Sometimes I'd like just to ask her what honest words she can't afford to say

I feel very fortunate lately to recognize the fact that I seem to be growing into myself. It's not as though I'm "finding" myself, or that I've finally grown up, but I've reached a point where I look back at the past 5 or so years, and have no regrets. I no longer feel like I'm trying to successfully maneuver a route away from the choices I've made or the people I've hurt. I had a really incredible talk with an old, cherished friend recently that really helped me realize that. Nothing was incredible about the talk itself, aside from the fact that it happened. For the first time, I looked objectively at the last year or so before I moved to the Okanagan, at some of the decisions I made, or people I impacted, in both positive and negative ways. I have somehow, by some beautiful miracle, been able to trace the path of my life, and pinpoint why I did some of the things I did in the past, and what has lead to me growing beyond that into the person I am now. The thing is, I'm not entirely sure who I am now. My life feels like a gigantic puddle of who I was, who I am and who I want to be. I'm slowly picking through the debris of the last 23 years and having to decide what the ultimate conclusion will be... not now, or even years from now. But I know that this is the time when I start working toward the person I wish to be, and the impact I want to make. Now is the time when I stop analyzing the past and start building a future on God's will for my life. I'm terrified and nervous and overwhelmed... but I'm also excited. Above all, I know that everything that has happened to me or happened as result of myself, both the good and the very bad, has had an affect on where I'm going and who I am, whoever that is. I'm thankful for those experiences now. I know now that they were just growing pains, and the result feels very worthwhile.