I'm finding it hard just to be with you

Hmm, well..
I've been semi-sleeping for about 45 minutes, but when that failed, I decided to write something, with the half-hope that someone wakes up so that I have someone to talk to.
Wow. I'm selfish.
Tonight I keep having flashbacks to my conversation with Caitlyn, about how I wished I had gotten to know my mom better and how there are huge gaps in my life's story that only she could provide me the answers to. I sometimes envy my friends because of the conversations they have with their moms about them growing up, or their mom's own life experiences. There's no other way I can get some of that information, and it pains me. I was talking to Michelle tonight about how I'm over my mom's death. And I am... it's the fact that she's not alive that I still have trouble with.

Love is all you have, but you don't have a clue what it's costing you

Okay, so today is one of those times that I felt like I should post a blog, but have no idea what to say. And saying the first thing that pops into my head normally gets me into trouble.
Wish me luck!
Okay, so I was talking to Pearlanne the other night, and that's always amazing because... well... Pearlanne Gray is amazing.
She was talking about this guy Mechizedek, who is mentioned in the bible, as well as a God people had named Zedek. Talking to her about it made me have a real thirst for knowledge. Just general bible knowledge. I really wish there was a bible study for that because Pearlanne and I both noted that we had exhausted our resources and the next step was to ask the Majors. Now, I love Shawn's bible study, and what we're learning. All about what we really mean to God, and those movies are great and everything and I am learning a lot... but when was the last time I discussed the actual Bible with someone? I mean, besides Pearlanne. Probably not since Caitlyn was here, and that was only a few times, and that was probably my own fault. I mean, Cait had tons of knowledge and I should have taken advantage of it... but oh well.
So now I'm kind of... stuck.
And I know, I know, I CAN read my bible alone, but I enjoy the discussion. I like discussing eternity, I like discussing who these people were, how they lived, and how we relate to eachother.
I'm *this* close to starting a bible study just for that. But I guess Shawn has to approve it or something back in August.
Lame.

Kay, that's all. Time for Mike's football game.
GRACE

And in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me

So my Halloween was pretty enjoyable. Spent some time over at Michelle's where we watched our fav movie (yay best friends!) and ate the best chicken club pizza in the world.
Timmy was fully being a tool, but what else is new.
I just love all of my friends so much. Everyday I feel so blessed to have every single one of them in my life, even though I may not make it clear. I thank Ben a lot for existing, and I'm pretty sure I tell 'Chelle she's amazing each and every day, but what would I do without them?
Seriously, I spend pretty much every night with Michelle and Mike just driving around in her car. And Carlye has been around for me for the past 2 years like you wouldn't believe. Even though Caitlyn's gone... well, come on, I live in her flippin' house! Vangi is amazing and it breaks my heart that I don't see her as much as I should. Tyler is just there whenever anyone needs him and he can put a smile on my face in a heartbeat. There are just so many people that I honestly owe my life to. Michelle and I were talking in the car tonight about how it's not going to be like this forever. Eventually, (sooner, rather than later) she's going to be in nursing school, Mike's going to be some football star at some ivy league college, Tyler's going to be off at Booth changing the world... and there will be no late night hang out sessions, or 16 person sleepovers at my house. There wont be anymore weekends of the boys hopped up on '5 hour energy' singing at the top of their lungs in my room, or nights at the beach in Michelle's car. And I'm not going to lie, it scares me. It scares me to death. We're all going to be going our own ways soon, and I can't imagine a life without these people. Like Michelle said, we're expected to all be married (to each other, if the congregation has it their way) with children in a few years... and we can't really fit in nights at the beach then.
In other news, I'm really struggling with my past. I fear it so much, and it has me near paranoia. It's as if I believe it's going to come up to get me. I have a new and better life now, new and better friends, I have God (well, I always had Him, I just didn't know it), my church, the entire congregation... and yet, it all comes back to what everyone from 3 years ago thinks of me. Do they see that I'm happy, I'm healthy? Do they see the hundreds of amazing friends I have?
The strange thing is... opinions don't matter to me much. I have full belief that the only opinion that matters is God's. I don't pay much thought to what people think of me now. I demand respect from the kids in youth group, and I pray that they see me as a leader, and I always hope that people see who I am, and that I don't hide behind a mask, like I used to... but if someone doesn't like the person I am, than I don't pay much heed. However, I guess the little 15 year old inside of me cares. So can everyone pray over that right now? I want to let it go... I want to five it up. I honestly cannot grow if I'm not at peace, and if ALL of me is not willing to grow with me.
Well, I work in the morning... so, Grace.

ps. Seriously though, my friends are so rad.

Hold on

So I found that semi-lame Jet song I used to listen to a lot before and after my mom died.
I've always had this small feeling that my testimony is somewhat false, because I talk about why I felt the way I did, like I was wearing a mask, but I didn't know that at the time, so how do I know that's not just my perception of it now, but it could have just been who I was then?
Then I heard this song, and remembered why I liked it. Because the lyrics just seemed to make sense to me. I don't know, it was just a really strange revelation for me.
Maybe the me now knows the me then better than I thought I did.

You tried so hard to be someone
That you forgot who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
‘Til all you had spilled over
Now everything is so far away
That you don’t know where you are, you are

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

When it’s hard to be yourself
It’s not to be someone else
Still everything is so far away
That you forget where you are, you are

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to

Hold on

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

I've lost myself for good within Your promise, and I won't hide it... I won't hide it

So tonight bible study was pretty great.
In fact, as a whole, my day was pretty great.
I'm still nervous at work for the most part, and although I had a really amazing time until the last 2 hours, I ended my shift feeling really disheartened and inadequate. I stood there, close to tears, and prayed to God for some sense of accomplishment... anything. Then, as I was walking out the door, Nicole stopped me and told me that I'd done a really good job today, and she was sorry for placing me in the situation that she did at the end of the day when I hadn't been trained on it yet and it was completely her fault, not mine, and that I did terrific.
Wild truth was pretty great, too. Tyler and I totally ad-libbed the entire thing, and rocked at it, if I do say so myself... although I'm pretty sure that was more Tyler than me. He's pretty much incredible or something.
We watched another Nooma video today, and I've decided that Rob Bell is a spectacular person.
Everything he says just seems so raw, but so perfect; exactly what we needed to hear.
He talked about rainstorms in our life... how we cry out for God and that's when he comes to help us. He used the analogy of his baby son crying when they were out in the rain. His sons only reality was the rain right then, and he couldn't understand anything beyond that. Like when our life is going through trouble and we are burdened, that's when we don't feel God, even though that's when he's there for us the most. And he took his son and wrapped him in his arms the whole way home through the rain and whispered "I love you buddy, Dad is going to get you home, it's going to be okay" over and over again.
and that we should know that when we are in pain that God loves us and he knows how to get us home and it's going to be okay.
Since our bible study started watching these videos, I've been interested in Rob Bell.
This quote is from his book Velvet Elvis, and it's amazing... obviously.
Will creation always be like this? Fractured? Chaotic? This has been the question for thousands of years. And central to the Jewish world of Jesus was the belief that God not only hadn’t given up on creation but was also actively at work within it, bringing it back to how he originally intended it to be. The prophets had a way of talking about this restoration movement of God’s. They spoke of God reclaiming the earth and restoring the world. They did not talk about people going somewhere else at the end of time. They talked about God coming here at the end of time.
Notice what Jesus says about the end of the world in Matthew. “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne…”
Jesus uses an important word here: renewal.
Jesus describes his return as rebirth, a regeneration, a renewal.
Remember, when God made the world, he called it good. Why would God destroy something he thinks is good?

….In Jesus, God is putting it all back together.

Of course, I must make it clear that I am not idolizing this man in any way. I do fully comprehend that these amazing words are not his, but God's. But the mouth out of which they flow is a blessing, not only to me, but to everyone who hears them. Okay... that's all.

PJ Parties

Michelle says:
omgosh
Michelle says:
me and mike hang out every night already whats gonna happen when he gives up tv?
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
he'll just sleep over
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
you guys can have PJ parties
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and eat popcorn
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and talk about boyssss
Michelle says:
haha
Michelle says:
shut up mols :P
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and read girly mags
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and watch tear jerkers
Michelle says:
lol shut up mols
Michelle says:
seriously
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and tell secretssss
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and play MASH
Michelle says:
lol
Michelle says:
MOLLY
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
As long as you guys still hang out with me
Michelle says:
lol
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
because outside of hanging out with you and mike, my life has very little texture

We beg, we pray, but everything still happens anyway

So, this weekend I went to my first high school party.
Well, no... I went to a couple in grade nine and stuff, but nothing too severe.
I always felt a little inadequate for missing that part of high school. I mean, I'm content with my life, but there was always a piece of me that wondered.
Well, now I know. And I'm glad I never went that path.
I went there with Tiffany, Allyson and Katelyn (Katelyn was dead set upon going, and we've learned not to argue with her) and we stayed for 45 minutes, tops. We just kind of stood there observing. I'm not saying it didn't look like it could have been fun if that was the type of person I was, but I'm not.... and I'm glad. Like I said, I'm happy with my life, and I'd be pretty heartbroken if I was anyone but who I am. So my feelings lately about being inadequate to everyone around me, and replacable... They're slowly being pushed out, because although I'm not perfect, I'm not the only one... in a way, everyone is a lot like me regarding the "greener grass" issue... but the truth is, it's just... isn't.
Greener, I mean.

Newsflash: My cousins kids are cute

So I decided that instead of blogging on nothing in particular, I'd blog about how amazing I think my family is.
In particular, Ewan and Isla, my second cousins. Honestly, there is not another thing on the planet that can make me smile faster than these kids.
Isla's a precocious little brat, but she can always put a smile on my face. She's everybody's princess... and she knows it.
Ewan is pretty much just stoked on life. He's not so much for the temper tantrums like Isla, but instead always has a big goofy grin on his face.
Seriously, the highlight of all of my visits with Ryan and Elizabeth is seeing these kids shining faces.
Okay, that's all.

Boys speak in rhythm and girls just lie

When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
Thats when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love you
I love you, endlessly

So I'm not quite sure how to deal with everything right now.
So much is happening, and I'm not exactly sure how to feel.
Am I just supposed to sit idly by and watch all of this happen to my friends?
Do I just pray that the best will come out of the situation? Because I am scared, not just for the obvious victims, because I believe you are all bring victimized. No one is getting the upper hand here, and no one is benefiting from this series of unfortunate events. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but there's consequences to everything you do, and you knew that before any of this started. Don't idly play the victim, because no one is attacking you. This isn't a personal assault, you did this to yourself.
So how do I feel?
Relieved that it's almost over? or sick because, truly, it's only just beginning...
Oh brother.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arrive


I haven't posted a real blog entry in a couple weeks and I figured that was pretty lame, so I've decided to change that.
In Wild Truth next week, the kids are writing Thank You letters to God. Then we take the letters home and pray for each and every one of those kids.
I don't see why this should only practiced by 30 kids between 5 and 12, so I'm going to do it right now as well. Shawn gave us a pretty sketchy talk last night about the difference between knowing Jesus and Jesus knowing us. So I figure... what better way to up my relationship with the big man?
It's pretty hard to write that kind of letter though. I mean, what do I say? Shawn said we often find it easier to confess to God than to our friends because their opinion of us matters more than God's. That may be true, but I still find it pretty intimidating to just strike up any old conversation with Him.
If someone's important enough to be spoken of in the objective and still be capitalized, I feel that I have every right to feel intimidated.
A whole mess of stuff is going down this weekend.
Vangi Wagner, Josh Mills and Jessica Walker are coming to Nanaimo for the weekend, and I'm more than a little stoked. Those three people are 3 of the most important people in my life right now. Plus, I guess it touches me a lot to know that I actually mean enough to them to travel over here for my fake-birthday. Also on the guest list are Michelle Latour, Carlye Morris, Tyler Paquette, Mike Anderson, Katelyn Bledsoe and Mary and Jessy Alexander.
It shall be a splendid event indeed.
Other things have to be accomplished as well; things that I am not so stoked about... but we'll see how it all pans out.
All in all though, I'm pretty excited.
I start Bootlegger on Sunday night. I'm really REALLY looking forward to that. I don't even know how to express it. I'm just thankful that they offered me the job before somewhere else did, because I was really hoping for this one.
So my weekend should be full of amazing memories and out of this world friends.

Molla out.


Well I don't know what I'm looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won't be satisfied
'Till there's nothing left that I haven't tried

Dying Wish

Michelle says:
if she goes to your party i'll do it then
Michelle says:
i can accomplish 2 things at once
Michelle says:
3 actually
Michelle says:
1. get rid of this problem
Michelle says:
2. get rid of her, because she'd leave
Michelle says:
3. force ____ to show his true feelings for me by rushing to my side
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
and then you guys can smooch in the rain
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
thereby accomplishing 4 things
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
4. my dying wish
Michelle says:
undying*
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
no.
It is my last dying wish
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
like.. if i had cancer.
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
i don't
but if I did
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
most kids would want to go to disneyland
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
but no... when the miracle network came to MY door, I'd tell them what I wanted... and they'd HAVE to do it.
It's their job
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
I'm a genius!
Michelle says:
if it was your dying wish he'd defs do it
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
I've got to find some chemical spills to roll around in so I can get a mutated cancerous gene

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose, wherever it goes, I always know. You make me smile, please stay for awhile.. (SUCH good times 'Chelle)

So this post won't be too long, because I just got home from driving around with Michelle and Mike and I am dreadfully tired.
SYC was beyond fantastic.
I drew closer to so many people and have so many wonderful memories that I can barely handle it.
Probably the best part was cheering Michelle up with Tyler, and him telling her that they are like Romeo and Juliet ("You can NEVER leave me. If you do it'll be like Romeo and Juliet. You'll die, and then I'll kill myself, and you will wake up and then see me dead and kill yourself." "Uh... thanks?" "You are my JULIET! Deal with it.") and him telling her that if his future wife doesn't like Michelle, he's taking back the ring.
Those two people are pretty much beyond amazing that I really cannot even put it into words.
Vangi is, naturally, amazing... She just boggles my mind every single second and I'm not sure quite how to express that to her, or anyone.
Hanging out with Taylor Craig was definitely rad, although I'm thinking that playing Final Fantasy and using my sweater as a tent (so we were really just sitting under a coat) may have looked suspicious. I had some really rocking conversations with Josh Mills, and I pretty much just love Rebecca Grice to the ends of the earth.

That's all?

Oh yeah, and I fought Mike Anderson for shotgun tonight.
He laughed, then threatened to throw me somewhere, and then I proceeded to the backseat.

lovelove.

The Mols

18

Can't sleep.
So far the best gift I've gotten BY FAR (all of them were fab, I swear) is Michelle's.

She made a flippin BOOK 12 pages long of the most amazing things ever.

She wrote me a letter and then made lists of 18's;

• 18 words to describe Mollydoll
• 18 reasons why Molly Woodford is my best friend
• 18 memorable moments
• 18 jokes
• 18 quotable quotes
• 18 flavors of ice cream to try [footnote: to try these flavors, please book a trip to vancouver with Michelle to go to the La Casa Gelato Shop. (maybe we'll bring Tyler; he likes to dance)]
• 18 things to do this year [apparently a true best friend gives you goals. My favorites are "fight Mike Anderson for shotgun" (scary thought... he throws punches) and "Hug a stranger (kiss him if he's cute and indeed a boy)" Oh Michelle.]
• 18 random nicknames (about 13 of which she has indeed used on me)
  
  

In conclusion; Michelle apparently likes to make me cry AND is the most amazing thing on the planet.

(For reference, I happen to spend the majority of my time in cars with Michelle and Michael Anderson, but I have NEVER fought him for shotgun. I value my life. Apparently 'Chelle does not.)

I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart to start beating again

Happy Birthday To Me
Happy Birthday To Me
Happy Birthday Dear Mollyyyyy
Happy Birthday To Me

So I'm officially 18.
My favourite thing so far was at 12am Pearlanne coming online and saying "ADULT LEADER!"
(She was the one who helped me pout during the leader meeting because I was the only 17 yr old left)
I guess I kind of still wish that my mom was here or something, but I'm just as happy with all the amazing people in my life right now.

Oooh, I got another ECARD (Count: 21)
Katelyn, Carlye and Michelle should be here soon.

lovelove!

So it is officially my birthday in 2 minutes.
I had dinner with my dad tonight and it was really really... fun.
I miss my dad a lot, but I don't know what that means exactly.
I'm pretty sure that leaving didn't make the missing family syndrome improve all that much,
and it just makes my birthday even lonelier.
I miss holiday traditions... I miss my mom's birthday breakfast.
I want my life to make sense.

Cordell, a kid from my XLR8 session, said something that really seemed profound to me.

"good night molly and happy birthday.
godbless you many miracles and may god grant you your greatest wish. Let Yahweh shine through you!"

It got me to thinking about what I really want for my birthday.
I miss my mom and I miss my family and I miss a life that made sense.
I could do the noble thing and wish for world peace or an end to world hunger...
but would that REALLY make me feel less like a useless, unwanted being?
Probably not.

Happy Birthday to me.

Senior Youth Councils - 2 Days

I can't wait to get out of this stupid town for a few days.

Forget December

On Christmas morning, outside was pouring
All was hopeless in this home
And no one was speaking; no one creeping
to see if she was on the phone

And you were quiet, this routine riot
was all but practical to me
and if we see it, why can't we beat it
can we let each other be?

Forget December, it won't be better
Than I remember it before
and this month only, will be so lonely
and not so homely anymore

New Years Eve came, but nothing had changed
all the problems just got worse
we sat in silence, no routine science
could heal the sickness we rehearse

And if I'm talking, my words are mocking
the deaf ears they have fallen on
These words are tainted, with years of jaded
Innocence that's all but gone

Forget December, it won't be better
than I remember it before
and this month only, will be so lonely
and not so homey anymore


On Christmas morning, outside was pouring
all was hopeless in this home

You know, sometimes I wish I could just burst into tears.
Just hot tears of sorrow or frustration or pain. Without people asking me whats wrong or calling me dramatic. Because I don't have the slightest idea what is wrong.
I wish I did. I wish I could be happy again, but I can't.
People are getting mad at me, but honestly, I couldn't give a crap because I can't exactly help it.
I just want it to go away. I want to rip apart my chest until I find that little glitch that is making
me want to be anywhere but here. Anywhere but with these people.
I was seriously considering moving back with my dad the other day. He's family, he's forever. There's no strings attached with him. Maybe he'd actually want me, but I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't.
No one ever has and no one probably ever will.
I'll never be good enough for anyone I care about or anything I attempt.
I'm just one big mistake.

Oh Glory!

Ahh!
X{LR}:8 was beyond amazing!
Everyone is so awesome and I am just in love with each and every one of them and I feel so honoured to call them brothers and sisters in Christ.
I met Vangi (Evangeline... man I love that name) Wagner and it was one the most wonderous days of my being.
She is just so amazing and spiritually invigorating. I can't even begin to describe her. I can tell her ANYTHING and we became friends faster than I have with anyone before.
I miss her like crazy, but I'm so stoked to see her again at SYC in 2 weeks.

In OTHER news, the spirituality there was amazing. So many things were made crystal clear for me. My prayer journal nearly went into cardiac arrest with how much I was using it. It's just amazing.
I can't even begin to explain; I wish I could.

I just feel so blessed right now.
Grace!!!

Redeption/Glass Eye/Two Sides of the Same Coin

I found three old poems that I had forgotten even existed.
I'm pretty proud of the passion my writing had back then (around March-ish)
and I kind of wish I could just find that again.

-So your legs tremble.
You’ve found a conductor
A leaning post that wont talk back.
A electric jolt that surges through you
tingles to your toes
but doesn’t stop there.

-And so your lungs burn.
With every unsaid word
and every raw, uncut prayer.
So very coarse and unprocessed are the murmurs
so oafish and perfect
in all their simplicity; in all their mayhem

-And so your companions scatter.
Followers gather
and devotions brace.
And you’re searching for a stronghold
you’re seething from the inside
from the inside outward into the fire of a false soul.

-Yeah, so you’re scared.
Your everything burns with expectation and doubt
for what is and isn’t and will never be.
Well it’s more than all of that, sweetheart.
Stop running away and start charging head on
and don’t stop there.

-Okay, so you’re doubting yourself.
All you’re really doing is doubting him
and denying everything you’ve been taught.
Who is it really hurting
you could just jump out or quit
or quit monopolizing the simple stuff.

So here’s the thing.
You’re not fooling anyone-
yeah, it’s horrendously terrifying.
Yet you know it’s so painfully wonderful
wonderful and grueling
and yet isn’t that the point
nothing easy is ever worth it.

--------------------------------------------------

You’re a glass eye, glazed
staring, sneering, peering at me
with a cold, dark wonderment.
and I am bewildered, I am held back.
I am aching to pull towards you
an imperceptible force draws me into your territory.
I am beaten, I am battered and I am choosing to be this way.
I have been given the chance to pull away, to set apart.
But I don’t. I hold on and I hold out.
I connive and I am not victimized.
I pursue and I plead, for your guise to be ridden with flaws.
A pretext, an excuse to turn away from you.
I bawl and I bellow and I ask in vain why I find you worth it.
Why are you the one I feel the necessity to catch a glimpse of?
Why can’t I perceive or dream of anything besides your face?
Why do you have this unrelenting and unyielding hold on me?
And last of all, why are neither of us willing to let go.

------------------------------------------

No, I never did say it was worth it.
I said a lot of things; that I needed you, that you were my other half.
No, we never did say it would last forever.
We hooked pinkies and promised it was for life.
Okay, so I admit it, there was always that sneaking suspicion,
that either you or I would find something better. Something worth it.
No, we never did truly thank each other.
For the hours of condolences through a telephone wire.
And no, we never did actually apologize.
For the tear stains left on the shoulders of sweaters.
But you know what the things is about stuff like that?
I don’t think you have to.
You shouldn’t have to.
You don’t want to.
The distinction between forever and two months is insignificant.
So you leave it unspoken.
And yeah, maybe it ends.
But that just means it was real.