Hide and Seek

Where are we?
What the ^hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to _fall,
^Cr_op ^ci_rc^le_s in the carpet, _sinking, ^feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
Oh you won't catch me around here.
Blood and tears
They were here first.

What'd you say?
That you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
What'd you say?
That it's all for the best? Of course it is.
What'd you say?
That it’s just what we need? And you decided this.
What you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep _falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, ^newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

If you ran to the ends of the earth, I would catch you and you would be safe...

So today we went for brunch at my Aunts house.
The biggest event to be noted is when Ewan, my 1 yr old second cousin, and I shared a 'moment' and totally jelled. We're BFF now.
I don't think I'll ever mean much to Isla apart from being her playmate. I don't need a name, I'm just that girl she can bend to her whim. I love my cousins.
Tonight I'm staying at my OTHER Aunts house in Coquitlum and I've had a pretty good time. We went for a walk around the nighborhood looking at Christmas lights like we used to do when I was little, and talked to my brother on the phone. We also watched The Bourne Ultimatum and my Uncle admitted how he's pretty much in love with Julia Stiles. Awkward for everyone.
I have a horribly sore throat and am still feeling more heartbreak-y than Christmas spirit-y.
For the entirety of this trip, no matter how many people are in the room, I always feel alone.

...if you fell down the well I would bring you a rope and take all the pain

So I'm staying at my cousin Celidh's house and I've been tossing and turning for hours, so now I've kind of given up on sleep.
So far my Chritmas has been pretty good. I got here earlier tonight and pretty much just hung out with Celidh's friends' 4 year old daughter, Taylor.
Afterwards Celidh and I watched Christmas themed chick flicks while Fred played WoW, and now everyon else is asleep while I wonder how I could NOT be.
I hope this holiday goes alright. I wish I could just feel peaceful right now, and I thought once I was here with my family everything would be better.
But nothing is.

Dirty and Left Out

Hello, I swear I won't be too long
Hello, I promise I'll be real strong
Wait up, I just wanna tell you
Hold up, why are you still here?

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Why do you wanna be all listening to me
Why do you spread your arms and tell me I'm free
Why do you wanna be in my life
In my life

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know

Jesus, Jesus
There's something about your name
Master, saviour, Jesus

I've been dirtier than you wanna know
I've left earlier than you'll ever know
Jesus
Jesus

I want more than desperation, I want more than a lonely nation

I'm feeling a lot better currently.
I went out with Michelle and we talked... about everything. I'm so glad that she's up to talking about what's going on with everyone right now. She deals with things silently, I deal with them through talking them out, however, whenever I'm battling with something, no one wants to talk. I still have hours of "mom-related" talking to get out of my system from 3 years ago, but no one really wants to hear anything else on that subject.
I also talked to Chris about how we've been feeling about a variety of things and our feelings regarding life in general are startlingly similar. He also told me that I'm the bravest person he knows. That was a major shock, because I've always considered what he's gone through WAY more intense than my crap. It also meant a lot, because although I've been called brave 4327843725 times in the past few years, coming from him it meant so much more. He didn't mean it in a "aww, you're mom's dead, that sucks" kind of way, but in a genuine "I respect the way you approach life" kind of way. It was big.
We also talked about how I wish I had gum that was a multitude of meals, like in Willy Wonka.

.:Chris:. -||- .What to do, what to do.... -||- says:
I wouldn't. That sounds icky
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
and a dog as big as Clifford that i could ride places.
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
I was thinking of that today while i walked the dog
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
i glared and her and thought "you're useless to me as an commonplace transportation device"
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
or a dinosaur
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
he could do my bidding
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
cause his teeth would be sharp and he'd have ice-age-old rage to throw into SOMETHING extracurricular
.:Chris:. -||- .What to do, what to do.... -||- says:
Threaten to eat your bosses if they don't give you a raise
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
don't you mean threaten to make HIM eat my bosses?
Molly סלה Run where you'll be safe says:
humans are gamey

Run where you'll be safe

I'm talking to Taylor Craig and I started telling him about my overwhelming loneliness that I didn't even realize I had.
About how increasingly since Caitlyn left, I've been feeling so alone, and I hate it.
How I'm always surrounded by people, but I can't talk to them and I'm always off by myself because I don't fit. My only solace is youth group, which I throw my entire being into. I love on those kids like crazy, just waiting for some of it to be returned.
It was an intense revelation for me.
I kept thinking it had something to do with not having my family, and I've spent weeks thinking about moving to Vancouver to be with them, and that it would fix everything.
I don't think I need family, I just need people.

<3//>
You just need love from people.
<3>
Tangible love.

I've been missing my mom so much lately, wanting her here just to hold onto me, but I don't think thats so much wanting HER, as wanting someone. She's just the person I relate that kind of compassion to and I don't know if those kind of people who can devote that kind of thing into me exist in my life. I can't expect anyone to do that, it's not fair.
But I don't want to feel empty anymore.

The Caitlyn Spence Show and other phenomenons from the past year

Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY THE ROLOOF FAMILY HAS A REALITY TELEVISON SHOW AND I DO NOT
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
WHY
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
who are they?
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
Little people big world
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
oh yeah
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
cause you have no midgets in your family
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
so
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
their show has nothing to do with midgets
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
dwarfism is a big seller
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
except that some of them are
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
it's just like "Today, we are going to play soccer. We are little people playing soccer"
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
and then half an hour of them doing everyday normal things
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
WHERE IS MY SHOW OF ME DOING NORMAL THINGS
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
I'd watch the Spence's
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
NO.
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
just Caitlyn.
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
oh...
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
hmm...
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
I dunno, Chelsea has a lot to offer...
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
not even
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
she can make cameos
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
who else is gonna be in your show
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
like... the opening credits
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
hmm
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
my mom
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
cale
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
shawn
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
the youth group kids
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
ooh ooh can mine have me doing something amazing
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
like playing Beethoven's 12th on the fluglehorn?
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
yes
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
but it'll be drowned out by the theme song
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
as long as my obvious talent is evident to the viewers at home
Caitlyn.. if this is salvation, I can show you the trembling says:
mmk
--------------------------------------------------
Molly says:
tequilla???
you drunkard!
Molly says:

I'm Home ! says:
ya thats ME

Caitlyn.. the chemistry between us could destroy this place says:
at least she can admit it
Molly says:
unlike Keeley.
She needs help.
Caitlyn.. the chemistry between us could destroy this place says:
oh her
Molly says:
34. What do you like about the summer? Drinking, camping, drinking while camping, drinking inside, drinking outside, going on drunken excursions, walking everywhere without a coat, while drunk possibly.
Molly says:
my brother can enter counseling with Keeley
Caitlyn.. the chemistry between us could destroy this place says:
He means koolaide right?
Caitlyn.. the chemistry between us could destroy this place says:
koolaide is the drink of summer
--------------------------------------


#21 Molly -|- Where there is great love, there are always wishes. -|- says:
...is that a watering can?
# 19 miCHelle's tip of the day: People who live in glass houses....shouldn't walk around naked 5 days says:
NO
# 19 miCHelle's tip of the day: People who live in glass houses....shouldn't walk around naked 5 days says:
ITS CLEARLY A CAR
# 19 miCHelle's tip of the day: People who live in glass houses....shouldn't walk around naked 5 days says:
AND A HOUSE AND A SUN AND A FLOWER AND ME IN A YELLOW FLIPPING SKIRT
-------------------------------------------------

Molly Grace marked your heart says:
WE SHOULD START A CLUB FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN BEATEN BY CLAIRE AT BOWLING
Caitlyn.. NO HOSANNA TOMORROW says:
YOU TOO!?
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
YEAH
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
i won the first round
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
the second round i was too busy dancing with the perry kids
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
isn't she four?
Caitlyn.. NO HOSANNA TOMORROW says:
yes?
Molly Grace marked your heart says:
WE ARE SO PATHETIC
------------------------------------------
Carlye says:
i called you
Carlye says:
and i have a plan
][Molly][ I’m drowning but I don’t care, because when you got what I got, who needs air? says:
ooooh plan?
][Molly][ I’m drowning but I don’t care, because when you got what I got, who needs air? says:
i love plans
Carlye says:
i have a list of things that are at caitlyns house
Carlye says:
this is your mission molly woodford
Carlye says:
find the jade monkey before sundown, and the world will be saved
][Molly][ I’m drowning but I don’t care, because when you got what I got, who needs air? says:
lolololololol
Carlye says:
......wanna hear the real plan
][Molly][ I’m drowning but I don’t care, because when you got what I got, who needs air? says:
yes please
---------------------------------------------------
Carlye the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
im scared to call rachels house this early, is it safe?
Carlye the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
or should i wait until 8ish
Molly Chris is a fatty says:
sure
Molly Chris is a fatty says:
they wake up early
Carlye the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
i'm doing it, if i die its your fault
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
did you die?
Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
yes
Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
im dead
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
aw.
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
how sad
Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
no kidding eh?
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
...can i have your hair straightener?





Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
IM STILL ALIVE
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
IT'S A MIRACLE
Molly Father we will lead them home says:
PRAISE THE LORD
Carlye {gabe tonight!} the vision is holiness that hurts the eyes... says:
HALLLEELLUUUJJAAHHH
--------------------------------------





Chelsea and Molly discussing the package of "meatless meatballs" in the freezer

Molly: you know, the whole meatless meatball concept makes little sense. Because if your meatballs were indeed meatless, they would cease to exist.

Chelsea: What if it was a vegetarian cow?

Molly: Well, maybe if it was a VEGETABLE cow... like, made of broccoli instead of cow.
---------------------------------

Kay, that's all, for now.
Other newsly news?
I still have a flu and want to die and junk.
I got a job.... even though I had to leave the interview to throw up.
YAY.
Vangi is coming to visit for New Years.
I leave on Saturday for my aunts house.
SO STOKED.
Kay, gonna go get better now.
LOVE

Starry Night

So I was watching Boy Meets World at 2am, because that's how I roll, and it was all about Starry Night. Topanga and Cory are on a break and their relationship pretty much depends on the Van Gogh painting, Starry Night.
Topanga spends hours speaking to a guy she meets about how it seems to signify God's love. That God is protecting the people in the little town. "They live their lives and they come out of their houses, and they see this sky and they know God's protection and love. And that everything will be all right."
She comes to the conclusion that their relationship depends on what Cory sees when he looks at the painting. He decides that what he sees is an attack. That God, unhappy with how some particular humans treat other particular humans who love them, has decided it's the end of the world.
I don't know why I'm blogging about a nineties sitcom, but I just felt like I should. It just... felt right.

Seasons of Love

So Michelle and I went to visit her dad today and they both informed me that it is less than 2 weeks until Christmas.
Last night at the banquet, Jamie (F.B Youth Pastor) talked about the lies that we're fed about Christmas. How Christmas is about gifts, Christmas is about Santa, eggnog, friends, family, giving. He talked about how Christmas isn't about any of those things. Of course Christmas is a great opportunity to see family and commune with friends and all your loved ones, and giving is a great thing. Charity is important, and community is a focus. But ultimately, Christmas is, plain and simple, all about the Savior.
As he was delivering this message (and Michelle and I were dressing Scott and Shawn up like Santa and Jesus [Shawn is not a very convincing Jew. He tried a Jewish 'accent' and came off sounding Asian... no joke]) I thought back to RENT. I've seen that movie over 100 times, easily. I used to watch it every night before I went to bed and every morning when I woke up a few summers ago. I loved that movie... I kind of even wanted to LIVE that movie. Now THAT was community! The opening song in that movie is 'Seasons of Love', and the story begins and ends on December 24th, following the lives of a group of friends living the 'Bohemian' [boho-chic] life.
Love is the central theme to that entire movie, and how this time of year is all about love. For family, for friends, for the less fortunate. Now what I wonder is, if Christmas is losing it's original point, and I DO believe that it is, shouldn't we hold onto this love? Now everyone in the world may not be spending Christmas praising Jesus, but if they ARE with family, or are giving presents, aren't those expressions of love? And I thought that God WAS love. So if Christmas is no longer the season of the Lord in everyone's life, what about the season of love?
Because whether everyone knows it or not, I think that when they're loving, they're praising.

If you listen to the sound of the hope in the voices of the children asking questions ,you'll know how blindness is a blessing

So my very best friend in the entire world is moving across the country.
Merry Christmas.

PEACH AND LIME DAQUIRIESSSS

Right now Carlye and I are looking back at grade eleven.
(and listening to Panic! At The Disco... but don't spread it around)
It's so bizarre to think of how much has changed since then, and how dramatically different we all are.

Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
this is awesome
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
all i can remember is me you, rachel and camille singing this on the bus on the way to parksville
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
ahha i know!
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
haha
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
we're amazing
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
oh yes.
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
the poor grooms bride is a WHORE
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
so she's not bleeeeeeeeeding on the ballroom floor just for the atteeeeention
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
you're pulling the trigger, pulling the triggerrrrrrrr!
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
hahahahhahaa
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
SO SCENE
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. says:
WHEN I SAY SHOTGUN YOU SAY WEDDING
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
SHOTGUN
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. sys:
WEDDING
Carlye my beautiful rescue... הפניה says:
SHOTGUN
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. sys:
WEDDING
Molly סלה True love stories don't have endings, but darling this one does. sys:
We were soo hardcore

Absolute

So it's December 10th.
I can't believe it was 3 years ago today that my mom passed away.
I'm in a very reflective mood right now; it's not a bad day, this one... it's usually the weeks leading up to this day that aren't so hot.
I'm trying to avoid the thoughts, feelings and general memories from that night 3 years ago... they aren't happy ones and they don't exactly help with the general coping process. I'm mainly looking back on the past 3 years... how much has changed. That first year seemed to stretch on forever, and I feel like the time spent in Qualicum without her was much longer than the ones I've spent in Nanaimo. It definitely doesn't feel like it was two years ago that I burst into Rachel's biology class crying. (I missed my bus, forgot my backpack, was late to school etcetera etcetera, and then on top of that I was reminded by everything that a year later my mom was still dead; it was rough.)I cannot believe that I've spent over 2 years in Nanaimo, and known most of my friends; the church, youth group, Shawn, for... well, two years... today.
So although my mom's death isn't exactly a memory I can look back on and smile about, a lot of the things that came from it are worthy of a smile. My amazing friends, the church, the youth group, sleepovers with Michelle, talks with Caitlyn, being monkey's with little Claire, every single thing in my life, good or bad, is a direct offshoot from my mom's death. I'd rather not think of it like that, though.
Maybe they're all gifts from my mom. Like even long after she's gone from this earth, she's still taking care of me.

Forever

So this weekend in Vancouver was pretty much amazing.
It started off with a bang with the NINETEEN HOUR ferryride on the shiftiest excuse for a boat imaginable (and by 19 I did, in fact, mean 2) however, Michelle, Mike and I somehow managed. Then we got greeted by dear, sweet, Cassie Marsh. (Who has the most incredible family, by the way). The hours before the banquet were spent giggling and being girly and ridiculous... it was obviously amazing. (Well, that was Michelle, Cas and I... not Mike. He was a 'man's man' and played videogames with Bradley and Andy [Cassie's brothers... they're triplets!])
The ride to CHT was quite the adventure. Might I say that David Grice is INSANE... driving wise, anyway. Besides almost getting the 15 or so of s KILLED, he also ducks with directions and we got lost and were late to the banquet. This, paired with the wiplash, was worth it for the AMAZING greeting we received upon arrival. Everyone lauching at you shrieking and hugging is definitely great for the self esteem. It was SO great to see Vangi, Rebecca, Jessica, Jaz... EVERYONE (I'm not going to start a list with the chance of leaving someone out). Vangi and I sat together (with Joanna and Co., of course) and had the best time... and may or may not have stuck out a bit (we definitely make a ruckus wherever we go... BESTFRIENDS!) and we all danced our tushes off. It was SO incredible to see everyone again; I really missed them.
Michelle, Cas and I had some really good talks after getting home last night (after getting supremely lost on the way home, since Mike Touzeau, despite growing up on the mainland, cannot find his way from Langley to Richmond.)
The ferry home today was... just as long... only lacking in one Mike Anderson, and afterwards Michelle and I had a smashing old time going to the singing Christmas tree with Tyler... and talking about goats wearing cover-up, in McDonalds.
Overall, an amazing weekend.


ps.
Michelle says:
and i'd like to point out that she makes the same "i'm a retard! Hear me ROAR!" face each time

Herrumph.

Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
but if i go outside alone i might get abducted! :-O
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
by a fat man in a red coat??
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
YEA MAYBE
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
crazy
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
mhm, and then i couldnt celebrate my birthday because id be locked in some abandoned warehouse!
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
with miniature people making toys?
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
so I don't know what bothers me more, the fact that I was abducted by Santa, or that you're calling me an elf.
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
who said i was calling you an elf
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
i just said you would be in a warehouse with miniature people
Ben // CarpetLeggs // says:
i never said that you would fit in, or something

My halo is broken now and I'm all that's left

So I guess I haven't written anything for awhile. Or I probably have, I just don't remember.
So I've been all flu-ish for the past few days, which wasn't very pleasant. I've also been spending some quality time with Chelsea and Cale, since we were all SNOWED IN for the long weekend (pro-d days). Chelsea and I honed our cheesy computer game skills, and we taught Cale how to play seek and find video games. He's addicted now.
I also haven't seen any of my friends since last week, because they were all snowed in, too. Carlye barely made it home from work, and her store was the only one open all weekend. Michelle got snowed in at her dad's house with her brother and sister so she actually almost didn't make it through the weekend. Enough talk of snow, though. It all melted yesterday and now we're back to good ol' British Columbia rain.
Today I get to go out for lunch with my dad, which is neat. I'm kind of bummed that he can't have christmas with the rest of the family this year, but I understand that he's just not ready for that. It's 21 days til Christmas (I know this thanks to Sarah Latour's constantly updated MSN status) and I'm pretty excited (but don't tell anyone, it'll ruin my rep).
I get to see The Aunts and my Oma and Opa. It's going to be weird celebrating without Grandma, but I'm just excited irregardless. Although I doubt Isla and Ewan remember me (or if Ewan ever actually notices my presence) I'm SO stoked to see them. As much as I enjoy my life in Nanaimo. nothing quite beats family. My life here is new and everything it contains is current. All of my memories here don't stretch past grade eleven. My family knew me before my memories were even formed, and they can help me piece together my past that I'm so unsure of. Plus, The Aunts love telling embarrassing stories about me when I was growing up, and unlike when I was six, I like to hear them.
It also doesn't hurt that they have some pretty amazing stories of my mom, too. Not just the hugging, cookie-baking, Christmas-party-planning mom, but the one that existed well before she was "Mom".
The mom that I never really got to know...
and that's a beautiful thing.

Water to my soul

So I'm feeling better than I've been feeling the past few days, but I suppose that wasn't exactly public knowledge. On top of being physically ill since I got back from Vancouver, I've been feeling like a pretty big failure, waste of space... whatever you call it, I felt it. Now I know that I am God's child and I am a part of the body and needed and etcetera, and I'm confident in that, trust me. It seems like the issue was outside of me; not a spirit thing. The book we're reading for XLR8 says that EVERYTHING should be a spirit thing, so I guess that's my problem, if I'm living solely through my spirit; through the spirit, nothing outside of it should affect me. At least, that's what the book told me. Or maybe the reason it is bothering me is because all is not right with my soul. Who knows.
That's a rhetorical question with an obvious answer, so I don't want 16 emails telling me something I am already fully aware of. The point is, that feeling is gone. Or if it isn't, it's lessened substantially. I went out with Kellie tonight and we had a good chat. Actually, it was a pretty ordinary insignificant chat... but it was conversation, and I guess it's all I needed. My life is such a bore lately, but at least I've been able to see my friends more than I had been able to in the past few weeks. I went out for breakfast this morning with Michelle, which was fun. We decided we were too young and hip to be Ladies who Lunch, and it was only 10:30am, so we're officially the Babes who Brunch. Classy, eh? Tomorrow I'm possibly getting together with Ben, and Carlye is sleeping over, because we make eachother love life (and I'm the only one that listens to her rant about her amazing boyfriend for 6 hours).
Tonight Michelle, Tyler and I watched Reign Over Me.
It's about this guy that runs into his old college roommate, whose wife and 3 daughters died in the 9/11 plane crash. He denies it ever happened and doesn't actually remember anything from that part of his life. It's depressing, although I don't know how it ends because Michelle had to get the car home by 10.

I suppose that's all.
PEACE

ps. Tyler told me on the phone tonight that if the movie didn't make me cry, I was cold-blooded. I asked him if that meant I was a a reptile. He said that yes, it definitely did.
Long story short, I am now a Caribbean gecko.

Jolly Holidays!

Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
i just had a vision
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
it was funny
Michelle says:
k
Michelle says:
lets hear it
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
well it was about you two
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
only you were Mary Poppins and he was the chimney sweep when they go through the painting
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
before they ride the magical horses from the merry go round
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
when she's dressed in a pretty poofy flowered dress and bonnet
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
and he has the cute white suit on
Michelle says:
lol kinda following... i havent seen this movie in years
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
and he sings " Jolly Holiday"
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
Oh, it's a jolly 'oliday with Mary
Mary makes your 'eart so liiiiiight!
When the day is gray and ordinary
Mary makes the sun shine briiiiiiight!
Michelle says:
lol random
Molly You're not perfect, but I don't care says:
Oh, 'appiness is bloomin' all around 'er
The daffodils are smilin' at the doooooove
When Mary 'olds your 'and you feel so grand
Your 'eart starts beatin' like a big brass band
It's a jolly 'oliday with Maaaaaaary
No wonder that it's Mary that we loooooove!

Would you believe me if I said it's still easy

So I was reading this weekend, because that kind of stuff is rad, and it was basically an entire text on fighting the evil one. On a completely separate occasion last night, I was talking to Michelle about how she can't quite see herself being too successful on the downtown eastside because she's a burden bearer and, well, there are a lot of burdens too bear down there, and Michelle's shoulders just can't support it all. Then we discussed how my gifts are mercy and evangelism and I would feel bad for them and then work my butt off trying to get them saved.
I've actually been noticing my mercy a lot lately, because when I was reading the book, and it talked about how Lucifer was cast to earth and became Satan and so on, I actually felt bad for him. I mean, he was an important angel and could have really been amazing and done a lot, and now look at him. It's just too bad. That does not, however, mean I don't want to beat him evil little butt into oblivion, mind you. I'm just saying, he really screwed himself over. Ha.

I know this is a really pointless post, but I'm content with that.
Today at wild truth we did the leap of faith, when the leaders hold out their arms and the kids have to fall off the platform into our arms and have faith that we won't drop them. It's a pretty long fall, too. I was glad to see the information really soaking into the kids heads and them truly understanding the connection between that and having faith that God will always catch them when they fall. It was actually really beautiful.
(and Alexis Levac is the cutest 5 year old on the planet)
We actually spent all bible study writing "constructive criticisms for Shawn (paired with things we like about him) and listening to him read them out. One actually made me laugh so hard I was in tears. I did, in fact, cry on Michelle's shoulder for a good 3 and a half minutes.
"You look like Dana Carvey"
I love my youth group so much.
Well, I suppose that's all.
Oh, and afterwards Tyler, Michelle and I invited Shawn to our excursion to Tim Hortons, since he gets hurt that we never invite him when we go out after bible study every week and we had some really good youth pastor- youth leader/ youth (Tyler is, in fact, only 17) conversing.

Kay that's all, for reals.
Night.

It's the overflow of the forgiven soul... Our hearts CANNOT stay silent!

As the title may or may not reveal to you, I am currently rocking out to 'Dancing Generation' by Matt Redman. That is the mood I'm in right now. Although I am cold and tired and barely thawed, I am in AWE of God right now. I just had a truly amazing conversation with a girl who at one time, not too long ago, I was very close friends with. We still see eachother often enough, but things have changed because the girl that I once loved, who always GLOWED with the Lord's glory, through much pain, has developed a bitter heart, and it's become pretty hard for a lot of the people in our congregation, youth-wise, to relate to her as we once did. As much as we do for every other aspect of our lives, we ache and grasp for the past, when things were beautiful and like new; when she was like an innocent tender flower, not a cold, hard stone. So you can understand to some degree how delightfully surprised I was when I got through an entire conversation with her without her yelling at me! (It's her 'thing' nowadays)
She revealed to me her feelings of loneliness and depression and how she feels a need for someone, anyone, to fill that need. She said that she aches for a boyfriend, because, in her once-familiar innocent flower ways, she's never had one.
I told her not to rush things, that time is not as important as finding a relationship that glorifies God. I praised the LORD when I could see her old mannerisms coming through as she told me how she sometimes feels like just grabbing a random guy and kissing him, just for the sake of doing it, but obviously doesn't because she knows that it's not for the right reason.
She talked about how she can imagine her perfect match; looking at her in a certain way she couldn't quite place... that smile he'd get everytime he looked at her.
I must say, I was impressed with the words I gave her, and as I read them back to myself, I felt them imprint themselves onto my heart as well, because I think it's a message EVERYONE should receive.

"Don't hurry things, it'll happen when God wants it to happen. Focus on Him, and mystery boy will come after. When you meet the right guy, you'll know.
Not by instantly wanting to kiss him, but by the way he treats you and makes you feel about YOURSELF.
The guy who will make you feel beautiful in sweats with no makeup and gives you THAT look.
The guy that you want to kiss because God has set you up as a perfect match. You'll kiss him because you want to express to him how much he means to you and to God.
You'll know it's right. You'll recognize the feelings; like it's written on your DNA.
you'll feel accepted, and you WONT feel lonely.
Being with ANY guy may take away the feelings of loneliness for a little while, but you'll know he's not THE ONE by the way he treats you.
It may be fun to make out and feel like you're wanted, but if he doesn't show you that you're beautiful INSIDE as well as on the outside, then he's not worth it."

I loved that I got to express that to her, teach her like I used to, guide her to straighter paths, because I have been so WORRIED for her; for her innocent heart.
Hallelujah! I missed her; my beautiful tender flower.

I have so much more to 'blog, but I think this is quite enough emotion for ONE entry,
Now I'm off to revel in the wonder of my Father.

Consuming fire

So, yesterday I received a bunch of facebook messages from numerous people in X{LR}:8.
Prayers, requests for prayer, general information... and the hard truth. We don't talk. We promised that we'd talk and keep eachother updated so we could help eachother through life. We spent an entire weekend learning that we could and SHOULD rely on eachother to hold us up and hold us accountable, but that weekend is in the past, and it's like those rules only applied then, or at SYC. At youth group, when Shawn made us think back to a moment we were truly happy, told us to think back on the sights anf the smells. There was one obvious one, the one with my mom on her last "healthy" Christmas, when everything smelt like cinnamon and pine needles and love, but another one kept trying relentlessly to nudge itself into my mind. It was at X{LR}:8, it was pouring ran and Vangi and I had just run through the storm to the warmth of Gooding Hall. We were soaking wet and laughing and we started riffling through the music that had been left out from Worship early that morning. Together we sat there holding hands singing "Consuming Fire" over and over and over again. Nothing else mattered in that moment but the words escaping our mouths and the spirit inflating our hearts. All I can remember from that moment was pure joy. I wasn't thinking of my mom or my dad or loneliness or feelings of inadequacy, it didn't even matter that I'm not very good singer. All that mattered was that moment. Of course, that was probably tied with screaming worship while wading in the ocean during a thunderstorm and spiritual warfare with Vangi and Joanna.
So I guess if it was to choose a time to freeze in and not go forward with my life, (even though the whole point of the bible study was AGAINST doing that) that didn't involve resurrecting someone, it'd be that weekend.


There must be more than this
oh breath of God come breath within
There must be more than this
Spirit of God we wait for you
Fill us anew we pray
Fill us anew we pray

Consuming Fire
Fan into flame
a passion for your name
Spirit of God
fall in this place
Lord have ur way
Lord have ur way
with us

Come like a rushing wind
Fill us with power from on high
Now set the captives free
leave us abandoned to your praise
Lord let your glory fall
Lord let your glory fall

I'm awake in the infinite cold but you sing to me over and over again

Sometimes I wonder if you're looking down on me.
If you see how I've grown, what I've learned and the stupid, stupid mistakes I've made.
Sometimes I convince myself that it's just a dream... a long, painful, pitiful dream, but I never wake up. Sometimes I can't believe it happened. That it's all still happening. It's never going to stop, is it? I'm going to keep living out your death. Everything that happened and has happened since and will happen in the future is a continuation of your untimely end. Sometimes I wish people understood, that they could FEEL how bizarre this entire thing is.
It's like for your entire life, for fifteen years, you're one person, and you know that person, you've master being that person, living that life, sometimes you even LIKED that person, and then one day it all changes and there's no going back. Sometimes I wonder if I could have done something differently. I wasn't just a kid, I think that was my favourite excuse at the time; it wasn't happening, that doesn't happen to me, it happens to other people... I'm only a kid.
But I could have told you to go to the doctor, I could have nursed you back to health, I could have at the very LEAST, held your hand in the hospital. Instead, I stayed home curled up in a ball under my covers and waited for it to end. I prayed for it to end.
It ended, you ended. My life as I knew it ended. Be careful what you wish for.
It's not that my life now is so painfully unbearable, it isn't. I'm lucky for what I have and what I've learn and for my stupid, stupid mistakes... but that doesn't mean I can't miss you sometimes. It doesn't mean I can't squeeze my eyes shut tight and pretend you're still here... for at least a little while.
Vangi told me that she knows you'd be proud of me, and that you loved me and still love me. I know that, I KNOW I was your little girl and I know that Jacob and I were your entire world, but the more I think about how much you loved me, the more I ache for that love. I yearn for you to physically be sitting beside me and hugging me. To hold my hand and hold me when I cry.
I miss you so much Mom.
But I'm not going to think of the rest of my life as living out your death, but maybe a continuation of your life.
I'll try to make you proud Mommy.
I'll try to stay your little girl.

When we're still holding on to how things were, our arms aren't free to embrace today"

I find it a major miracle that he bible study topics are always things that relate to what I am dealing with the day before. It's so profound and such a blessing.
Tonight we talked about living for today. How you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow, and by living in the past, you can't move forward and accomplish a thing. After we watched the video Shawn made us close our eyes and envision the time when we were happiest.
Immediately, I thought back to that Christmas I was thinking about yesterday, the year before we found out my mom was sick. It was in the big house on Allsbrook, and everyone was there. Oma and Opa came with Aunty Carol and Chelsea, Helen (my mom's best friend at the time), Sam (the husband) and their daughters Alice and Joanne (MY best friends back then) were there... everything was perfect. There was christmas music blasting for days, the house always smelt like eggnog and cinnamon and at night I'd fall asleep to our crackling fireplace.
That's what I've been holding onto; the memories of my mom, and how I can't go back.
I guess in a way, it's easier than it would be for most. I can't hold onto the past, I can't stay there and attempt to stop it from changing, because I can't. My mom's death forced me to move past it. What I'm worried about is how my life is going to start changing dramatically very soon. Michelle is starting nursing, Mike and Tyler are going away to school, Carlye is moving to Langley... and I'm heading off to start my life God knows where... I do have the opportunity to stay, to try and freeze time and keep everything the way it is. To become a static representation of myself and not accomplish anything at all, but be safe.
With my mom, I had no choice but to move on and grow, now I have a choice... I just hope I make the right one.

Sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key... sing me anything

So in no time it'll be Christmas again.
That holiday always seems to sneak up on me. When I least expect it, it's just right in front of me and I have to deal with it. It's been almost 3 years now; well, 3 years on December 10th.
Part of me is angry at, well, myself... for not being over it. I don't want to be a downer or anything, but it seems like every year my mood starts taking a nosedive around this time.
The other part of me is guilty for trying to forget. If I try to move past these feelings, does it mean I'm forgetting my mom? I know that everyone will argue that it's not the same thing and they'll use those cliche lines about her always being in my heart and being happy that I'm moving on. Now that's all well and good, but it's not that easy. My mom was this amazing ray of sunshine in everyone's lives, and I want to be that for everyone as well; I want to throw big christmas parties, and wear jingling earrings and play christmas music from november through til april... but what if that means I'm not moving on? If I'm trying to be her? What if I'm nothing like her at all? What if all we share are matching smiles and vertical-impairment? I mean, I don't have her gorgeous singing voice, I don't have her tenderness, I don't have the same thirst for life that she always seemed to be overflowing with.
It seems so backwards that 4 christmas' ago she was overflowing with life and now she's... not.

Gardenstate

You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? ... that idea of home is gone ... Maybe that's all family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.

All the words you said to me that day, I could not explain

Hmm, so my life feels like it's balancing out.
I have a steady schedule at work now; I work Mon- Fri and get weekends off.
I'm pretty excited about that, and I get to go visit Caitlyn (hopefully!) next weekend with Michelle.
We're both very stoked to see Cait again; it's been too long.
Deanna sent us all a giant letter from Scotland and it was really neat. I miss that girl a lot, but I'm pretty excited for her homecoming in June.
Tonight was pretty extraordinary, and it was really great to catch up with Carlye again. Although she was only gone (physically) for 5 days, it's like she's been away for awhile now... or maybe we just weren't making an attempt to find her. We caught eachother up on our weekends and what we've been feeling lately. It was sad to realize that despite being best friends and only living 10 minutes apart, we didn't really know what had been going on the past few weeks.
We watched the Nooma video "Lump" and I don't have much to say on it. I don't mean that in a negative way, just that the message was simple and direct. I am loved no matter what.
Somehow I feel, though, that people use that as a security blanket. Yeah, it makes those warm fuzzy feelings in our hearts, but is that really all it should mean to us?
"Aww, I'm loved. That's neat. I feel good now. Life is peachy."
That just seems a tad naive to me.
But maybe that's just an issue I need to deal with.

Prayer

"Is anyone among you in trouble? Let them pray. Is anyone happy? Let them sing songs of praise. Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make them well; the Lord will raise them up. If they have sinned, they will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective"
James 5:13-16

This is how we'll dance when, when they try to take us down

So I figured this song (Let The Flames Begin) was a good blogging song.
So in the past 24 hours or so, I've learned, or re-learned, really... a lot about myself.
I was having an intense conversation with Clint Houlbrook about how everyone has a talent but sometimes I'm just a TEEEENSY bit jealous of other people's talents. That started a whirlwind of scripture verses and "didn't you listen at ALL during the weekend at X{LR}:8?"'s.
(Which, in case you were wondering, cemented my belief that Clint is pretty much the coolest man alive.) It's not so much that I WANT someone else's gifts or abilities, but moreso that I wish mine were more... usable. I mean, I LOOOVE to write, and I realize that I'm fairly decent at it, but how do I use it to help others worship. It's not that I don't know HOW (Clint also gave me a list 10 pages long of ways I could) but I kind of lack the platform on which to do that.
It was around the time THAT conversation was winding down that Clint decided that he wanted to post my writing on Send The Fire. In fact, he's interested in me writing a monthly article/poem/etc for the site, based around the fruits of the spirit. It will be paired up with a photograph illustrating the same topic, and a video of the like as well as a song that the more musically inclined youth of Canada can put together (Vangi and Mike seem pretty open to that bit). After THAT I got a message from Jasmine, a girl in my X{LR}:8 session, asking me if I wanted to write an article for The Salvationist (A Salvo magazine thing) about love.
Some time after that, I decided on Columbia as my college of choice for September (if I can get in, that is) not only because of the fabulous courses that seem to match my interests perfectly, but their fantastic journalism program and acting group.
After THAAAAAT I learned from Vangi that Columbia is her school of choice too!
(I did in fact know she was considering it, but it's cool to think we'll be going to the same school someday... I mean, SHE still has to finish highschool).
So on top of it being a very action packed day, I re-learned quite a bit about myself. I say re-learned because not too long ago I knew that writing was my passion. It wasn't JUST a hobbie, it was my life.
For many years, I had my life mapped out. Get straight A's, go to Princeton, become a screenwriter. The thing is, when God come into the picture, everything changes.
I don't mean it in a negative way at all... I love my life and what God has done with it. I wouldn't change anything about my life or the way it has panned out. Yeah, my mom dying wasn't amazing, and my dad trying to kill himself wasn't an awesome experience either... but both events have helped me grow and learn a lot about life... now that I have life figured out, I just have to decide how I fit into it.

Peace

I guess as the months and the years wear on
And that pretentious grandfather clock in the den chimes gallantly
I'm expected to feel some sort of peace.
I'm supposed to lift up my hands and declare that I am a better person and call out "I am gratified and I have grown through my pain and near demise!"
So I guess it helped in a way
It really added spice to the whole growing up pseudo-after-school-special-my-life-is-invigorated-by-this-one-of-a-kind
-life-lesson thing

But the funny thing about growing up is,
it happens.
You can jet off to Antigua for God knows how long and it happens.
I would still grow and learn and screw up
-save deaths, rebirths, financial devastations and step-on-the-crack-break-your-mother's-whatever detonations.

So thank you for the gratification,
but I know and you know and that girl from my grade 10 science class knows that is is displaced.
Because despite all the tears and tears
and sordid pity hugs
I would have grown up and grow out.
Out of devastation, out of despair and out of her arms.

Molly Woodford

Michelle says:
i think i'll go tanning again tomorrow
Molhala They prey as wolves among the sheep and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep says:
how long until you're black?
Michelle says:
lol
Michelle says:
who knows
Michelle says:
i have tanlines just from today
Molhala They prey as wolves among the sheep and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep says:
i need dates, latour. I want an african american best friend.
Michelle says:
lol

Unwinding Cable Car

Emotive unstable, you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Backing away from the problem of pain; you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes; it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart

You're so brilliant
Grace marked your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
and out of the dark

Close your eyes and make believe, this is where you want to be

So I'm pretty much waiting with baited breath for the rest of this week. It looks pretty exciting. Tomorrow I get to laze around all day, and they can't even call me in like they did today (and ruined my LAZY), because I get tuesdays off!
Then there's bible study, which makes me stoked on life, obvs.
Wednesday I'm babysitting Katie for the morning and being lazy the REST of the day (unless I get called into work, of course) and Thursday I get an 8 hour CLOSING shift. Oh my life.
I LOVE taking buses at 10pm :)
Friday is picture scavenger hunt, which is exciting (gag) and then it's the weekend.
How time flies when you actually have a life.

I just spent the last 9 million hors talking to Veronica and Chris about, well, everything.
I haven't laughed that hard in SO long and it was amazing. We laughed til we cried and relived hundreds of memories dating back to grade 6 (More V and I than Chris... he just got confused.)
It was a lot of fun, and for a bit, really momentous.

Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
does anyone else find it kind of unreal that the three of us are talking right now?
Veronica says:
yeah
Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
I kind of feel like I'm in grade 10 again
Veronica says:
i know
Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
is this a good bizarre, or a bad bizarre?
.:Chris:. -||- .Si vis pacem, para bellum. -||- says:
I'm surprised V is talking to me :P
Veronica says:
its good.
Veronica says:
very good!! (L)


The truth is, Chris has been friends with BOTH Veronica and I this whole time, but this week is pretty much the first time we've REALLY talked in 3 years. As much s my life has kind of moved on and I'm happy here and I've moved past all of the stuff that went on in grade 10, the fact of the matter is, I moved because of V. I actually switched to a school 2 towns away because of her. I actually couldn't be in the same town if we weren't friends. I guess it was a pretty big deal.
So yeah, us being good friends again? It's really, really... cool.

She's a question without answers

So when I was growing up and I'd be in a bad mood or flustered, my mom would tell me to go scream into a pillow. I'd rarely do it, because at the time she told me, I was cynical and angry and doing the opposite of whatever she said. So today I was stressed and aching and the sorrow in my heart was rising again. I heard a little voice whisper "Couldn't hurt to try, Mols"
so I took a deep breath, sent myself to a secluded spot in the house and screamed all of my anguish and hurt... into a pillow.
I got less tense, my problems seemed really infantile, and I went on with my day... just like that.
Funny how, 3 years after her death, my mom is still teaching me some pretty big lessons.

Everything I think about, makes me feel like a version of myself

So I've had a couple friendships where I stop talking to someone for awhile, but when we talk again, suddenly we're on the same wavelength as before. I used to assume that it was a sign that we're such good friends nothing could tear us apart. But that's not it. It's almost as if people grow together, and as much as you change, whatever connection you once shared never fully goes away. I reconnected with an old friend earlier this week... we were incredibly close at one point in my life; best friends... but a lot happened that changed it. It's funny, really, I can remember when it ended and my dad told me that he was sure we'd be friends again one day, and I told him that it would NEVER happen, that we were sworn enemies for life. At the time it was the biggest deal because it's all I knew of my world. I ended up switching schools directly after that, mostly because of this one friend. But now, none of that seems to matter. Now, I know I suck at holding grudges, but when I search my memory for the main reasons we stopped talking, they really seem ridiculous. I mean, I was 15 and my mom was dead and nothing really made sense.
Back to the friendship thing though, it's almost like we're conditioned to have certain reactions when we see certain people... or act a certain way. I mean, I know for a FACT that I am nowhere near the person I was in grade 10, and she's convinced she isn't either... and yet when we talk it's like nothing's changed.
I think we're conditioned to do or think a lot of things. Like the smell of brownies cooking reminds me of the house I had on Hickey Ave, and the smell of Antibacterial soap reminds me of my moms hospital room, and snow reminds me of my brother and I cross country skiing when I was 6.
Or whenever I peel a mandarin orange, I always feel sad if the peel breaks into 2 or more pieces, because I've been conditioned to believe that's horrible, just from growing up with the "first orange you eat, if the peel comes off in one piece, you get a wish" thing.
I know that everything that has ever been said or done to me has influenced who I am, and I'm okay with that. My mom dying tweaked me a little one way, and my experiences with my dad molded me another. However, as much as those events shaped who I am, I am not those events. I don't want to be defined by my experiences. People do it a lot, not in a negative way, but by describing me as 'strong' because of my mom's death. I do it too, I've learned. Eventually, it just becomes a comfortable habit. It's a lot easier to be those things that figure out who I really am. The truth is, her death didn't make me strong, it made me very very weak. Dealing with that made me strong. Having to react to everything that resulted from her death gave me strength. My mom's death is not me. I am not motherless, I am not fatherless. I am Molly. I am friendly and warm and I have an amazing sense of humor. I am a good friend and I am an evangelist. I am energetic and some times kind of cruel. I am fast to speak and slow to anger. I am good at lifting people up, and sadly, pretty talented at putting them down (though I try not to do that purposely).
But I am not death, I am not despair. I am not tragic or broken.
I am growing and learning and glowing.
Or if I'm not, at least I'm trying.

I'm finding it hard just to be with you

Hmm, well..
I've been semi-sleeping for about 45 minutes, but when that failed, I decided to write something, with the half-hope that someone wakes up so that I have someone to talk to.
Wow. I'm selfish.
Tonight I keep having flashbacks to my conversation with Caitlyn, about how I wished I had gotten to know my mom better and how there are huge gaps in my life's story that only she could provide me the answers to. I sometimes envy my friends because of the conversations they have with their moms about them growing up, or their mom's own life experiences. There's no other way I can get some of that information, and it pains me. I was talking to Michelle tonight about how I'm over my mom's death. And I am... it's the fact that she's not alive that I still have trouble with.

Love is all you have, but you don't have a clue what it's costing you

Okay, so today is one of those times that I felt like I should post a blog, but have no idea what to say. And saying the first thing that pops into my head normally gets me into trouble.
Wish me luck!
Okay, so I was talking to Pearlanne the other night, and that's always amazing because... well... Pearlanne Gray is amazing.
She was talking about this guy Mechizedek, who is mentioned in the bible, as well as a God people had named Zedek. Talking to her about it made me have a real thirst for knowledge. Just general bible knowledge. I really wish there was a bible study for that because Pearlanne and I both noted that we had exhausted our resources and the next step was to ask the Majors. Now, I love Shawn's bible study, and what we're learning. All about what we really mean to God, and those movies are great and everything and I am learning a lot... but when was the last time I discussed the actual Bible with someone? I mean, besides Pearlanne. Probably not since Caitlyn was here, and that was only a few times, and that was probably my own fault. I mean, Cait had tons of knowledge and I should have taken advantage of it... but oh well.
So now I'm kind of... stuck.
And I know, I know, I CAN read my bible alone, but I enjoy the discussion. I like discussing eternity, I like discussing who these people were, how they lived, and how we relate to eachother.
I'm *this* close to starting a bible study just for that. But I guess Shawn has to approve it or something back in August.
Lame.

Kay, that's all. Time for Mike's football game.
GRACE

And in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me

So my Halloween was pretty enjoyable. Spent some time over at Michelle's where we watched our fav movie (yay best friends!) and ate the best chicken club pizza in the world.
Timmy was fully being a tool, but what else is new.
I just love all of my friends so much. Everyday I feel so blessed to have every single one of them in my life, even though I may not make it clear. I thank Ben a lot for existing, and I'm pretty sure I tell 'Chelle she's amazing each and every day, but what would I do without them?
Seriously, I spend pretty much every night with Michelle and Mike just driving around in her car. And Carlye has been around for me for the past 2 years like you wouldn't believe. Even though Caitlyn's gone... well, come on, I live in her flippin' house! Vangi is amazing and it breaks my heart that I don't see her as much as I should. Tyler is just there whenever anyone needs him and he can put a smile on my face in a heartbeat. There are just so many people that I honestly owe my life to. Michelle and I were talking in the car tonight about how it's not going to be like this forever. Eventually, (sooner, rather than later) she's going to be in nursing school, Mike's going to be some football star at some ivy league college, Tyler's going to be off at Booth changing the world... and there will be no late night hang out sessions, or 16 person sleepovers at my house. There wont be anymore weekends of the boys hopped up on '5 hour energy' singing at the top of their lungs in my room, or nights at the beach in Michelle's car. And I'm not going to lie, it scares me. It scares me to death. We're all going to be going our own ways soon, and I can't imagine a life without these people. Like Michelle said, we're expected to all be married (to each other, if the congregation has it their way) with children in a few years... and we can't really fit in nights at the beach then.
In other news, I'm really struggling with my past. I fear it so much, and it has me near paranoia. It's as if I believe it's going to come up to get me. I have a new and better life now, new and better friends, I have God (well, I always had Him, I just didn't know it), my church, the entire congregation... and yet, it all comes back to what everyone from 3 years ago thinks of me. Do they see that I'm happy, I'm healthy? Do they see the hundreds of amazing friends I have?
The strange thing is... opinions don't matter to me much. I have full belief that the only opinion that matters is God's. I don't pay much thought to what people think of me now. I demand respect from the kids in youth group, and I pray that they see me as a leader, and I always hope that people see who I am, and that I don't hide behind a mask, like I used to... but if someone doesn't like the person I am, than I don't pay much heed. However, I guess the little 15 year old inside of me cares. So can everyone pray over that right now? I want to let it go... I want to five it up. I honestly cannot grow if I'm not at peace, and if ALL of me is not willing to grow with me.
Well, I work in the morning... so, Grace.

ps. Seriously though, my friends are so rad.

Hold on

So I found that semi-lame Jet song I used to listen to a lot before and after my mom died.
I've always had this small feeling that my testimony is somewhat false, because I talk about why I felt the way I did, like I was wearing a mask, but I didn't know that at the time, so how do I know that's not just my perception of it now, but it could have just been who I was then?
Then I heard this song, and remembered why I liked it. Because the lyrics just seemed to make sense to me. I don't know, it was just a really strange revelation for me.
Maybe the me now knows the me then better than I thought I did.

You tried so hard to be someone
That you forgot who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
‘Til all you had spilled over
Now everything is so far away
That you don’t know where you are, you are

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

When it’s hard to be yourself
It’s not to be someone else
Still everything is so far away
That you forget where you are, you are

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to

Hold on

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

I've lost myself for good within Your promise, and I won't hide it... I won't hide it

So tonight bible study was pretty great.
In fact, as a whole, my day was pretty great.
I'm still nervous at work for the most part, and although I had a really amazing time until the last 2 hours, I ended my shift feeling really disheartened and inadequate. I stood there, close to tears, and prayed to God for some sense of accomplishment... anything. Then, as I was walking out the door, Nicole stopped me and told me that I'd done a really good job today, and she was sorry for placing me in the situation that she did at the end of the day when I hadn't been trained on it yet and it was completely her fault, not mine, and that I did terrific.
Wild truth was pretty great, too. Tyler and I totally ad-libbed the entire thing, and rocked at it, if I do say so myself... although I'm pretty sure that was more Tyler than me. He's pretty much incredible or something.
We watched another Nooma video today, and I've decided that Rob Bell is a spectacular person.
Everything he says just seems so raw, but so perfect; exactly what we needed to hear.
He talked about rainstorms in our life... how we cry out for God and that's when he comes to help us. He used the analogy of his baby son crying when they were out in the rain. His sons only reality was the rain right then, and he couldn't understand anything beyond that. Like when our life is going through trouble and we are burdened, that's when we don't feel God, even though that's when he's there for us the most. And he took his son and wrapped him in his arms the whole way home through the rain and whispered "I love you buddy, Dad is going to get you home, it's going to be okay" over and over again.
and that we should know that when we are in pain that God loves us and he knows how to get us home and it's going to be okay.
Since our bible study started watching these videos, I've been interested in Rob Bell.
This quote is from his book Velvet Elvis, and it's amazing... obviously.
Will creation always be like this? Fractured? Chaotic? This has been the question for thousands of years. And central to the Jewish world of Jesus was the belief that God not only hadn’t given up on creation but was also actively at work within it, bringing it back to how he originally intended it to be. The prophets had a way of talking about this restoration movement of God’s. They spoke of God reclaiming the earth and restoring the world. They did not talk about people going somewhere else at the end of time. They talked about God coming here at the end of time.
Notice what Jesus says about the end of the world in Matthew. “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne…”
Jesus uses an important word here: renewal.
Jesus describes his return as rebirth, a regeneration, a renewal.
Remember, when God made the world, he called it good. Why would God destroy something he thinks is good?

….In Jesus, God is putting it all back together.

Of course, I must make it clear that I am not idolizing this man in any way. I do fully comprehend that these amazing words are not his, but God's. But the mouth out of which they flow is a blessing, not only to me, but to everyone who hears them. Okay... that's all.

PJ Parties

Michelle says:
omgosh
Michelle says:
me and mike hang out every night already whats gonna happen when he gives up tv?
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
he'll just sleep over
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
you guys can have PJ parties
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and eat popcorn
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and talk about boyssss
Michelle says:
haha
Michelle says:
shut up mols :P
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and read girly mags
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and watch tear jerkers
Michelle says:
lol shut up mols
Michelle says:
seriously
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and tell secretssss
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and play MASH
Michelle says:
lol
Michelle says:
MOLLY
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
As long as you guys still hang out with me
Michelle says:
lol
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
because outside of hanging out with you and mike, my life has very little texture

We beg, we pray, but everything still happens anyway

So, this weekend I went to my first high school party.
Well, no... I went to a couple in grade nine and stuff, but nothing too severe.
I always felt a little inadequate for missing that part of high school. I mean, I'm content with my life, but there was always a piece of me that wondered.
Well, now I know. And I'm glad I never went that path.
I went there with Tiffany, Allyson and Katelyn (Katelyn was dead set upon going, and we've learned not to argue with her) and we stayed for 45 minutes, tops. We just kind of stood there observing. I'm not saying it didn't look like it could have been fun if that was the type of person I was, but I'm not.... and I'm glad. Like I said, I'm happy with my life, and I'd be pretty heartbroken if I was anyone but who I am. So my feelings lately about being inadequate to everyone around me, and replacable... They're slowly being pushed out, because although I'm not perfect, I'm not the only one... in a way, everyone is a lot like me regarding the "greener grass" issue... but the truth is, it's just... isn't.
Greener, I mean.

Newsflash: My cousins kids are cute

So I decided that instead of blogging on nothing in particular, I'd blog about how amazing I think my family is.
In particular, Ewan and Isla, my second cousins. Honestly, there is not another thing on the planet that can make me smile faster than these kids.
Isla's a precocious little brat, but she can always put a smile on my face. She's everybody's princess... and she knows it.
Ewan is pretty much just stoked on life. He's not so much for the temper tantrums like Isla, but instead always has a big goofy grin on his face.
Seriously, the highlight of all of my visits with Ryan and Elizabeth is seeing these kids shining faces.
Okay, that's all.

Boys speak in rhythm and girls just lie

When you have to look away
When you don't have much to say
Thats when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love you
I love you, endlessly

So I'm not quite sure how to deal with everything right now.
So much is happening, and I'm not exactly sure how to feel.
Am I just supposed to sit idly by and watch all of this happen to my friends?
Do I just pray that the best will come out of the situation? Because I am scared, not just for the obvious victims, because I believe you are all bring victimized. No one is getting the upper hand here, and no one is benefiting from this series of unfortunate events. I'm sorry this is happening to you, but there's consequences to everything you do, and you knew that before any of this started. Don't idly play the victim, because no one is attacking you. This isn't a personal assault, you did this to yourself.
So how do I feel?
Relieved that it's almost over? or sick because, truly, it's only just beginning...
Oh brother.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life you were only waiting for this moment to arrive


I haven't posted a real blog entry in a couple weeks and I figured that was pretty lame, so I've decided to change that.
In Wild Truth next week, the kids are writing Thank You letters to God. Then we take the letters home and pray for each and every one of those kids.
I don't see why this should only practiced by 30 kids between 5 and 12, so I'm going to do it right now as well. Shawn gave us a pretty sketchy talk last night about the difference between knowing Jesus and Jesus knowing us. So I figure... what better way to up my relationship with the big man?
It's pretty hard to write that kind of letter though. I mean, what do I say? Shawn said we often find it easier to confess to God than to our friends because their opinion of us matters more than God's. That may be true, but I still find it pretty intimidating to just strike up any old conversation with Him.
If someone's important enough to be spoken of in the objective and still be capitalized, I feel that I have every right to feel intimidated.
A whole mess of stuff is going down this weekend.
Vangi Wagner, Josh Mills and Jessica Walker are coming to Nanaimo for the weekend, and I'm more than a little stoked. Those three people are 3 of the most important people in my life right now. Plus, I guess it touches me a lot to know that I actually mean enough to them to travel over here for my fake-birthday. Also on the guest list are Michelle Latour, Carlye Morris, Tyler Paquette, Mike Anderson, Katelyn Bledsoe and Mary and Jessy Alexander.
It shall be a splendid event indeed.
Other things have to be accomplished as well; things that I am not so stoked about... but we'll see how it all pans out.
All in all though, I'm pretty excited.
I start Bootlegger on Sunday night. I'm really REALLY looking forward to that. I don't even know how to express it. I'm just thankful that they offered me the job before somewhere else did, because I was really hoping for this one.
So my weekend should be full of amazing memories and out of this world friends.

Molla out.


Well I don't know what I'm looking for
But I know that I just wanna look some more
And I won't be satisfied
'Till there's nothing left that I haven't tried

Dying Wish

Michelle says:
if she goes to your party i'll do it then
Michelle says:
i can accomplish 2 things at once
Michelle says:
3 actually
Michelle says:
1. get rid of this problem
Michelle says:
2. get rid of her, because she'd leave
Michelle says:
3. force ____ to show his true feelings for me by rushing to my side
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
and then you guys can smooch in the rain
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
thereby accomplishing 4 things
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
4. my dying wish
Michelle says:
undying*
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
no.
It is my last dying wish
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
like.. if i had cancer.
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
i don't
but if I did
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
most kids would want to go to disneyland
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
but no... when the miracle network came to MY door, I'd tell them what I wanted... and they'd HAVE to do it.
It's their job
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
I'm a genius!
Michelle says:
if it was your dying wish he'd defs do it
Molly And that's what you get when you let your heart win says:
I've got to find some chemical spills to roll around in so I can get a mutated cancerous gene

It starts in my toes and I crinkle my nose, wherever it goes, I always know. You make me smile, please stay for awhile.. (SUCH good times 'Chelle)

So this post won't be too long, because I just got home from driving around with Michelle and Mike and I am dreadfully tired.
SYC was beyond fantastic.
I drew closer to so many people and have so many wonderful memories that I can barely handle it.
Probably the best part was cheering Michelle up with Tyler, and him telling her that they are like Romeo and Juliet ("You can NEVER leave me. If you do it'll be like Romeo and Juliet. You'll die, and then I'll kill myself, and you will wake up and then see me dead and kill yourself." "Uh... thanks?" "You are my JULIET! Deal with it.") and him telling her that if his future wife doesn't like Michelle, he's taking back the ring.
Those two people are pretty much beyond amazing that I really cannot even put it into words.
Vangi is, naturally, amazing... She just boggles my mind every single second and I'm not sure quite how to express that to her, or anyone.
Hanging out with Taylor Craig was definitely rad, although I'm thinking that playing Final Fantasy and using my sweater as a tent (so we were really just sitting under a coat) may have looked suspicious. I had some really rocking conversations with Josh Mills, and I pretty much just love Rebecca Grice to the ends of the earth.

That's all?

Oh yeah, and I fought Mike Anderson for shotgun tonight.
He laughed, then threatened to throw me somewhere, and then I proceeded to the backseat.

lovelove.

The Mols