Michelle says:
i think i'll go tanning again tomorrow
Molhala They prey as wolves among the sheep and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep says:
how long until you're black?
Michelle says:
lol
Michelle says:
who knows
Michelle says:
i have tanlines just from today
Molhala They prey as wolves among the sheep and slit the necks of soldiers while they sleep says:
i need dates, latour. I want an african american best friend.
Michelle says:
lol

Unwinding Cable Car

Emotive unstable, you're like an unwinding cable car
Listening for voices, but it's the choices that make us who we are
Go your own way, even seasons have changed just burn those new leaves over
So self-absorbed you've seemed to ignore the prayers that have already come about

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

Backing away from the problem of pain; you never had a home
You've been misguided, you're hiding in shadows for so very long
Don't you believe that you've been deceived that you're no better than...
The hair in your eyes; it never disguised what you're really thinking of

This is the correlation of salvation and love
Don't drop your arms, I'll guard your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in

You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart
You're so brilliant, don't soon forget
You're so brilliant, grace marked your heart

You're so brilliant
Grace marked your heart
With quiet words I'll lead you in
and out of the dark

Close your eyes and make believe, this is where you want to be

So I'm pretty much waiting with baited breath for the rest of this week. It looks pretty exciting. Tomorrow I get to laze around all day, and they can't even call me in like they did today (and ruined my LAZY), because I get tuesdays off!
Then there's bible study, which makes me stoked on life, obvs.
Wednesday I'm babysitting Katie for the morning and being lazy the REST of the day (unless I get called into work, of course) and Thursday I get an 8 hour CLOSING shift. Oh my life.
I LOVE taking buses at 10pm :)
Friday is picture scavenger hunt, which is exciting (gag) and then it's the weekend.
How time flies when you actually have a life.

I just spent the last 9 million hors talking to Veronica and Chris about, well, everything.
I haven't laughed that hard in SO long and it was amazing. We laughed til we cried and relived hundreds of memories dating back to grade 6 (More V and I than Chris... he just got confused.)
It was a lot of fun, and for a bit, really momentous.

Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
does anyone else find it kind of unreal that the three of us are talking right now?
Veronica says:
yeah
Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
I kind of feel like I'm in grade 10 again
Veronica says:
i know
Molhala Deep inside we both know it, everything's hanging on this moment says:
is this a good bizarre, or a bad bizarre?
.:Chris:. -||- .Si vis pacem, para bellum. -||- says:
I'm surprised V is talking to me :P
Veronica says:
its good.
Veronica says:
very good!! (L)


The truth is, Chris has been friends with BOTH Veronica and I this whole time, but this week is pretty much the first time we've REALLY talked in 3 years. As much s my life has kind of moved on and I'm happy here and I've moved past all of the stuff that went on in grade 10, the fact of the matter is, I moved because of V. I actually switched to a school 2 towns away because of her. I actually couldn't be in the same town if we weren't friends. I guess it was a pretty big deal.
So yeah, us being good friends again? It's really, really... cool.

She's a question without answers

So when I was growing up and I'd be in a bad mood or flustered, my mom would tell me to go scream into a pillow. I'd rarely do it, because at the time she told me, I was cynical and angry and doing the opposite of whatever she said. So today I was stressed and aching and the sorrow in my heart was rising again. I heard a little voice whisper "Couldn't hurt to try, Mols"
so I took a deep breath, sent myself to a secluded spot in the house and screamed all of my anguish and hurt... into a pillow.
I got less tense, my problems seemed really infantile, and I went on with my day... just like that.
Funny how, 3 years after her death, my mom is still teaching me some pretty big lessons.

Everything I think about, makes me feel like a version of myself

So I've had a couple friendships where I stop talking to someone for awhile, but when we talk again, suddenly we're on the same wavelength as before. I used to assume that it was a sign that we're such good friends nothing could tear us apart. But that's not it. It's almost as if people grow together, and as much as you change, whatever connection you once shared never fully goes away. I reconnected with an old friend earlier this week... we were incredibly close at one point in my life; best friends... but a lot happened that changed it. It's funny, really, I can remember when it ended and my dad told me that he was sure we'd be friends again one day, and I told him that it would NEVER happen, that we were sworn enemies for life. At the time it was the biggest deal because it's all I knew of my world. I ended up switching schools directly after that, mostly because of this one friend. But now, none of that seems to matter. Now, I know I suck at holding grudges, but when I search my memory for the main reasons we stopped talking, they really seem ridiculous. I mean, I was 15 and my mom was dead and nothing really made sense.
Back to the friendship thing though, it's almost like we're conditioned to have certain reactions when we see certain people... or act a certain way. I mean, I know for a FACT that I am nowhere near the person I was in grade 10, and she's convinced she isn't either... and yet when we talk it's like nothing's changed.
I think we're conditioned to do or think a lot of things. Like the smell of brownies cooking reminds me of the house I had on Hickey Ave, and the smell of Antibacterial soap reminds me of my moms hospital room, and snow reminds me of my brother and I cross country skiing when I was 6.
Or whenever I peel a mandarin orange, I always feel sad if the peel breaks into 2 or more pieces, because I've been conditioned to believe that's horrible, just from growing up with the "first orange you eat, if the peel comes off in one piece, you get a wish" thing.
I know that everything that has ever been said or done to me has influenced who I am, and I'm okay with that. My mom dying tweaked me a little one way, and my experiences with my dad molded me another. However, as much as those events shaped who I am, I am not those events. I don't want to be defined by my experiences. People do it a lot, not in a negative way, but by describing me as 'strong' because of my mom's death. I do it too, I've learned. Eventually, it just becomes a comfortable habit. It's a lot easier to be those things that figure out who I really am. The truth is, her death didn't make me strong, it made me very very weak. Dealing with that made me strong. Having to react to everything that resulted from her death gave me strength. My mom's death is not me. I am not motherless, I am not fatherless. I am Molly. I am friendly and warm and I have an amazing sense of humor. I am a good friend and I am an evangelist. I am energetic and some times kind of cruel. I am fast to speak and slow to anger. I am good at lifting people up, and sadly, pretty talented at putting them down (though I try not to do that purposely).
But I am not death, I am not despair. I am not tragic or broken.
I am growing and learning and glowing.
Or if I'm not, at least I'm trying.