I'm awake in the infinite cold but you sing to me over and over again

Sometimes I wonder if you're looking down on me.
If you see how I've grown, what I've learned and the stupid, stupid mistakes I've made.
Sometimes I convince myself that it's just a dream... a long, painful, pitiful dream, but I never wake up. Sometimes I can't believe it happened. That it's all still happening. It's never going to stop, is it? I'm going to keep living out your death. Everything that happened and has happened since and will happen in the future is a continuation of your untimely end. Sometimes I wish people understood, that they could FEEL how bizarre this entire thing is.
It's like for your entire life, for fifteen years, you're one person, and you know that person, you've master being that person, living that life, sometimes you even LIKED that person, and then one day it all changes and there's no going back. Sometimes I wonder if I could have done something differently. I wasn't just a kid, I think that was my favourite excuse at the time; it wasn't happening, that doesn't happen to me, it happens to other people... I'm only a kid.
But I could have told you to go to the doctor, I could have nursed you back to health, I could have at the very LEAST, held your hand in the hospital. Instead, I stayed home curled up in a ball under my covers and waited for it to end. I prayed for it to end.
It ended, you ended. My life as I knew it ended. Be careful what you wish for.
It's not that my life now is so painfully unbearable, it isn't. I'm lucky for what I have and what I've learn and for my stupid, stupid mistakes... but that doesn't mean I can't miss you sometimes. It doesn't mean I can't squeeze my eyes shut tight and pretend you're still here... for at least a little while.
Vangi told me that she knows you'd be proud of me, and that you loved me and still love me. I know that, I KNOW I was your little girl and I know that Jacob and I were your entire world, but the more I think about how much you loved me, the more I ache for that love. I yearn for you to physically be sitting beside me and hugging me. To hold my hand and hold me when I cry.
I miss you so much Mom.
But I'm not going to think of the rest of my life as living out your death, but maybe a continuation of your life.
I'll try to make you proud Mommy.
I'll try to stay your little girl.