I never wanted us to end up like this

Things I Have Learned This Weekend:

-Leading 80 kids between 4 and 12 for 7 hours (singing, screaming, jumping) on only 4 hrs sleep is difficult, but not impossible.

- Little kids from Campbell river are truly adorable

- blue paint does wash out of hair, but not clothes

- brown paint somewhat stains the skin

- there is such thing as too much pizza intake

- never give an already hyper 9 year old a can of coke (ie. Melissa Perry)

- there is nothing I love more than just sitting in a quiet corner with a 6 year old who is scared of
blow up whales

- today was perfect. This is how I want to spend my life.

Our lips were cold as clay, we couldn't speak anyway

I feel so crappy.
Like there's a knife of despair in my gut.

Wow.
That was really... uh, emolicious?

Anyway,
today pretty much sucked.
Except PE... that was fairly rad.
We had to dance.. horrible dances.
Afterwards Sarah's like
"They took my groove! My groove is gone! It aint NEVER comin back!"

But the rest of the day sucked.
Hopefully I'll have a good weekend.
I'm determined.
Maybe I'll be too busy to even think about being depressed.
Yeah. That'll work.

dumb dumb dumb

When I lost faith
You believed in me
When I stumbled
You were right there
For every act of love you've done
I owe you one

You know... I really hate Joey from dawson's creek.
Seriously. That guy loved her so completely and
yet she always just screwed around. He'd give her amazing
ultimatums and she never appreciated it. He told her to leave
and be with Pacey, who is a total asshole, because he knew
it would make her happier at the time... she's a fickle jerk.
Then she goes off and ends up with Pacey AGAIN during the season finale.
6 seasons of being totally in love with her, even when he's living a completely different life and she STILL just walks away.
That JERK.
She KNOWS the rules of TV romance. The two highschool sweethearts have to end up together. Tapanga knew it. Did she let us down during the last episode? Oh no she did not. And Kelly Kapowski knew it.
And all the couples from Beverly Hills 90210.
Who does Katie Holmes think she is?
I am going to write her a VERY dissatisfied email.

...that is all.

When will you say 'it's not so easy for me'

I miss my brother soooo much.
I miss talking to him and making fun of him
or visa versa.
I just want my brother back.

!*Zombie Jesus*!:	we only started going to church because I wanted to
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i thought you hated church
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	it was when i was 6 i didn't know anything i just wanted to go to church

Mahala-Sarah// T:	and i remember mom prayed with me
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	mom was religious.
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i know
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	It was your choice to accept God back into your life... But don't forget that it wasn't for dad you probably wouldn't have ever been doing or believing what you are now
Mahala-Sarah// T:	i know that
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	you may have a lot of anger towards him but he introduced you to an amazing family with the jobies
Mahala-Sarah// T:	TECHNICALLY that was aunty jean
Mahala-Sarah// T:	but i know that
Mahala-Sarah// T:	and dad brought me to nanaimo too
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	well technically it wouldn't have happened without the masons
!*Zombie Jesus*!:	mom, dad, you and I may all find our spirituality in different ways and at different times, but we will always be together even if we arent physically together

People I just love more than life

You guys means the absolute world to me, even if I don't always show it.

Rachel Nicole Ireland
Camille Jewel Lorenz
Carlye Marie Morris
Jessica Carmen Alexander
Mary Marie Alexander
Caitlyn Theresa Spence
Christopher Michael Bridge
Michelle Latour
Taryn Scammell
Deanna Pulak
Benjamin Christopher Bergen
Katelyn Taylor Bledsoe
Tiffany Bonner
Daryl Knapp
Joshua Reno
Marc Johnathan Morin
Tiana Marie Levac
Keeley Mowatt
Jennifer Chadwick
Michael Anderson
Michelle Stefani
Camilla Arnold
Tiah Gaetz
Deanna Rae Scammell
Paul McIntre
[edit] Sasja Towe

ummm.... yeah
this is getting long.
Finish it laaater

Spiritual Gifts Test

Decided to take it againnnnn

Apostle:	20
Prophecy:	20
Evangelism:	21
Pastor:	23
Teaching:	22
Music:	21
Exhortation:	20
Wisdom:	16
Knowledge:	20
Service:	19
Miracles:	18
Leadership:	19
Administration:	17
Giving:	17
Mercy:	21
Discernment:	21
Faith:	18
Hospitality:	18
Craftsmanship:	13
Intercession:	18
Healing:	17
Missions:	20

Swimming... and drowning?

Life can often seem like swimming in the ocean during high tide.
Even if we know how to swim and jump over the big waves at just the right time,
when we least expect it - wham! We are broadsided, and find ourselves spinning
and bouncing off the bottom of the ocean with a mouth full of sand. If we fight,
it takes longer to get to the surface. But if we float with the current, we come right to the top.
Floating when we are frightened is difficult.
It takes trust and concentration.
I guess dealing with the death of my mom is similar. In order to cope, it takes trust.
The sooner I learn to float - to trust - the easier it is to discover the answers I'm seeking.

Everything will be alright; If you just stay tonight

I want someone to have a solution.
I want someone to tell me what to do.
To tell me how to fix this.
To tell me how to make it all go away.
I want someone to walk up to me tomorrow and say "here, drink this glass of water and you
wont miss your mom, and your dad will love you and you wont be scared anymore."
I don't want to be scared anymore.

It's that time of year; Leave all your hopelessness' aside

I'm not sure why I defend him to everyone.
The same excuses he throws at me that I brush off
are the ones I spew to everyone else.
I feel so selfish or overdramatic to admit how hurt I am most of the time.
I can cry about my moms death (finally) but I can't tell my dad, or anyone else,
how much he's really hurt me.
Everyone knows he screwed up, and everyone knows I'm always mad at him.
No one knows how sad I am.
How unwanted I feel that he doesn't even remember my birthday,
or important dates, or promises he's made to me.
He can't even find the time to come to ONE of my jobie meetings.
He went on at my installation about how proud he is of me.
What a fraud.
He hasn't seen a single one of my meetings in 3 years.
He doesn't know which classes I have, what I want to do after school,
or that I'm scared to death to do my testimony in front of groups of total strangers.
More than that, in front of people I know. My best friends. There are things not even they know. And the entire thing would be news to him.
He tells me he loves me or that he's proud of me, but he knows nothing about me.
He doesn't even take the time to be interested in my life.
I feel so unwanted.
Like there's something wrong with me... like I'm doing something horrible to make him
so unable to pay attention to me.
I have all these dumb problems that I can talk to everyone about.
Problems with friends and school... but the way I deal with those is because of him.
It's like I need extra attention or love because he makes me feel so rejected.
I know Shawn tells me a lot that even if my real dad isn't around, I always
have my heavenly father. And I know that. I have no doubt.
I still need my EARTHLY dad around.I wish I didn't have to rely on him, but
I do. I'm pretty much stuck with him until I'm 18... and I don't want to leave as soon as I'm able. I don't want it to end like this. He's the only family I have. I don't stay in touch much with
my family on the mainland and my brother abandoned me and started a new life halfway across the country as fast as he could.
My dad, ironically, is all I have.
They always say your parents love you no matter what.
But mine will never care about me, no matter what I do.

If you're not trembling you better be

My WEEK(S)

Wednesday 7th - Curling with PE;
Bible Study

Friday 9th - Manhunt @ youthgroup

Saturday 10th - Junior Youth Council;
Camp staff interviews (eep);
Spaghetti Dinner w/ Jobies

Sunday 11th - Church (duh)
First Dangerous [Teen Devotional] {eep x2)
Rachel and Molly's (Un)Birthday (we made it up a couple years ago
to see if people noticed if we got up during birthday announcements at Jobies
...seven months before our actual birthday.

Sunday 18th-21st - RAW in Vancouver (ROAAAADTRIP)

Wednesday 21st-25th - Grand Sessions in Prince George (12 Hour Roadtrip... in a party bus!
Yeeeaaaah Kaitie, Emily, Kourtney, Mina and Nikki

So... pretty excited.

LOVE (In the eternal words of Michelle Latour "YUCK"!)

I know what I want...

I want the Romeo and Juliet, Cory and Tapanga, Eric and Donna, Zack and Kelly, Buffy and Angel, Dawson and Joey, Ryan and Marissa, Clark and Lana kind of love.

The made for TV kind.
The kind you know has to last forever.
Because it's TV.
(Unless you happen to: be a vampire + 1 soul who can never be with the only one you'll ever love; have died in a car fire; have moved suddenly to Africa; be Superman and be too pig headed to tell the girl you love your secret and be forced to marry some gross busybody reporter; or be part of some horrible plot twist [ie. Joey ending up with Pacey, srsly, WTF mate?])

The point is..
they were all destined to be together.
There was never any doubt.
I want that.
I don't want happily ever after
I just want forever.

Still learning thing I oughta know now.

Weekend was ah-maze-eng.
Went to Shawns and had a rad meeting.
I cried at a point, and Emma came and sat with me and kept giving me stuffed animals to make me feel better.
Sweetest little girl ever.
Shawn's like "I think she likes you"
Then Caitlyn, Daryl and I went to Caitlyns and started the Buffy extravaganza.
It was rad.
He eventually went home and Caitlyn and I ended up getting through about 30 or so hours... (we watched some ones we'd already seen... just to see Buffy and Angel "SOOO IN LOVE" )
It's become a total obsession.
It's not even right.
I went to school today and felt totally paranoid the whole time.
It's taken over my life.
I think I need a break.
...but watching the "Angel" spinoff doesn't count.

..especially the episodes when Buffy makes an appearance and they're SOOO IN LOVE