These Ties That Bind Are So Pedestrian

Please attempt a critique. Not sure what I think of it as of yet.

Your eyes are blue, deep blue, like the ocean after a storm

And they shine, an incandescent glow, like the lighthouse, directing great ships home

Well, if you are the ocean, can I be your waves?

And if you are the lighthouse, am I the one that you save?

Because I've been stranded, abandoned, confined here for too long

And the only thing that gets me through is the glimmer, the gleam; your glow

The steady beat of your heart scanning the water; calm and slow

The assurance in each breaker, as the rush, it pulls me deeper.

And all the while, not breaking stride, or casting your eyes

Away from mine, and for that one euphoric moment I

Can feel your love resounding, and for only that split second I

Forget that I am drowning.

And they are blue, deep blue, just like the waves that pull me under

and I can barely catch my breath, and perhaps forget to struggle

Because while I sink beneath the billows and fight through tangled reed

I finally start to realize, you're merely brick and salty sea

And yet for that last eternal second, I can't bear to look abroad

And instead, gaze at your figure, while your lighthouse beams glow on.

God of strength, our weakness shows

Tonight in bible study we were discussing Thirst.

That desire, that deep longing for something more.

How life is this giant search for something of value, though many of us are not sure quite what it is or where to find it. We questioned how exactly we're supposed to recognize the desire if it's always been there. If we were always hungry or thirsty, would we recognize that we need to eat or drink, or do we only recognize it because we know what it's like to have that need satisfied.

I once read a book that presented the idea that we are all seeking out a relationship with God. Christian or not, our soul is constantly pulling us, tugging at our heartstrings, giving us that thirsty feeling. In fact, the Bible says, in Ecclesiasties, that God has set eternity in the hearts of men. Once, centuries ago, we were intimately connected with God. When God created Adam and Eve, he walked with them. Does anyone else find that profound? God walked with Adam and Eve in the garden. They shared a close bond with their God. He was so personified, so present in their lives. However, once sin entered into Adam and Eve's life, it created a barrier between them and God. And it only seemed to worsen with time. Nowadays, God is basically a foreign idea to the majority of the modern world. Once, we walked with God, and now, we merely thirst.

Also discussed tonight was the idea that a lot of people are hesitant to search. Maybe they had a bad experience with Christians in the past, maybe something happened that placed bitterness and resentment in the heart towards God. Maybe they're just afraid to take that leap. I remember being like that. My mom had just died, and it seemed that everywhere I turned, someone was telling me to pray. I didn't understand how a God who loved me would kill off my mother, who was the only real thing holding her delicate family together. My entire world was crashing around me, and I felt completely isolated and alone. And it was all God's fault.

When I tell people my testimony, and how I got saved, I usually leave out the part about how I started that night feeling pretty cynical. It had been exactly one year since my mom had died, and in that time, I had created this intricate shell of anger and emptiness and shame. I remember spending nights cutting, because, although it never helped me forget, it stopped me from thinking clearly enough to be able sort through all my feelings. Because although I was angry and shameful and completely miserable, I felt safe that way. I had fallen into a rhythm, and anything else scared me.

The night I got saved was one of the scariest of my life. Not because I was alone, but because I wasn't. Because I was surrounded by people who cared about me. Because for the first time, I didn't feel completely empty. Because surrounded by people who loved me, and talking to God, I couldn't hide anymore. Hide the fact that I needed a change, needed to face myself and my fears, or I was going to disappear.

It was terrifying, and sometimes it still is. But I wouldn't trade anything in the world for this fear, because nothing was worse than that emptiness.

I don't expect many people to take my word for it, but it's all I really have.

I'm not a great philosopher, I haven't devoured millions of ancient texts.

But come on. let's look at this logically.

C.S Lewis once said "Creatures are not born with desires unless satisfaction for those desires exists. A baby feels hunger; well there is such a thing as food; a duckling wants to swim; well there is such a thing as water. If I find myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."

Basically, If you can't seem to find anything to satisfy your deepest earthly desire, maybe it's not a earthly desire after all.

On the last and greatest day of the Feast, Jesus stood and said in a loud voice, "If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink.

John 7:37

I heard the old man say we need the rain

I'm having one of those moments where I really want to blog something profound, but can't think of anything.

The bookmark in my bible is still in Esther, from back in August. It's not that I haven't read my bible since then, I just haven't had the heart to move it.

At the last holiday camp I had a group of girls who were really interested in the bible.

It was really incredible, and so I asked them what types of bible stories they wanted to hear. With overwhelming vigor, they all agreed that they wanted to hear about WOMEN in the bible. The first woman who popped into my mind was Esther.

When I was growing up, my mom was in Eastern Star. (Relatively, I was in Job's Daughters[technically, I still am] and my dad was in Masons.)

Each of the star points (kind of like "characters") in E.S is represented by a different woman in the bible. There's Adah, Ruth, Martha, Electa and... Esther.

Esther always stood out in my mind. She was so gutsy! Even as a 9 year old, it astounded me how Esther stood up for her faith.

I mean, she had just become Queen, was living a life so dramatically different from the life she once lead, and she not only put her social standing on the line, but her very life. She knew it was nowhere near customary to approach the King, but she did it anyway.

Knowing that it was a HUGE risk to take a stand for her faith, she did it anyway.

I think Esther is pretty revolutionary. And I mean, even for our time.

Realistically, how many people will take a stand for their faith, knowing the consequence could be death?

I think it's safe to say Esther is pretty much one of my heroes.

I can't wait to meet her!

I didn't expect to go on a tangent like that.

GRACE!

Then Queen Esther answered, "If I have found favor with you, O king, and if it pleases your majesty, grant me my life—this is my petition. And spare my people—this is my request. For I and my people have been sold for destruction and slaughter and annihilation.

Esther 7:3-4

I know it's not you my dear, it's the nothing that kills.

I'm excited. I'm excited for what I'm doing and where I'm going.

I'm proud (I know, deadly sin) of the work I'll be doing for Jesus. I want to make Him proud of me. And yet, as excited as I am, as completely called as I feel, I just wish sometimes that my family... got me. I have all these passions and a heart that has been completely and utterly set ablaze, and I can't share that with them. I can talk until I'm blue in the face abut non-profit coffee shops and homeless people and Jesus, and they smile and nod and tell me that they are glad I'm happy. But I recognize the face. The slow nod, the head tilt, and the half smile. It's the same face they've been giving me for the past 5 years since my mom died.

And it's killing me, because as much as they say that they're happy for me or "we'll support you, if it's really what you think you want", all I see is the disappointment in their faces. The pity in their voice. Like they think I'm ruined.

And it's not God, that's not what they're afraid of. I come from a family of Catholics and Anglicans (clearly two SEPARATE families) and, to some degree, they get the God thing. But they understood so much more when I wanted to go to some high-scale University and get a journalism degree, or the years when I worked towards becoming a doctor. That's the world they understand.

The look on their face is one of complete disappointment. Not in me, I could handle that. But in themselves. They are disappointed in themselves for who I've become. Like they let me down. It's like they feel that if they'd been there more after she died, I'd be different now. I'd be a doctor, or a journalist. Not someone who enjoys hanging out with the impoverished. Someone with no real plan for her life.

I could handle it if I had simply disappointed them. I can deal with my own failures. But the idea that they think they failed me. It kills me more than I can bear. I wish they knew what a positive impact they had on my upbringing. I'm not broken, I'm not some lesser being. It's not their fault.

I'm trying to think of a way to end this with some sort of finality... but my mind is so blank.

You hit your head and then forgot your name

Lately I feel like I'm standing still. I'm at that point in my life where I want to move, and live and do something notable. And I know that I've done a lot of great things for His kingdom, but sometimes a tiny bit of me wishes that was seen by everyone else, and I know their opinions don't matter... but I wish people could look at me and see success.

I am so excited to move in... 4 days. Wow. Four days. But I'm excited to do something new in my life... to get closer to moving forward.

My blog posting from exactly TWO years ago

September 12, 2007
So I decided to blog, since I haven't done that in awhile.
I've wanted to, really.. I just haven't really gotten around to it... other things get in the way, and things take a back seat to whatever your top priority is.
But isn't that how it is with everything? With friends, school, family or God?
I can think of dozens of friends who put their friends on a back burner when they get into a new relationship... or ignore school because of parties and the popularity race. Then there's the kids who put everything before their family because they feel that they'll always be there. I'm not playing the guilt game here, I'm just as guilty of that as the next person; trust me, before my mom died, I would often blow her off because it was Veronica's birthday and EVERYONE was going to be there and if I didn't go the entire universe would IMPLODE on itself.
The only difference is, with my mom I kind of did that when she truly needed it. However, I know I have forgiveness and I know that my mom never held that against me, even if I do sometimes.
What about putting other things before God? Now I KNOW everyone I've ever met in my walk with God could be guilty of that... we're "only human" right? We seem to be satisfied with knowing that God will always be there for us. I mean, isn't that what we learned in Sunday School and every week at church? God will always forgive us and he will always be there for us if you just ask him. I know that it sounds like a loophole, "I can screw up as much as I want, I can do what I want, say what I want, live the way I desire, and he'll always be there for me... waiting." Now, that may be true... but the way I see it is, if you truly accept God as your Savior, if you truly love him and are grateful for everything he gives you... wouldn't you WANT to make him happy, make him proud of you, make him scream with joy
"Look! That's my Son, that's my daughter! Aren't they wonderful?"
Yeah, we may only be human... but I think maybe we should strive to be more.

1234 - California sounds nice, but California's a lie.

Hey Mom,
I've been thinking about you a lot lately. I've always said that I write to you because sometimes it's easier than telling anyone else, since you can't respond, or judge me, and I can no longer break your heart like I used to.
So essentially, that just makes me a coward. But I guess you already knew that. I've always looked for the easy way out.
I don't even know why I'm so upset this time, and yet I can't stop the tears from flowing out of me. I feel like a monster. When I was little and I couldn't get to sleep, you'd take me in your lap and hold me there til I fell asleep. I miss that, Mom. Despite the fact that I'm far too old to need that anymore, I've been yearning for it so much more lately. I just want to curl up in your arms tonight and let the world melt away behind me. Now isn't that the sign of true cowardice? Hiding until it goes away. There's nothing I'd want less than to be 15 again, but I'd do it if it meant I could talk to you for just a little while. Tell you I was scared, or lonely, or angry. I just want you to tell me it's okay to feel this way sometimes. I just want someone to tell me it's okay to be who I am. That's a mom's job right? To tell me that she loves me no matter what?
The ugly truth is, I'm not a kid anymore. I don't need your validation. If you were alive now, I wouldn't want you to tell me it was okay, and that you love me no matter what. Unconditional love is amazing, but I'd want you to love me because you love to love me, not because you have to love me.
I want to be a person you'd want to get to know. And I don't think I'm that person for anyone. Dead or alive.

You've given me more than enough

So, I've kind of been avoiding making an end-of-summer post. Mainly because my life has chnged pretty dramatically. It's bizarre to remember thinking during holiday camps "hmm, this summer is going by far too quickly, and nothing exceptional has happened", because, looking back, so much WAS happening. I was being molded in so many ways that at times I didn't really recognize myself. A lot happened this summer that forced me to rethink who I was, and I thank God for that, because I've been spending the last year or so feeling pretty identity-less.
So, now that 'm forcing myself to think about the entire summer, here's an overview of MY SUMMER
I'm gonna use bulletpoints and everything!

Staff Training
- Pretty much became BFF with Kaitlyn Cramb (we were roommates and both enjoyed going to bed an hour before curfew.)
- God taught me about hard love

VBS wk 1
- Serious VBS team bonding... what with staying in an abandoned church in the middle of nowhere with no plumbing and shoddy electrical.
- Actually spoke about God's desire for a relationship in front of a church full of strangers
- Was taught by a 5 year old all about what God plans for us.

VBS wk 2
- Reconnected with my love Jennifer Cross (VBS '08)
- Thanks to wise words from an 80 yr old woman, took a few more steps in forgiving my father.
- God taught me ALL about patience.

Holiday Camp 1
- Counseled alone for the first time
- Hurricane Gracie came to town (definitely a one-f-a-kind camper)
- Go taught me about all the miracles he can perform if we just have faith.
- First tears of the summer... oh boy
- Sunstroke

Holiday Camp 2
- Counseled alone for the second time?
- Saw the heart of a truly burdened child
- Second batch of tears of the summer
- Flu

Holiday camp 3
- OLDEST GIRLS
- Learned how fulfilling self-sacrificing love can be!
Cried for the 3rd time...?
- Flu x 2

Holiday Camp 4
- Counseled alone for the 3rd.. well, you get the picture
- Learned that counseling alone beside Chelle is a winning duo. We're pretty much unstoppable.

Moms and Tots
- Watched WAY too much LOTR... I blame Michael Touzeau.
- Learned how to be a child again
- Poured my heart out to Pearlanne... what a blessing!
- Fell in love with the lifeguards

VBS wk 3/4
- Rediscovered my servants heart
- Learned even more about patience
- Decided to move to Vernon?


That barely even skims the surface of everything I learned this summer... all the different ways I was changed. Some of it just cannot be put into words, and others, I don't think my words could do it justice.
It's not only the camps that affected me; there were weekends (most of which I spent seriously ill), earning about love, as my friends came to check on me, or just sit with me for hours. Watching LOTR for hours learning about community..
But as much as I'd love to move to Burnaby and be close to my family and friends, one of the biggest things I learned this summer is that I no longer want to be comfortable in my faith. Cushioned by friends and family... I know that community is important, but not so that I'm comfortable in my lukewarm christianity.
So I'm taking the leap. I know that amazing things are happening in Vernon, and God has made it very clear to me that I am to be a part of it. I may be scared senseless, and know exactly 4 people in the area.... but I have the Escamilla's to the north, and Catherine to the south... and one of the biggest things I learned this summer was that I have some incredible friends, and no matter how far away I am, I can depend on them. It's still scary, but I am confident that God's hand is upon me.

My mind is still far too scattered to reminisce, but that post shall show up in due time.

"So today I was thinking about why Mols is my bestfriend. We fight alot and occasionally drive eachother crazy. But even during the worst fights when we didnt talk for months at a time I couldnt let go of our friendship completely. Today I realised why that is. No matter what, she just wants me to be happy. Nothing brings her more joy than when I'm happy or in a situation that will bring me epic amounts of joy. She'll support me through ridiculous crushes or schemes i concoct when my senses take leave/a very long holiday just in case it leads to something incredible for me. I once asked her why she jumps on every Michelle and (fill in the blank) bandwagon and she replied "I'm on the michelle bandwagon."
I've often said that I can't be bestfriends with girls, but Mols is a pretty amazing bestfriend."

-------------------------

Chellebabe, you're my star. Thank you for being you, and making me cry like a big baby. We may not know where our lives are headed, and we may be scared senseless, but it's such a blessing to know that I have the world's greatest best friend. 

So when you say forever, can't you see - you've already captured me

Today was the first day of Mom's and Tots camp. It was pretty slack, which is the norm. A lot of set up and then some sitting. It's a nice change of pace, and a great opportunity for me to get my health up a bit. So far, it's been really fun. I had a great time at moms and tots last year, but this year seems much cooler somehow. Maybe it's the lack of torrential downpour, (last years weather conditions were dreadful.) or the fact that I am comfortable with a lot more people now. I'm sharing a room with Amanda in the staff house (affectionately dubbed "Mandar Humblebee" by moi) which of course, is wonderful. I've like the opportunity to spend time with people I wouldn't normally get a chance to, like Jilly... whom I've missed terribly since she's been on Program Staff (Jilly = my vbs leader last year) and Mike Touz. He got pretty stoked when I told him about my plans to move to Burnaby and going to CHT and such. Apparently I have to leave Tuesdays on my schedule clear. Very suspicious. 

Also, Pearlanne is here this week as a cabin mom, so I'm gonna have a chance to spend time with her. Camp just hasn't been quite the same without her!

Tonight on the phone, Caitlyn asked me what Jesus has been teaching me.  The question scared me quite a bit. Despite the fact that I love being here and love spending time with the people around me, my heart feels so negative. So despite the fact that I talk to Jesus and read my bible everyday, I couldn't think of a single thing in my life that represented Him, everything just feels sour. 

I suppose Jesus is teaching me about love. Not just for those who it is a joy to love, but those who I hate to love. 

There's nothing wrong with living loud

So I'm in a state of refection now. All 4 holiday camps are officially over. 

I still have moms and tots and a week of VBS ahead of me, but the 4 major weeks are behind us all. It's crazy to think of everything that has happened in the past month. The hurdles that were overcome, and the ones that were not. The 600 kids that passed through this camp. All the lives that were impacted... positively, I pray. 

The roughly 170 or so children who made commitments to Christ. 

The tears, the sickness, the endless laughter and memories. The bumps, the bruises and the insane battlescars. This summer changed me far more than I would have ever anticipated. I praise God for sending me here again this year. For every single blessing he has placed in my life. I have never been more thankful than I am here at this moment, or have been in the past few weeks. 

We talk about how camp changes lives. We tell the kids how God changed our lives and brought us here, brought THEM here... but I think sometimes we forget how God is STILL bringing us here not only to change THEIR lives, but so that they can change OURS. 

Yesterday I spent some time looking over my 4 cabin photos, staring into the faces of 33 girls. 33 girls so unique and so perfect in God's eyes. I wrote the names of each girl on the back of the photos and placed them in my bible, as a reminder. A reminder of why I come back here each Summer, a reminder of exactly who the Lord wants us to be. And a reminder of who I am. So this next year, when I stray from the path, as I ultimately do, I can look into the eyes of those 33 girls and remember where exactly my identity lies. 

Soundtrack To Our Summer

Let's just say... I'm really excited for the next week. 

Even in the breaking down, I can hear redemption calling

Today was commitment day.... or, as Caitlyn Spence calls it "Crying Day". 

We broke off into 3 groups during devotions, and I talked to my group of 5 about what it means to ask Jesus into your heart and I talked to them about the different ways he has moved in my life. 

A lot of the girls had a lot of trouble understanding why God allows bad things to happen. Cassie and I stayed up talking to them tonight, trying to explain that he has no control over the bad things that happen, he can only combat them after the fact and try to turn them into blessings. I told them that although it sucked that my mom died, who knows where'd I'd be today if it hadn't happened? Chances are I would not be here with them. I also explained that God sent each of them to this camp for a reason and I thank God every day that they are here. 

I am feeling sensationally blessed right now. 

It is times like these when I feel I could move mountains. 

Thank you, Lord, for blessing my life. I pray that even through all the pain, your whisper reaches these girls' ears. 

Joy of the Redeemed

Feeling a little downhearted tonight. 
Regardless, I know that my God is a powerful, all-sufficient savior, and I have nothing to fear. 
Meditating on Isaiah 35


Joy of the Redeemed

The desert and the parched land will be glad; 
the wilderness will rejoice and blossom. 
Like the crocus, it will burst into bloom; 
it will rejoice greatly and shout for joy. 
The glory of Lebanon will be given to it, 
the splendor of Carmel and Sharon; 
they will see the glory of the LORD, 
the splendor of our God.
Strengthen the feeble hands, 
steady the knees that give way;

say to those with fearful hearts, 
"Be strong, do not fear; 
your God will come, 
he will come with vengeance; 
with divine retribution 
he will come to save you."

Then will the eyes of the blind be opened 
and the ears of the deaf unstopped.

Then will the lame leap like a deer, 
and the mute tongue shout for joy. 
Water will gush forth in the wilderness 
and streams in the desert.

The burning sand will become a pool, 
the thirsty ground bubbling springs. 
In the haunts where jackals once lay, 
grass and reeds and papyrus will grow.

And a highway will be there; 
it will be called the Way of Holiness. 
The unclean will not journey on it; 
it will be for those who walk in that Way; 
wicked fools will not go about on it. [a]

No lion will be there, 
nor will any ferocious beast get up on it; 
they will not be found there. 
But only the redeemed will walk there,

and the ransomed of the LORD will return. 
They will enter Zion with singing; 
everlasting joy will crown their heads. 
Gladness and joy will overtake them, 
and sorrow and sighing will flee away.


Glory be to God. For even in the darkness, Your light is a beacon of strength.

Sunrise/Sunset

I really love my cabin this week. They're great girls, although misguided, and I love getting to know them more. 

Sometimes they're a challenge, but they're also really sweet and I'm really excited about life. 

I'm still really stressed out and worrying about a lot of aspects of my life, but I'm also really grateful for the incredible people God has blessed me with and this beautiful camp. As I sit here, I can look out across the entire field. There are kids swimming, Kylee and Shania are racing, Fir cabin is dancing, Birch is writing a skit. There are kids on the swings, boys playing tag, girls doing handstands. 

I can't believe the summer season here ends in 2 and a half weeks. I may be staying for some Fall camps, but it's just not quite the same. 

There's something magical about this place, there's no denying it. 

At the end of each week, Touz gives the kids a speech that this camp is amazing, but its just a camp. That we're here for them and the magic comes from them and God. It's true. 9 months out of the year, this is just a place, but for 3 months in the Summer, it's this incredible oasis for kids and adults. It stands for so much; happiness, belonging, comfort, love.  But it's so much a God thing. It's everything God stands for.  Sunrise = love. God = LOVE. 

I guess that's all for now. I'm just feeling so ridiculously thankful right now. 

Praise the Lord!

Independent Woman

So I have realized I rarely blog anymore... although, I am usually far too exhausted or lacking in an internet connection. However, despite my fatigue, I decided tonight was an excellent time. I'm counseling oldest girls this week. I've been petitioning for it for awhile, and I'm so thankful that Touz made it happen. This particular group of girls who were in my SECOND oldest cabin last year havw really been on my heart all year, and now I finally have the chance to influence their lives positively. I truly believe that the work we do in all these kids lives throughout the summer is vital, but the oldest kids are at such a crucial stage in their lives, and this is our last real chance with them. They're all really incredible girls this week, and it's been a great first day. We discussed how they're role models and how they don't need boys to be happy, and we just talked for an hour about how they were created in the image of God. That they are exactly who God dreamed them to be. We discussed society's definition of the "perfect" girl, and what THEY think the perfect girl should be. Not big breasted and super skinny without her own opinions, but an athletic, charismatic, intelligent, compassionate, independent, strong woman. It was really inspirational... I'm also really proud of the oldest boys this week as well... at the end of campfire, we get held back and Touz talks with the two eldest cabins for a bit, and they're really mature and impressive this week as well. HALLELUJAH! Now I must rest. End this perfect day as is.

Grace Through Faith

So it is now my second full day with my current cabin of campers. 

Last week was an experience. I had the chance to once again counsel Gracie, and it seems she gets worse every year. Punching other kids, screaming at us til she loses her voice, stealing an entire bowl of parmesan cheese and then proceeding to eat it with her face... and yet, she never failed to tell me she loved me. She has had a terrible life, and we’re told that the week she spends at camp is when she’s happiest all year. She may be a handful, but she was also always entertaining, and even though I was worn thin counseling her on my own, I never felt under-appreciated by her.
This week is an entirely different story.
A group of 10 year old girls who refuse to respect me, who are rude and arrogant, and never seem to get the idea of loving one another. And I know enough to know that it is most likely because that type of love has never been shown to them, but I’m finding it increasingly hard to show them Christ’s love when they are constantly disrespectful towards me, and definitely towards eachother.
Lord, give me strength, and the right words to say.
On an entirely positive note, devotions this week are incredible. Last week the girls just couldn’t sit through it, and were consistently misunderstanding the message Celeigha and I were trying to get across. Simply not the case this week.
They were asking questions, understanding the bible lessons, and even moreso, they were excited to learn more about God. The highlight so far was definitely when a little girl named Madison said to me, “but how do you know God is talking to you?” and when I explained that the little voice inside their head that tells then what to do or what may not be a great idea, it was recieved by a groupwide “OHHH!”.  Or the girls getting REALLY excited about the idea of God watching over them, loving them, and knowing them before they were born. It made their night, and it DEWFINITELY made mine!
It’s time that those that make me cherish my job and thank God for placing this opportunity in my life... I just wish they weren’t so few and far between.
GRACE!
Molly

Dear Lord

I pray that my life may become what lips cannot say in a song of adoration.

The Becoming

"There's this person in my head.
She is brilliant, capable.
She's me, only so much better.
Today was a good day.
Maybe even a great day.
Even when it was hard.
I was the 'me' inside my head.
There was a moment when I thought, I can't do this.
I can't do this alone.
But I closed my eyes and imagined myself doing it.
And I did, I blocked out the fear and I did it."

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis