I'm finding it hard just to be with you

Hmm, well..
I've been semi-sleeping for about 45 minutes, but when that failed, I decided to write something, with the half-hope that someone wakes up so that I have someone to talk to.
Wow. I'm selfish.
Tonight I keep having flashbacks to my conversation with Caitlyn, about how I wished I had gotten to know my mom better and how there are huge gaps in my life's story that only she could provide me the answers to. I sometimes envy my friends because of the conversations they have with their moms about them growing up, or their mom's own life experiences. There's no other way I can get some of that information, and it pains me. I was talking to Michelle tonight about how I'm over my mom's death. And I am... it's the fact that she's not alive that I still have trouble with.

Love is all you have, but you don't have a clue what it's costing you

Okay, so today is one of those times that I felt like I should post a blog, but have no idea what to say. And saying the first thing that pops into my head normally gets me into trouble.
Wish me luck!
Okay, so I was talking to Pearlanne the other night, and that's always amazing because... well... Pearlanne Gray is amazing.
She was talking about this guy Mechizedek, who is mentioned in the bible, as well as a God people had named Zedek. Talking to her about it made me have a real thirst for knowledge. Just general bible knowledge. I really wish there was a bible study for that because Pearlanne and I both noted that we had exhausted our resources and the next step was to ask the Majors. Now, I love Shawn's bible study, and what we're learning. All about what we really mean to God, and those movies are great and everything and I am learning a lot... but when was the last time I discussed the actual Bible with someone? I mean, besides Pearlanne. Probably not since Caitlyn was here, and that was only a few times, and that was probably my own fault. I mean, Cait had tons of knowledge and I should have taken advantage of it... but oh well.
So now I'm kind of... stuck.
And I know, I know, I CAN read my bible alone, but I enjoy the discussion. I like discussing eternity, I like discussing who these people were, how they lived, and how we relate to eachother.
I'm *this* close to starting a bible study just for that. But I guess Shawn has to approve it or something back in August.
Lame.

Kay, that's all. Time for Mike's football game.
GRACE

And in case you were wondering, you are like a sunset to me

So my Halloween was pretty enjoyable. Spent some time over at Michelle's where we watched our fav movie (yay best friends!) and ate the best chicken club pizza in the world.
Timmy was fully being a tool, but what else is new.
I just love all of my friends so much. Everyday I feel so blessed to have every single one of them in my life, even though I may not make it clear. I thank Ben a lot for existing, and I'm pretty sure I tell 'Chelle she's amazing each and every day, but what would I do without them?
Seriously, I spend pretty much every night with Michelle and Mike just driving around in her car. And Carlye has been around for me for the past 2 years like you wouldn't believe. Even though Caitlyn's gone... well, come on, I live in her flippin' house! Vangi is amazing and it breaks my heart that I don't see her as much as I should. Tyler is just there whenever anyone needs him and he can put a smile on my face in a heartbeat. There are just so many people that I honestly owe my life to. Michelle and I were talking in the car tonight about how it's not going to be like this forever. Eventually, (sooner, rather than later) she's going to be in nursing school, Mike's going to be some football star at some ivy league college, Tyler's going to be off at Booth changing the world... and there will be no late night hang out sessions, or 16 person sleepovers at my house. There wont be anymore weekends of the boys hopped up on '5 hour energy' singing at the top of their lungs in my room, or nights at the beach in Michelle's car. And I'm not going to lie, it scares me. It scares me to death. We're all going to be going our own ways soon, and I can't imagine a life without these people. Like Michelle said, we're expected to all be married (to each other, if the congregation has it their way) with children in a few years... and we can't really fit in nights at the beach then.
In other news, I'm really struggling with my past. I fear it so much, and it has me near paranoia. It's as if I believe it's going to come up to get me. I have a new and better life now, new and better friends, I have God (well, I always had Him, I just didn't know it), my church, the entire congregation... and yet, it all comes back to what everyone from 3 years ago thinks of me. Do they see that I'm happy, I'm healthy? Do they see the hundreds of amazing friends I have?
The strange thing is... opinions don't matter to me much. I have full belief that the only opinion that matters is God's. I don't pay much thought to what people think of me now. I demand respect from the kids in youth group, and I pray that they see me as a leader, and I always hope that people see who I am, and that I don't hide behind a mask, like I used to... but if someone doesn't like the person I am, than I don't pay much heed. However, I guess the little 15 year old inside of me cares. So can everyone pray over that right now? I want to let it go... I want to five it up. I honestly cannot grow if I'm not at peace, and if ALL of me is not willing to grow with me.
Well, I work in the morning... so, Grace.

ps. Seriously though, my friends are so rad.

Hold on

So I found that semi-lame Jet song I used to listen to a lot before and after my mom died.
I've always had this small feeling that my testimony is somewhat false, because I talk about why I felt the way I did, like I was wearing a mask, but I didn't know that at the time, so how do I know that's not just my perception of it now, but it could have just been who I was then?
Then I heard this song, and remembered why I liked it. Because the lyrics just seemed to make sense to me. I don't know, it was just a really strange revelation for me.
Maybe the me now knows the me then better than I thought I did.

You tried so hard to be someone
That you forgot who you are
You tried to fill some emptiness
‘Til all you had spilled over
Now everything is so far away
That you don’t know where you are, you are

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

When it’s hard to be yourself
It’s not to be someone else
Still everything is so far away
That you forget where you are, you are

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to

Hold on

When all that you wanted
And all that you had
Don’t seem so much
For you to hold on to
For you to belong to

I've lost myself for good within Your promise, and I won't hide it... I won't hide it

So tonight bible study was pretty great.
In fact, as a whole, my day was pretty great.
I'm still nervous at work for the most part, and although I had a really amazing time until the last 2 hours, I ended my shift feeling really disheartened and inadequate. I stood there, close to tears, and prayed to God for some sense of accomplishment... anything. Then, as I was walking out the door, Nicole stopped me and told me that I'd done a really good job today, and she was sorry for placing me in the situation that she did at the end of the day when I hadn't been trained on it yet and it was completely her fault, not mine, and that I did terrific.
Wild truth was pretty great, too. Tyler and I totally ad-libbed the entire thing, and rocked at it, if I do say so myself... although I'm pretty sure that was more Tyler than me. He's pretty much incredible or something.
We watched another Nooma video today, and I've decided that Rob Bell is a spectacular person.
Everything he says just seems so raw, but so perfect; exactly what we needed to hear.
He talked about rainstorms in our life... how we cry out for God and that's when he comes to help us. He used the analogy of his baby son crying when they were out in the rain. His sons only reality was the rain right then, and he couldn't understand anything beyond that. Like when our life is going through trouble and we are burdened, that's when we don't feel God, even though that's when he's there for us the most. And he took his son and wrapped him in his arms the whole way home through the rain and whispered "I love you buddy, Dad is going to get you home, it's going to be okay" over and over again.
and that we should know that when we are in pain that God loves us and he knows how to get us home and it's going to be okay.
Since our bible study started watching these videos, I've been interested in Rob Bell.
This quote is from his book Velvet Elvis, and it's amazing... obviously.
Will creation always be like this? Fractured? Chaotic? This has been the question for thousands of years. And central to the Jewish world of Jesus was the belief that God not only hadn’t given up on creation but was also actively at work within it, bringing it back to how he originally intended it to be. The prophets had a way of talking about this restoration movement of God’s. They spoke of God reclaiming the earth and restoring the world. They did not talk about people going somewhere else at the end of time. They talked about God coming here at the end of time.
Notice what Jesus says about the end of the world in Matthew. “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne…”
Jesus uses an important word here: renewal.
Jesus describes his return as rebirth, a regeneration, a renewal.
Remember, when God made the world, he called it good. Why would God destroy something he thinks is good?

….In Jesus, God is putting it all back together.

Of course, I must make it clear that I am not idolizing this man in any way. I do fully comprehend that these amazing words are not his, but God's. But the mouth out of which they flow is a blessing, not only to me, but to everyone who hears them. Okay... that's all.

PJ Parties

Michelle says:
omgosh
Michelle says:
me and mike hang out every night already whats gonna happen when he gives up tv?
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
he'll just sleep over
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
you guys can have PJ parties
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and eat popcorn
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and talk about boyssss
Michelle says:
haha
Michelle says:
shut up mols :P
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and read girly mags
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and watch tear jerkers
Michelle says:
lol shut up mols
Michelle says:
seriously
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and tell secretssss
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
and play MASH
Michelle says:
lol
Michelle says:
MOLLY
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
As long as you guys still hang out with me
Michelle says:
lol
Molly סלה I am all that you love, but just like the daughters of Eve, you like bitter fruit from forbidden trees says:
because outside of hanging out with you and mike, my life has very little texture

We beg, we pray, but everything still happens anyway

So, this weekend I went to my first high school party.
Well, no... I went to a couple in grade nine and stuff, but nothing too severe.
I always felt a little inadequate for missing that part of high school. I mean, I'm content with my life, but there was always a piece of me that wondered.
Well, now I know. And I'm glad I never went that path.
I went there with Tiffany, Allyson and Katelyn (Katelyn was dead set upon going, and we've learned not to argue with her) and we stayed for 45 minutes, tops. We just kind of stood there observing. I'm not saying it didn't look like it could have been fun if that was the type of person I was, but I'm not.... and I'm glad. Like I said, I'm happy with my life, and I'd be pretty heartbroken if I was anyone but who I am. So my feelings lately about being inadequate to everyone around me, and replacable... They're slowly being pushed out, because although I'm not perfect, I'm not the only one... in a way, everyone is a lot like me regarding the "greener grass" issue... but the truth is, it's just... isn't.
Greener, I mean.