There's no map for this, on your horizon some will not set

I'm listening to Luke Nielsen right now and just kind of vegging out. I am so tired so I'm feeling pretty frusterated and short tempered, which is very much not like me, and I don't like it. I wish my heart was more at ease so I could actually attempt rest.
I just feel so uneasy and just... crappy, and it's not just because I am overtired.
About a week ago I had a talk outside with Caitlyn (well she talked, I got talked at) about how I have a community here that's waiting to be here for me and help me, I just have to ask them for help and I can't hide anymore or try to help myself. I took it with a heavy heart and I've been thinking about it a lot. But I have this thing, where I hear people's words, but am not sure whether they're genuine or not. So whenever I was about to tell Caitlyn what was going I'd stop myself and tell myself that she didn't really care or it wasn't really important. That I wasn't really important.
I always feel like I'll be that kid who got misplaced by everyone. My mom left me, my brother left me, my dad left me. Everyone who I associated growing up with "unconditional love" just abandoned me. Now I know that's not true. And yet, the little 15 year old who just lost her mother who still resides inside me somewhere believes it with everything she has.
So last night I finally broke and realized I couldn't take it anymore.
I asked Caitlyn (and I guess Carlye and Lisa, too, since they were in the room) if it was too late to ask for help. So we talked and I cried and I got mad at everyone who ever did me wrong in life. I ended up feeling a bit better. So why is my soul still so downcast. I realize that the problems don't just go away overnightl I know that better than anyone, but I only feel worse now.
Ugh, sometimes I just wish I knew what I was.