As The Sparrow

To give life you must take life,
and as our grief falls flat and hollow
upon the billion-blooded sea
I pass upon serious inward-breaking shoals rimmed
with white-legged, white-bellied rotting creatures
lengthily dead and rioting against surrounding scenes.
Dear child, I only did to you what the sparrow
did to you; I am old when it is fashionable to be
young; I cry when it is fashionable to laugh.
I hated you when it would have taken less courage
to love.

Charles Bukowski

On a side note

I missed laughter. It feels good to laugh again.

Still a baby in a cradle gotta take my first fall, but baby's getting nowhere with her back against the wall

Alright, so I fully realize that I've posted about 50 gillion entries tonight... but I have a lot to...uh... muse.
Besides, I'm rocking out to Sara Bareille's album, which can totally bring inspiration out of anybody.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about home. Not the house I live in, but my home. Or your home, or your 3rd grade music teachers home, or Barak Obama's home. The idea of home.
My favourite quote, as most people know, since I bring it up fairly often, is from the movie Garden State.
You know that point in your life when you realize that the house that you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? ... that idea of home is gone ... Maybe that's all family really is; a group of people who miss the same imaginary place.
However, lately, the more I think about it, the more I figure that maybe we have more than one home. The difference between a physical home, a shelter that we reside in, and a more spiritual, emotional home is that a home is a sort of environment... "a valued place offering security and happiness." More than that, though, I think it offers lessons.
I mean, think of the places that, at some point, you've considered your home, before it adjusted and your views of your home changed.
I think the places you do, or at one time did, consider home all have one thing in common. They honed some skill. You learned something. You grew or got hurt and learned to heal or you witnessed a miracle and it still stayed in your heart.
I believe our homes change, not because we relocate, or our parents divorce, or someone new enters our niche. I think they change as we change. I think we grow and learn and polish our character and make the choices on who we want to be. And once that happens, we outgrow our old home, like a crab, and have to search for a new home to learn and grow in.

honey, honey, honey, you're the death of me; won't stop holding my hands down

So I've had plans to go away for awhile lately. To get O-U-T, OUT of Nanaimo, in the hopes that the stress that's causing me to keel over in pain/emotional-strain will subside. And yet, when the option was presented to me, I freaked. It wasn't a very reliable way out, granted, but it was a WAY. I realized then that I didn't want out of here, I love this place. This place saved me. One day, I will move on, I'll be a big girl and go out into the world and travel and fall in love and have my heart broken and do all those other wonderful things... but right now, I just want to get out on my own in the city I know and love with my friends I treasure and take the world with them.

post-script: yeah, yeah, I know... there's more to it. I wouldn't dare keep THAT from you. Something is keeping me here. And as I figure out exactly what that is, you'll be the first to know... As soon as I narrow down what... or rather, who... Furthermore... which who?


♥

Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.
Here's a simplification of everything we're going though
You plus me is bad news
But you're a lovely creation and I like to think that I am too
But my friend said I look better without you.
Tongue tied and twisted, go on baby and go to my head.

Cause it'll change with the season and you'll be the reason why

Every single year since before I can remember, winter has always been that lull between optimisms. I can look back on journal entries from back when I was 13 and it holds true. Winter always meant more drama with friends, more lame depressions over the opposite sex, more negativity towards my mom, my dad, my brother, myself.
Every year, like clockwork, the excitement over a new year subsides, the temperature drops, the snow falls, and for a moment, it's peaceful. As much as December brings forth a lot of pain and regret regarding my mom's wintery death, it also brings a lot of reflection. I can stand out in the snow and feel so clear and fresh, and feel like she's right beside me.
However, after that passes, the chill and the bitterness of the season just seem to stretch on. Winter always seems to drag it's feet. I always lose a bit of my hope that the sun and the warmth will ever return.
But it always does, and this year is no different.
I looked outside today and watched the sun glistening on the pavement. I saw the little girl across the street teaching her brother to ride a tricycle. I saw a shadows cast by appletrees and felt the sun warming my shoulders. And I reflected on my life. Nothing has really changed. Same friends (albeit some new ones), same boys (well, not since I was 13, but you get the gist), same parents (whether they walk with us, or with the J-man), same socially-lacking, sometimes aggravating, wonderful, loving, brother. Same overanalytical, heart-locked-up-in-a-steel-box-with-lots-of-deadbolts me. But everything seems so much less extreme with the sun streaming through the window and sizzling on the streets.
I feel like I never want to leave here. The past few months I've had moments that I've wanted to curl up in a ball and never leave my room, and days when I just want to run away to the furthest corner of the earth. Away from regret and disappointment and guilt and mixed signals.
But now I just want to lie back on warm beaches with my incredible friends laughing and enjoy being young and in God's grace.

ps. For the record, Carlye and I are FAN-FLIPPIN-TASTIC

CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
i have a confession.
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
i enjoy the new miley cyrus song.
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
ohmygoshmetoo.
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
i thought i was the only one
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...over 15
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
me and michelle love it
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahahahaa
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
"the next time we hang out, i will redeem myselffff"
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
"my best friend leslie says she's just being miley"
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...ive never met a leslie
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
...under 45
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahaha
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
and who wasnt a lesbian
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hahahahaha
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
hey, we dont know about leslie
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
except shes ,like, 15
MOLLYZILLA Is The HEMP-NINJAZILLA says:
i wanted to post this in my blog, but i dont want to offend the heterosexual leslie's of the world
CARLYEZILLA *rawr* says:
hahahahahaa