I miss my friends that are in Johannesburg

GiBbY <[Lucky]> says:
enjoy the rest of your summer:P
Molly Amazing Grace {667 3699} says:
goodnight
GiBbY <[Lucky]> says:
lol goodmorning
Molly Amazing Grace {667 3699} says:
enjoy your metaphysics

Amazing as it is

Amazing grace how sweet the sound

So I've been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to truly be alive.
To be perfectly honest, the odds were against me. I mean, I was always a good kid, but after everything that happened with my mom I became completely self-destructive. I didn't care what I was doing to myself, as long as it was ME that was controlling it, not some outside force. When I stopped eating and just exercised more, it was something I could physically see happening. I got skinnier, I was small and meek. I liked being able to curl up and feel like I was invisible, like what was happening around me wasn't happening TO me. I liked feeling weak; ironically, it gave me a strange sort of power.

That saves a wretch like me

This destructiveness, it's happened more than once. Last summer I had different priorities than I should have. I was so wounded by what my dad was doing, I denied my Heavenly Father, and sought out ways to take my mind off... life. I messed up so many relationships at that point... and stirred up a few I shouldn't have. Oddly enough, at the same time, I made some really good friends, too. Like they could sense my pain.
I'm not saying I was a bad person at that time, but I didn't stick to my iron-clad morals as much as I would have liked. It's something I've always taken some pride in; (I know, deadly sin) my ability to wave off peer pressure and stick to my morals. I've always been so sure about what I am and am not okay with. Last summer, I started doubting myself a lot.

I once was lost but now I'm found

Back to the basics though. I am so blessed to still be around. I would have just wasted away if God hadn't carried me here to Nanaimo, and I truly believe he carried me. I was too weak to do it on my own. I mean, if it hadn't been for so many influential people in my life, like Carlye, Caitlyn or Michelle, I would most definitely not be around anymore
Without Carlye introducing me to the church, I would have just turned to something else completely, but now I have that network that I know will always keep me grounded. Caitlyn's kept my spirituality strong because despite her own doubts, she never lets it waiver her lessons to others. I couldn't ask for a better roommate. Michelle was the only person I told about everything going on with my dad, or things at school or... anything. She gave me the simple task of every day telling her 10 things I enjoyed about my day, and knowing that she truly cared about my well being.. it was breathtaking.
Most of all though, I thank God every single day for His phenomenal grace. Now I know there are people out there who have it a lot worse. I've always somewhat had God in my life, thanks to my mom, but I'm hardly perfect, and the fact that He still loves me and is holding my hand makes this journey all the more worthwhile.
I grieve for my friends, the ones I see going through pain that I went though... things I never saw as damaging when I was surrounded by them make me nauseous now.
Thank you Lord for keeping myself and all my friends and family safe. Please just bless them with clear minds and common sense. Thank you so much for blessing me with such a sensational group of friends and congregation that care for everyone so much. Wash away all our fear and doubts and replace them with unyielding mercy and overflowing holiness.
Keep me steadfast and always living for You.

Was blind but now I see

Silence

What's happening here?
I was once so alive and now I'm so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I'm trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay

Speak to me wise mouth and say
it's all good kid, it's nothing that you did, and though it feels like I'm not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I'm listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.

Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting

It's a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can't keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I'm always near so you need not fear
But don't worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.

The Hug Poem

I read about how you touched them and they were healed
Or even if someone just touched your cloak they were forever changed
You let a broken women bathe your feet in her tears
And you washed your best friend’s feet
I am just wondering though did you ever just hug people

I mean I know that it is a silly question and all I am sure you would have why wouldn’t you
But its one of those things that was never mentioned that got me thinking about it

And how whenever there was a touch from you sins were forgiven and sickness fell
I think I’m caught up in my sins and last time I checked all my body parts were properly working, nothing special here
I am just a kid with a heavy heart these passing sunrises and sunsets

I don’t think our encounter would have ended up in your gospels or anything
Because all I really need is a hug
That is ok for me to imagine right
That’s not going to be conflicting with any sort of theology is it
Ok good, then hug me

But not one of these side ways one arm around the neck type hugs
Or the ghetto right hand clasp fists elbows to chest pat pat on the back back
Or you put your right arm over my right arm and I put my left arm over your left arm and we make this weird sort of diagonal thing
Nah none of those

BEAR HUG ME MAN
Take your old school carpenter arms and throw them around my upper body leaving my arms dangling underneath yours somewhere and I can barely move them because your squeezing me so hard
But don’t pick me up and make my back pop because I hate it when people do that

And hold me, hold me here in your arms until I start to cry
because I WANT TO CRY
But I just can’t seem to do it on my own
I have been teary eyed once recently but not even enough for a drip down my cheek
There's just hurt in my soul that needs to be purged so hold me in this hugging pose
until the pain is flowing from my eyes and nose

Why do you care so much? Your love's such a stretch for my faith

So I have my first day at my new job tomorrow.
Scary stuff.
Tomorrow is also Kate's birthday party, which is pretty exciting.
I cannot believe we are all turning eighteen.
So this might be a little strange, but I'm going to write the rest of this to my mom, because I feel like I have to.
So Mom, I guess if I truly believe what I told Caitlyn last night that I believe, then you
know what's going on. If that's true, then I guess... well... I guess nothing really changes.
I wish I could talk to you Mom. You know, just pick up the phone and talk to you every once and awhile, like I do with Oma. I remember right after you died I kept having those dreams where I'd have long conversations with you telling me you were alive and fine and you'd keep calling my name and telling me to come outside so you could prove it; you were never very kind in those dreams. I'd wake up and truly believe you were there... I'd wake out the french doors that separated my bedroom and the diningroom... and it would be empty. Sometimes it would take me a good 20 minutes to convince myself you really were dead. That was a really scary time.
Then later on I had those dreams where I'd just sit talking to you about life and you'd give me answers to my problems; it was great. I'd wake up and be happy... but still pretty bummed that I couldn't stay in that dream forever.
I don't dream about you anymore, maybe because I don't notice your absence as much; I barely notice Dad's, and it's only been 2 months. I've gotten pretty good at adjusting, eh Mom? If I believed in past lives, I could have 3easily been a military brat... or maybe just a kid with Pastors for parents.
This wasn't meant to lead into this, Mom; I swear. I just wanted to thank you for leaving me with some fraction of a memory of you... the silly things, like singing campfire songs while we did the dishes, or dancing around the livingroom to Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat and The Sound of Music. I miss times like that every day. I don't regret my past, but it still causes me pain to look back. I'm happy with my life and so grateful that I've gotten this far... but it doesn't mean I don't miss you every day.
I know sometimes you doubted yourself, Mommy. But never doubt the impact you made on me. Never feel less than extraordinary for the lessons you taught me and for being the most amazing woman I ever knew. I still find it hard to believe that you're not alive anymore, but I feel honoured to know that I got to spend time with you, even if it was only for 15 years.
Those years hold so many memories that it feels like an entirely separate lifetime... and it is the one that I will always cherish above all.

I'm asking you to show me what this life is all about

Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
I wish I'd gotten to know my mom better
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
I think you got to know her as well as you could with the time provided
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
she didn't have the chance to teach me anything or tell me about her life.
Who am I to even remember her if I'm not sure I'm remembering the right person.
The person I remember from a 5 year olds perspective isn't her.
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
it was who she chose to represent herself to you as
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
I wish I could have gotten to become her friend
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
you were at a point in your lives where you didn't need the friendship, yet
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
but I need it now :(
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
do you?
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
Is that one of those questions that one of my answers will be wrong and you know the real one?
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
I don't know if there's a real right or wrong answer
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
but I kind of get the yearning
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
it feels like everyone's telling you how proud she would be of who you are, now, but you don't have her telling you what to grow into next or just telling you herself
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
I don't see why everyone knows how she's feeling.
99% of the people who tell me that never even met her
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
or that's what I'd imagine feeling like
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
because we know you
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
and regardless of how long she was in your life, she shaped who you become, you know?
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
and honestly ask yourself if she'd be proud
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
it doesn't matter what you do, where you've been, she'd be proud of you for growing into your own person
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
my mom's proud of what I'm doing in dtes, but she'd be just as proud if I moved out and got married and stayed in Nanaimo
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
parents aren't proud of our accomplishments, it's our ability to make decisions
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
it means they did their job
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
but what about when people say that you have no memory of things when you die?
that means my mom doesn't remember me or isn't watching me at all
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
Show me in the Bible where it says that
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
...I don't believe that
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
people aren't always right
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
that we forget everything when we die?
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
yeah
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
I believe that we remember everything... the good or the bad
but the bad stuff doesn't hurt us anymore.
I think we just view it differently.
Just as an experience. We accept it and that's why there's no misery in heaven
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
because that stuff doesn't cause us misery
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
yeah
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
PLUS
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
everything we do in heaven is worship
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
including our thoughts
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
I'd like to think that I'd be able to glorify God with the decisions I made in my old life, you know?
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
yeah
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
So if everything worshipful is in Heaven, wouldn't glorifying God with our past count?
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
does that make sense?
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
I think so
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
AND
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
if time is all happening at once
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
that means you and I are already kinda there
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
with your mom
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
which technically means
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
technically, if you're there, she's glorifying God in the way she raised you because it ended up in you being there, too
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
I think she'd like you
Molly Desperate, we will lift up our hands! {667 3699} says:
Or... she does.
Since she knows you.
Uh....
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
now, I don't think our souls can be in more that one place
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
only God can be any kind of omnipresent
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
and our Souls are what go to our next life
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
this is kind of what I think
Caitlyn.. run and tell that says:
wait

At this point she ran upstairs and we had a long talk about theories of time and space in relation to God and I thought up a wicked metaphor about houses and mortgages.
It was amazing.

I love living with Caitlyn Spence... and having all our best conversations via MSN regardless.

When it rains

And when it rains,
On this side of town
it touches everything.
Just say it again and mean it
We don't miss a thing.

You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole
And convinced yourself that
It's not the reason you
don't see the sun anymore

And how could you do it?
Oh I never saw it coming.
Oh I need the ending.
So why can't you stay
Just long enough to explain?

And when it rains,
Will you always find an escape?
Just running away,
From all of the ones who love you,
From everything.
You made yourself a bed
At the bottom of the blackest hole
And you'll sleep 'til May
And you'll say that you don't want to see the sun anymore

And oh, how could you do it?
Oh, I never saw it coming.
And oh, I need the ending.
So why can't you stay just long enough to explain?

Take your time.
Take my time.

Take these chances to turn it around. (Take your time)
Take these chances, we'll make it somehow
And take these chances to turn it around. (Take my time)
Just turn it around.

You can take your time, take my time.

We are broken- Paramore

So I was walking home tonight listening to that song.
I wanted the walk to last forever because I felt so invigorated and at peace
and just filled with the spirit. I actually felt like I was overflowing and it was amazing.
I listened to the lyrics and for some reason I kept thinking of one person.
Actually, I've been thinking of her all weekend.
She was my best friend for many years.
She was one of my first friends when I moved to this part of the island when I was six.
I can vividly remember being drawn to her. I don't remember getting to know her, just... being friends. I guess that's how it is when you're six. Oddly enough, even at that age, things kept pulling us apart. She was ruled by her cousin, who forbid her to talk to me, we were in different classes for awhile... etcetera. In grade five we were reunited and sat beside eachother in math. Once again, something just clicked. At the time, I wasn't exactly in need of a true blue best friend like I was at age six, being new and confused and scared to death. I had 3 great bestfriends that I spent every second with, and we were moving up to middle school, where I met a lot more. Somehow though, as we moved to the crazy world of junior high, and had a total of one 40 minute class together, we got even closer. We had completely separate friends, but always found eachother again. We both took late schoolbuses every afternoon and spent every moment goofing off. Even though we weren't exactly best friends outside of our hour afterschool and our stained glass elective every other day (yeah, so I took stained glass, wanna fight about it?) I don't remember having as much fun with many other people as I did with her.
Over the next few years, we became those sideline friends; we were crazy about eachother, but only really saw eachother when we found the time. Right before entering highschool, something shifted. My longtime bestfriendship with my longtime partner-in-crime came to a halt.
I went from being one half of an excellent pair to losing most of my friends in one of those quick-arrange friendship custody agreements.
Somehow though, this sideline friend never made it into said custody equation.
She was stoked when I was free for lunch to hang out with her friends, some of whom I desperately needed to be reacquainted with (Lennie, from elementary school, prior to the :"boys-have-cooties" manifesto, Shannon, from the torturous grade 7 classroom of Mr.Smith... drama teacher from the depths of you-know-where, Hollie... see above) and some fresh faces, too (Sammi Macintosh: diva extraordinaire, Gibby: The fab new kid).
I had a whole new revamped social listing and some great friends backing me no matter what.
I guess that "no-matter-what" came sooner than expected.
When my mom died, she (whose name, if you know me, you would have probably already guessed was Veronica) cried right along with me. We spent summers togethe4r and told eachother all our secrets. It was one of those kinds of friendships.
Of course, shortly after my mother-related catastrophe, things hit a snag.
The friendship came to a standstill, I took it with a shattered heart, and I moved here.
Now I've reunited with a lot of my friends from that period in my life (Lennie, best friend sent from Heaven, and I still talk, Shannon and I hang out... ) but we never really got over
out colossal overly dramatic friendship-break up. I was mad and hurt and decided to run away from things, but we did end up talking once. It ended up making my new nanaimoian over protective friends upset, so we eventually stopped talking.
Until now... when I desperately want to talk to her... with a clear head and no post-mommy undertones that seemed to always haunt us. I want to be able to thank her for being amazing most of the time and tell her how things are going.
Despite everything, she was an amazing girl and a great 3 year closer-than-ever best friend.

I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Yeah
Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

Lock the doors
Cause I like to capture this voice
You came to me tonight
So everyone will have a choice
And under red lights
I'll show myself it wasn't forged
We're at war
We live like this

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole

Tower over me
Tower over me

And I'll take the truth at any cost

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And all the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole