Thursday, April 3, 2008

Time and Confusion

I was reading your blog a few minutes ago and it made me cry.
I'm not sure what kind of tears they were... but they were there.
I wish things were still like that.
Not for me; for you.
You were happy once.
We all were.
I don't want you to hurt anymore.

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Courage

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."
Deuteronomy 31:6

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses. In the sight of God, who gives life to everything, and of Christ Jesus, who while testifying before Pontius Pilate made the good confession, I charge you to keep this command without spot or blame until the appearing of our Lord Jesus Christ, which God will bring about in his own time--God, the blessed and only Ruler, the King of kings and Lord of lords, who alone is immortal and who lives in unapproachable light, whom no one has seen or can see.
1 Timothy 6:12-16

Rather live my life in regret than do this

When I was in grade 8, my best friend since elementary school decided I wasn't worth her time, or anyone else's and I spent the entire year kind of alienated.
About 4 months after my mom died in grade 10, my best friend decided she didn't want to be my friend anymore and I ended up switching schools because being there hurt.
About a year ago, I was having a pretty rough time. My dad was doing the disappearing act again, I'd lost someone who was really important to me for a very long time, and everything felt out of sorts.
I was at bible study one day, and someone sat me down and told me to list 10 good things about my day or my life, and 10 things I liked about myself. She told me that she was always going to be there for me so I'd better be used to it, and she wasnt going to let me be hurt anymore. She made me do that every day for about 2 months. We'd talk every night and every night before I'd go to sleep she'd make me give her my list.
Today I was sitting on that exact same couch curled up in a ball crying, and I made myself list 10 good things in my life. And it was weird, because those 3 times were huge painful time in my life that I always seem to pinpoint right away. My 3 closest friends in life disappearing. But none of those times were as bad as this moment, right now. Or that moment today, on the couch.
I guess none of those people were worth the friendships they at one time had offered.
But this time is different, and I don't know what to do.

Don't give away the end; the only thing that stays mine

I cried for the first time in awhile today. Real crying. Real tears. I cried for myself and for you, and for Ben and for the starving people in Africa and the lonely and the brokenhearted and every single person that has ever felt pain.
I don't exactly know how to describe the way I feel these days. Broken?
My heart actually hurts. It feels like someone is squeezing my chest as tight as they possibly can. I feel like curling up into a tiny ball until I disappear so I can stop... affecting things. The only affects I make are bad ones. It's like I have this little crack in my soul that makes me hurt the people I love the most. Because of the last few years, I really dislike change, and yet I find myself on this warpath to destroy everything and everyone I care about before it... I don't know, spontaneously combusts? I guess it's one of those self preservation things... but it sucks.
I guess I do it so people can't abandon me; so I can't be alone.
Well, and here's the real kicker, now I've never felt more alone in my life... and it's all my fault.


I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live not stopping
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets