But that September sky, how it whispered "I love you".

So I was reading my dear friend Caitlyn Spence's blog, because hers is a perspective I cherish above most others (save Jesus and Reba - from my corps, not McEntire). 
A few posts, she referred back to a posting from that week a few years ago.
I think that sounds like fun... or, again, a good source of perspective. 

monday, april 21, 2008

Boys (le gasp!)

Definitely the theme of the week, or month, or eternity.
Well, I'm definitely taking a break. Like, a complete stall on anything slightly boy-shaped. I was never the one aching for a relationship, for validation in the form of hugs and kisses. It's just not my style. And I've always said that you shouldn't be in a relationship until you're comfortable being alone. When you're feeling like only part of a person, it's usually pretty ridiculous to try and fill that emptiness with another person. So I'm learning to be comfortable alone again, like I used to be, one upon a... 3 months ago. And then if someone incredible comes along, great. And if not, I know that will be okay, too. 

Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
but the next time a guy comes around, i want a normal crush, one that leaves me all giggly and feeling good, not rotten and depressed
Chelle says:
haha i don't ever have one without the other
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
i think as we get older, unless the crushes turn into, i dont know, boyfriends, or mutual feelings, it always just feels rotten
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
cause we get older and it becomes more serious
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
it isnt a meaningless crush anymore
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
everything has meaning
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
...i want to be 12 again
Evangeline says:
Aww, me too. Actually, I want to be 8
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
8 was a bad year for me

sunday, april 22, 2007

So I realized today that I haven't actually posted anything of substance here lately.
Maybe there was just too much to say that I couldn't voice properly.
My like has been going along so well.
That's probably a major lie. My family is a mess. My dad is depressed and there's nothing
I can do. My Opa is being put in a retirement home soon. My dad is having "job issues" and
that's affecting our "financial issues". Now I've never really been a stickler for financial security, but there are some things I just require. Like a phone, my internet connection, a house.
I'm scared. So scared.
I don't know what to do.
I want to get a job, but I'm too busy with jobies until June.
I have all the stupid grad stress of prom and grad fees and PASSING classes and I'm so freaking worried that my little perfect life is going to shatter. Again.
Back when my mom died, I had a stellar life going. Amazing friends, grades, life.
After spending months trying to hide my moms illness, I guess it was a pretty big deal when she up and died. My friends had no idea she was even very sick. They weren't sure how to deal with me, and I wasn't sure what to do either. I went on faking it. I kept everything peachy, but it wasn't. Goodbye friends,goodbye grades,goodbye perfect life.
I'm a completely different person now. My life is amazing, but in a new way.
I'm a much stronger person now, and a lot more levelheaded... but I cant help but worry at the end of all this I'll be right back where I started; Not knowing who I am or where I'm going and feeling completely alone.
I know my friends care about me and I should be telling them what's going on... but I don't want to seem dramatic. Just like in grade 9... I don't want to be brushed off.
All I can see in the future is turmoil, and I just want to hold onto this perfect life forever.

(In reference to 2007)

I can't believe how much has changed since then. I feel like such a dramatically different person, and I thank God each day for that.  I am so excited for the future, and I am blessed that God has taken the fear from my heart, and made me ready to leap forward into the unknown. 
I am so thankful for each and every opportunity, and can't wait to get my life started. 

....and as for the post from one year ago... not much has changed. Michelle and I pretty much have that chat every night at Pipers. 

Waiting, nothing but our beating hearts, going far.

I really miss you.
Really very truly miss you. 
You're so many things, so many people... a feeling, a thought, a moment suspended in time.
You're my best from from grade 9, you're my delicate flower of a mother. 
You're the boy who first stole my heart, and made me believe in true love.
You're the girl I spent hours talking to about everything and nothing (and sometimes still do).
You're the smell of Spring, the glowing Summer sun and the first leaves of Autumn.  

You're rodeos and days at the lake, you're bike rides and carnival food. 
You're everything that has ever made my head soar or my heart burst.
And I miss you.