Jonathan Close

You we're like a brother to me... a brother who actually LIKED to hang out with me. 
We were the babies of our families, and the only person I didn't feel invisible around. 
I still remember playing with your car track in your room for hours, or you playing barbies with me in mine. I remember how we decided we were old enough to watch "It" with Jacob and Jamie... and then had nightmares for weeks.  I remember how we'd always try to sneak upstairs to Justin and Jamie's room... but always got caught. I remember a lot of things, actually. You were always around, we were always together. You were my best friend, and there was never any question. I never felt rushed to visit you, because ypu'd always been around, and you always would be. You presence in my life has always been something I can count on... since I was 2 years old. 
Rest In Peace Jono... I love you, and I'll miss you. 

ps. I still have the hand puppet you got me for christmas when we were 4. 

Excerpt from my own blog - May 1st 2008

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:32-33

In this world you will have trouble. 

That sentence isn't the kind ready for open interpretation. It doesn't leave you unsure of where you stand or it's meaning. It's simple and to the point.
In this world, in this life, you will have trouble. You will strive and you will fail, you will hurt and cry and mess up countless times and break hearts and have your own shattered. You will wake up some mornings and not want to get out of bed. Crap happens. 
But take heart! 
Do not fear! Dry your tears and rejoice!
I have overcome the world.
King of Kings, Lord of Lords. The Creator, Alpha and Omega, has overcome this world, this life, this trouble, torment and pain.
That sentence is as simple and concrete as the first.
Take heart! I have overcome the world.

I've been thinking a lot about this verse in particular lately. In this world you will have trouble. 
Not maybe... You will.
Absolutely, no doubt about it.
Hold on tight.
I think back to all the times in my life when I have felt alone and hopeless and wondering if it will ever get better. The days, weeks and months after my mom passed away, I was certain that feeling in the pit of my stomach would never go away. That despair and emptiness that remained in her absence. I only recently remembered how much I used to refer to that emptiness. And only then did I notice that it's gone. I started to think back, way back, to before my mom passed away. When I look back at pictures from back then, I barely recognize myself. I was the tiny girl (yeah, yeah, still tiny) with the longest, blondest hair and the sparkle in my eye. I was the one who sat on the phone with my friends for hours telling them that it would get better, as long as they had faith.
The more I thought about it, the more I knew. It wasn't my lack of a mother that had me feeling empty for those passing weeks and months. It was my lack of faith. I'd lost my hope and my belief that it would get better.
I've had a lot of those moments since then, trust me. 
Life will never be a walk in the park. There will always be trouble. But God has defeated this world, Jesus has battled the trouble and won.
Take heart. I have overcome the world. 

Grip

I never thought leaving my happiness behind would ever be an issue. 
The thing is, I'm ACTUALLY happy. It feels like such a long time coming.
I feel like I'm on solid ground for the first time in so long. 
Nothing has ever felt sturdy to me, I've never been able to rely on anyone, and now I have learned to rely on God. I have gained the self confidence to not fall back on others for protection or safety. It's like some sort of sick joke, that I'm finally growing in love and happiness, and I'm leaving. I am confident in my path here, but the future holds no guarantees.  I've gone so long trying to escape from here, to reach out for bigger and better things... and suddenly my life feels like the very best thing. I'm scared to leave and lose that.... lose my security and friends and love. It's like I'll leave and everything will collapse, the world will end there, and there will be no way to backtrack. What if I turn my back for a second and everything changes? I'm in this new place in a new life, while my old life slips from my grip... my friends feel pain, or fear, and I'm not there to protect them. Lord knows I can't protect them now, but I'm HERE, I'm here and I want everyone to be able to depend on that. If I'm halfway across the country, everything will change without me, and I wont be around to help. Or what if, by some miracle everyone stays safe and healthy and steadfast... but I am not? What if I leave and my happiness stays here? I've been blessed with so many things to be thankful for, so what right do I have to walk away from them all? Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Jigsaw

I feel so blessed to have the people in my life... in my life.
It's like it's a puzzle built just right.
I have a huge group of friends, each one with their own special quirk. Some are ditzy, some are pessimistic, some have their psycho-android moments. But so do I. And we all, in our mayhem and obscurity, make up a huge bizarre, flawed, but intricate puzzle. It's never perfect, and it's always hectic, but we fit. And I am feeling so phenominally blessed right now by every little piece of my puzzle. Even those who I don't get along with, they are a part of my world, my puzzle. My puzzle feels kind of complete. 
I'm not saying my life is perfect or reached its pinacle. Lots of things suck, this isn't even one of my best days. But my puzzle continues to grow and expand, gaining more and more vibrant colors and patterns. 
My life feels like a masterpiece in progress. 

Photographs

[Miraculously found from Dec 9 '08]

About 20 minutes ago I was sitting in my livingroom crying and hyperventilating a bit, due to a sudden realization that my mother is dead. 4 years too late? Yes. But it happens every year. Every single year around this time I remember that my life is missing something, and my mind has never quite wrapped around that. Every once in awhile I sit down and try very hard to make sense of it all. I try to remember her face, her voice, and how she smelled, and then I tell myself that the person I am remembering is gone. But it doesn't really add up. Yes, I know my mom died, and I know everything that went along with it. The facts are all there. But a few moments ago, I was looking through my photoalbum of her, and staring at her face, and it doesn't really make sense. Because I can look deep into the eyes of the photos, and remember when the photo was real, but it's a memory, and it's like that person isn't a part of me anymore, because although the memories and feelings are there, when I look into the face, that person isn't really a person... it could just as easily be someone from a movie I've watched over and over. And that scares me. Because I love my mom and I miss her every day and I have so many memories that drive me to tears, but trying to connect the person to the events hurts too much for the connection to be made. For it to really make sense. I just really want it to make sense. 

However. I don't want to end this on that note. 
So I wont. 
Because, I found a picture. 
I was talking to Chris, and I remembered the photoalbum my Aunt gave me for christmas last year. It was something she'd been working on since my mom passed away. A photo album of pictures from the time my mom was a baby, up until a month before she died. 
And I found a picture I'd never really noticed before. The last picture of my mom. It's of my mom and I... and I was clearly caught off guard and I look terrible and my mom looks tired and a little too pale. But it's my mom and I. Proof that, at some point, we sat beside eachother and our arms touched. 
And there are tons of photos of my mom and I. The photo album is chock full of them. But this one is different. In this photo I am not a blond 5 year on sitting on my moms lap. I am fifteen, and I bear a pretty striking resemblance to the person I am now. My mom is beside me on the couch and you can tell that before they photo was taken, we were laughing. And not mommy and five year old girl laughing; genuine laughing. A girl on the brink of adulthood (or so I liked to believe at the time) laughing with her mother, because we were friends. It was proof that once upon a time, four years ago, our arms touched and she was my best friend.