eh.

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
that's my newest poem
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
I like it. Although it makes me feel funny.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
what kind of funny
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Like, sad almost.
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Sad in an uncomfortable way.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
then my current emotions were expressed more than I thought
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
It makes me feel that way too
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
but I already feel like that
.:Chris:. -||-.When Everything Is Wrong, We Move Along.-||- says:
Will you explain what's going on?
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
life just isn't so great right now, babe


-So your legs tremble.
You’ve found a conductor
A leaning post that wont talk back.
A electric jolt that surges through you
tingles to your toes
but doesn’t stop there.

-And so your lungs burn.
With every unsaid word
and every raw, uncut prayer.
So very coarse and unprocessed are the murmurs
so oafish and perfect
in all their simplicity; in all their mayhem

-And so your companions scatter.
Followers gather
and devotions brace.
And you’re searching for a stronghold
you’re seething from the inside
from the inside outward into the fire of a false soul.

-Yeah, so you’re scared.
Your everything burns with expectation and doubt
for what is and isn’t and will never be.
Well it’s more than all of that, sweetheart.
Stop running away and start charging head on
and don’t stop there.

-Okay, so you’re doubting yourself.
All you’re really doing is doubting him
and denying everything you’ve been taught.
Who is it really hurting
you could just jump out or quit
or quit monopolizing the simple stuff.

So here’s the thing.
You’re not fooling anyone-
yeah, it’s horrendously terrifying.
Yet you know it’s so painfully wonderful
wonderful and grueling
and yet isn’t that the point
nothing easy is ever worth it.

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
mention this conversation to her and I'll break every one of your bones.
She'll use her SCARY glares towards me.
/exaggerated shudder.
I don't have the crap-tolerance to deal with that
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
...I'm not happy
√L3NN says:
I bet you couldn't break those little bones in my ear
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
I'm pretty sure that once all the other ones are gone, you wont be worrying about your ears babydoll

Righteous and Wicket

Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
I have RAW on spring break
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
raw?
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
rats and walrus;
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
walrus'
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
riots are weird
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
rain and water
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
its Ready And Willing.
Molly Instinct of the Screaming Dimension says:
hehehe
Sarah Grace: When you push on glass, it's bound to break. 22 Days says:
righteous and whicket...


Man oh Man.
I just miss Sarah Boisselle

there there baby it's just textbook stuff; it's in the ABC of growing up.

Why oh WHY is it snowing in March?
This isn't even remotely right.
In any way shape or form.
And it's just supposed to snow more tonight and all day tomorrow.
I just emailed Mrs.Bourke about the jobie meeting tonight.
I'm so stressed out right now.
Stuff with my friends, with jobies.
The only thing that isn't stressing me out is youth group, dangerous, or church.
It's the thing that keeps me sane.
I wouldn't be able to handle all the rest of my problems without it.
And yet it's the thing causing so many problems with Rachel.
I know I spend more time there than with Job's Daughters.
I will always love Jobies, but youth group is just as important to me.
We're allowed to get expanded interests. Why is that a problem?
I'm not ignoring jobies for youth group.
I go to all the jobie events AND all the youth group ones.
They don't get in the way.
As for the God thing, I never asked her to love that I was a christian, just accept it.
I know that I wasn't like this when we were younger, but she wasn't like she is now either.
I'm sorry I've changed, but I like who I've become, I'm proud of myself.
For the first time in sooo long, I like what I am doing with my life, where I am headed.
Rachel has been my best friend for 7 years and that means a lot.
We're different people now, and maybe right now we just don;t mesh well together.
And if it gets to the point where I'm choosing over her and my beliefs, then she's not going to win.
I'll always love her. More than anyone else. She's been there through everything...
but maybe that's not enough. Maybe we're too different now.

In other news...
Next Saturday is Junior Youth Councils.
The people are coming to do live interviews of the teens applying to work at camp.
Eek.
17 days until RAW.
That's a little over two weeks.
Sooo stoked.
Grand sessions for Jobies in 22 days.
Then I get home and it's schooool again.
Grossy.
April is prom though,
and May is History Maker.
June school ends.
Then Summer Vaca!
<33
Can't wait for the next few months!

lovelovelove Chickas and Papa Citos!

Mala

Just close your eyes but keep your mind wide open - Leslie Burke

Saw Bridge to Terabithia tonight with Caitlyn, Morin, and Daryl.
We cried.
Everyone.
Even Morin and Daryl.
Daryl will deny it.
But it's true.

Caitlyn and I also planned our Buffy marathon weekend.
Every five hours (22 hours of episodes) we have to get up and go for a walk.
And other people (ie Dorothy) can come and go during the marathon
but we must be there throughout the entire thing.
Friday we have a meeting at Shawn's house at 7, but Caitlyn said she'll just bring her laptop
so that wont get in our way.

Yeah... we're pathetic.
Awesomely pathetic.





Dear Mommy,

We started out so brand new
But now it seems that nothing can change your mind
I have seen your city lights
But have you seen my country skies

Watch the world go twirling by

And perhaps it's common fears
Or uncommon hearts
That makes us insincere
And torn apart

But when will I learn
Love is just my fantasy disguised
An angel without wings can hardly fly
And love without a dream it will not survive

But now I can see
I am lucky just to have a heart
Discovery will knock you on your knees
And lonely tears can only hope to freeze
Yeah, they'll freeze and fall on down

And so our sun is sinking low
And your spirit's close behind
But there's something you should know now
That you're on my mind

But where are you now
When will you share your winter nights?

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear has punishment. John 4:18

My Upcoming Week

Monday - Shopping for Jobie favours (when I'm not practicing my 8 pages of memory work for
the Tribute Meeting!)

Tuesday - Skating with PE (!!!)
- Volunteer Appreciation Dinner @ Church

Wednesday - Bible Study @ Church

Thursday - Jobies - 3rd meeting and Ethel T Wead Mick Tribute Ceremony

Friday - Dangerous meeting at Shawn's - 7pm (If i don't do this, I WILL forget)

Weekend - Buffy Marathon @ Caitlyn's (not even kidding.)

So I'm not sure quite how I feel right about now.
Full circle was amazing tonight and I'm somewhat looking forward to the next week.
I mean, I have no reason not to... but there's a bunch of stuff pushing me down that I can't quite pinpoint. My life seems to be making sense. I know who I want to be, and where I'm going in life.
At this moment I just wish I knew who I was. I'm usually fairly sure. I know it's been hard lately. With Rachel wanting me to be like I used to, with others wishing I wasn't even here. And me.
I don't know what I've been doing to myself.
It scared me today at full circle when the thought passed through my head
"It'd feel really good right now to just leave all this behind and give in"
It was like an craving to deny God. It scared me so much.
I snapped out of it but I'm not sure what to do about it.
Definitely read my bible.
I didn't even tell Caitlyn, which is usually the first thing I do when stuff like this happens.
But I know she'd just tell me to read my bible anyway, which, duh, I could've figured that one
out on my own.
It's cool that Sherdan's back. I missed that kid a lot.
Things from a few months ago keep popping up.
Like him, and dreams about old friends... and I'm not sure quite what's going on.
It's like I'm aching to move backwards.
But I don't WANT to.
Something does.
But it is definitely not me.
Man I am so scared right now.

Things I Love

This is going to be my official list of things I just love.
Reason to be absolutely grateful for every single thing I have.
So whenever I feel horrible I can pull up this list and remember
why my life is totally worth i.

I'm going to start it off this way

Good Golly [Miss Molly] Drew A Line In The Sand; Jumped Across And Held Your Hand says:
how are we getting to church tomorrow
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
God
Good Golly [Miss Molly] Drew A Line In The Sand; Jumped Across And Held Your Hand says:
He's gonna drive us in his AlmightyMobile?
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I hope so


Because, let's face it, I just love dumb conversations with Caitlyn Spence

■ God and how he's this totally rad force that is with me no matter what. I can totally hate him at times and blame him for everything wrong in my life and he still just loves me like crazy.
Nothing could top that.
■ How people just call Daryl "Darl" all the time now.
■ How Carlye sings on webcam... a lot.
■ Watching 4 hours of Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Caitlyn.
■ How my friends love me so much that if I'm not online for, like, 2 hours, they call to make sure everything's okay.
■ How Michelle totally hates anyone who doesn't love me. No questions asked.
■ My youth group. 'Nuff said.
■ How much Shawn cares. Not just for me, but for every single freaking person he knows. It's pretty much amazing.
■ My hair. I am grateful for my hair. And for Caitlyn. My hair created by Caitlyn.
■ Conversations about nothing with Michelle, Caitlyn and Carlye.
■ Conversations about the bible + tongues with Morin.
■ How Chris has been through so much and he still has so much love left to spread around.
He's a one of a kind superstar.
■ That a person like Mrs.Van is alive. NO KIDDING

More later
I need sleep now.
Ick.
Full school week all over again tomorrow

Man oh man, I just love Caitlyn Spence

Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
what haaappenedd?
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
buhhhhh?
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
well
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
its 12
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I came to your house this morning
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
SERIOUSLY??
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
I knocked and honked!
Good Golly [Miss Molly] <> (dwnstrs) says:
sorry :(
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
it's okay!
Caitlyn and the Illinoisemakers says:
want to come over and watch Buffy?

Prayer for a new beginning

Lord, I pray for Chris.
Let him find what he is looking for.
Let his father see what he is doing to his only son.
Chris has been through so much in his life. He spent his entire childhood in hospitals,
and now he has a real chance at life. Don't let his dad be blinded by his lack of understanding so he cannot give that to him. And please give Chris strength. I know that he has a n amazing amount of it for a 17 year old boy, but he still needs as much as he can get his hands on.
Let him know that he's not alone and that I'm thinking of him. I may get caught up in things and forget about him, but make sure he always knows he is in my prayers.
God, I miss him so much and I'm scared for him. He had to grow up so fast. He never got to be a kid, and now he has everything going for him. He has a girl that loves him more than anything, and he's back at school and has all his friends; all my old ones, looking out for him. Please look out for him too. Now that he's taking the leap to leave his dad's house, to move past at the skeletons in his closet, just let it all work out. Please God, let it be your will that he is kept safe and secure and finally live a life free of all his burdens.