So I had this feeling like I needed to post something in here, but I don't know what it is I'm supposed to say, so I guess I'll just wing it.
I'm feeling pretty sturdy with everything in my life right now.
My job isn't too terrible, but still crappy enough to still feel like work, I'm in a good place with all of my relationships, and I haven't had a "life sucks" moment for awhile. And yet, something doesn't seem right. Sometimes I just feel like I should be with my dad. Like I'm running away by not being with him. Not from an obligation to him, or from taking care of him... just the whole parent-child relationship. I don't want to be one of those self-centered kids who purposely severs their ties with their parental units simply for their own personal gain. I mean, I'm already minus one mother, can I really afford to tear myself away from my roots entirely?
Then again, maybe I'm just grasping at straws. Maybe I'm trying to hard to salvage the perfect photoshopped image I still have of my family. It was never like that, I know... things were never perfect. if it wasn't money, it was my mom's sickness, or the depression that followed.
The 5 year old inside me just wants thing to be glossy and picture perfect.
I love to remember my family as my warm and loving, albeit overprotective, big brother, my laughing and singing mom and my goofy, embarrassing, workaholic father. Just ideal enough to work. My brother is still loving and warm, but he;s also closed himself off a lot, and I don't know how to reach him. My mom is probably up in heaven singing campfire songs with Elijah, but there will always be those memories of her crying, or the dullness in her once sparkling green eyes... or worse, the ones of her unconscious in a hospital bed.
I don't know about my dad... he's happier now, or at least seems to be. He still has the embarrassment techniques down as far as I know... but nothing can be said for sure, I guess.
As for me? I don't know where I fit into my fairytale. I guess I'm the same as I am now. I have a fear of moving backwards into the past, because it was a lot more dark than everything is now... not the fairytale bits, of course, but to get there, I have to move through the nightmare part again. I guess I'm content with immortalizing my family in the past, as long as I can stay the way I am. I know that's not fair, they've all moved on... especially my mom, but if I could have my fairytale family covered in wax for eternity, I probably would.
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause there's no hope for today
Breathe for love tomorrow
Cause maybe there's another way
Kata Kata Gaul Dalam Wattpad
4 years ago
