Immortalized

Ellen-Marie Woodford (nee Bausman)

Green Eyes

MYSTERY Hair

4'10.5

Nail biter

Neat freak

Loves baking cookies/brownies

Hates winter and the color yellow

Loves flowers and the color green

Favorite animal - monkey

Terrible dancer

Always singing

Loves to talk and be with people

Infectious laugh

Can't drive standard

Always smells like lavender

Can make anything rhyme

Always has a story to tell

Hand talker

Major fan of the eskimo kiss

Hates being called "Ellie"

Has a "preterition's" nose

Maker of the best french toast in the continent

5 years.

How can it be 5 years already?

That's a quarter of my life.

Soon, the rest is going to fly by... by the time I'm 31, you'll have been dead for more of my life than you were here with me.

What if soon it's like you never existed at all?

How can it be that you have not been a part of my life for 5 years, and yet you're everything in me.

Heartbreak Warfare

So I'm really joyful these days. Things are going very well. I feel very grounded in my faith, and I love gaining more and more knowledge about my creator every day. It's such a blessing!

I've made some really great friends, I really like my job, and I concretely believe that Marion Houlbrook is the greatest woman alive. She's so sweet and hilarious and compassionate, and I feel like I can talk to her about anything. I am so glad that I've gotten to know her. Also, she knows all the words to "Walk Like An Egyptian".

This next month or so is going to be crazy. On top of work, classes and cell groups, next weekend, I'm going down to Vancouver for the Canadian Youth Workers Convention. The weekend after that is the CHT Banquet in Burnaby, which I'm very excited about. I miss all my friends so much, and it will be great to see everyone again... especially Chelle. She and the Nanaimo youth are staying in a hotel and I have already dibs'd a room with her. (Pathways doesn't really have a strong youth component... yet... so I'm going down as an independent). The weekend AFTER that I'm going to be helping Nicole with the annual christmas toy drive, and shortly after that I'll be back down to Burnaby for Christmas with the fam.

It's a lot of traveling, but I am SO excited for the impending weeks. It's going to be grand. Lately, I've just been working and spending time with the community around me. This weekend we had a Christmas Party for the women of Pathways, and it was a lot of fun. Yesterday I hung around playing videogames with Joel, and last night, Clint, Joel and I did a prayer walk around the downtown - it was freezing, but really great. This weekend is going to be spent babysitting and celebrating Joel's 24th Birthday! ....basically a senior citizen.

But I have to be getting to work, so I'll cut this short.

Grace!

When all the flames came rushing, well, you know that it was beautiful.

I hate being that person. I hate that piece of me. That in a second I go from someone I like to someone who I don't really recognize. Because I don't identify that way, that's not the person I am, but it is a perfect shadow of my insecuritiy... I don't need you to validate myself, but I do it anyway. It's stopping now.

Okay, now with that out of the way.

It's November... how did that happen? I guess I've been in Vernon awhile now. I like it a lot, not that I've seen much of it. Right now I'm stuck at home with a flu, and outside of that there's work and homework and other fun stuff. But the people are great, and my job is excellent, and I really love it.

God works in incredible ways, and I'm seeing that so clearly here.

Hallelujah.

Back to bed pour moi.

Arrivederci

Don't drop your arms; I'll guard your heart

So today was my first full day in Vernon. So far it's looking pretty great. I had the opportunity to hang out with Ethan and Tenaya (Clint's kids) and they really are incredible. Marion is such a kind and wonderful person and I'm really excited to get to know her more. I got to see the foodbank and thrift stores, and tonight Clint took me on a tour of the downtown area. It's strange to think of how every city is so different, and yet they all have so many similarities. All the barren places have the same sort of spirit surrounding them. Maybe it's just some crazy wave of discernment. I'm definitely stoked to get more of a feel for the town. We also took a look around the 24/7 Prayer room, which has been pretty much abandoned for the past few years, which is really heartbreaking. It's really an eerily breathtaking place, and I'm really praying for it to get started up again.

There's a lot more on my mind, spirit and heart, but I'm also very exhausted, and I've got some reading to get caught up on.

GRACE

You're my beloved, lover I'm yours; Death shall not part us, it's you I died for

When I was a kid, I'd come and stay in Vancouver with my mainland relatives for the entire Summer. During one Summer, I remember marching up to my Oma with purpose and saying, "Oma. You're not allowed to die. Never." She pulled me up into her lap and told me that everyone had to go when God called them, and I didn't have to be sad, because it meant that He had a very important job for them to do in Heaven with Him. I digested what she had told me and responded with, "Yeah, but you're needed here. So you're not going to go until I tell Him it's okay." I don't remember, but I think the conversation sort of ended at that point. A few weeks later, back at home, I relayed the conversation back to my mom. I asked her if she was going to stick around like Oma. I remember cuddling up with her on the couch and having her whisper into my hair that no matter what happened, she would never leave me. At the time, I took this as an iron-clad reassurance that I'd have my mommy around forever. A few years later, my mom was on bed rest after a particularly lengthy hospital visit. My Oma was visiting from Vancouver, and I had chosen, at that moment, to take out my confusion and frustration on the world by shouting and refusing to clean my room. For the first time in my entire life, my Oma yelled at me. She scolding me, how dare I be so selfish when my mom was in such pain. Slowly, her shouting became sobbing, and she collapsed on my bedroom floor wondering aloud how God could do this to my mother, pleading about how it wasn't right for a child to die before their mother. She kept repeating, "It's just not right", and I stood there, staring, bewildered. Not only because I was seeing her vulnerable for the first time, but because the words tumbling from her trembling lips didn't make sense to me. My mom wasn't dying. She had promised. She had made a solemn oath to my hair years prior that she would never leave me. Even at 14, knowing that bad things happen, already jaded and knowing that people are flawed and pain is a reality, I still held on to that promise deep in my heart. After she passed away, my heart changed. I grew up and grew into the understanding that when she held me that night and promised to be at my side forever, she meant it with everything inside of her. Because my mom is always with me, everywhere I go. She is that promise in my heart.

I need your strong hands to carry me; Take me, break me, set me free

Alrighty. So I am presently having a chat with an old friend of mine. Cordell is pretty much one of the first people I think of when I think of spiritual giants. Now, the last time I saw Cordell, he was 15 or so... and not the biggest kid in the world (not that I'm one to talk) but his great faith has always astounded me. When I first met him, a little over 2 years ago, in XLR8, nobody really knew much about him. But I learned really quickly that I had met a guy who would be doing some incredible things for the kingdom of God in his lifetime. He was like a walking prophesy. So talking to him lately has been a real blessing. Seeing how much he's grown in the past 2 years (spiritually, emotionally, physically... pretty sure he towers WAY over me now!), and, in comparison, how I've grown.
Anyway, the point of this post was not to talk about how awesome Cordell is... it's about what he and I were discussing. The call for something more. The thought that many of us are sleepwalking. We need a rude awakening. We need some sort of spiritual ice water to get us out of our lulls and do something for the kingdom of God, whatever that looks like in each of our lives. This weekend, for those of us going to SYC, it's a huge opportunity to wake up and smell the redemption. And for those of you who cannot make it (or, aren't Salvo and have no idea what the heck I'm talking about), why not make this weekend an opportunity regardless. You don't need a oceanside camp full of 200 screaming teenagers to do it. But I think it's time we woke up.

ps. Stoked to hang out with you this weekend, Cordell. Now get to bed!

These Ties That Bind Are So Pedestrian

Please attempt a critique. Not sure what I think of it as of yet.

Your eyes are blue, deep blue, like the ocean after a storm

And they shine, an incandescent glow, like the lighthouse, directing great ships home

Well, if you are the ocean, can I be your waves?

And if you are the lighthouse, am I the one that you save?

Because I've been stranded, abandoned, confined here for too long

And the only thing that gets me through is the glimmer, the gleam; your glow

The steady beat of your heart scanning the water; calm and slow

The assurance in each breaker, as the rush, it pulls me deeper.

And all the while, not breaking stride, or casting your eyes

Away from mine, and for that one euphoric moment I

Can feel your love resounding, and for only that split second I

Forget that I am drowning.

And they are blue, deep blue, just like the waves that pull me under

and I can barely catch my breath, and perhaps forget to struggle

Because while I sink beneath the billows and fight through tangled reed

I finally start to realize, you're merely brick and salty sea

And yet for that last eternal second, I can't bear to look abroad

And instead, gaze at your figure, while your lighthouse beams glow on.

God of strength, our weakness shows

Tonight in bible study we were discussing Thirst.

That desire, that deep longing for something more.

How life is this giant search for something of value, though many of us are not sure quite what it is or where to find it. We questioned how exactly we're supposed to recognize the desire if it's always been there. If we were always hungry or thirsty, would we recognize that we need to eat or drink, or do we only recognize it because we know what it's like to have that need satisfied.

I once read a book that presented the idea that we are all seeking out a relationship with God. Christian or not, our soul is constantly pulling us, tugging at our heartstrings, giving us that thirsty feeling. In fact, the Bible says, in Ecclesiasties, that God has set eternity in the hearts of men. Once, centuries ago, we were intimately connected with God. When God created Adam and Eve, he walked with them. Does anyone else find that profound? God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden. They shared a close bond with their God. He was so personified, so present in their lives. However, once sin entered into Adam and Eve's life, it created a barrier between them and God. And it only seemed to worsen with time. Nowadays, God is basically a foreign idea to the majority of the modern world. Once, we walked with God, and now, we merely thirst.

Also discussed tonight was the idea that a lot of people are hesitant to search. Maybe they had a bad experience with Christians in the past, maybe something happened that placed bitterness and resentment in the heart towards God. Maybe they're just afraid to take that leap. I remember being like that. My mom had just died, and it seemed that everywhere I turned, someone was telling me to pray. I didn't understand how a God who loved me would kill off my mother, who was the only real thing holding her delicate family together. My entire world was crashing around me, and I felt completely isolated and alone. And it was all God's fault.

When I tell people my testimony, and how I got saved, I usually leave out the part about how I started that night feeling pretty cynical. It had been exactly one year since my mom had died, and in that time, I had created this intricate shell of anger and emptiness and shame. I remember spending nights cutting, because, although it never helped me forget, it stopped me from thinking clearly enough to be able sort through all my feelings. Because although I was angry and shameful and completely miserable, I felt safe that way. I had fallen into a rhythm, and anything else scared me.

The night I got saved was one of the scariest of my life. Not because I was alone, but because I wasn't. Because I was surrounded by people who cared about me. Because for the first time, I didn't feel completely empty. Because surrounded by people who loved me, and talking to God, I couldn't hide anymore. Hide the fact that I needed a change, needed to face myself and my fears, or I was going to disappear.

It was terrifying, and sometimes it still is. But I wouldn't trade anything in the world for this fear, because nothing was worse than that emptiness.

I don't expect many people to take my word for it, but it's all I really have.

I'm not a great philosopher, I haven't devoured millions of ancient texts.

But come on. let's look at this logically.

C.S Lewis once said "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well there is such a thing as food; a duckling wants to swim; well there is such a thing as water. If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Basically, If you can't seem to find anything to satisfy your deepest earthly desire, maybe it's not a earthly desire after all.

On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.

John 7:37

I heard the old man say we need the rain

I'm having one of those moments where I really want to blog something profound, but can't think of anything.

The bookmark in my bible is still in Esther, from back in August. It's not that I haven't read my bible since then, I just haven't had the heart to move it.

At the last holiday camp I had a group of girls who were really interested in the bible.

It was really incredible, and so I asked them what types of bible stories they wanted to hear. With overwhelming vigor, they all agreed that they wanted to hear about WOMEN in the bible. The first woman who popped into my mind was Esther.

When I was growing up, my mom was in Eastern Star. (Relatively, I was in Job's Daughters[technically, I still am] and my dad was in Masons.)

Each of the star points (kind of like "characters") in E.S is represented by a different woman in the bible. There's Adah, Ruth, Martha, Electa and... Esther.

Esther always stood out in my mind. She was so gutsy! Even as a 9 year old, it astounded me how Esther stood up for her faith.

I mean, she had just become Queen, was living a life so dramatically different from the life she once lead, and she not only put her social standing on the line, but her very life. She knew it was nowhere near customary to approach the King, but she did it anyway.

Knowing that it was a HUGE risk to take a stand for her faith, she did it anyway.

I think Esther is pretty revolutionary. And I mean, even for our time.

Realistically, how many people will take a stand for their faith, knowing the consequence could be death?

I think it's safe to say Esther is pretty much one of my heroes.

I can't wait to meet her!

I didn't expect to go on a tangent like that.

GRACE!

Then Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor with you, O king, and if it pleases your majesty, grant me my life—this is my petition. And spare my people—this is my request. For I and my people have been sold for destruction and slaughter and annihilation.

Esther 7:3-4

I know it's not you my dear, it's the nothing that kills.

I'm excited. I'm excited for what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I'm proud (I know, deadly sin) of the work I'll be doing for Jesus. I want to make Him proud of me. And yet, as excited as I am, as completely called as I feel, I just wish sometimes that my family... got me. I have all these passions and a heart that has been completely and utterly set ablaze, and I can't share that with them. I can talk until I'm blue in the face abut non-profit coffee shops and homeless people and Jesus, and they smile and nod and tell me that they are glad I'm happy. But I recognize the face. The slow nod, the head tilt, and the half smile. It's the same face they've been giving me for the past 5 years since my mom died.

And it's killing me, because as much as they say that they're happy for me or "we'll support you, if it's really what you think you want", all I see is the disappointment in their faces. The pity in their voice. Like they think I'm ruined.

And it's not God, that's not what they're afraid of. I come from a family of Catholics and Anglicans (clearly two SEPARATE families) and, to some degree, they get the God thing. But they understood so much more when I wanted to go to some high-scale University and get a journalism degree, or the years when I worked towards becoming a doctor. That's the world they understand.

The look on their face is one of complete disappointment. Not in me, I could handle that. But in themselves. They are disappointed in themselves for who I've become. Like they let me down. It's like they feel that if they'd been there more after she died, I'd be different now. I'd be a doctor, or a journalist. Not someone who enjoys hanging out with the impoverished. Someone with no real plan for her life.

I could handle it if I had simply disappointed them. I can deal with my own failures. But the idea that they think they failed me. It kills me more than I can bear. I wish they knew what a positive impact they had on my upbringing. I'm not broken, I'm not some lesser being. It's not their fault.

I'm trying to think of a way to end this with some sort of finality... but my mind is so blank.

You hit your head and then forgot your name

Lately I feel like I'm standing still. I'm at that point in my life where I want to move, and live and do something notable. And I know that I've done a lot of great things for His kingdom, but sometimes a tiny bit of me wishes that was seen by everyone else, and I know their opinions don't matter... but I wish people could look at me and see success.

I am so excited to move in... 4 days. Wow. Four days. But I'm excited to do something new in my life... to get closer to moving forward.

My blog posting from exactly TWO years ago

September 12, 2007
So I decided to blog, since I haven't done that in awhile.
I've wanted to, really.. I just haven't really gotten around to it... other things get in the way, and things take a back seat to whatever your top priority is.
But isn't that how it is with everything? With friends, school, family or God?
I can think of dozens of friends who put their friends on a back burner when they get into a new relationship... or ignore school because of parties and the popularity race. Then there's the kids who put everything before their family because they feel that they'll always be there. I'm not playing the guilt game here, I'm just as guilty of that as the next person; trust me, before my mom died, I would often blow her off because it was Veronica's birthday and EVERYONE was going to be there and if I didn't go the entire universe would IMPLODE on itself.
The only difference is, with my mom I kind of did that when she truly needed it. However, I know I have forgiveness and I know that my mom never held that against me, even if I do sometimes.
What about putting other things before God? Now I KNOW everyone I've ever met in my walk with God could be guilty of that... we're "only human" right? We seem to be satisfied with knowing that God will always be there for us. I mean, isn't that what we learned in Sunday School and every week at church? God will always forgive us and he will always be there for us if you just ask him. I know that it sounds like a loophole, "I can screw up as much as I want, I can do what I want, say what I want, live the way I desire, and he'll always be there for me... waiting." Now, that may be true... but the way I see it is, if you truly accept God as your Savior, if you truly love him and are grateful for everything he gives you... wouldn't you WANT to make him happy, make him proud of you, make him scream with joy
"Look! That's my Son, that's my daughter! Aren't they wonderful?"
Yeah, we may only be human... but I think maybe we should strive to be more.

1234 - California sounds nice, but California's a lie.

Hey Mom,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I've always said that I write to you because sometimes it's easier than telling anyone else, since you can't respond, or judge me, and I can no longer break your heart like I used to.
So essentially, that just makes me a coward. But I guess you already knew that. I've always looked for the easy way out.
I don't even know why I'm so upset this time, and yet I can't stop the tears from flowing out of me. I feel like a monster. When I was little and I couldn't get to sleep, you'd take me in your lap and hold me there til I fell asleep. I miss that, Mom. Despite the fact that I'm far too old to need that anymore, I've been yearning for it so much more lately. I just want to curl up in your arms tonight and let the world melt away behind me. Now isn't that the sign of true cowardice? Hiding until it goes away. There's nothing I'd want less than to be 15 again, but I'd do it if it meant I could talk to you for just a little while. Tell you I was scared, or lonely, or angry. I just want you to tell me it's okay to feel this way sometimes. I just want someone to tell me it's okay to be who I am. That's a mom's job right? To tell me that she loves me no matter what?
The ugly truth is, I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need your validation. If you were alive now, I wouldn't want you to tell me it was okay, and that you love me no matter what. Unconditional love is amazing, but I'd want you to love me because you love to love me, not because you have to love me.
I want to be a person you'd want to get to know. And I don't think I'm that person for anyone. Dead or alive.

You've given me more than enough

So, I've kind of been avoiding making an end-of-summer post. Mainly because my life has chnged pretty dramatically. It's bizarre to remember thinking during holiday camps "hmm, this summer is going by far too quickly, and nothing exceptional has happened", because, looking back, so much WAS happening. I was being molded in so many ways that at times I didn't really recognize myself. A lot happened this summer that forced me to rethink who I was, and I thank God for that, because I've been spending the last year or so feeling pretty identity-less.
So, now that 'm forcing myself to think about the entire summer, here's an overview of MY SUMMER
I'm gonna use bulletpoints and everything!

Staff Training
- Pretty much became BFF with Kaitlyn Cramb (we were roommates and both enjoyed going to bed an hour before curfew.)
- God taught me about hard love

VBS wk 1
- Serious VBS team bonding... what with staying in an abandoned church in the middle of nowhere with no plumbing and shoddy electrical.
- Actually spoke about God's desire for a relationship in front of a church full of strangers
- Was taught by a 5 year old all about what God plans for us.

VBS wk 2
- Reconnected with my love Jennifer Cross (VBS '08)
- Thanks to wise words from an 80 yr old woman, took a few more steps in forgiving my father.
- God taught me ALL about patience.

Holiday Camp 1
- Counseled alone for the first time
- Hurricane Gracie came to town (definitely a one-f-a-kind camper)
- Go taught me about all the miracles he can perform if we just have faith.
- First tears of the summer... oh boy
- Sunstroke

Holiday Camp 2
- Counseled alone for the second time?
- Saw the heart of a truly burdened child
- Second batch of tears of the summer
- Flu

Holiday camp 3
- OLDEST GIRLS
- Learned how fulfilling self-sacrificing love can be!
Cried for the 3rd time...?
- Flu x 2

Holiday Camp 4
- Counseled alone for the 3rd.. well, you get the picture
- Learned that counseling alone beside Chelle is a winning duo. We're pretty much unstoppable.

Moms and Tots
- Watched WAY too much LOTR... I blame Michael Touzeau.
- Learned how to be a child again
- Poured my heart out to Pearlanne... what a blessing!
- Fell in love with the lifeguards

VBS wk 3/4
- Rediscovered my servants heart
- Learned even more about patience
- Decided to move to Vernon?


That barely even skims the surface of everything I learned this summer... all the different ways I was changed. Some of it just cannot be put into words, and others, I don't think my words could do it justice.
It's not only the camps that affected me; there were weekends (most of which I spent seriously ill), earning about love, as my friends came to check on me, or just sit with me for hours. Watching LOTR for hours learning about community..
But as much as I'd love to move to Burnaby and be close to my family and friends, one of the biggest things I learned this summer is that I no longer want to be comfortable in my faith. Cushioned by friends and family... I know that community is important, but not so that I'm comfortable in my lukewarm christianity.
So I'm taking the leap. I know that amazing things are happening in Vernon, and God has made it very clear to me that I am to be a part of it. I may be scared senseless, and know exactly 4 people in the area.... but I have the Escamilla's to the north, and Catherine to the south... and one of the biggest things I learned this summer was that I have some incredible friends, and no matter how far away I am, I can depend on them. It's still scary, but I am confident that God's hand is upon me.

My mind is still far too scattered to reminisce, but that post shall show up in due time.

"So today I was thinking about why Mols is my bestfriend. We fight alot and occasionally drive eachother crazy. But even during the worst fights when we didnt talk for months at a time I couldnt let go of our friendship completely. Today I realised why that is. No matter what, she just wants me to be happy. Nothing brings her more joy than when I'm happy or in a situation that will bring me epic amounts of joy. She'll support me through ridiculous crushes or schemes i concoct when my senses take leave/a very long holiday just in case it leads to something incredible for me. I once asked her why she jumps on every Michelle and (fill in the blank) bandwagon and she replied "I'm on the michelle bandwagon."
I've often said that I can't be bestfriends with girls, but Mols is a pretty amazing bestfriend."

-------------------------

Chellebabe, you're my star. Thank you for being you, and making me cry like a big baby. We may not know where our lives are headed, and we may be scared senseless, but it's such a blessing to know that I have the world's greatest best friend. 

So when you say forever, can't you see - you've already captured me

Today was the first day of Mom's and Tots camp. It was pretty slack, which is the norm. A lot of set up and then some sitting. It's a nice change of pace, and a great opportunity for me to get my health up a bit. So far, it's been really fun. I had a great time at moms and tots last year, but this year seems much cooler somehow. Maybe it's the lack of torrential downpour, (last years weather conditions were dreadful.) or the fact that I am comfortable with a lot more people now. I'm sharing a room with Amanda in the staff house (affectionately dubbed "Mandar Humblebee" by moi) which of course, is wonderful. I've like the opportunity to spend time with people I wouldn't normally get a chance to, like Jilly... whom I've missed terribly since she's been on Program Staff (Jilly = my vbs leader last year) and Mike Touz. He got pretty stoked when I told him about my plans to move to Burnaby and going to CHT and such. Apparently I have to leave Tuesdays on my schedule clear. Very suspicious. 

Also, Pearlanne is here this week as a cabin mom, so I'm gonna have a chance to spend time with her. Camp just hasn't been quite the same without her!

Tonight on the phone, Caitlyn asked me what Jesus has been teaching me.  The question scared me quite a bit. Despite the fact that I love being here and love spending time with the people around me, my heart feels so negative. So despite the fact that I talk to Jesus and read my bible everyday, I couldn't think of a single thing in my life that represented Him, everything just feels sour. 

I suppose Jesus is teaching me about love. Not just for those who it is a joy to love, but those who I hate to love. 

There's nothing wrong with living loud

So I'm in a state of refection now. All 4 holiday camps are officially over. 

I still have moms and tots and a week of VBS ahead of me, but the 4 major weeks are behind us all. It's crazy to think of everything that has happened in the past month. The hurdles that were overcome, and the ones that were not. The 600 kids that passed through this camp. All the lives that were impacted... positively, I pray. 

The roughly 170 or so children who made commitments to Christ. 

The tears, the sickness, the endless laughter and memories. The bumps, the bruises and the insane battlescars. This summer changed me far more than I would have ever anticipated. I praise God for sending me here again this year. For every single blessing he has placed in my life. I have never been more thankful than I am here at this moment, or have been in the past few weeks. 

We talk about how camp changes lives. We tell the kids how God changed our lives and brought us here, brought THEM here... but I think sometimes we forget how God is STILL bringing us here not only to change THEIR lives, but so that they can change OURS. 

Yesterday I spent some time looking over my 4 cabin photos, staring into the faces of 33 girls. 33 girls so unique and so perfect in God's eyes. I wrote the names of each girl on the back of the photos and placed them in my bible, as a reminder. A reminder of why I come back here each Summer, a reminder of exactly who the Lord wants us to be. And a reminder of who I am. So this next year, when I stray from the path, as I ultimately do, I can look into the eyes of those 33 girls and remember where exactly my identity lies. 

Soundtrack To Our Summer

Let's just say... I'm really excited for the next week. 

Even in the breaking down, I can hear redemption calling

Today was commitment day.... or, as Caitlyn Spence calls it "Crying Day". 

We broke off into 3 groups during devotions, and I talked to my group of 5 about what it means to ask Jesus into your heart and I talked to them about the different ways he has moved in my life. 

A lot of the girls had a lot of trouble understanding why God allows bad things to happen. Cassie and I stayed up talking to them tonight, trying to explain that he has no control over the bad things that happen, he can only combat them after the fact and try to turn them into blessings. I told them that although it sucked that my mom died, who knows where'd I'd be today if it hadn't happened? Chances are I would not be here with them. I also explained that God sent each of them to this camp for a reason and I thank God every day that they are here. 

I am feeling sensationally blessed right now. 

It is times like these when I feel I could move mountains. 

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my life. I pray that even through all the pain, your whisper reaches these girls' ears. 

Joy of the Redeemed

Feeling a little downhearted tonight. 
Regardless, I know that my God is a powerful, all-sufficient savior, and I have nothing to fear. 
Meditating on Isaiah 35


Joy of the Redeemed

The desert and the parched land will be glad; 
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. 
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; 
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. 
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, 
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; 
they will see the glory of the LORD, 
the splendor of our God.
Strengthen the feeble hands, 
steady the knees that give way;

say to those with fearful hearts, 
"Be strong, do not fear; 
your God will come, 
he will come with vengeance; 
with divine retribution 
he will come to save you."

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened 
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

Then will the lame leap like a deer, 
and the mute tongue shout for joy. 
Water will gush forth in the wilderness 
and streams in the desert.

The burning sand will become a pool, 
the thirsty ground bubbling springs. 
In the haunts where jackals once lay, 
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there; 
it will be called the Way of Holiness. 
The unclean will not journey on it; 
it will be for those who walk in that Way; 
wicked fools will not go about on it. [a]

No lion will be there, 
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it; 
they will not be found there. 
But only the redeemed will walk there,

and the ransomed of the LORD will return. 
They will enter Zion with singing; 
everlasting joy will crown their heads. 
Gladness and joy will overtake them, 
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.


Glory be to God. For even in the darkness, Your light is a beacon of strength.

Sunrise/Sunset

I really love my cabin this week. They're great girls, although misguided, and I love getting to know them more. 

Sometimes they're a challenge, but they're also really sweet and I'm really excited about life. 

I'm still really stressed out and worrying about a lot of aspects of my life, but I'm also really grateful for the incredible people God has blessed me with and this beautiful camp. As I sit here, I can look out across the entire field. There are kids swimming, Kylee and Shania are racing, Fir cabin is dancing, Birch is writing a skit. There are kids on the swings, boys playing tag, girls doing handstands. 

I can't believe the summer season here ends in 2 and a half weeks. I may be staying for some Fall camps, but it's just not quite the same. 

There's something magical about this place, there's no denying it. 

At the end of each week, Touz gives the kids a speech that this camp is amazing, but its just a camp. That we're here for them and the magic comes from them and God. It's true. 9 months out of the year, this is just a place, but for 3 months in the Summer, it's this incredible oasis for kids and adults. It stands for so much; happiness, belonging, comfort, love.  But it's so much a God thing. It's everything God stands for.  Sunrise = love. God = LOVE. 

I guess that's all for now. I'm just feeling so ridiculously thankful right now. 

Praise the Lord!

Independent Woman

So I have realized I rarely blog anymore... although, I am usually far too exhausted or lacking in an internet connection. However, despite my fatigue, I decided tonight was an excellent time. I'm counseling oldest girls this week. I've been petitioning for it for awhile, and I'm so thankful that Touz made it happen. This particular group of girls who were in my SECOND oldest cabin last year havw really been on my heart all year, and now I finally have the chance to influence their lives positively. I truly believe that the work we do in all these kids lives throughout the summer is vital, but the oldest kids are at such a crucial stage in their lives, and this is our last real chance with them. They're all really incredible girls this week, and it's been a great first day. We discussed how they're role models and how they don't need boys to be happy, and we just talked for an hour about how they were created in the image of God. That they are exactly who God dreamed them to be. We discussed society's definition of the "perfect" girl, and what THEY think the perfect girl should be. Not big breasted and super skinny without her own opinions, but an athletic, charismatic, intelligent, compassionate, independent, strong woman. It was really inspirational... I'm also really proud of the oldest boys this week as well... at the end of campfire, we get held back and Touz talks with the two eldest cabins for a bit, and they're really mature and impressive this week as well. HALLELUJAH! Now I must rest. End this perfect day as is.

Grace Through Faith

So it is now my second full day with my current cabin of campers. 

Last week was an experience. I had the chance to once again counsel Gracie, and it seems she gets worse every year. Punching other kids, screaming at us til she loses her voice, stealing an entire bowl of parmesan cheese and then proceeding to eat it with her face... and yet, she never failed to tell me she loved me. She has had a terrible life, and we’re told that the week she spends at camp is when she’s happiest all year. She may be a handful, but she was also always entertaining, and even though I was worn thin counseling her on my own, I never felt under-appreciated by her.
This week is an entirely different story.
A group of 10 year old girls who refuse to respect me, who are rude and arrogant, and never seem to get the idea of loving one another. And I know enough to know that it is most likely because that type of love has never been shown to them, but I’m finding it increasingly hard to show them Christ’s love when they are constantly disrespectful towards me, and definitely towards eachother.
Lord, give me strength, and the right words to say.
On an entirely positive note, devotions this week are incredible. Last week the girls just couldn’t sit through it, and were consistently misunderstanding the message Celeigha and I were trying to get across. Simply not the case this week.
They were asking questions, understanding the bible lessons, and even moreso, they were excited to learn more about God. The highlight so far was definitely when a little girl named Madison said to me, “but how do you know God is talking to you?” and when I explained that the little voice inside their head that tells then what to do or what may not be a great idea, it was recieved by a groupwide “OHHH!”.  Or the girls getting REALLY excited about the idea of God watching over them, loving them, and knowing them before they were born. It made their night, and it DEWFINITELY made mine!
It’s time that those that make me cherish my job and thank God for placing this opportunity in my life... I just wish they weren’t so few and far between.
GRACE!
Molly

Dear Lord

I pray that my life may become what lips cannot say in a song of adoration.

The Becoming

"There's this person in my head.
She is brilliant, capable.
She's me, only so much better.
Today was a good day.
Maybe even a great day.
Even when it was hard.
I was the 'me' inside my head.
There was a moment when I thought, I can't do this.
I can't do this alone.
But I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it.
And I did, I blocked out the fear and I did it."

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis

My Backyard

So now I'm branded for taking the fall

Painted skies; I've seen so many that cannot compare to your ocean eyes.

We write to patch things up; maybe not to agree but to proclaim love

So, today because of interesting circumstances, I had to look back to a time a couple Summers ago. I made a pretty big mistake. Despite the fact that the past remains unchanged, and that I understand that it was 3 years ago and I was a very different person then, I am still sorry. I'll make no apologies for the person I was then; I was barely 17, dealing with a constantly vacant father, a recently dead grandmother, and a lot of other teenage dramatics. It wasn't a good Summer by anyone's account, but I'd still like to apologize to anyone I may have hurt. I was different then; different from who I am now, and who I was prior to that.
Like, I said, I don't regret who I was or the errors I made in judgment, but I do feel sorry for anyone I may have hurt.

I'm probably going to delete this entry in a few days, so enjoy it while you can.

What I am meditating on today

So... we were created by God.
He made us to be like Him. There were angels with no bodies, and animals with no spirit, and then there's us. Humans with both. He created us and we were good. He loved us and he gave us freedom to choose whether to love him back or not.
Have you ever been in love? Have you ever loved someone and had them break your heart or asked someone to love you and they simply said no and walked away?
In Genesis it says, "And the LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart." God has a heart. Each day we break his heart. He loves us and every day we say no and walk away.
In the beginning of it all, we as humans chose disconnection. We chose disobedience to God, we believed the lie that a life without God would bring greater fulfillment.
God made the world out of chaos, he pulled all the fragmented bits together and made our world; trees, rocks, animals, humans... and we had that connection, that oneness with God. We were once connected to God, but now we spend time trying to fuse back what is severed... we search for ways to find that oneness again... A good example is of music... if you go to a concert, and everyone is singing and waving their arms to the same rhythm, you feel it... or if you make a connection with another person who is unlike you in every other way except the fact that they are human, you feel it.
Because we were all created in God's image, but over time we've separated because of all our differences. Black, white. Rich, poor. Jew, Gentile. So now we START OUT different, and are working towards being blind to the differences again... just like we started. We're fixing what we broke. We are learning to love the way God intended. We are trying to create a world less chaotic.

Sex God

So, there's a certain book that I've been wanting to read for awhile. I think Rob Bell has a really engaging way of speaking, and it really comes out in his writing. So today I went out and purchase "Sex God". It basically just pinpoints all the ways sexuality and spirituality are connected. At one point in the book, Rob Bell is talking about Jacob. How he pretended to be his brother, Esau, in order to get his inheritance. How he then had to flee for his life before Esau killed him. When Jacob reaches a "certain location", as the Bible says, God speaks to him. Back then, everyone believed that God only spoke in temples or other holy places... not in "certain locations".. God will speak to you anywhere, anytime. Jacob places a stone altar there, to commemorate that connection he first made with God.

"Imagine you're one of Jacob's kids; you have just arrived in this new land, and there's a stone pillar there that your dad can't stop talking about. He's telling anyone who will listen this story about something that happened to him years ago, and he's stacking rocks on top of rocks. 
What if you asked, "Dad, what's the big deal? They're just rocks"
I imagine Jacob would respond, "Yes, you're right. They're rocks. But they're more than rocks. You have to understand. I was on the run and thought my brother was going to kill me. My life was over. And God saved me. And God brought me to a new home. And I had food to eat and a place to sleep and eventually God gave me a family. These aren't just rocks. They are a symbol of life for me. God came through for me."

I've never been sure how to explain my devotion to God to the people in my life that simple do not understand, until I read that section of the book. And after sharing that sentiment, through the supposed eyes of Jacob, I don't feel like any words are necessary. 
It goes on.. 

"We do this all the time. If I were to go through your garage or storage shelves or sock drawer. I guarantee we would find the strangest thing. I have a trophy from when I was fourteen. The little man fell of some time in the 90's, the lettering that says what it was for has faded, and the years have revealed that, shockingly, that isn't real marble. 

But I've kept it.
I haven't thrown it away because it's more than a trophy to me. That trophy is the first I actually won something on my own. It represents a certain period of my life and the struggles of being fourteen and finding my identity and wondering if I'd ever be good at something.
It's a trophy, but it's more than a trophy. 
Jewelry, pictures, sculptures made by children, antiques that have been in the family for years, art projects, souvenirs, velvet paintings - we hold on to them because they point beyond themselves. If we were to ask you about a certain picture and why you have it displayed in such a prominent place in your home, or why you carry it around in your pocket or wallet everywhere you go, you'd probably respond by talking about the people in the picture, where it was taken, when it was taken. But that would only be the start. Those relationships and that places and that time represent something more. Something much bigger.  If we kept exploring, you'd probably end up using words like trust and love and belonging and commitment and celebration. 
So it's a picture, but it's more than a picture.
The physical thing - this picture, trophy, artifact, gift - is actually about that relationship, that truth, that reality, that moment in time. 
This is actually about that. 

Whether it's what we do with our energies

or how we feel about our bodies

or wanting to have the control in relationships

or trying to recover from heartbreak

or dealing with ferocious appetites

or the difficulty of communicating clearly with those we love

or longing for something or someone better,

much of life is someway connected with sexuality. 

And when we begin to sort through all the issues surrounding our sexuality, we quickly end up in the spiritual. 

because this

is always about that.

...

Something deeper. Something behind it all. You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God.

Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where one is, you will always find the other. This is a book about how sexuality is the "this" and spirituality is the "that". To make sense of the one, we have to explore the other.

And that; is what this book is about. "


Like how Jacob somehow led to sex.
Weird. 
This and that.
Oy vay. 

I adore Christopher Michael Bridge

Quote: "I’ve been frustrated the past while.

I believe it started when I got back from the therapist. I don’t think she helped. Actually, I felt more patronized and aggravated then before.

She speaks of being content with the person you are in the now. I speak of enjoying the now, and working towards the future. She becomes frustrated, because working towards a personality-driven goal instigates pursuit of the ideal self. I don’t see the harm in liking the person you are, but holding the idealized self as a goal you never intend to reach.

If I could be my idealized self, I would be able to shoot laser beams from my palms and become the hero of humanity, and probably not waste my time in a therapist's office."

Chris, have I ever told you you are incredible?

Cavoli Riscaldati

So, recently, a  friend extremely dear to my heart and I were talking on the phone, and got onto the topic of re-cooked cabbage.  

You see, the term "cavoli riscaldati",  is used by Italians to describe reviving old relationships.
 They believe the concept is similar to reheated cabbage because the result of such a culinary effort is usually unworkable, messy and distasteful. In short, they're saying that nothing is ever the same the second time around. It's hard to start something up once it has ended. 
This is usually referring to old flames, but I believe it applies to all relationships. When someone has been hurt, or something has occured to damage the bond you once shared, it is near impossible to salvage the leftover bits. 
Well, I can't really help but see a whole lot of re-cooked cabbage in my life right about now. 

The Covenant

In Your gospels You speak of hope
Of surrender and supplication.
But my only sacrifice as of late
is of Your sustenance, that I dismiss as fate.
My soul deflates and my heart it waits
For a sign, for your subtle whisper
To sooth my sorrowed soul with it's sweet song.
For your able hands to lift me high above the ruins
of my shattered, scrambled self
Open my eyes, My sufficient, reverent Savior.
I'm straining my ears, holding back tears
listening for that calm, tranquil voice, giving me the choice
To start fighting, or resume falling
Into the darkness and out of Your arms.
In Your gospels You speak of hope.

Mahala Sarah Woodford

Blues for sister someone

"The key to being successful is what we give up. Sleep, friends, a normal life. We sacrifice it all for one amazing moment. There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile. 

Then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice. 

And then there are the sacrifices that you cant even figure out why you're making.
A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. 

What he meant, is nothing comes without a price. 

So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. 

Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, 

and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. 

Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, 

when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. 

When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around,

 that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

We are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise

I love this city.
I know that 6 months ago, amidst the clouds and snow and emptiness, I hated this city.
Every few months I hate this city. 
But in the sunshine, listening to birds and watching little ladies walk their dogs, or driving out to the really sketchy part of town where you can put your car in neutral and the magnetic force can pull your car up a hill... or going out for Vietmanese food with Nik, and accidentally causing a few cans of fancy scottish "irn bru" to explode everywhere.
I love going to the lagoon at 3am with my friends (and being chased by cougars) and having dinner at Mrs Ritchies with my daddy. 
But for some reason I'm moving to a province where I don't know anyone. A cold, snowy province with no lagoon, or freaky magnetic military base, and no Pho A Dong's... (home of the most delicious spring rolls EVER).
I'm just going to be alone again. 

How can I catch up when I don't want to?

Last night, every single verse I turned to in my bible was about hope.

Drew a line into the sand, jumped across and held your hand

I am really excited about the future. Like, really really. 
I know that I've mentioned this before, but I'm not sure if I've REALLY mentioned how much the future excites me. I have never felt this way before. The future has always been the enemy. This dark cloaked thing that loomed ahead of me. I am so excited about this new, fresh canvas spread out before me... everything seems to limitless. I am so excited to spend my life singing and dancing and speak for the Lord. What a blessing it is! 
It's scary, infinitely so; a new place with new people, none of which I actually know.... but I cannot WAIT. I mean, how lucky am I? To spend a summer with people whom I love, kids I adore beyong belief, telling them that Jesus lived, died, and CAME BACK for US. To move across the country and continue doing it. What a blessing! Praise Jesus. 

But that September sky, how it whispered "I love you".

So I was reading my dear friend Caitlyn Spence's blog, because hers is a perspective I cherish above most others (save Jesus and Reba - from my corps, not McEntire). 
A few posts, she referred back to a posting from that week a few years ago.
I think that sounds like fun... or, again, a good source of perspective. 

monday, april 21, 2008

Boys (le gasp!)

Definitely the theme of the week, or month, or eternity.
Well, I'm definitely taking a break. Like, a complete stall on anything slightly boy-shaped. I was never the one aching for a relationship, for validation in the form of hugs and kisses. It's just not my style. And I've always said that you shouldn't be in a relationship until you're comfortable being alone. When you're feeling like only part of a person, it's usually pretty ridiculous to try and fill that emptiness with another person. So I'm learning to be comfortable alone again, like I used to be, one upon a... 3 months ago. And then if someone incredible comes along, great. And if not, I know that will be okay, too. 

Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
but the next time a guy comes around, i want a normal crush, one that leaves me all giggly and feeling good, not rotten and depressed
Chelle says:
haha i don't ever have one without the other
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
i think as we get older, unless the crushes turn into, i dont know, boyfriends, or mutual feelings, it always just feels rotten
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
cause we get older and it becomes more serious
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
it isnt a meaningless crush anymore
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
everything has meaning
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
...i want to be 12 again
Evangeline says:
Aww, me too. Actually, I want to be 8
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
8 was a bad year for me

sunday, april 22, 2007

So I realized today that I haven't actually posted anything of substance here lately.
Maybe there was just too much to say that I couldn't voice properly.
My like has been going along so well.
That's probably a major lie. My family is a mess. My dad is depressed and there's nothing
I can do. My Opa is being put in a retirement home soon. My dad is having "job issues" and
that's affecting our "financial issues". Now I've never really been a stickler for financial security, but there are some things I just require. Like a phone, my internet connection, a house.
I'm scared. So scared.
I don't know what to do.
I want to get a job, but I'm too busy with jobies until June.
I have all the stupid grad stress of prom and grad fees and PASSING classes and I'm so freaking worried that my little perfect life is going to shatter. Again.
Back when my mom died, I had a stellar life going. Amazing friends, grades, life.
After spending months trying to hide my moms illness, I guess it was a pretty big deal when she up and died. My friends had no idea she was even very sick. They weren't sure how to deal with me, and I wasn't sure what to do either. I went on faking it. I kept everything peachy, but it wasn't. Goodbye friends,goodbye grades,goodbye perfect life.
I'm a completely different person now. My life is amazing, but in a new way.
I'm a much stronger person now, and a lot more levelheaded... but I cant help but worry at the end of all this I'll be right back where I started; Not knowing who I am or where I'm going and feeling completely alone.
I know my friends care about me and I should be telling them what's going on... but I don't want to seem dramatic. Just like in grade 9... I don't want to be brushed off.
All I can see in the future is turmoil, and I just want to hold onto this perfect life forever.

(In reference to 2007)

I can't believe how much has changed since then. I feel like such a dramatically different person, and I thank God each day for that.  I am so excited for the future, and I am blessed that God has taken the fear from my heart, and made me ready to leap forward into the unknown. 
I am so thankful for each and every opportunity, and can't wait to get my life started. 

....and as for the post from one year ago... not much has changed. Michelle and I pretty much have that chat every night at Pipers. 

Waiting, nothing but our beating hearts, going far.

I really miss you.
Really very truly miss you. 
You're so many things, so many people... a feeling, a thought, a moment suspended in time.
You're my best from from grade 9, you're my delicate flower of a mother. 
You're the boy who first stole my heart, and made me believe in true love.
You're the girl I spent hours talking to about everything and nothing (and sometimes still do).
You're the smell of Spring, the glowing Summer sun and the first leaves of Autumn.  

You're rodeos and days at the lake, you're bike rides and carnival food. 
You're everything that has ever made my head soar or my heart burst.
And I miss you. 

Tyler makes another "witty" Oompa Loompa joke

Tyler

easters coming up so I will understand if youre not at church tomorrow, the chocolate factory must be insane right now

work,work,work

2:21amMolly

haha

d-bag 

2:21amTyler

lol

2:21amMolly

but I actually wont be there tomorrow... its heartbreaking, really

2:22amTyler

I understand

2:22amMolly

haha

2:22amTyler

just remember this

2:22amMolly

why am I friends with you again?

2:22amTyler

I have no clue

but I really should sleep now

2:23amMolly

what am I remembering?

2:23amTyler

oh right

2:23amMolly

hahaha

2:24amTyler

you will be making thousands of children happy due to your hard work aiding the easter bunny at his job as well

so dont feel so bad about not going to church

2:24amMolly

you're a bad person

haha

2:24amTyler

no way

2:24amMolly

i love you, though

and one day maybe I'll remember why

2:25amTyler

lol