Why is it that snow always reminds me of my mom?
My mom hated winter. She'd usually just sleep the entire season away.. or try to.
If you've spent enough time around me you'd know that I have spent the last few weeks boycotting snow, yet as I was walking around during the snowstorm last month in the quad, I felt so at peace. It's so quiet in the snow. The noises of the highway and the kids inside get muffled. I felt like I was living inside a snowglobe, with all the snowflakes whirling around me.
I was writing my testimony last week and I realized when I read it over that I left out alot of things. I feel as if they aren't my stories to tell. Things about my dad, or my mom... I have a feeling that if I don't tell the stories I'm being dishonest; after all, that is sort of the idea of a testimony. The whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I think I don't want speak about it because I haven't gotten comfortable with it yet. I know that it's not about comfort... but...With my mom's death, it's all relative. I can spew out information without any thought, it's just an autonomy thing now. "My mom is dead" "she died 2 years ago from hep c" "the doctors fucked around with her so much that it finally killed her".... well, maybe not the latter...Yet when it comes to the other little things, I just... can't.I'm only able to write about it now because my aunt urged me. She told me I can't pretend it didn't happen.My dad claims that my mom's family is angry because they coudln't accept that she was sick... she hid it from them. And it's true... but they did know. They knew more than he did. At least they can admit that she was unhappy. My dad refuses to accept that my mom was in pain way before the disease got ahold of her. When she started treatment, it just accelerated. She would always either sleep or cry, just like in the winter. She didn't have that sparkle in her eyes, just a blank barren look.
Everyone always has the same comments: your mom was so happy and always smiling; your mom was always so cheery; your mom was sooo cute. Kaitie told me while we were working last week that before she got initiated with Brittany, my mom sat downstairs with them and kept them company while the rest of us were in the meeting. She said that my mom make them feel so welcome that they weren't as scared to meet all these girls 4 years older that they barely knew.I'm not saying that my mom wasn't all of those things. She was tiny and bubbley and kind and had an infectious laugh... and I loved her. I loved to just spend quality time with her singing and dancing while we cleaned the house. It was those other times; the winters, the time before she passed away, those are the times I would like to forget.The times that make me wonder now, why she was so unhappy with us....and why she didn't hold on a little longer.I want to know why she gave up on us.I want to know if we gave up on her first.