Amazing as it is

Amazing grace how sweet the sound

So I've been thinking a lot about how lucky I am to truly be alive.
To be perfectly honest, the odds were against me. I mean, I was always a good kid, but after everything that happened with my mom I became completely self-destructive. I didn't care what I was doing to myself, as long as it was ME that was controlling it, not some outside force. When I stopped eating and just exercised more, it was something I could physically see happening. I got skinnier, I was small and meek. I liked being able to curl up and feel like I was invisible, like what was happening around me wasn't happening TO me. I liked feeling weak; ironically, it gave me a strange sort of power.

That saves a wretch like me

This destructiveness, it's happened more than once. Last summer I had different priorities than I should have. I was so wounded by what my dad was doing, I denied my Heavenly Father, and sought out ways to take my mind off... life. I messed up so many relationships at that point... and stirred up a few I shouldn't have. Oddly enough, at the same time, I made some really good friends, too. Like they could sense my pain.
I'm not saying I was a bad person at that time, but I didn't stick to my iron-clad morals as much as I would have liked. It's something I've always taken some pride in; (I know, deadly sin) my ability to wave off peer pressure and stick to my morals. I've always been so sure about what I am and am not okay with. Last summer, I started doubting myself a lot.

I once was lost but now I'm found

Back to the basics though. I am so blessed to still be around. I would have just wasted away if God hadn't carried me here to Nanaimo, and I truly believe he carried me. I was too weak to do it on my own. I mean, if it hadn't been for so many influential people in my life, like Carlye, Caitlyn or Michelle, I would most definitely not be around anymore
Without Carlye introducing me to the church, I would have just turned to something else completely, but now I have that network that I know will always keep me grounded. Caitlyn's kept my spirituality strong because despite her own doubts, she never lets it waiver her lessons to others. I couldn't ask for a better roommate. Michelle was the only person I told about everything going on with my dad, or things at school or... anything. She gave me the simple task of every day telling her 10 things I enjoyed about my day, and knowing that she truly cared about my well being.. it was breathtaking.
Most of all though, I thank God every single day for His phenomenal grace. Now I know there are people out there who have it a lot worse. I've always somewhat had God in my life, thanks to my mom, but I'm hardly perfect, and the fact that He still loves me and is holding my hand makes this journey all the more worthwhile.
I grieve for my friends, the ones I see going through pain that I went though... things I never saw as damaging when I was surrounded by them make me nauseous now.
Thank you Lord for keeping myself and all my friends and family safe. Please just bless them with clear minds and common sense. Thank you so much for blessing me with such a sensational group of friends and congregation that care for everyone so much. Wash away all our fear and doubts and replace them with unyielding mercy and overflowing holiness.
Keep me steadfast and always living for You.

Was blind but now I see