I heard the old man say we need the rain

I'm having one of those moments where I really want to blog something profound, but can't think of anything.

The bookmark in my bible is still in Esther, from back in August. It's not that I haven't read my bible since then, I just haven't had the heart to move it.

At the last holiday camp I had a group of girls who were really interested in the bible.

It was really incredible, and so I asked them what types of bible stories they wanted to hear. With overwhelming vigor, they all agreed that they wanted to hear about WOMEN in the bible. The first woman who popped into my mind was Esther.

When I was growing up, my mom was in Eastern Star. (Relatively, I was in Job's Daughters[technically, I still am] and my dad was in Masons.)

Each of the star points (kind of like "characters") in E.S is represented by a different woman in the bible. There's Adah, Ruth, Martha, Electa and... Esther.

Esther always stood out in my mind. She was so gutsy! Even as a 9 year old, it astounded me how Esther stood up for her faith.

I mean, she had just become Queen, was living a life so dramatically different from the life she once lead, and she not only put her social standing on the line, but her very life. She knew it was nowhere near customary to approach the King, but she did it anyway.

Knowing that it was a HUGE risk to take a stand for her faith, she did it anyway.

I think Esther is pretty revolutionary. And I mean, even for our time.

Realistically, how many people will take a stand for their faith, knowing the consequence could be death?

I think it's safe to say Esther is pretty much one of my heroes.

I can't wait to meet her!

I didn't expect to go on a tangent like that.

GRACE!

Then Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor with you, O king, and if it pleases your majesty, grant me my life—this is my petition. And spare my people—this is my request. For I and my people have been sold for destruction and slaughter and annihilation.

Esther 7:3-4

I know it's not you my dear, it's the nothing that kills.

I'm excited. I'm excited for what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I'm proud (I know, deadly sin) of the work I'll be doing for Jesus. I want to make Him proud of me. And yet, as excited as I am, as completely called as I feel, I just wish sometimes that my family... got me. I have all these passions and a heart that has been completely and utterly set ablaze, and I can't share that with them. I can talk until I'm blue in the face abut non-profit coffee shops and homeless people and Jesus, and they smile and nod and tell me that they are glad I'm happy. But I recognize the face. The slow nod, the head tilt, and the half smile. It's the same face they've been giving me for the past 5 years since my mom died.

And it's killing me, because as much as they say that they're happy for me or "we'll support you, if it's really what you think you want", all I see is the disappointment in their faces. The pity in their voice. Like they think I'm ruined.

And it's not God, that's not what they're afraid of. I come from a family of Catholics and Anglicans (clearly two SEPARATE families) and, to some degree, they get the God thing. But they understood so much more when I wanted to go to some high-scale University and get a journalism degree, or the years when I worked towards becoming a doctor. That's the world they understand.

The look on their face is one of complete disappointment. Not in me, I could handle that. But in themselves. They are disappointed in themselves for who I've become. Like they let me down. It's like they feel that if they'd been there more after she died, I'd be different now. I'd be a doctor, or a journalist. Not someone who enjoys hanging out with the impoverished. Someone with no real plan for her life.

I could handle it if I had simply disappointed them. I can deal with my own failures. But the idea that they think they failed me. It kills me more than I can bear. I wish they knew what a positive impact they had on my upbringing. I'm not broken, I'm not some lesser being. It's not their fault.

I'm trying to think of a way to end this with some sort of finality... but my mind is so blank.

You hit your head and then forgot your name

Lately I feel like I'm standing still. I'm at that point in my life where I want to move, and live and do something notable. And I know that I've done a lot of great things for His kingdom, but sometimes a tiny bit of me wishes that was seen by everyone else, and I know their opinions don't matter... but I wish people could look at me and see success.

I am so excited to move in... 4 days. Wow. Four days. But I'm excited to do something new in my life... to get closer to moving forward.