Beauty in the broken places

So going to Qualicum today was pretty bizarre.
But now I've decided not to let it be.
I mean, I don't know what I was scared of before I went there.
The only highlights were seeing Shannon, who I see a lot,
Ms.Butts, who totally remembered who I was (grade 8 science teacher/mom's friend); not pleased to hear the unfortunate events regarding said mother, Chelsey... even if it was only for a short moment... and Michelle. That one was def. a big moment.
We went to the Coombs market and out of nowhere a beautiful chicky leaps over a fence and screams "MOLLY!" then we hugged and squealed for awhile... until she said "I should probably go back to work" (she saw me and ran out of there pretty quickly).
Katelyn got into the habit of telling all my old friends "I'm her new best friend", which made me giggle a little. It was a good day and we had a yummy lunch and bought cute things from little shops.
All in all it was pretty positive and not at all scary.
But to be fair, I am still VERY tired and not feeling overly chipper, so I should probably rest before my busy day tomorrow.
Adios chickas and papa citos

Carried to the table

Wounded and forsaken
I was shattered by the fall
Broken and forgotten
Feeling lost and all alone
Summoned by the King
Into the Master’s courts
Lifted by the Savior
And cradled in His arms

So, I feel pretty blessed right now.
I mean, even if things don't always go my way 100% of the time, I know that the Father is always looking out for me. Now I know that when I have my huge talks with Shawn, he feels like it's going right over me... I just need to absorb it, I think. However, my talk with him yesterday while we were watching Emma during swimming lessons really set in my heart.
We were discussing some of the bad things that are going on with people I love very deeply and I asked him if he believed that it was spiritual warfare and his answer really penetrated my thoughts.

I was carried to the table
Seated where I don’t belong
Carried to the table
Swept away by His love
And I don’t see my brokenness anymore
When I’m seated at the table of the Lord
I’m carried to the table
The table of the Lord

He said
"So you're asking me if I think it is Satan that is doing all these things. Well, what I want to know is 'why are you giving him so much credit?' I like to believe that Jesus knows what is going on in our lives and knows what is going to happen to each and every one of his children. I believe that MY Savior may bring upon some sort of pain or unpleasant circumstance if He believes that it will help out in the long run. Maybe the sicknesses at camp were to send kids home early because there was an earthquake coming, or maybe something was happening at home that one child needed to be there for. What we don't see is the big picture that God can see. The pharisees may have thought that THEY were winning when they nailed Jesus to the cross. Satan may have believed that he was winning when your mother died or when all those kids got sick at camp. What the pharisees didn't see, what Satan didn't see, was the salvation Jesus' death gave each and every man woman and child. He didn't see the way you were saved through the loss of your mother, the friends and family you gained.
Why wont you give YOUR God more credit?"

Fighting thoughts of fear
And wondering why He called my name
Am I good enough to share this cup
This world has left me lame
Even in my weakness
The Savior called my name
In His Holy presence
I’m healed and unashamed

I am known for my words of not fearing death and not fearing the future, because I trust God to guide me through it just as he guided me so many times before. My problem is fearing him to make my choices right now. I love and trust my Savior... so long as he doesn't plan anything for me that I don't want him to. I've been battling with Him for weeks to change his mind about what he wants of me, because, to tell you the truth, I'd rather not take that path.
Yet I know that I will end up following his wishes, because in the end, He is the one true being that will always be there for me. He is the one I can rely on and confide in, when no one else is there. And yet, lately, he's the last one I turn to, because I'm scared to hear his inevitable answer to my inevitable question.
But the thing is, as scared as I am to do the things I know I'm about to do, I'll do them because I'm only hurting myself by waiting around for things that may never happen.
I have been shown the amazing differences that I can make and I have seen the way that I can do God's will. The trick is doing it.
So God, this is all for you.
I'm done making excuses.
Like a lame character from the office that I don't even particularly like once said
"There are always a million reasons not to do something."

You carried me, My God
You carried me

School Spirit

Caitlyn: When I say Welly, you say what! Welly!
Carlye: What!

Molly: Carlye, we went to ND, not Wellington..

Carlyr: Not anymore though; I can cheer for whoever I want now.

The end of fear is where we begin

Okay, so I guess this Australia thing is pretty definite now.
We have it all planned out, and we've told enough of our friends that if it falls through, they'll never let it go.

Aussie Aussie Aussie (Oi Oi Oi?)

Okay so,
as far as weather, this has been a pretty pathetic summer.
But as far as altogether summerfun-ness goes, this summer has been amazing.
This weekend with Lisa was pretty great and I love living with the Spence's.
Michelle comes home tomorrow and I can't wait to hang out with her and talk about her beloved Trekkie for hours outside.
Also, Carlye and I have decided to study abroad. In Australia.
Now, it's not like we haven't always wanted to be there, and I know part of this has to do with brainwashing by Andy Mac (since all the schools we looked into [ie. the War College in Adelaide or the Training College in Melbourne] were shot down because they're too far away from Brisbane) but we both have always hated Winter (seriously. We hide out in our houses until the snow melts) and there's 300 days of sunshine. We get that in 3 years, maybe. If we're lucky.
Anyway, we finally settled on Shafston College in Brisbane. It's amazing! The rooms are called Mansions (and the name fits), you get your own kitchen, the classes are small, they provide you with jobs (13 - 20 dollars an hour) to help earn money... oh, and did I mention it's in Australia.
Carlye's parents are up to it, and since I'm lacking in the parental dept, so are mine, I guess.
It'd be crazy if this actually happened... but I'm still excited.

There's no map for this, on your horizon some will not set

I'm listening to Luke Nielsen right now and just kind of vegging out. I am so tired so I'm feeling pretty frusterated and short tempered, which is very much not like me, and I don't like it. I wish my heart was more at ease so I could actually attempt rest.
I just feel so uneasy and just... crappy, and it's not just because I am overtired.
About a week ago I had a talk outside with Caitlyn (well she talked, I got talked at) about how I have a community here that's waiting to be here for me and help me, I just have to ask them for help and I can't hide anymore or try to help myself. I took it with a heavy heart and I've been thinking about it a lot. But I have this thing, where I hear people's words, but am not sure whether they're genuine or not. So whenever I was about to tell Caitlyn what was going I'd stop myself and tell myself that she didn't really care or it wasn't really important. That I wasn't really important.
I always feel like I'll be that kid who got misplaced by everyone. My mom left me, my brother left me, my dad left me. Everyone who I associated growing up with "unconditional love" just abandoned me. Now I know that's not true. And yet, the little 15 year old who just lost her mother who still resides inside me somewhere believes it with everything she has.
So last night I finally broke and realized I couldn't take it anymore.
I asked Caitlyn (and I guess Carlye and Lisa, too, since they were in the room) if it was too late to ask for help. So we talked and I cried and I got mad at everyone who ever did me wrong in life. I ended up feeling a bit better. So why is my soul still so downcast. I realize that the problems don't just go away overnightl I know that better than anyone, but I only feel worse now.
Ugh, sometimes I just wish I knew what I was.