Blasts from the past?

20th July, 2006. 1:40 pm.

I don't know what to do about my dad today.
I talked to Shawn about it. 
That's why I have God, he told me.. he's the father that never messes up.

I was talking to my brother last night, and I buest into tears.
I told him everything. 
About how I hated him for leaving, for never staying in touch with me.. for leaving me when I didn't have anyone.
He told me our family is there for me... but he doesn't see how they've changed.
How Oma looks at me differently now... 
Mom died, and then he left.
It's like when she died, so did he.
I lost both of them.
Dad and I, we're not a family.
I just want a real family.
I don't want his broken promises or his lies.. I want security.

I hate him.
I hate them both.
I hate everyone for doing this to me.
Although, after seeing my friend's families, I feel kind of lucky, that for the first 15 years of my life, I had a great mom.
The kind who would make you hot chocolate when you got home from school in winter,
or help you with your spelling words.
The kind that cut the crust off your sandwiches and baked.
The kind that kissed you goodnight every night.
I miss the christmas' as a family
or the summers at the lake.
I miss the type of mom that when you had strep throat and couldn't go trick or treating, bought a huge thing of candy, made you dress up, and go door to door in your house and get candy.
It was corny, but the best Halloween ever.
And then less then two months later she was dead.
The type of mom that when asked if she was afraid to die, sid that she had faith that God would take her up to Heaven.
She'd lost everything, but she still had her faith.
Why would she be the one to die, in a world of horrible people?

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2nd August, 2006. 3:41 am.

Happy Birthday Dad, Wherever you are.

4th August, 2006. 4:33 pm.

I waited for you last night.
I waited 6 hours.
I wasn't surprised you didn't come home, but I cried for an hour anyway.
I waited. I had a present for you. 
I've been saving up for it... money doesn't exactly exist in this house.
No one can tell me that "he's trying his best" or "just have faith in him" EVER again.
I only have faith in my God.
Everyone leaves.
I can trust myself.. I can take CARE of myself.
I've had that strength forever.
Maybe it was from everyone saying "oh Molly, you're so strong"
I thought, better not disappoint them.
I waited, and prayed that he'd be there in the morning.
It's just like when I was little, and my parents wouldn't be home EXACTLY when they said they would be. I'd complain to my brother but he'd just tell me to goto bed and they'd be there in the morning.
And they always would be.
We have to move tomorrow, nothing is packed, we have nowhere to live.
We're being kicked out and he doesn't even come home.
He thinks that if he can hide away that life will just disappear, his problems will just disappear. I'll disappear.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I should.
I'm tired of the landlords screaming at ME everyday.
The sick thing is, I miss him.
I just want him to come home so I can cry to him and he can comfort me into false sense of security. Then he'll leave again, as fast as he returned.
But that's better than this.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of what is going to happen tomorrow.
I'm homeless and parentless.
And I'm so scared.

I love looking backwards at who I was compared to who I am now.
To see the little miracles that have taken place in my life.
Hallelujah!