows I'm always mad at him.
No one knows how sad I am.
How unwanted I feel that he doesn't even remember my birthday,
or important dates, or promises he's made to me.
He can't even find the time to come to ONE of my jobie meetings.
He went on at my installation about how proud he is of me.
What a fraud.
He hasn't seen a single one of my meetings in 3 years.
He doesn't know which classes I have, what I want to do after school,
or that I'm scared to death to do my testimony in front of groups of total strangers.
More than that, in front of people I know. My best friends. There are things not even they know. And the entire thing would be news to him.
He tells me he loves me or that he's proud of me, but he knows nothing about me.
He doesn't even take the time to be interested in my life.
I feel so unwanted.
Like there's something wrong with me... like I'm doing something horrible to make him
so unable to pay attention to me.
I have all these dumb problems that I can talk to everyone about.
Problems with friends and school... but the way I deal with those is because of him.
It's like I need extra attention or love because he makes me feel so rejected.
I know Shawn tells me a lot that even if my real dad isn't around, I always
have my heavenly father. And I know that. I have no doubt.
I still need my EARTHLY dad around.I wish I didn't have to rely on him, but
I do. I'm pretty much stuck with him until I'm 18... and I don't want to leave as soon as I'm able. I don't want it to end like this. He's the only family I have. I don't stay in touch much with
my family on the mainland and my brother abandoned me and started a new life halfway across the country as fast as he could.
My dad, ironically, is all I have.
They always say your parents love you no matter what.
But mine will never care about me, no matter what I do.

If you're not trembling you better be

My WEEK(S)

Wednesday 7th - Curling with PE;
Bible Study

Friday 9th - Manhunt @ youthgroup

Saturday 10th - Junior Youth Council;
Camp staff interviews (eep);
Spaghetti Dinner w/ Jobies

Sunday 11th - Church (duh)
First Dangerous [Teen Devotional] {eep x2)
Rachel and Molly's (Un)Birthday (we made it up a couple years ago
to see if people noticed if we got up during birthday announcements at Jobies
...seven months before our actual birthday.

Sunday 18th-21st - RAW in Vancouver (ROAAAADTRIP)

Wednesday 21st-25th - Grand Sessions in Prince George (12 Hour Roadtrip... in a party bus!
Yeeeaaaah Kaitie, Emily, Kourtney, Mina and Nikki

So... pretty excited.

LOVE (In the eternal words of Michelle Latour "YUCK"!)

I know what I want...

I want the Romeo and Juliet, Cory and Tapanga, Eric and Donna, Zack and Kelly, Buffy and Angel, Dawson and Joey, Ryan and Marissa, Clark and Lana kind of love.

The made for TV kind.
The kind you know has to last forever.
Because it's TV.
(Unless you happen to: be a vampire + 1 soul who can never be with the only one you'll ever love; have died in a car fire; have moved suddenly to Africa; be Superman and be too pig headed to tell the girl you love your secret and be forced to marry some gross busybody reporter; or be part of some horrible plot twist [ie. Joey ending up with Pacey, srsly, WTF mate?])

The point is..
they were all destined to be together.
There was never any doubt.
I want that.
I don't want happily ever after
I just want forever.

Still learning thing I oughta know now.

Weekend was ah-maze-eng.
Went to Shawns and had a rad meeting.
I cried at a point, and Emma came and sat with me and kept giving me stuffed animals to make me feel better.
Sweetest little girl ever.
Shawn's like "I think she likes you"
Then Caitlyn, Daryl and I went to Caitlyns and started the Buffy extravaganza.
It was rad.
He eventually went home and Caitlyn and I ended up getting through about 30 or so hours... (we watched some ones we'd already seen... just to see Buffy and Angel "SOOO IN LOVE" )
It's become a total obsession.
It's not even right.
I went to school today and felt totally paranoid the whole time.
It's taken over my life.
I think I need a break.
...but watching the "Angel" spinoff doesn't count.

..especially the episodes when Buffy makes an appearance and they're SOOO IN LOVE

eh.

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
that's my newest poem
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
I like it. Although it makes me feel funny.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
what kind of funny
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Like, sad almost.
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Sad in an uncomfortable way.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
then my current emotions were expressed more than I thought
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
It makes me feel that way too
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
but I already feel like that
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Will you explain what's going on?
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
life just isn't so great right now, babe


-So your legs tremble.
You’ve found a conductor
A leaning post that wont talk back.
A electric jolt that surges through you
tingles to your toes
but doesn’t stop there.

-And so your lungs burn.
With every unsaid word
and every raw, uncut prayer.
So very coarse and unprocessed are the murmurs
so oafish and perfect
in all their simplicity; in all their mayhem

-And so your companions scatter.
Followers gather
and devotions brace.
And you’re searching for a stronghold
you’re seething from the inside
from the inside outward into the fire of a false soul.

-Yeah, so you’re scared.
Your everything burns with expectation and doubt
for what is and isn’t and will never be.
Well it’s more than all of that, sweetheart.
Stop running away and start charging head on
and don’t stop there.

-Okay, so you’re doubting yourself.
All you’re really doing is doubting him
and denying everything you’ve been taught.
Who is it really hurting
you could just jump out or quit
or quit monopolizing the simple stuff.

So here’s the thing.
You’re not fooling anyone-
yeah, it’s horrendously terrifying.
Yet you know it’s so painfully wonderful
wonderful and grueling
and yet isn’t that the point
nothing easy is ever worth it.

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
mention this conversation to her and I'll break every one of your bones.
She'll use her SCARY glares towards me.
/exaggerated shudder.
I don't have the crap-tolerance to deal with that
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
...I'm not happy
√L3NN says:
I bet you couldn't break those little bones in my ear
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
I'm pretty sure that once all the other ones are gone, you wont be worrying about your ears babydoll

Righteous and Wicket

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
I have RAW on spring break
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
raw?
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
rats and walrus;
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
walrus'
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
riots are weird
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
rain and water
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
its Ready And Willing.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
hehehe
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
righteous and whicket...


Man oh Man.
I just miss Sarah Boisselle

there there baby it's just textbook stuff; it's in the ABC of growing up.

Why oh WHY is it snowing in March?
This isn't even remotely right.
In any way shape or form.
And it's just supposed to snow more tonight and all day tomorrow.
I just emailed Mrs.Bourke about the jobie meeting tonight.
I'm so stressed out right now.
Stuff with my friends, with jobies.
The only thing that isn't stressing me out is youth group, dangerous, or church.
It's the thing that keeps me sane.
I wouldn't be able to handle all the rest of my problems without it.
And yet it's the thing causing so many problems with Rachel.
I know I spend more time there than with Job's Daughters.
I will always love Jobies, but youth group is just as important to me.
We're allowed to get expanded interests. Why is that a problem?
I'm not ignoring jobies for youth group.
I go to all the jobie events AND all the youth group ones.
They don't get in the way.
As for the God thing, I never asked her to love that I was a christian, just accept it.
I know that I wasn't like this when we were younger, but she wasn't like she is now either.
I'm sorry I've changed, but I like who I've become, I'm proud of myself.
For the first time in sooo long, I like what I am doing with my life, where I am headed.
Rachel has been my best friend for 7 years and that means a lot.
We're different people now, and maybe right now we just don;t mesh well together.
And if it gets to the point where I'm choosing over her and my beliefs, then she's not going to win.
I'll always love her. More than anyone else. She's been there through everything...
but maybe that's not enough. Maybe we're too different now.

In other news...
Next Saturday is Junior Youth Councils.
The people are coming to do live interviews of the teens applying to work at camp.
Eek.
17 days until RAW.
That's a little over two weeks.
Sooo stoked.
Grand sessions for Jobies in 22 days.
Then I get home and it's schooool again.
Grossy.
April is prom though,
and May is History Maker.
June school ends.
Then Summer Vaca!
<33
Can't wait for the next few months!

lovelovelove Chickas and Papa Citos!

Mala

Just close your eyes but keep your mind wide open - Leslie Burke

Saw Bridge to Terabithia tonight with Caitlyn, Morin, and Daryl.
We cried.
Everyone.
Even Morin and Daryl.
Daryl will deny it.
But it's true.

Caitlyn and I also planned our Buffy marathon weekend.
Every five hours (22 hours of episodes) we have to get up and go for a walk.
And other people (ie Dorothy) can come and go during the marathon
but we must be there throughout the entire thing.
Friday we have a meeting at Shawn's house at 7, but Caitlyn said she'll just bring her laptop
so that wont get in our way.

Yeah... we're pathetic.
Awesomely pathetic.





Dear Mommy,

We started out so brand new
But now it seems that nothing can change your mind
I have seen your city lights
But have you seen my country skies

Watch the world go twirling by

And perhaps it's common fears
Or uncommon hearts
That makes us insincere
And torn apart

But when will I learn
Love is just my fantasy disguised
An angel without wings can hardly fly
And love without a dream it will not survive

But now I can see
I am lucky just to have a heart
Discovery will knock you on your knees
And lonely tears can only hope to freeze
Yeah, they'll freeze and fall on down

And so our sun is sinking low
And your spirit's close behind
But there's something you should know now
That you're on my mind

But where are you now
When will you share your winter nights?

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has punishment. John 4:18

My Upcoming Week

Monday - Shopping for Jobie favours (when I'm not practicing my 8 pages of memory work for
the Tribute Meeting!)

Tuesday - Skating with PE (!!!)
- Volunteer Appreciation Dinner @ Church

Wednesday - Bible Study @ Church

Thursday - Jobies - 3rd meeting and Ethel T Wead Mick Tribute Ceremony

Friday - Dangerous meeting at Shawn's - 7pm (If i don't do this, I WILL forget)

Weekend - Buffy Marathon @ Caitlyn's (not even kidding.)

So I'm not sure quite how I feel right about now.
Full circle was amazing tonight and I'm somewhat looking forward to the next week.
I mean, I have no reason not to... but there's a bunch of stuff pushing me down that I can't quite pinpoint. My life seems to be making sense. I know who I want to be, and where I'm going in life.
At this moment I just wish I knew who I was. I'm usually fairly sure. I know it's been hard lately. With Rachel wanting me to be like I used to, with others wishing I wasn't even here. And me.
I don't know what I've been doing to myself.
It scared me today at full circle when the thought passed through my head
"It'd feel really good right now to just leave all this behind and give in"
It was like an craving to deny God. It scared me so much.
I snapped out of it but I'm not sure what to do about it.
Definitely read my bible.
I didn't even tell Caitlyn, which is usually the first thing I do when stuff like this happens.
But I know she'd just tell me to read my bible anyway, which, duh, I could've figured that one
out on my own.
It's cool that Sherdan's back. I missed that kid a lot.
Things from a few months ago keep popping up.
Like him, and dreams about old friends... and I'm not sure quite what's going on.
It's like I'm aching to move backwards.
But I don't WANT to.
Something does.
But it is definitely not me.
Man I am so scared right now.

Things I Love

This is going to be my official list of things I just love.
Reason to be absolutely grateful for every single thing I have.
So whenever I feel horrible I can pull up this list and remember
why my life is totally worth i.

I'm going to start it off this way

Good Golly [Miss Molly] Drew A Line In The Sand; Jumped Across And Held Your Hand says:
how are we getting to church tomorrow
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
God
Good Golly [Miss Molly] Drew A Line In The Sand; Jumped Across And Held Your Hand says:
He's gonna drive us in his AlmightyMobile?
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I hope so


Because, let's face it, I just love dumb conversations with Caitlyn Spence

■ God and how he's this totally rad force that is with me no matter what. I can totally hate him at times and blame him for everything wrong in my life and he still just loves me like crazy.
Nothing could top that.
■ How people just call Daryl "Darl" all the time now.
■ How Carlye sings on webcam... a lot.
■ Watching 4 hours of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Caitlyn.
■ How my friends love me so much that if I'm not online for, like, 2 hours, they call to make sure everything's okay.
■ How Michelle totally hates anyone who doesn't love me. No questions asked.
■ My youth group. 'Nuff said.
■ How much Shawn cares. Not just for me, but for every single freaking person he knows. It's pretty much amazing.
■ My hair. I am grateful for my hair. And for Caitlyn. My hair created by Caitlyn.
■ Conversations about nothing with Michelle, Caitlyn and Carlye.
■ Conversations about the bible + tongues with Morin.
■ How Chris has been through so much and he still has so much love left to spread around.
He's a one of a kind superstar.
■ That a person like Mrs.Van is alive. NO KIDDING

More later
I need sleep now.
Ick.
Full school week all over again tomorrow

Man oh man, I just love Caitlyn Spence

Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
what haaappenedd?
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
buhhhhh?
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
well
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
its 12
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I came to your house this morning
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
SERIOUSLY??
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I knocked and honked!
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
sorry :(
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
it's okay!
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
want to come over and watch Buffy?