I still remember how much it hurt when I realized you were going to miss my 16th birthday. We'd planned so much for it, but I guess all our late night conversations disappeared when you did. And now, I realize you're going to be missing my 19th birthday, too. It's still so surreal, that I'm having all these experiences and you can't experience them with me. That I'm growing up and you're not here to see it. Whenever I think about it, I always see the same image in my mind. We're walking in front of our old house in youbou and you're smiling and it's raining, but it doesn't matter... I just keep jumping in puddles while you just keep on smiling. And that's when I can't wrap my head around the fact that you're missing all of this. That you're actually not standing there smiling while I grow and screw up and jump in some really big puddles. Because when I think of that smile, it doesn't seem possible that you wouldn't be here forever. But what about life really makes sense anyway.
