It's that time of year; Leave all your hopelessness' aside

I'm not sure why I defend him to everyone.
The same excuses he throws at me that I brush off
are the ones I spew to everyone else.
I feel so selfish or overdramatic to admit how hurt I am most of the time.
I can cry about my moms death (finally) but I can't tell my dad, or anyone else,
how much he's really hurt me.
Everyone knows he screwed up, and everyone knows I'm always mad at him.
No one knows how sad I am.
How unwanted I feel that he doesn't even remember my birthday,
or important dates, or promises he's made to me.
He can't even find the time to come to ONE of my jobie meetings.
He went on at my installation about how proud he is of me.
What a fraud.
He hasn't seen a single one of my meetings in 3 years.
He doesn't know which classes I have, what I want to do after school,
or that I'm scared to death to do my testimony in front of groups of total strangers.
More than that, in front of people I know. My best friends. There are things not even they know. And the entire thing would be news to him.
He tells me he loves me or that he's proud of me, but he knows nothing about me.
He doesn't even take the time to be interested in my life.
I feel so unwanted.
Like there's something wrong with me... like I'm doing something horrible to make him
so unable to pay attention to me.
I have all these dumb problems that I can talk to everyone about.
Problems with friends and school... but the way I deal with those is because of him.
It's like I need extra attention or love because he makes me feel so rejected.
I know Shawn tells me a lot that even if my real dad isn't around, I always
have my heavenly father. And I know that. I have no doubt.
I still need my EARTHLY dad around.I wish I didn't have to rely on him, but
I do. I'm pretty much stuck with him until I'm 18... and I don't want to leave as soon as I'm able. I don't want it to end like this. He's the only family I have. I don't stay in touch much with
my family on the mainland and my brother abandoned me and started a new life halfway across the country as fast as he could.
My dad, ironically, is all I have.
They always say your parents love you no matter what.
But mine will never care about me, no matter what I do.