Scary stuff.
Tomorrow is also Kate's birthday party, which is pretty exciting.
I cannot believe we are all turning eighteen.
So this might be a little strange, but I'm going to write the rest of this to my mom, because I feel like I have to.
So Mom, I guess if I truly believe what I told Caitlyn last night that I believe, then you
know what's going on. If that's true, then I guess... well... I guess nothing really changes.
I wish I could talk to you Mom. You know, just pick up the phone and talk to you every once and awhile, like I do with Oma. I remember right after you died I kept having those dreams where I'd have long conversations with you telling me you were alive and fine and you'd keep calling my name and telling me to come outside so you could prove it; you were never very kind in those dreams. I'd wake up and truly believe you were there... I'd wake out the french doors that separated my bedroom and the diningroom... and it would be empty. Sometimes it would take me a good 20 minutes to convince myself you really were dead. That was a really scary time.
Then later on I had those dreams where I'd just sit talking to you about life and you'd give me answers to my problems; it was great. I'd wake up and be happy... but still pretty bummed that I couldn't stay in that dream forever.
I don't dream about you anymore, maybe because I don't notice your absence as much; I barely notice Dad's, and it's only been 2 months. I've gotten pretty good at adjusting, eh Mom? If I believed in past lives, I could have 3easily been a military brat... or maybe just a kid with Pastors for parents.
This wasn't meant to lead into this, Mom; I swear. I just wanted to thank you for leaving me with some fraction of a memory of you... the silly things, like singing campfire songs while we did the dishes, or dancing around the livingroom to Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat and The Sound of Music. I miss times like that every day. I don't regret my past, but it still causes me pain to look back. I'm happy with my life and so grateful that I've gotten this far... but it doesn't mean I don't miss you every day.
I know sometimes you doubted yourself, Mommy. But never doubt the impact you made on me. Never feel less than extraordinary for the lessons you taught me and for being the most amazing woman I ever knew. I still find it hard to believe that you're not alive anymore, but I feel honoured to know that I got to spend time with you, even if it was only for 15 years.
Those years hold so many memories that it feels like an entirely separate lifetime... and it is the one that I will always cherish above all.
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