Alright, don't worry even if things end up a bit too heavy; We'll all float on alright

Does anyone else remember that song?
Float on, by Modest Mouse.
I sure do.
It was the summer before grade 10. The summer that promised to be the best one of our lives.
Now if I ever had to make up a soundtrack of my life, that song would definitely represent that entire summer. It was blasting non-stop from my boombox in our campsite on the rodeo grounds.
Lennie, Shannon, Veronica and I hummed it everywhere we went. It was reassurance for ourselves and a promise to eachother; that we'd be best friends forever.
Now whether we were or not isn't what matters. It's the fact that one single pseudo-popular song can embody within itself an entire chapter of ones life. I find it pretty remarkable.
We're talking about classical conditioning in psychology right now. How someone can be conditioned to respond a certain way to a particular stimulus.
Every time I hear that song, I instantaneously recollect Veronica and I eating 500 packets of Blitz(™) until they tore at our stomach linings and forced us to be laid up in a bed hallucinating sheep making out on the tent walls (well, that was my specific symptom... Shannon can vouch for me), ice cream headaches, sneaking out at 3am to the beach with Shannon, sitting on my roof with Lennie deliberating about life's mysteries, swimming in Stephy's pool, living at Tori's for about 2 months, BBQ's at Bev and John's (throwing plums at cars with Danika, Tori and Steve) and parties in the cowboy lounge.

So maybe we didn't all stay best friends forever, but I don't think that matters so much.
The point is, each and every one of us will probably remember something from that summer
that changed us, even if it was in a minute way.
And together or apart, we all did float on alright.

Two sides of the same coin

No, I never did say it was worth it.
I said a lot of things; that I needed you, that you were my other half.
No, we never did say it would last forever.
We hooked pinkies and promised it was for life.
Okay, so I admit it, there was always that sneaking suspicion,
that either you or I would find something better. Something worth it.
No, we never did truly thank each other.
For the hours of condolences through a telephone wire.
And no, we never did actually apologize.
For the tear stains left on the shoulders of sweaters.
But you know what the things is about stuff like that?
I don’t think you have to.
You shouldn’t have to.
You don’t want to.
The distinction between forever and two months is insignificant.
So you leave it unspoken.
And yeah, maybe it ends.
But that just means it was real.

Molly Woodford

Blah

I hate how my friends always bring up graduation and all the moms sitting together and crying and being all best friend-y.
i hate mother daughter moments.
and how everyone assumes that you have a mom on mothers day
or how I'm going to grow up and get married and not know what the hell I'm doing and have no one to help me.

I am taking this night to be selfish and cry about how everyone has a mom except me.
Yes, EVERYONE.
Except my cousin-in-law Elisabeth.
And Courtney.
And that kid Andy from my grade 9 science class.

i hate mothers day.
and I hate mother daughter day camps.
i hate the stupid moms who take 15 million prom pictures and grad pictures and save baby teeth.
and i hate the jewelry box in the closet that has all my baby teeth in it.
I hate the moms who scream loud on graduation day and embarrass their kids.
and sit on couches and hear about their kids first broken hearts.


Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
mothers day is a pretty hateable day
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
mother daughter camps sound dumb, I've never been and never would like to
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
My mom throws up at baby teeth, and threw all mine out
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
and I too would hate a box full of teeth in my closet

Yea - FYI: Crisis is still unsolved by the way

Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
CAITLYN
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
MAKE ME STOP FALLING IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
Molly
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
It'll never work between us
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
Sorry Caitlyn,
you're not my type.
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
wait, no
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
I'M doing the turning down here

On the radio

This is how it works
You're young until you're not
You love until you don't
You try until you can't
You laugh until you cry
You cry until you laugh
And everyone must breathe
Until their dying breath.
No, this is how it works
You peer inside yourself
You take the things you like
And try to love the things you took
And then you take that love you made
And stick it into some
Someone else's heart
Pumping someone else's blood
And walking arm in arm
You hope it don't get harmed
But even if it does
You'll just do it all again

I got to sit on the patented Alex-recliner... wow.

So this mother's day has been pretty uneventful.
I went to church, helped Major June with Sunday School; the kids made Mother's Day cards, and I made a Mother's day boat. Shawn helped. He had to be in there because Katie was being bratty.
He ended up making the mast and sail himself. He likes to make boats?
Then they did the the thing where they get all the kids in the church to go to the front and choose a carnation to give their mom, and then go around and give other carnations to all the other moms in the church. I went around with Essie (what a cute kid) and gave them to the women working in the kitchen and the mom's who were in the nursery with their babies.
Shawn gave me three carnations, in 3 different colors, to add to my boat.
One is being dried right now.
I actually have 4, because Emma was playing tag while holding hers (her and Katie don't understand the concept of "give flower to mommy" yet, and after they hand them to Krista like instructed, ask for them back again.) so it broke, and she gave it to me.
(It sounds like a sweet thing to do, but really it was like "My 'fwower' broke. I don't want it. You can have it." and Emma throwing a pink carnation at me.)
After church I went to the Perry's with Chelsea and Alex [and Morin, Mary, Carlye, Charis, Daryl, Kirsten and Ricky... and baby McDonald!] ...Although, to be fair, there were no actually "Perry"s at the Perry house.
Dave went out for lunch with HIS mom, Shirley was in Vancouver to see HER mom, Danae was at work (it was actually pretty funny. She was supposed to give Carlye and Morin a ride home... and Charis, but she lives with her, so it's kind of implied... but as we were all walking out to the cars she was like "Wait. Do I work today? I WORK AT 12? *looks at watch* I WORK IN NINE MINUTES! I HAVE TO GO TO WORK, NO ONE CAN RIDE WITH ME!" and she drives away.
So Carlye had to squeeze into Shawn's truck with him, Krista, Emma and Katie and Charis had to squish into Ricky's truck. Morin got a ride with me, Alex, Chelsea (+ baby) and Mary.)
and Chelsea is a McDonald now. I guess Daryl could kind of count, since he lives at the Perry's, but whatever... back to my day.

So we hung around there for awhile and Alex told Kirsten to sit on her face, and then I challenged him to sit on his own face... and he tried. Other stuff like that happened all afternoon.
(And I wonder... is Alex really ready for fatherhood?)
Then we all went home.
Pretty uneventful, but good.

Happy Mother's Day mommy.. I miss you, I love you, thank-you for being the best mom I could have ever asked for.

Fidelity

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music

And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart

Suppose I never, ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never, ever let you kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never, ever saw you
Suppose you never, ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs just to break my own fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Just to break my fall
Break my fall
Break my fall

All my friends say that of course it's gonna get better
Gonna get better
Better better better better better better better

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost
In the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And It breaks my heart

I hear in my mind
All of these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind
All of this music
And it breaks my heart
And it breaks my heart
and It Breaks my Heart
when it Breaks my heart
but it breaks my heart
when it breaks my heart
breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart
and it breaks my heart

Went to the fair with Katelyn and spent a lot of time with Rio and Candice.

Now I'm tired.
Lots of drunks on a bus at 11:30 on a Saturday.

...I miss Caitlin


My name: Molly Caitlin and Rachel are thebestest woodford-Cathcart-Ireland

Summarize me in three words: I love You

Where did we meet: Jobies

Take a stab at my middle name: sexy?

How long have you known me: 7 years

When is the last time that we saw each other: majority ceremony april 6

Do I drink: yes?


Do I smoke: no

Am I happy: most of the time...cause i love you

Am I a good person: werd

What was your first impression of upon meeting me/seeing me: shes short

What's one of my favorite things to do: sleepover at Caities house

Am I funny: hilarious

How do you make me smile: be caitie

What's my favorite type of music: caitlin

Have you ever seen me cry: yes

Can I sing?: not all the time

What is the best feature about me: your awesomeness

Am I shy or outgoing: hahahahahah!

Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules: rebel

Do I have any special talents: your strange ability to be spectacular

Would you call me preppy, average, sporty, punk, hippie, glam, nerdy, snobby, or something else (what): gay...yup definatley gay

Have you ever hugged me: thats a dumb question

Kissed me?: yuppers

What is my favorite food: samiches and juice boxes...oh wait thats mine

Have you ever had a crush on me: i still do

Am I dating anyone: i think so

If there was one good nickname for me,
what would it be?: mollypantssss

What's your favorite memory of me?: sleepovers and roadtrips

What is my worst habit: spazzing


If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what is the one thing I would bring?: a canada flag

Are we friends?: nope

Do I believe in God?: yup

Am I family oriented?: kinda

Who is my best friend?: Caitlin

Will you repost this so I can do it?:
i already did

I just wish I were sleeping.

Sooo amazing

So my night was pretty rad, even though I got a bloody nose from piggy back wrestling.
(Ben and I are the ultimate duo and totally deserved to win)
So the photo montage beginsssss...

-----------------------------------------


Ben and I like to mirror murder mysteries on my digital camera

The following people endured the wrath of Katelyn Bledsoe






Keeley Mowatt: Ordinary 14 year old now, but
future supermodel all in due time.

The war hadn't even started yet, this was just
during the making of the bombs.

Flour bomb waaaars

The Idea: The Grand Tower of Youth Groupia!

The Construction: Rome was not built in a day,
but this poorly planned tower was built in 30 seconds

The downfall: Poor poor Tower of Youth Groupia (actually, this may
or may not have been my fault, as I was the top of the tower
and I kind of slipped.)

Caitlyn loves her spaghetti, crackers and rice pudding

Caitlyn puking her spaghetti, crackers and rice pudding

Caitlyn + Morin = SOOO in love (he is not stoked)

Best friiiiiiends (bright flaaaaash)


...also, I love Michelle Hetu... a lot.

Michelle Hetu (Wellington Secondary School) wrote
at 11:15pm on May 11th, 2007

"Molly Woodford
is wishing that every single male on the planet would do her a favour and drop off the face of it for a little while."

i have an idea on how we can make this happen.
i say that you and i go to wal-mart and see if we can buy a gun, and if that fails, we go to a gun store and buy huge machine guns like the terminator had, then we go all rambo on the male species.. and then once all the men are dead, we have a picnic with juice boxes and little pb&j sandwiches minus the bread crust, and reflect on our good work. and since most police officers and political people are males, we won't have to worry about being in any trouble.
it's a fool-proof plan. =]
oh, and after we exterminate the male species, we can send their bodies to outer space so that they can't become zombies and eat our brains.
at least not on earth.

Almost Summerrr Town Fair

Good way to spend a Wednesday.
Fair and Friends.<3


Shawn and Katie... who is crying. Good parenting.


"Grandma", Katie, Emma and Shawn


Katelyn + Molly + Roller coaster


Daryl + Morin = n00bs


Katelyn's bum


Daryl cried on this ride.


Taylor and K-dawg's heads?


Deep introspective pictures of Kate and Mary's butts


Kaaatee


Daryl's "sexy" model pose


Daryl's legs with their irregular growth patterns.

ARHAGH

I am sooo stressed out!

Tonight I have practice/donut string at Karen's
Tomorrow is a practice for initiation for jobies and then youth group
(even though they PROMISED not to put practices at the same time as youth group.
I am sooo pissed)
Saturday is the bottle drive at 9am and then a serving right after
Sunday I have church
Monday I'm back to school all over again.
Thursday I have the photography trip to Emily Carr on Granville Island,
we get back at 6:30, and then I have to race to jobies for the initiation.
Friday we head'r to History Maker and I'm doing the play, my testimony AND
taking care of all the kids???

That doesn't include my psychology tests, photography deadlines, 3747 History Maker forms to fill out, criminal record check for taking care of children, permission forms for Emily Carr,
and memorizing all my lines for the play.


HELP!!!

Does anyone else find high school particularly painful?
I don't know what I'd do without my friends... I oinly have 3 classes, and one
of them is PE... yet that building makes me nauseous.
I am so thankful for the weather right now.
I live for lunchtimes outside cartwheeling with Joanne and Katelyn or beating up Derek and Tiffany.
...Or 15 people nerd circles around Jareth.
Good times.
Only a month or so til Summerrrr... and no more NDSS... ever.

(Deep down I love that school... I promise.
Very deep.)

I miss my best friend

√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
i remember that
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
when you told me that
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
vividly
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
really?
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
yeah
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
i remember you telling me you say goodnight to her before you sleep
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
i was thinking about it a couple weeks ago
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
its almost been three years
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
No it hasn't :P
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
well
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
two and a half
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
okay
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I'll give you that
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
last i checked it was February
now its may
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
time flies when you dont go to school :P
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i miss being your best friend
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
how did so many things change
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
without anyone noticing
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we'll never know
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we just did what we thought we wanted to
and it took awhile
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we all passed time
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
Remember when we promised we'd always be best friends?
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
find me that conversation
and ill remember
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
haha
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I dont think it was MSN
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
it was before that
In our text message and 9 hr phone conversation stage
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
and id always go to bed by 11 so i could get 8 hours sleep
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
ALWAYS
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we'd start talking at about 430 or 5
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
and that night we stayed up til 4am, so the next day at school we planned to fall asleep on the tables in the art room with "do not disturb" signs on our necks
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
yeah
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
we were sweet
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
obvs


-----


√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
i need to go to sleep
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
for your 8 + hours?
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
mmm!
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
gnight lennie
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
we'll be best friends again one day
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
otay
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
nightmolly
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
we have to fulfill the BFF prophecy
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
night lenn
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
love you
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
<3
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
<34
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
haha
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
sweet
√L3NN "It's a good thing we took the time to build these constructicons... in this cave" says:
grade nine <34

Pokemon & Ex Beaus

Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
don't make me make an irresistible puppy dog face
$uper[ben] says:
do your worst
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I'm braiding my hair
$uper[ben] says:
lol
$uper[ben] says:
ok
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
besides
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
you can't see me
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
so my puppy dog face would be put to waste
$uper[ben] says:
it'd still be funny
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i could just say i did it
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
but actually do nothing at all
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
it's my strongest move
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I'm not going to waste it
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
it'll take all my energy
$uper[ben] says:
well then
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
I'm like a Pokemon or something
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
...i stayed home Saturday and watched pokemon, okay?
$uper[ben] says:
whys that?
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i needed a day of rest
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
and there was nothing else on
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
except a pokemon marathon
$uper[ben] says:
someones a little defensive
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i actually got a little into it
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
besides the fighting, there's a sizzling subplot
$uper[ben] says:
i used to watch it
$uper[ben] says:
but then they kept adding stuff
$uper[ben] says:
i liked my pokemon better when there was 151
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
i remember when EVERYONE had pokemon cards
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
and my friends and i didn't get into it
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
except i found this bat one on the playground
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
and Lennie was gonna pay me to give it to him
$uper[ben] says:
zubat??
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
sure...
$uper[ben] says:
or possibly golbat
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
...wow Ben

---

Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
he was a black bat
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
zubat is blue
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
...that did not just come out of my mouth
$uper[ben] says:
dun dun dunnn

I love best friends

Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
Oh Chris, It felt amazing and I feel sooo loved.
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
but i need sleep now
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
lovelovelove
.:Chris:. -||- .We Pick Our Battles Long Before We Fight Them. -||- says:
Night Mahala Atsopinanopolita<3
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
Night Prince Christopherofolus<3

Blast from the past

Okay,
weirdest thing ever?
So, from the time I was 6 and a half I had two best friends, Alice and Joanne.
They moved there from England and our moms became best friends.
We were all major BFF.
Like sooo close bestfriends.
The "sleep over on a schoolnight cause we pretty much live together anyway" best friends.
Anyway, in the end of grade 6 we moved to Parksville.
I remember Helen (their mom) and my mom (Ellen... funny) cried sooo hard.
Al, Jo and I were like whatever, because we still went to school together.
But I guess when our moms stopped spending time together, so did we.
We weren't in the same classes and we made more friends outside our circle of friends.
The last time I talked to them was at my mom's memorial service.
Helen (who I, at one time, remember calling Mom) was crying harder than anyone else.
She didn't even know my mom was sick.
After the service we hugged and I swear Helen didn't want to let go.
Then I left with Rachel, Veronica and Tori and they went their own way, too.
My next point is, Facebook is the most amazing thing.
I just got this message from noneother than Joanne Vinden.

WOW!!! Molly!! you look absolutley AMAZING in your prom pics!!!!!
was it a fun night?? it's been soo long since we've heard from you!
this is intense, whatcha been up to? mum sends her love
and says you look beautiful:):) alice says hi too!!!


I knew she had a facebook but I didn't really send her a message or anything because
I didn't know what we really were anymore.
Best friends for 7 years? Strangers for 6?
Which one overpowers?
It feels so amazing to know that people that you have completely parted ways with
can still hold a place for you in their hearts, or people from your past still care.

I swear I can hear my mom crying right now.
(Happy tears, naturally)
She's missed her best friend so much.

Catch The Wind

In the chilly hours and minutes of uncertainty, I long to be in the warm hold of your love and mind.
To feel you all around and to take your hand along the sand, I may as well try and catch the wind.
When sundown pales the sky, I wanna hide away behind your smile.
Everywhere I look, your eyes I'd find.
For me to love you now, would be the sweetest thing.
Would make me sing.
But I may as well try and catch the wind.
When rain has hung the leaves with tears, I want you here to count my fears.
To help me leave all my blues behind.
For standing in your heart, it's where I wanna be, and I'll long to be.
But I may as well try and catch the wind.

Secret Oath

I'm racking my brain
trying to comprehend
how, for some unknown reason, our status will remain as friends.
I'm destroying my mind
trying to understand how with little to no effort
you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands

There was not a single spark
when my lips landed on yours in the dark,
but regardless of what happens next
you're my beloved, you just don't know it yet

Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not

We're murdering our lives
trying to make it work,
but you and I both know that we are a lost cause
and nothing more than specks on this earth

Tonight I made a secret oath
to keep chasing after you
and I am not going to stop
whether you like it or not

Chris Bridge = Amazing

What makes us who we are? Our life experiences? Or is our personalities marked out from birth? Will I ever stop asking rhetorical questions and then going on and on about them? The question I want to address and rant about today is “Are we truly in reality, or is this world nothing but an illusion to suit us?”

I remember being in elementary school and collecting the ‘Animorph’ book series where humans copied the DNA of animals and transformed into them in order to combat an alien race that enslaved the human race. I think this was the first time I ever began wondering ‘Just where the hell am I?” I remember reading that the aliens in the book needed to feed every 3 days and they went to a mysterious layer to do so.

I look back at that time and laugh at my fears. I remember stalking my dad to make sure he wasn’t being controlled by one of these aliens, but I never could keep an eye on him for three days straight. As far as I know, he could still be. What I’m getting at is not that I have a melodramatic way of looking at things, but rather just where are we?

How can you honestly be sure that when you touch the keyboard by your monitor that you’re truly feeling the plastic keys? How do you know that when you have a pop and feel refreshed that you’ve actually tasted it? There have been rumours and experiences that have the world under the impression that you can never completely trust what you see or what you hear; magicians and sound effects are great examples of this. Just because you saw it doesn’t mean it happened or just because it sounds like glass breaking doesn’t actually mean and glass was in fact broken to make that noise.

So what makes you think that you can trust what you can feel and what you can taste? You can’t trust what you smell because they’ve managed to manufacture smells of fruits into other things besides that actual fruit. Honestly speaking, I know what orange smells like but I’ve never actually gotten a scent from an orange. Yeah, you’re probably thinking I’m nuts because I’m so paranoid about this but you yourself don’t know if this reality is a reality at all.

Come on now, if you haven’t seen the matrix let me explain it – don’t dismiss my idea just because I’m a big fan of the trilogy though. In the matrix, computer programs are hooked up to people’s brains and in a way puts them to sleep. They dream that the world they live in, the things they taste, the things they feel are in fact real. There was a quote from one of the bad guys in the movie as he struck a deal with another villain:

“I know that when I put this steak in my mouth… the matrix is telling my brain that is tender and juicy… and you know what I’ve realized? Ignorance is bliss.”

I’m not saying the matrix is real or anything because I personally don’t believe it; it was just a movie. The little hints like that is what got to me; Ignorance truly is bliss. What about all these psychics and magicians you see nowadays? What if they’re some of the few people in this world that were able to see that “Hey! This world isn’t completely real…” and because they saw that this so called “reality” was a ploy, they’ve been able to manipulate it? Far fetched, I know but it’s just a thought. And personally, you’ll never be able to prove it.

None of us will. Reality is an abstract concept that holds no true meaning to it. It’s one of the few words I despise because it’s never been proven or seen for that matter and yet people insist that it’s there. The words Reality, Forever, Nothing, Everything and others among those terms really get to me. How can anyone have everything? How can someone feel nothing? How can Forever be real if there’s an end to everything? What about this reality bullshit? We see flaws in this world that make no sense and have no true definition, and yet we choose to remain naïve and pretend they were never there.

I’ve come too close to dying way too many times to believe there’s a mere coincidence in the way things in this world are conducted. I don’t know for certain if there’s a god; no one does, and anyone who has the balls to stand up to me and tell me flat out that there is a god better bring some bloody proof. And no, bibles don’t fucking count. You can’t believe anything anymore. No one, nothing (these horrible words can be used for this) can be truly trusted.

You never know if tomorrow, your clock could hit 8:00AM and the sun still won’t be up. You don’t know that the sun will rise tomorrow; you just assume it because it happens so often. You don’t know that you’ll still be breathing in the next few minutes; you just assume it because you’ve been doing it for so long. You don’t know how anyone feels because lies are much, much too easy to pull off now.

When it comes down to it, the heart and mind (Who have the nicknames of Skittles and Mittens to me) never tell the truth as it is. Skittles in me is abstract and rather scattered; he lies to no end. Why? Because he knows that the truth hurts people and people matter to him. Nothing is better than knowing that you caused someone to smile in his opinion, so he’d downright lie in order for you to smile. The truth isn’t an option when emotions come into play.

Mittens in me is literally the pessimist; he tells things negatively and often they’re correct. He despises Skittles whereas Skittles adores him. He’s cold-hearted and does what needs to be done, nothing more nothing less. Often I find Skittles lies to me… a lot. He knows I need to hear something positive and he tries to give me false hope, but Mittens takes his thoughts to hell by shooting at them because he knows that the final result in any of Skittles lies are pain.

Why does the mind resent the heart? Because we all have hearts that dare to give a shit for others; the same people who have their hearts lying to others in order for them to feel happy. Nothing said to anyone is truly believable; nothing in this world is real. There is no proof that we aren’t living in some fucked up virtual reality. Every time Skittles reaches out to embrace someone, he ultimately causes pain in them or himself, and when he hurts so does Mittens.

I’ve done a lot of soul searching recently and came to a conclusion on why I feel so wretched most of the time. It’s because I can’t trust people like I used to; I used to believe them when they said they were okay and later find out that they were hurting themselves in some form or fashion. That made me feel horrible because I didn’t press them for information, I couldn’t help them. It was preventable and I couldn’t help them because I wasn’t trustworthy enough.

I started this rant this morning and from the moment I got through the second page I felt numb. I had come to these realizations, and I now know for certain who I am. I’m not going to write it, but I know why I feel horrible and that’s because my heart feels guilty. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have, and I’m feeling a lot of regret but I understand what I’ve got to do. Things that I’ve done in the past are things I can never change, and that’s why I have to look back, acknowledge and be certain that I don’t repeat it. I’ll be sure to show the world the best of me.

As for now? I’m going to kick back and let life drag me along. Whatever will be will be and whatever happens tomorrow will happen then and like always, I’ll take on the problem standing firmly rooted and let it come headfirst. I know now that I am strong. I’m not letting myself be pushed around anymore. I’ll show the world that I can take it on with a grin just like I know I can. There are reasons for everything that happens whether this reality is real or not. Nothing is coincidental in my mind.

As for what makes us who we are? I don’t think anything makes us the way we are. No one makes up your own mind; you do it on your own. Influence is a possibility, but I stand firm by my belief of who we are in this world. We are only who we make ourselves to be…