So I'm going to be completely honest, I do not even want to blog right now.
But God is totally kicking me in the butt right now, and that's obvs the best reason.
XLR8 was INCREDIBLE... kind of.
Thursday night, I cried for hours, and prayed that I'd just get to go home.
Then, for the sake of community and intimacy with our sessionmates, we had to hand in our
cellphones and ipods. My ipod I could care less about, but no cell meant no Chelle, and I honestly didn't know how I was going to get through it without her.
Like, I can handle 4 days without her, but I just really didn't want to be there at all.
So much had happened between February (the last retreat) and now. I felt so disconnected from my XLR8 session, from my brothers and sisters in Christ.
During worship, I fully broke down into the most intense sobs ever. It was not pretty.
(Literally... I was red and blotchy, my nose was running, and my eyes were bloodshot)
When I finally unwound myself from the fetal position I had taken the form of on the floor, Tyler was there to wrap his arms around me and he didn't release me or stop rubbing my arm until I stopped crying. He is fully one of the greatest friends.
After that, things kind of calmed down a bit. I spent that night hanging out with Ty and Jose, because we were the only ones not stupid enough to go swimming in the freezing lake at 11pm.
My tooth was in such terrible pain all weekend, but I still slowly managed to have a really great time. It felt good to reconnect with Kate again, even though, realistically, she only lives a few blocks away. Slowly, my heart began to warm again. I realized I had shut myself off to these people. I'd convinced myself that I couldn't open up to them, trust them. I ignored God's small voice telling me that were my family, my brothers and sisters, and just like me, they were his children. On Saturday, Dave Ivany spoke to us about the discipline of silence. That sometimes it's good to just listen, not just talk God's ear off. He has some pretty important stuff to tell us.
So that afternoon, we had to meditate on psalm 139 and stay silent on our own and wait for what God told us.
I went out on the lake in a kayak and prayed that God would speak to me, because I was ready to listen. Instead, I had some song stuck in my head. I asked God to remove those thoughts from my head so I could hear Him, but it just got louder. That's when I realized, it wasn't a song that was replaying in my head, but a poem, by Bradley Hathaway. And get this, it's called... Silence.
Crazy.
God is incredible, because on Sudnay when we fianlly got our ipods back, the first thing I listened to was Silence, and it contained the answers to all the questions I'd been begging God to respond to. After that, I ended up writing a poem too, and Clint recorded my telling of the experience during the Silence, as well as a clip of me reading my poem, which was a bit unnerving.
He's posted my poems on Send The Fire before, but they weren't attached to my face, I didn't have to read them outloud, and it wasn't one that I'd written an hour before.
I'm a bit sketched out that a video of my poetry is going on there, especially since this one was probably the most raw heartfelt one I've written in years. It came from my soul.
I should definitely go to bed, I've been staying up far too late lately with Chelle and co. (totally worth it) and I work at 6am.
More updates later.
Peace and love.
Silence - Bradley Hathaway
What’s happening here?
I was once so alive and now I’m so full of dread and almost dead
Show me your wounded head that is lead to communion with the father
But where did he go?
His presence seems farther and farther away each day
but I’m trying so hard to steer his way
Yet still lonely and confused on this cold hard ground I lay
Speak to me wise mouth and say “it’s all good kid, it’s nothing that you did, and though it feels like I’m not here with you right now just be still and silent and listen for that sound..
Shhh..
Did you hear it?
Listen again.
Did you hear it?
That silent voice that just spoke nothing, that is me, I’m listening to your plea with open ears Counting all your tears flowing from your irritated eyes
Searching the skies looking for that hope that beyond there lies.
Oh you young worrisome sparrow, find rest
Lay your battered head upon my omnipresent breast and make it your nest
No strong cold wind could ever blow and carry you from this your home
Look around, see the life shooting up from the ground
Spring colors springing fourth and celebration of your trusting
It’s a constant process this is
Growing you into the man you are to become
But when you sense the setting of the sun know it is only rising and has just begun
Now go fourth, sing songs of faith, and lift up others in the midst of this race
And if you can’t keep the pace or lose sight of my face
Know that I’m always near so you need not fear
But don’t worry about all that right now
Just sit here and enjoy the peace I offer in my silence
When I am silent I am listening, and not abandoning.
