glass eye

You’re a glass eye, glazed
staring, sneering, peering at me
with a cold, dark wonderment.
and I am bewildered, I am held back.
I am aching to pull towards you
an imperceptible force draws me into your territory.
I am beaten, I am battered and I am choosing to be this way.
I have been given the chance to pull away, to set apart.
But I don’t. I hold on and I hold out.
I connive and I am not victimized.
I pursue and I plead, for your guise to be ridden with flaws.
A pretext, an excuse to turn away from you.
I bawl and I bellow and I ask in vain why I find you worth it.
Why are you the one I feel the necessity to catch a glimpse of?
Why can’t I perceive or dream of anything besides your face?
Why do you have this unrelenting and unyielding hold on me?
And last of all, why are neither of us willing to let go.

don't blame me if you life goes down the crapper, so to speak.

Sometimes, I wish I was five again.
I wish everything was simple. Why does life get so trivial as we age?
A few months ago, October, although it feels like longer,
I made the decision to break off a relationship… well, no…
I decided to break off the concept of a relationship.
It was a to-be relationship that is never going to be.
Although many people openly argued (loudly) that “it should be more“, I created a mental roadblock.
You see, I firmly believe high school is like…potty training for life.
You probably don’t remember being potty trained, so let me remind you of what happened.
You were two years old and wearing a diaper. Life was going swimmingly and you were happy as a clam.
Then one day, for absolutely no logical reason, your parents became obsessed with having you use the toilet. At first you didn’t understand what the big deal was about. Then you started to understand - and you immediately rebelled. Finally, because your parents were stronger, and because you needed them for all sorts of stuff, you complied and learned to use the toilet.
After that, things weren’t so bad. Your parents were thrilled, and you felt pretty good, too.
In fact, it was hard to believe you ever used a diaper in the first place.
That’s what I mean when I say high school is potty training for life.
Only, the toilet is college. (I say that only in the most positive way.)
College is where we’re supposed to go.
Just like the toilet.
And when we do it, it makes our parents happy, and is good for us too
(more job possibilities and no more diaper rash!).
So back to the poor boy and my mental roadblock, Since to me high school
is no more than a peculiar intermediate step towards real life, just like toilet training,
I would never think of getting into anything serious during it.
Well, no, it’s more I guess, that although I had this great boy who fit the criteria of a fully functioning boyfriend and all, I will, in roughly 8 months, be going to college in some faraway place.
And when I do, high school and everything in it will disappear and be forever forgotten.
Just like my diaper and, I assume, this boy.

…You know what I’ve always wondered,?
Why our world is governed by rules.
Our lives are filled with them.
From the moment we wake up we follow them;
We wash.
We dress.
We don’t kill the first person we see.
We go to school.
We attend classes (usually).
We sit.
We listen.
And yet, the very rules we learn often contradict each other entirely.
For instance, we learn in English that i comes before e, except after c.
And what immediately breaks that rule?
Science.

Prommmmm

Update:
Sarah H is in my PE class.
So is that girl from my science class last year, and Jason and Peter.

Camille, Carlye and I switched out of peer tutoring and into Photography with Paul.
He's happy, cause he didn't know anyone there.
Mrs.Miller is mad at us, but she can go die now, kthnx.
I'm pretty stoked to be in that class. It's pretty much self directed, and Mrs.Long totally loves us. Dan is STILL not in my PE class; douchebag.
In other news, a bunch of crap is gonna go down at Hosea tomorrow.
I'm scared, but pretty happy that it's all going to be over with, one way or another.
Everyone has prom fever. Carlye ordered the prettiest prom dress and now everyone's doing the "who's going with who" crap. Since september, Carlye has had 8 different dates, Rachel has decided she's either going alone (she thinks prom is lame anyway) or maybe going with Dan, Camille will probably end up going with Josh, and I have no idea what I'm doing. Apparently Tiffany is going with Derek, Crystal is going with Jareth, Doug is going with Andra, and all the couples are paired off (with a grad class of 289 I'm not about to start naming everyone.
I could care less.
It's dumb.

You see, I have this theory.
Okay, so… I have a lot of theories, I know.
But this one isn’t going off brandishing high school relationships or anything of that
nature… or, at least, not much.
It’s not so much an opposition to teen romance as it is an expression of the brilliance of friendship.
Or perhaps a slandering of the stereotypical “THE MOST IMPORTANT THING ABOUT HIGHSCHOOL IS FINDING YOUR SOULMATE AND MAKING OUT IN THE HALLWAYS IN PURE BLISS AND HAND HOLDING PERFECTION” idiotic aptitude that is held by pretty much the entire student body of… the world.
I am not, I stress the not, disparaging, smearing or insulting in any way any of these couples… I think they’re adorable, (minus the ones who wish to display their affection in the form of excessive PDA in front of my Psych class, however; that just plugs up the hallway) I just think there are more important things we could all be focusing on rather than looking for that soul mate, especially in a school of 1200 where hooking up with the majority would be downright unreasonable (i.e. The colossal amount of grade eights who entered our hallowed halls this year).
For instance, what about your friends? Nothing kills me more than the girls (or guys, I’m sure there are some out there… but it’s usually the girls who end up being the lost puppy in most relationships) who find it practical to abandon all their friends for a new boy/girlfriend. Yes, yes, I know, they’re your true love and it will all be worth it. But suppose something goes wrong (heaven forbid) and you’re left with… what?
I suppose it’s all about prioritizing. And hey, if this sudden life-love is truly worth it, then all the more power to you. Just giving you fair warning. I just hope before you enter into a deeply romantic and heart busting love-fest, you think about your time management abilities. If they’re good, then great, If they’re on the weak side… well, wait it out. No point in wiping your friends off the radar until the eventual break up… why not, oh I don’t know… include everyone. They might get along. Call me crazy, but some people call that… consideration.
What I’m saying is… years from now when we’re looking back on our lives, it won’t matter how many notches we were able to carve into our bedpost (well, actually, I’d assume that would all depend on whichever path you take in life) but perhaps the friends we were able to keep, and look back on our memories with. Memories are often a lot more lonely when you have no one to reminisce with. Trust me on that one. You know what also rocks? The friends who are… just friends. The girls/guys of the opposite gender (or same gender if your gate swings that way… right on!) whom you remain just close buddies with. It’s always great to get another perspective, and it’s also fun to get away from the bitch fits or sausage fests.
I’ve had a lot of really close guy friends. At my old school the majority of my besties were boys. Most of them ended up being there for me a lot more than any of my female friends. I found I could tell them things that I would never dare tell even my closest femme fatales (you know I love you ladies). I’m not sure what the difference was, maybe I just find it easier to talk to guys. The point I’m trying to make is… friends come and go, but the special few who stick around through it all? They’re the ones that matter. The ones who can take your utterly obsessive moments, or your painfully down days. The ones who sit by while you gush about soul mates or make out with your latest boy toy in front of MY Psychology class. I’m definitely not trying to tell you not to date in high school. It’s one of the natural teenage experiences. Just don’t miss out on the other stuff offered to you. Worthwhile friends, amazing weekends, bad break-ups. Yeah, okay, so the last one isn’t so hot. But that’s all part of growing up. Hopefully, if you have cool stick-around friends, those bad bits will be just a little more bearable.
That’s all for now,
I’m out.
Adios my loyal chickas and papa citos,
Mahala xoxo

New Semester,bb!

Best effing semester ever!
Last semester was pretty sweet; family studies with Camille. Carlye AND Rachel (and Allyson, Kate, Tiffany and Kelsey... you're not forgotten), Enriched English with Cami and Rach... (where Will and I made the startling revelation that they take a regular English class, slap an "enriched" sticker on it, and give it a minimum GPA to make the smart kids feel superior.
Our school is SO ghetto, it kills me... gotta love it) Biology with Allyson and Kate... I see those girls all the time, but I am going to miss Mrs.Van SO much. She told me to come and visit, and she better know I'm going to take that invitation very seriously. (I have PE 12 with Van Waes during that block... you can't blame me for skipping)
I'm really going to miss my spare with Ben and Camille. (But not Jareth) I still have my spare with Camille (and Rachel!!!) but I didn't even see Ben today. LameXcor3.
My classes this semester:
1st period: PE 12 - Van Waes; Friends in this class: don't know, I switched into it 2nd period... so we'll see tomorrow
2nd period: SPARE - Mr.Pascoe apparently(whatevs); Friends in this "class" - Camille and Rachel as far as I know
3rd period: Peer Tutoring - Mrs.Miller/whatever teacher whose class I get assigned to; Friends in this class: Camille, Carlye, Mike and Poynter from the football team (I'd be scared if they peer tutored MY grade 8 class)
4th period: Psychology 12 - Mrs.McGregor: Friends in this class: Camille, Rachel, Layth, Bryan

Mrs.Miller kicked us out of peer tutoring until she assigned us to classes, so Cami, Car and I went to the caf and hung out with Dan, Alex and Paul.
Then Dan sacked Alex
and Alex beat him up.
Good times.
They almost broke the plexiglass window when they hit the wall.
Then they came back laughing.

Got to go find clothes that would pass as gym strip... ugh.

I'd like to point out that neither Dan, Allyson, or Alex is in MY PE class. They all have Maitland... in different blocks.
Kill me.

MOLLY <> says:
wanna switch to van waes class yet?
Dan says:
oh no way.
Dan says:
not gunna happen
Dan says:
sorry bb
MOLLY <> says:
:'(
MOLLY <> says:
but but but...
Dan says:
no!

I have the worst friends ever.