My blog posting from exactly TWO years ago

September 12, 2007
So I decided to blog, since I haven't done that in awhile.
I've wanted to, really.. I just haven't really gotten around to it... other things get in the way, and things take a back seat to whatever your top priority is.
But isn't that how it is with everything? With friends, school, family or God?
I can think of dozens of friends who put their friends on a back burner when they get into a new relationship... or ignore school because of parties and the popularity race. Then there's the kids who put everything before their family because they feel that they'll always be there. I'm not playing the guilt game here, I'm just as guilty of that as the next person; trust me, before my mom died, I would often blow her off because it was Veronica's birthday and EVERYONE was going to be there and if I didn't go the entire universe would IMPLODE on itself.
The only difference is, with my mom I kind of did that when she truly needed it. However, I know I have forgiveness and I know that my mom never held that against me, even if I do sometimes.
What about putting other things before God? Now I KNOW everyone I've ever met in my walk with God could be guilty of that... we're "only human" right? We seem to be satisfied with knowing that God will always be there for us. I mean, isn't that what we learned in Sunday School and every week at church? God will always forgive us and he will always be there for us if you just ask him. I know that it sounds like a loophole, "I can screw up as much as I want, I can do what I want, say what I want, live the way I desire, and he'll always be there for me... waiting." Now, that may be true... but the way I see it is, if you truly accept God as your Savior, if you truly love him and are grateful for everything he gives you... wouldn't you WANT to make him happy, make him proud of you, make him scream with joy
"Look! That's my Son, that's my daughter! Aren't they wonderful?"
Yeah, we may only be human... but I think maybe we should strive to be more.

1234 - California sounds nice, but California's a lie.

Hey Mom,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I've always said that I write to you because sometimes it's easier than telling anyone else, since you can't respond, or judge me, and I can no longer break your heart like I used to.
So essentially, that just makes me a coward. But I guess you already knew that. I've always looked for the easy way out.
I don't even know why I'm so upset this time, and yet I can't stop the tears from flowing out of me. I feel like a monster. When I was little and I couldn't get to sleep, you'd take me in your lap and hold me there til I fell asleep. I miss that, Mom. Despite the fact that I'm far too old to need that anymore, I've been yearning for it so much more lately. I just want to curl up in your arms tonight and let the world melt away behind me. Now isn't that the sign of true cowardice? Hiding until it goes away. There's nothing I'd want less than to be 15 again, but I'd do it if it meant I could talk to you for just a little while. Tell you I was scared, or lonely, or angry. I just want you to tell me it's okay to feel this way sometimes. I just want someone to tell me it's okay to be who I am. That's a mom's job right? To tell me that she loves me no matter what?
The ugly truth is, I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need your validation. If you were alive now, I wouldn't want you to tell me it was okay, and that you love me no matter what. Unconditional love is amazing, but I'd want you to love me because you love to love me, not because you have to love me.
I want to be a person you'd want to get to know. And I don't think I'm that person for anyone. Dead or alive.