The World You Love

We're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

I have a ringing in my head
And no one to help me answer it
Even with you close enough to kiss.

Every minute is arranged
Every moment lasts a day
But thinking about it can't help me let go
I know.

Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk
Gotta love how it's somehow all on me
All the petty scenes
And all the pretty things
Say whatever you want
'Cause I can laugh it off.

I must look like I'm running away
To you at your faster pace
I wonder what it is you could have seen
in me.

I'm the evil one who said.
Gonna let everything just happen
Just like my chest, my ears are proud
The collision is such an ugly sound.

All the petty scenes
And all the pretty things
Say whatever you want
'Cause I can laugh it off.

Kill

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will

Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

I can picture your face well
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone

Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away

So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant

I can't help it, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

You're every line, you're every word, you're everythng

I wish I could just take on everyone's sorrow. So that no matter how much pain I would be going through, the one's around me would be at peace. Chris, one of the most important and precious people in my life, is dealing with so much hurt and despair right now and I just want to hold him until I can soak it all out of him. I owe him that much. He was that incredible bright light in my life back when I was a broken, lost 15 year old who couldn't understand why bad things happen. He always found a way to put a smile on my face, and convince me that my mom was safe and warm somewhere and that even though it hurt, he was always going to be there to hold my hand. Well, now he's the broken, lost soul and I honestly don't know if I have it in me to repair him. I'm not him. I was never the strong one. He was my angel, I don't know how to be his.
He asked me tonight why there is never salvation. I instantly burst into tears and tried to reassure him that there is salvation, it's just hard to find sometimes, but I wasn't going to rest until I was sure he'd found it.
I love him so much more than I could ever express.
Lord, bring Chris salvation. Show him hope and let him hear your voice. It was only 3 years ago when I was that small girl hidden in a dark corner and just trying to find a way out. Chris showed me that way out, and it led me to You. Lord, please, let me do that for Chris. Show him that he will NEVER be alone and he CAN find salvation. God, he's so desperate for your love and guidance, he's sending out a serious SOS, and is searching so hard for Your light. Yahweh, Save his soul.

Since way back when we sailed our inhibitions

I love the way that we laugh until we cry
Dance until we die (dance until we die)
I love the smile with which you look at me and say
"Get ready for this"

Charade

So this weekend was pretty intense. It breaks my heart so completely how much we've all been torn apart since the last XLR8. I arrived so broken and was expected them to lift me up and bandage my wounds so I could just go on a little while longer. What I was faced with instead was a group of people whom I love more than anything, the ones I just want to protect from everything impure and awful and painful. My brothers and my sisters in Christ. They were bruised and beaten and... exactly like me. Instead of bandages I got acceptance and... renewal.
I really miss everyone a lot now, but I know that this time, it'll be different. We'll stay close and we'll lift eachother up and away from the things we can't bear. We will hold hands and jump headfirst into life, and know that we're not doing it alone.
Pray for my XLR8 session, for the pain, for the joy, for their renewed spirits and new life and roots and good fruit.
And mine.

This just kept replaying over and over in my head. It just seems to fit, not just my situation, but the situation that I've found we all seem to have in common right now. But, if it's God's will, will hopefully be ending, and this will all be the start of something new and beautiful and holy.

Another day, paints on the face
That they expect to see
It’s not all I want, but it’s all I’ve got
To make this world believe
nothing’s wrong with me

I’m an artist of emotion
A master of deceit
And the many faces I portray
Are nothing at all like me
How I long to be free

From this never ending maze
Oh my head’s in a daze
Every time I think
From this overplayed charade
Oh my heart’s gonna fade
And I can’t go on

It’s a tug of war, each moment
To hide this pain inside
Or to open up and spill this cup
Of feelings that I hide
But what will people do
And what will people say
When they hear the truth will they turn and run away
Will they throw a stone or lend a shoulder to lean on

It’s not fair, I can’t take this anymore
All these tears have drifted me to shore
Is there hope for someone just like me
And I hear a voice inside me say
"I can set you free...

...From this never ending maze
I will be your strength
If you let me lead
So just, take my hand and see
If you follow me
You can be free"