If you ran to the ends of the earth, I would catch you and you would be safe...

So today we went for brunch at my Aunts house.
The biggest event to be noted is when Ewan, my 1 yr old second cousin, and I shared a 'moment' and totally jelled. We're BFF now.
I don't think I'll ever mean much to Isla apart from being her playmate. I don't need a name, I'm just that girl she can bend to her whim. I love my cousins.
Tonight I'm staying at my OTHER Aunts house in Coquitlum and I've had a pretty good time. We went for a walk around the nighborhood looking at Christmas lights like we used to do when I was little, and talked to my brother on the phone. We also watched The Bourne Ultimatum and my Uncle admitted how he's pretty much in love with Julia Stiles. Awkward for everyone.
I have a horribly sore throat and am still feeling more heartbreak-y than Christmas spirit-y.
For the entirety of this trip, no matter how many people are in the room, I always feel alone.

...if you fell down the well I would bring you a rope and take all the pain

So I'm staying at my cousin Celidh's house and I've been tossing and turning for hours, so now I've kind of given up on sleep.
So far my Chritmas has been pretty good. I got here earlier tonight and pretty much just hung out with Celidh's friends' 4 year old daughter, Taylor.
Afterwards Celidh and I watched Christmas themed chick flicks while Fred played WoW, and now everyon else is asleep while I wonder how I could NOT be.
I hope this holiday goes alright. I wish I could just feel peaceful right now, and I thought once I was here with my family everything would be better.
But nothing is.

Dirty and Left Out

Hello, I swear I won't be too long
Hello, I promise I'll be real strong
Wait up, I just wanna tell you
Hold up, why are you still here?

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Why do you wanna be all listening to me
Why do you spread your arms and tell me I'm free
Why do you wanna be in my life
In my life

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus, Jesus
There's something about your name
Master, saviour, Jesus

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know
Jesus
Jesus

I want more than desperation, I want more than a lonely nation

I'm feeling a lot better currently.
I went out with Michelle and we talked... about everything. I'm so glad that she's up to talking about what's going on with everyone right now. She deals with things silently, I deal with them through talking them out, however, whenever I'm battling with something, no one wants to talk. I still have hours of "mom-related" talking to get out of my system from 3 years ago, but no one really wants to hear anything else on that subject.
I also talked to Chris about how we've been feeling about a variety of things and our feelings regarding life in general are startlingly similar. He also told me that I'm the bravest person he knows. That was a major shock, because I've always considered what he's gone through WAY more intense than my crap. It also meant a lot, because although I've been called brave 4327843725 times in the past few years, coming from him it meant so much more. He didn't mean it in a "aww, you're mom's dead, that sucks" kind of way, but in a genuine "I respect the way you approach life" kind of way. It was big.
We also talked about how I wish I had gum that was a multitude of meals, like in Willy Wonka.

.:Chris:. -||- .What to do, what to do.... -||- says:
I wouldn't. That sounds icky
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
and a dog as big as Clifford that i could ride places.
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
I was thinking of that today while i walked the dog
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
i glared and her and thought "you're useless to me as an commonplace transportation device"
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
or a dinosaur
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
he could do my bidding
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
cause his teeth would be sharp and he'd have ice-age-old rage to throw into SOMETHING extracurricular
.:Chris:. -||- .What to do, what to do.... -||- says:
Threaten to eat your bosses if they don't give you a raise
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
don't you mean threaten to make HIM eat my bosses?
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
humans are gamey

Run where you'll be safe

I'm talking to Taylor Craig and I started telling him about my overwhelming loneliness that I didn't even realize I had.
About how increasingly since Caitlyn left, I've been feeling so alone, and I hate it.
How I'm always surrounded by people, but I can't talk to them and I'm always off by myself because I don't fit. My only solace is youth group, which I throw my entire being into. I love on those kids like crazy, just waiting for some of it to be returned.
It was an intense revelation for me.
I kept thinking it had something to do with not having my family, and I've spent weeks thinking about moving to Vancouver to be with them, and that it would fix everything.
I don't think I need family, I just need people.

<3//>
You just need love from people.
<3>
Tangible love.

I've been missing my mom so much lately, wanting her here just to hold onto me, but I don't think thats so much wanting HER, as wanting someone. She's just the person I relate that kind of compassion to and I don't know if those kind of people who can devote that kind of thing into me exist in my life. I can't expect anyone to do that, it's not fair.
But I don't want to feel empty anymore.

The Caitlyn Spence Show and other phenomenons from the past year

Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY THE ROLOOF FAMILY HAS A REALITY TELEVISON SHOW AND I DO NOT
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
WHY
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
who are they?
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
Little people big world
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
oh yeah
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
cause you have no midgets in your family
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
so
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
their show has nothing to do with midgets
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
dwarfism is a big seller
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
except that some of them are
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
it's just like "Today, we are going to play soccer. We are little people playing soccer"
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
and then half an hour of them doing everyday normal things
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
WHERE IS MY SHOW OF ME DOING NORMAL THINGS
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
I'd watch the Spence's
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
NO.
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
just Caitlyn.
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
oh...
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
hmm...
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
I dunno, Chelsea has a lot to offer...
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
not even
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
she can make cameos
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
who else is gonna be in your show
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
like... the opening credits
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
hmm
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
my mom
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
cale
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
shawn
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
the youth group kids
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
ooh ooh can mine have me doing something amazing
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
like playing Beethoven's 12th on the fluglehorn?
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
yes
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
but it'll be drowned out by the theme song
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
as long as my obvious talent is evident to the viewers at home
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
mmk
--------------------------------------------------
Molly says:
tequilla???
you drunkard!
Molly says:

I'm Home ! says:
ya thats ME

Caitlyn.. the chemistry between us could destroy this place says:
at least she can admit it
Molly says:
unlike Keeley.
She needs help.
Caitlyn.. the chemistry between us could destroy this place says:
oh her
Molly says:
34. What do you like about the summer? Drinking, camping, drinking while camping, drinking inside, drinking outside, going on drunken excursions, walking everywhere without a coat, while drunk possibly.
Molly says:
my brother can enter counseling with Keeley
Caitlyn.. the chemistry between us could destroy this place says:
He means koolaide right?
Caitlyn.. the chemistry between us could destroy this place says:
koolaide is the drink of summer
--------------------------------------


#21 Molly -|- Where there is great love, there are always wishes. -|- says:
...is that a watering can?
# 19 miCHelle's tip of the day: People who live in glass houses....shouldn't walk around naked 5 days says:
NO
# 19 miCHelle's tip of the day: People who live in glass houses....shouldn't walk around naked 5 days says:
ITS CLEARLY A CAR
# 19 miCHelle's tip of the day: People who live in glass houses....shouldn't walk around naked 5 days says:
AND A HOUSE AND A SUN AND A FLOWER AND ME IN A YELLOW FLIPPING SKIRT
-------------------------------------------------

Molly Grace marked your heart says:
WE SHOULD START A CLUB FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN BEATEN BY CLAIRE AT BOWLING
Caitlyn.. NO HOSANNA TOMORROW says:
YOU TOO!?
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
YEAH
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
i won the first round
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
the second round i was too busy dancing with the perry kids
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
isn't she four?
Caitlyn.. NO HOSANNA TOMORROW says:
yes?
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
WE ARE SO PATHETIC
------------------------------------------
Carlye says:
i called you
Carlye says:
and i have a plan
][Molly][ I’m drowning but I don’t care, because when you got what I got, who needs air? says:
ooooh plan?
][Molly][ I’m drowning but I don’t care, because when you got what I got, who needs air? says:
i love plans
Carlye says:
i have a list of things that are at caitlyns house
Carlye says:
this is your mission molly woodford
Carlye says:
find the jade monkey before sundown, and the world will be saved
][Molly][ I’m drowning but I don’t care, because when you got what I got, who needs air? says:
lolololololol
Carlye says:
......wanna hear the real plan
][Molly][ I’m drowning but I don’t care, because when you got what I got, who needs air? says:
yes please
---------------------------------------------------
Carlye the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
im scared to call rachels house this early, is it safe?
Carlye the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
or should i wait until 8ish
Molly Chris is a fatty says:
sure
Molly Chris is a fatty says:
they wake up early
Carlye the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
i'm doing it, if i die its your fault
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
did you die?
Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
yes
Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
im dead
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
aw.
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
how sad
Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
no kidding eh?
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
...can i have your hair straightener?





Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
IM STILL ALIVE
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
IT'S A MIRACLE
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
PRAISE THE LORD
Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
HALLLEELLUUUJJAAHHH
--------------------------------------





Chelsea and Molly discussing the package of "meatless meatballs" in the freezer

Molly: you know, the whole meatless meatball concept makes little sense. Because if your meatballs were indeed meatless, they would cease to exist.

Chelsea: What if it was a vegetarian cow?

Molly: Well, maybe if it was a VEGETABLE cow... like, made of broccoli instead of cow.
---------------------------------

Kay, that's all, for now.
Other newsly news?
I still have a flu and want to die and junk.
I got a job.... even though I had to leave the interview to throw up.
YAY.
Vangi is coming to visit for New Years.
I leave on Saturday for my aunts house.
SO STOKED.
Kay, gonna go get better now.
LOVE

Starry Night

So I was watching Boy Meets World at 2am, because that's how I roll, and it was all about Starry Night. Topanga and Cory are on a break and their relationship pretty much depends on the Van Gogh painting, Starry Night.
Topanga spends hours speaking to a guy she meets about how it seems to signify God's love. That God is protecting the people in the little town. "They live their lives and they come out of their houses, and they see this sky and they know God's protection and love. And that everything will be all right."
She comes to the conclusion that their relationship depends on what Cory sees when he looks at the painting. He decides that what he sees is an attack. That God, unhappy with how some particular humans treat other particular humans who love them, has decided it's the end of the world.
I don't know why I'm blogging about a nineties sitcom, but I just felt like I should. It just... felt right.

Seasons of Love

So Michelle and I went to visit her dad today and they both informed me that it is less than 2 weeks until Christmas.
Last night at the banquet, Jamie (F.B Youth Pastor) talked about the lies that we're fed about Christmas. How Christmas is about gifts, Christmas is about Santa, eggnog, friends, family, giving. He talked about how Christmas isn't about any of those things. Of course Christmas is a great opportunity to see family and commune with friends and all your loved ones, and giving is a great thing. Charity is important, and community is a focus. But ultimately, Christmas is, plain and simple, all about the Savior.
As he was delivering this message (and Michelle and I were dressing Scott and Shawn up like Santa and Jesus [Shawn is not a very convincing Jew. He tried a Jewish 'accent' and came off sounding Asian... no joke]) I thought back to RENT. I've seen that movie over 100 times, easily. I used to watch it every night before I went to bed and every morning when I woke up a few summers ago. I loved that movie... I kind of even wanted to LIVE that movie. Now THAT was community! The opening song in that movie is 'Seasons of Love', and the story begins and ends on December 24th, following the lives of a group of friends living the 'Bohemian' [boho-chic] life.
Love is the central theme to that entire movie, and how this time of year is all about love. For family, for friends, for the less fortunate. Now what I wonder is, if Christmas is losing it's original point, and I DO believe that it is, shouldn't we hold onto this love? Now everyone in the world may not be spending Christmas praising Jesus, but if they ARE with family, or are giving presents, aren't those expressions of love? And I thought that God WAS love. So if Christmas is no longer the season of the Lord in everyone's life, what about the season of love?
Because whether everyone knows it or not, I think that when they're loving, they're praising.

If you listen to the sound of the hope in the voices of the children asking questions ,you'll know how blindness is a blessing

So my very best friend in the entire world is moving across the country.
Merry Christmas.

PEACH AND LIME DAQUIRIESSSS

Right now Carlye and I are looking back at grade eleven.
(and listening to Panic! At The Disco... but don't spread it around)
It's so bizarre to think of how much has changed since then, and how dramatically different we all are.

Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
this is awesome
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
all i can remember is me you, rachel and camille singing this on the bus on the way to parksville
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
ahha i know!
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
haha
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
we're amazing
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
oh yes.
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
the poor grooms bride is a WHORE
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
so she's not bleeeeeeeeeding on the ballroom floor just for the atteeeeention
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
you're pulling the trigger, pulling the triggerrrrrrrr!
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
hahahahhahaa
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
SO SCENE
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
WHEN I SAY SHOTGUN YOU SAY WEDDING
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
SHOTGUN
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. sys:
WEDDING
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
SHOTGUN
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. sys:
WEDDING
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. sys:
We were soo hardcore

Absolute

So it's December 10th.
I can't believe it was 3 years ago today that my mom passed away.
I'm in a very reflective mood right now; it's not a bad day, this one... it's usually the weeks leading up to this day that aren't so hot.
I'm trying to avoid the thoughts, feelings and general memories from that night 3 years ago... they aren't happy ones and they don't exactly help with the general coping process. I'm mainly looking back on the past 3 years... how much has changed. That first year seemed to stretch on forever, and I feel like the time spent in Qualicum without her was much longer than the ones I've spent in Nanaimo. It definitely doesn't feel like it was two years ago that I burst into Rachel's biology class crying. (I missed my bus, forgot my backpack, was late to school etcetera etcetera, and then on top of that I was reminded by everything that a year later my mom was still dead; it was rough.)I cannot believe that I've spent over 2 years in Nanaimo, and known most of my friends; the church, youth group, Shawn, for... well, two years... today.
So although my mom's death isn't exactly a memory I can look back on and smile about, a lot of the things that came from it are worthy of a smile. My amazing friends, the church, the youth group, sleepovers with Michelle, talks with Caitlyn, being monkey's with little Claire, every single thing in my life, good or bad, is a direct offshoot from my mom's death. I'd rather not think of it like that, though.
Maybe they're all gifts from my mom. Like even long after she's gone from this earth, she's still taking care of me.

Forever

So this weekend in Vancouver was pretty much amazing.
It started off with a bang with the NINETEEN HOUR ferryride on the shiftiest excuse for a boat imaginable (and by 19 I did, in fact, mean 2) however, Michelle, Mike and I somehow managed. Then we got greeted by dear, sweet, Cassie Marsh. (Who has the most incredible family, by the way). The hours before the banquet were spent giggling and being girly and ridiculous... it was obviously amazing. (Well, that was Michelle, Cas and I... not Mike. He was a 'man's man' and played videogames with Bradley and Andy [Cassie's brothers... they're triplets!])
The ride to CHT was quite the adventure. Might I say that David Grice is INSANE... driving wise, anyway. Besides almost getting the 15 or so of s KILLED, he also ducks with directions and we got lost and were late to the banquet. This, paired with the wiplash, was worth it for the AMAZING greeting we received upon arrival. Everyone lauching at you shrieking and hugging is definitely great for the self esteem. It was SO great to see Vangi, Rebecca, Jessica, Jaz... EVERYONE (I'm not going to start a list with the chance of leaving someone out). Vangi and I sat together (with Joanna and Co., of course) and had the best time... and may or may not have stuck out a bit (we definitely make a ruckus wherever we go... BESTFRIENDS!) and we all danced our tushes off. It was SO incredible to see everyone again; I really missed them.
Michelle, Cas and I had some really good talks after getting home last night (after getting supremely lost on the way home, since Mike Touzeau, despite growing up on the mainland, cannot find his way from Langley to Richmond.)
The ferry home today was... just as long... only lacking in one Mike Anderson, and afterwards Michelle and I had a smashing old time going to the singing Christmas tree with Tyler... and talking about goats wearing cover-up, in McDonalds.
Overall, an amazing weekend.


ps.
Michelle says:
and i'd like to point out that she makes the same "i'm a retard! Hear me ROAR!" face each time

Herrumph.

Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
but if i go outside alone i might get abducted! :-O
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
by a fat man in a red coat??
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
YEA MAYBE
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
crazy
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
mhm, and then i couldnt celebrate my birthday because id be locked in some abandoned warehouse!
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
with miniature people making toys?
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
so I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that I was abducted by Santa, or that you're calling me an elf.
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
who said i was calling you an elf
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
i just said you would be in a warehouse with miniature people
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
i never said that you would fit in, or something

My halo is broken now and I'm all that's left

So I guess I haven't written anything for awhile. Or I probably have, I just don't remember.
So I've been all flu-ish for the past few days, which wasn't very pleasant. I've also been spending some quality time with Chelsea and Cale, since we were all SNOWED IN for the long weekend (pro-d days). Chelsea and I honed our cheesy computer game skills, and we taught Cale how to play seek and find video games. He's addicted now.
I also haven't seen any of my friends since last week, because they were all snowed in, too. Carlye barely made it home from work, and her store was the only one open all weekend. Michelle got snowed in at her dad's house with her brother and sister so she actually almost didn't make it through the weekend. Enough talk of snow, though. It all melted yesterday and now we're back to good ol' British Columbia rain.
Today I get to go out for lunch with my dad, which is neat. I'm kind of bummed that he can't have christmas with the rest of the family this year, but I understand that he's just not ready for that. It's 21 days til Christmas (I know this thanks to Sarah Latour's constantly updated MSN status) and I'm pretty excited (but don't tell anyone, it'll ruin my rep).
I get to see The Aunts and my Oma and Opa. It's going to be weird celebrating without Grandma, but I'm just excited irregardless. Although I doubt Isla and Ewan remember me (or if Ewan ever actually notices my presence) I'm SO stoked to see them. As much as I enjoy my life in Nanaimo. nothing quite beats family. My life here is new and everything it contains is current. All of my memories here don't stretch past grade eleven. My family knew me before my memories were even formed, and they can help me piece together my past that I'm so unsure of. Plus, The Aunts love telling embarrassing stories about me when I was growing up, and unlike when I was six, I like to hear them.
It also doesn't hurt that they have some pretty amazing stories of my mom, too. Not just the hugging, cookie-baking, Christmas-party-planning mom, but the one that existed well before she was "Mom".
The mom that I never really got to know...
and that's a beautiful thing.

Water to my soul

So I'm feeling better than I've been feeling the past few days, but I suppose that wasn't exactly public knowledge. On top of being physically ill since I got back from Vancouver, I've been feeling like a pretty big failure, waste of space... whatever you call it, I felt it. Now I know that I am God's child and I am a part of the body and needed and etcetera, and I'm confident in that, trust me. It seems like the issue was outside of me; not a spirit thing. The book we're reading for XLR8 says that EVERYTHING should be a spirit thing, so I guess that's my problem, if I'm living solely through my spirit; through the spirit, nothing outside of it should affect me. At least, that's what the book told me. Or maybe the reason it is bothering me is because all is not right with my soul. Who knows.
That's a rhetorical question with an obvious answer, so I don't want 16 emails telling me something I am already fully aware of. The point is, that feeling is gone. Or if it isn't, it's lessened substantially. I went out with Kellie tonight and we had a good chat. Actually, it was a pretty ordinary insignificant chat... but it was conversation, and I guess it's all I needed. My life is such a bore lately, but at least I've been able to see my friends more than I had been able to in the past few weeks. I went out for breakfast this morning with Michelle, which was fun. We decided we were too young and hip to be Ladies who Lunch, and it was only 10:30am, so we're officially the Babes who Brunch. Classy, eh? Tomorrow I'm possibly getting together with Ben, and Carlye is sleeping over, because we make eachother love life (and I'm the only one that listens to her rant about her amazing boyfriend for 6 hours).
Tonight Michelle, Tyler and I watched Reign Over Me.
It's about this guy that runs into his old college roommate, whose wife and 3 daughters died in the 9/11 plane crash. He denies it ever happened and doesn't actually remember anything from that part of his life. It's depressing, although I don't know how it ends because Michelle had to get the car home by 10.

I suppose that's all.
PEACE

ps. Tyler told me on the phone tonight that if the movie didn't make me cry, I was cold-blooded. I asked him if that meant I was a a reptile. He said that yes, it definitely did.
Long story short, I am now a Caribbean gecko.

Jolly Holidays!

Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
i just had a vision
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
it was funny
Michelle says:
k
Michelle says:
lets hear it
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
well it was about you two
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
only you were Mary Poppins and he was the chimney sweep when they go through the painting
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
before they ride the magical horses from the merry go round
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
when she's dressed in a pretty poofy flowered dress and bonnet
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
and he has the cute white suit on
Michelle says:
lol kinda following... i havent seen this movie in years
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
and he sings " Jolly Holiday"
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday with Mary
Mary makes your 'eart so liiiiiight!
When the day is gray and ordinary
Mary makes the sun shine briiiiiiight!
Michelle says:
lol random
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
Oh, 'appiness is bloomin' all around 'er
The daffodils are smilin' at the doooooove
When Mary 'olds your 'and you feel so grand
Your 'eart starts beatin' like a big brass band
It's a jolly 'oliday with Maaaaaaary
No wonder that it's Mary that we loooooove!

Would you believe me if I said it's still easy

So I was reading this weekend, because that kind of stuff is rad, and it was basically an entire text on fighting the evil one. On a completely separate occasion last night, I was talking to Michelle about how she can't quite see herself being too successful on the downtown eastside because she's a burden bearer and, well, there are a lot of burdens too bear down there, and Michelle's shoulders just can't support it all. Then we discussed how my gifts are mercy and evangelism and I would feel bad for them and then work my butt off trying to get them saved.
I've actually been noticing my mercy a lot lately, because when I was reading the book, and it talked about how Lucifer was cast to earth and became Satan and so on, I actually felt bad for him. I mean, he was an important angel and could have really been amazing and done a lot, and now look at him. It's just too bad. That does not, however, mean I don't want to beat him evil little butt into oblivion, mind you. I'm just saying, he really screwed himself over. Ha.

I know this is a really pointless post, but I'm content with that.
Today at wild truth we did the leap of faith, when the leaders hold out their arms and the kids have to fall off the platform into our arms and have faith that we won't drop them. It's a pretty long fall, too. I was glad to see the information really soaking into the kids heads and them truly understanding the connection between that and having faith that God will always catch them when they fall. It was actually really beautiful.
(and Alexis Levac is the cutest 5 year old on the planet)
We actually spent all bible study writing "constructive criticisms for Shawn (paired with things we like about him) and listening to him read them out. One actually made me laugh so hard I was in tears. I did, in fact, cry on Michelle's shoulder for a good 3 and a half minutes.
"You look like Dana Carvey"
I love my youth group so much.
Well, I suppose that's all.
Oh, and afterwards Tyler, Michelle and I invited Shawn to our excursion to Tim Hortons, since he gets hurt that we never invite him when we go out after bible study every week and we had some really good youth pastor- youth leader/ youth (Tyler is, in fact, only 17) conversing.

Kay that's all, for reals.
Night.

It's the overflow of the forgiven soul... Our hearts CANNOT stay silent!

As the title may or may not reveal to you, I am currently rocking out to 'Dancing Generation' by Matt Redman. That is the mood I'm in right now. Although I am cold and tired and barely thawed, I am in AWE of God right now. I just had a truly amazing conversation with a girl who at one time, not too long ago, I was very close friends with. We still see eachother often enough, but things have changed because the girl that I once loved, who always GLOWED with the Lord's glory, through much pain, has developed a bitter heart, and it's become pretty hard for a lot of the people in our congregation, youth-wise, to relate to her as we once did. As much as we do for every other aspect of our lives, we ache and grasp for the past, when things were beautiful and like new; when she was like an innocent tender flower, not a cold, hard stone. So you can understand to some degree how delightfully surprised I was when I got through an entire conversation with her without her yelling at me! (It's her 'thing' nowadays)
She revealed to me her feelings of loneliness and depression and how she feels a need for someone, anyone, to fill that need. She said that she aches for a boyfriend, because, in her once-familiar innocent flower ways, she's never had one.
I told her not to rush things, that time is not as important as finding a relationship that glorifies God. I praised the LORD when I could see her old mannerisms coming through as she told me how she sometimes feels like just grabbing a random guy and kissing him, just for the sake of doing it, but obviously doesn't because she knows that it's not for the right reason.
She talked about how she can imagine her perfect match; looking at her in a certain way she couldn't quite place... that smile he'd get everytime he looked at her.
I must say, I was impressed with the words I gave her, and as I read them back to myself, I felt them imprint themselves onto my heart as well, because I think it's a message EVERYONE should receive.

"Don't hurry things, it'll happen when God wants it to happen. Focus on Him, and mystery boy will come after. When you meet the right guy, you'll know.
Not by instantly wanting to kiss him, but by the way he treats you and makes you feel about YOURSELF.
The guy who will make you feel beautiful in sweats with no makeup and gives you THAT look.
The guy that you want to kiss because God has set you up as a perfect match. You'll kiss him because you want to express to him how much he means to you and to God.
You'll know it's right. You'll recognize the feelings; like it's written on your DNA.
you'll feel accepted, and you WONT feel lonely.
Being with ANY guy may take away the feelings of loneliness for a little while, but you'll know he's not THE ONE by the way he treats you.
It may be fun to make out and feel like you're wanted, but if he doesn't show you that you're beautiful INSIDE as well as on the outside, then he's not worth it."

I loved that I got to express that to her, teach her like I used to, guide her to straighter paths, because I have been so WORRIED for her; for her innocent heart.
Hallelujah! I missed her; my beautiful tender flower.

I have so much more to 'blog, but I think this is quite enough emotion for ONE entry,
Now I'm off to revel in the wonder of my Father.

Consuming fire

So, yesterday I received a bunch of facebook messages from numerous people in X{LR}:8.
Prayers, requests for prayer, general information... and the hard truth. We don't talk. We promised that we'd talk and keep eachother updated so we could help eachother through life. We spent an entire weekend learning that we could and SHOULD rely on eachother to hold us up and hold us accountable, but that weekend is in the past, and it's like those rules only applied then, or at SYC. At youth group, when Shawn made us think back to a moment we were truly happy, told us to think back on the sights anf the smells. There was one obvious one, the one with my mom on her last "healthy" Christmas, when everything smelt like cinnamon and pine needles and love, but another one kept trying relentlessly to nudge itself into my mind. It was at X{LR}:8, it was pouring ran and Vangi and I had just run through the storm to the warmth of Gooding Hall. We were soaking wet and laughing and we started riffling through the music that had been left out from Worship early that morning. Together we sat there holding hands singing "Consuming Fire" over and over and over again. Nothing else mattered in that moment but the words escaping our mouths and the spirit inflating our hearts. All I can remember from that moment was pure joy. I wasn't thinking of my mom or my dad or loneliness or feelings of inadequacy, it didn't even matter that I'm not very good singer. All that mattered was that moment. Of course, that was probably tied with screaming worship while wading in the ocean during a thunderstorm and spiritual warfare with Vangi and Joanna.
So I guess if it was to choose a time to freeze in and not go forward with my life, (even though the whole point of the bible study was AGAINST doing that) that didn't involve resurrecting someone, it'd be that weekend.


There must be more than this
oh breath of God come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have ur way
Lord have ur way
with us

Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
leave us abandoned to your praise
Lord let your glory fall
Lord let your glory fall

I'm awake in the infinite cold but you sing to me over and over again

Sometimes I wonder if you're looking down on me.
If you see how I've grown, what I've learned and the stupid, stupid mistakes I've made.
Sometimes I convince myself that it's just a dream... a long, painful, pitiful dream, but I never wake up. Sometimes I can't believe it happened. That it's all still happening. It's never going to stop, is it? I'm going to keep living out your death. Everything that happened and has happened since and will happen in the future is a continuation of your untimely end. Sometimes I wish people understood, that they could FEEL how bizarre this entire thing is.
It's like for your entire life, for fifteen years, you're one person, and you know that person, you've master being that person, living that life, sometimes you even LIKED that person, and then one day it all changes and there's no going back. Sometimes I wonder if I could have done something differently. I wasn't just a kid, I think that was my favourite excuse at the time; it wasn't happening, that doesn't happen to me, it happens to other people... I'm only a kid.
But I could have told you to go to the doctor, I could have nursed you back to health, I could have at the very LEAST, held your hand in the hospital. Instead, I stayed home curled up in a ball under my covers and waited for it to end. I prayed for it to end.
It ended, you ended. My life as I knew it ended. Be careful what you wish for.
It's not that my life now is so painfully unbearable, it isn't. I'm lucky for what I have and what I've learn and for my stupid, stupid mistakes... but that doesn't mean I can't miss you sometimes. It doesn't mean I can't squeeze my eyes shut tight and pretend you're still here... for at least a little while.
Vangi told me that she knows you'd be proud of me, and that you loved me and still love me. I know that, I KNOW I was your little girl and I know that Jacob and I were your entire world, but the more I think about how much you loved me, the more I ache for that love. I yearn for you to physically be sitting beside me and hugging me. To hold my hand and hold me when I cry.
I miss you so much Mom.
But I'm not going to think of the rest of my life as living out your death, but maybe a continuation of your life.
I'll try to make you proud Mommy.
I'll try to stay your little girl.