Okay, so in XLR8 we read this book called "Renovation of the Heart". It was a controversial book, to be sure... half of the people hated it, 3 or 4 of us loved it... Jennifer Cross didn't even end up writing her essay until the second day in Chiliwack, and she still hadn't even read the book (I'm outing you, Jen!).
When I read the book, I took notes. It was during Christmas vacation, and I sat in the guest room at my aunts house with the book and my prayer journal and I took notes on everything. At the end of each chapter, it had all these "Steps to Renovation", like meditating on certain scripture, and committing yourself to being a psalm 1 person, rather than a Romans 1 person. Rules, basically. Which is, I suppose, why the book was such a controversy. I don't think it was the intention of the author to make it look like we had to do these things to become Holy. I just think he saw it as one of those "Well, it definitely couldn't hurt" things. I highly doubt the man was convinced he was God or anything.
The point is, this weekend I've spent a lot of time talking to Vangi. And not just ridiculous talking about being in love with Patrick Dempsey, or videos I may or may not have of her bum from XLR8's past that I can blackmail her with. We really talked, which we haven't done since... honestly, I have trouble believing we have REALLY talked in over a year. I told her about things I'm scared of, about my relationship with Jesus. All my lies about how Jesus and I are close, just because I read my bible every day and do devotions and pray for my loved ones. Because I haven't talked to Jesus in ages. And I can blame that on anything I want. I can say it's because our group of friends have changed. I can say it's because Caitlyn Spence moved to Vancouver, or our youth pastor abandoned us, or I didn't have anyone to keep me accountable. But none of that has anything to do with it. I'm sure it doesn't help, but those are just excuses. I'm not close with Jesus because other things HAVE become more important. I can say Jesus is first in my life, but if He was, I wouldn't be having this problem. And I'm scared that the reason I can't pinpoint the thing that is coming between us is because there are too many things.
Anyway, in the book, one of the "Steps to Renovation" was to write a letter to Jesus.
So that's what I'm going to do. That's what I have to do.
I used to write letters to my mom a lot. Probably once a month I'd write to my mom and fill her in on my life, and my hurt, and the secrets that were killing me to keep inside. When she was alive, I used to tell my mom everything.
It used to make me feel better, to think that my mom saw what I was writing, and that she knew what was going on. That years after she died, she still could "know" me.
I want Jesus to know me again.
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