Because I lost my sense of wonder

Today was pretty high up there on my scale of stellar days.
Work may have benn just... work... but it was the first day that I've gone and not wanted to vomit everywhere everytime I paused to think of the possibility of messing up. The day actually went really well and I'm learning things slowly but surely. I always have fun with the people there, and I'm not quite sure what I'll do when some of them wont be joining me on my new shift next month, like Laura, DavRo and Jase. (but I'll still have Kim and Richard!)
Afterwork was youth group. Not just ANY youthgroup, though. It was our VERY last youth group with Shawn as our youth pastor. He's officially finito on the 4th. There were no tears today, probably because we didn't try to think about it too much. At one point Shawn may or may not have chased Josh Reno, grabbed the Salvation Army flag from off the stage, and used it as a spear... then missed, and accidentally stabbed a hole in the wall of the sanctuary... maybe.
(But if anyone asks, it was Tim Latour).
Also, the dishwasher may have caught on fire.
We're still not quite sure how that happened.
It was a pretty interesting evening, but really how could Shawn NOT leave with a bang?
After all that wrapped up, Michelle, Mike, Tyler, Timmy and I drove off to McDonalds.... and into a roadblock.
Michelle actually almost threw up on the guy (she was a liiiittle over the 'N' 1 person limit) but he just let us go after asking us where we were coming from and we said youth group. (Also, when she opened the glove compartment to get her insurance, a bible fell out).
We basically just spent almost 2 hours sitting in Mcdonalds laughing a lot and Mike begging me to buy him stuff.
So even though nothing super spectacular happened, and I'm still a little heartbroken when I think of the changes coming up in our youth group, today was pretty rad.
I'm just really thankful for all the people in my life, I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

I am the villain in my own story

Kay, so I know I blog a lot about Shawn, but you know what? I don't care.
I spend more time with him than I do with most other people, except Michelle...
And people I work with because, well, I work a lot.
Tonight I went out for coffee with him, Tyler, Mike, Michelle and Josh and most of the time was spent with us just goofing off and talking about ridiculous things like how Coyote should just use the money he spends buying anvils and hire a hitman (Tyler) or how Josh should be an actor, but only play a guy on Speed (...well, Josh). While we were laughing and talking and everything, Shawn was just watching us. On the way home he told me how much he loves to watch us talk. He talked about how people always say how much they can't stand teens and how he just cannot relate, because some of his favourite times are just watching us be... us.
The sadder part of the conversation was when Shawn stopped to see if Alex got home alright, and he wasn't there. Every time I drive with Shawn, he always stops to check on Alex.
and he was like "this is the part of the job I hated. Worrying about kids tears me apart".
I told him i didn't think him not being a youth pastor will change how much he cares for people and he's like "oh i know, but i wont be able to make new relationships and get close to them so much that it hurts. Every year there's another Alex and they come and go, and they're the kids that when I leave, the relationship will fade and they'll move on. It's not lie you because I've built that connection with you and we're friends now."
It so easy to see what Shawn is thinking just by looking at him. When we looked over at him while we were laughing in Tim Hortons, he was smiling, but his eyes looked so sad. This is really rough on him right now. We have to make this transition as easy as possible for him.


//Molly\\ -|- Meshiach -|- says:
he just enjoys listening to us talk
//Molly\\ -|- Meshiach -|- says:
and he doesnt want to lose that
Chelle hearts josh mills times affinity! says:
he wont
Chelle hearts josh mills times affinity! says:
we'll make sure of that

Alone

You left too soon
I didn't even get to say goodbye
To you
And now I'm left
With only the few pictures that remain
I should have taken more when I had the time.
You're not here
But can you hear me?
The call that shattered my world
Was the voice that called you home
And now I'm left to hurt
How can I face this world alone?
So now I wait
For a chance to see your face again
Because I know this is not the end.
And I live for the day that I will walk
To Heaven and call your name
And you'll run to me through those crowded streets.
And I can hear in my heart
Your the call that shattered my world
You're the voice that called her home
And now I'm left to hurt
Only now I cry with hope
And know
I'm not alone.

I wanna read good news; I wanna be innocent again

These words consume her but they never set her free.

Time for something upbeat.
I love so much about my life. Really, truly, I feel really blessed by a lot.
I love Sunday school. I love helping Aidan write a get well soon card to his 2 year old sister. I love how it was completely his idea. I love when Holly tells me she loves me and I love Claire making her best monkey face. I love my job. I love drinking 'Neil's' hot chocolate (with sprinkles) with Kim and goofing off with DavRo.
I love Shawn. As my youth pastor and as my friend. I love going out for coffee every week, and just talking about everything on the way home from church. I love his dedication to his family. I love his family. I love how he'd die for Krista, Emma and Katie without a second thought.
Clint says he'll always be my youth pastor, no matter how much time passes, Shawn will be who I think of when I think of "my" youth pastor.
Honestly, though, I'd rather think of him as this huge force in my life. This major mentor. Then everyone can move forward and kind of embrace whoever comes to fill his place.
Right. My love thing.
I love my friends. I love Michelle and how she doesn't see any option other than good. I love Tyler, and his goal of becoming even more laid-back, ad how he doesn't use car doors anymore and just jumps through windows. I love Mike's socks with sandals and directness.
I love Carlye. So much. I wish she didn't have to hurt. I love Camille and how straight forward she is regarding her entire life. I love driving to Victoria at 2am with Carlye and Camille to go to Denny's... and realizing after that we're not even hungry.
I love how Ben is always there to listen to me. Always. I could go on for hours and he'd just listen, no matter how ridiculous I'm being. And that's most of the time. I wish I was better at letting people know how much I appreciate them.
I love Stephanie. I just thought I'd put that in here. I love how she's always treated me like an adult, even when I was nowhere close to one. I love sitting in church with her discussing how tithing plates should have ATM's on them. I love how she's really a kid at heart, in a 20-something body.
I love rain and the sun and leaves and stars and the smell of morning.
I think I want to be proposed to in the snow.

TU24

There's an asteroid heading towards earth for the 29th.
Apologize to foes, hug loved ones, kiss babies.
We're all gonna die.

The Test

All I can see is as far as my headlights can show me.
And all of the roads look the same in each state that I drove in.
As I grip the wheel, and I drift away wishing,
I could wake up just a second too late so that,
I could see Heaven and I'd get a taste,
Then I'd just keep going

So heres to the promise of glamorous living,
You must drink up now, cause it's all that you're getting
If you haven't been tested, you certainly will,
And I promise it's going to kill.

All I can think of is how much I'd kill to be sleeping.
I'm squinting my eyes, my minds drifting to secrets I'm keeping.
And the long hauling trucks are all parked in their stops,
Just like luminous ghost to something that once was.
The rigs look so empty when framed by their lies,
And thats how I'm feeling..

So heres to the promise of glamorous living,
You must drink up now, cause it's all that you're getting
If you haven't been tested, you certainly will,
And I promise it's going to kill.

It's all at their expense,
If this is real, I'm a fake.
At least I feel important,
I won't lie, I lie to get paid.

So heres to the promise of glamorous living,
You must drink up now, cause it's all that you're getting
If you haven't been tested, you certainly will,
And I promise it's going to kill.

Renovation of the Heart

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.
Philippians 4:4-9

This is a passage that we were encouraged to meditate on for XLR8 from our 'Renovation of the Heart' book. This passage about peace really stuck out to me during all of this turmoil, and I just felt like documenting that.

The Youth Pastor Chronicles

Part 3

Carlye: I had a dream that you quit and then Clint came and became our youth pastor.

Molly: I had a dream that you quit, and then moved to Vernon and became THEIR youth pastor, so Mark Touzeau came back from China and became ours.

Molly and Carlye: PROPHETIC!

Josh: Do you find it weird that they're dreaming about you, Shawn?
And besides, Mark Touzeau can't balance stuff on his chin.

Molly: Yeah, Carlye and I already jotted that down as one of the requirements.

Shawn: Of all the things that could matter to you, that's the one you choose first?

The Youth Pastor Chronicles

Part 2

(ps. Justin Thompson is the cutest little kid, by the way)


™Justin™ says:
Shawn resigned?
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
Yep
™Justin™ says:
That's sad =(
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
Yeah
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
but hes been doing the youth pastor thing for a long time
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
and he has his little girls that he needs to be with
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
hes still gonna be an active part of the church and stuff
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
it wont be too bad
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
and we get a new pastor to learn and grow with
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
which will be exciting, i promise :)
™Justin™ says:
But I'm sure he wont let us do the things that Shawn did =(
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
you never know
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
yeah, everyone is different
but he may let us do new things that Shawn would never allow :P
™Justin™ says:
Shawn let us do everything =(
//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
hahaha

The Youth Pastor Chronicles

Part 1


//Molly\\ -|-meshiach-|- says:
i wonder if the new youth pastor will be able to balance things on his chin
Carlye הפניה says:
that should be a pre-requisite

"The greatest compliment would be to show him his efforts weren't wasted"

So I'm having this pretty intense conversation with Josh Mills, and out of nowhere I became this superforce, and it's gotten me pretty shaken up, so I figured I'd document it or something.


"ultimately, this is his time to think of what he needs for once, instead of thinking about all of us.
He needs his family, and they NEED him...
and I trust Shawn, i hold his opinion higher than any other human I know, and if he says everything is going to be okay, that we're going to be okay, than I know its true
I talked to him about how getting a new youth pastor will be hard and some kids might be sketched out, but honestly, if he's taught us anything, he's taught us how to love
and hes taught us how to survive, so we'll greet the new youth pastor (Lord help him) with open arms and we'll greet the challenges the same way.
Shawn is an incredible person, and he has God's spirit coursing through him, so i don't think its right; in fact, it kind of makes me sick, that anyone should be doubting him.
Josh says:
you just have to trust gods timing
Josh says:
which is infinitely perfect
Josh says:
and shawn has to be there for his family for sure
Josh says:
i think its great that his kids will have him
Josh says:
its just very hard
Josh says:
everyone just loves him so much
Josh says:
and to have scott go
Josh says:
and then shawn
Josh says:
is just alot to handle for some
Molly -|-You're a part time lover and a full time friend, the monkey on your back is the latest trend-|- says:
I'm not saying its not.
Shawn is the closest thing I have to a dad.
I don't think I've cried as hard as I did today since my own dad left.
But when I was surrounded by a bunch of youth crying, and I looked up and shawn looked RIGHT at me, i figured I had two choices.
I could over think and over analyze and kind of sink into the sorrow, or i could be the leader he's been building me up to be and make him proud.
So thats what I did. I held Kyle's hand, I hugged Tiana and Keeley... and thats what I'm doing now... I'm talking these kids through it, because I KNOW how hard it is for me, so I feel that it's my job to comfort those teens.
I'm not a teen anymore, I'm a leader, I'm supposed to be there for them
He's been telling me that for weeks
I guess it just took this for me to really exercise it.


I'm also having an equally incredible conversation with Josh Reno.


Molly -|-You're a part time lover and a full time friend, the monkey on your back is the latest trend-|- says:
Yeah
I don't think I could really spit that speech out more than once
but I'd like to, to shawn
one day

Josh:
i felt the same way about shawn
he was a huge male influence for me when Denis left.
the best thing we can do for shawn
is to keep the youth group alive and be the best leaders we can be
because he invested his time in us so that we could run it without him
the greatest compliment would be to show him his efforts weren't wasted




And that's just what we're going to do.

If I was a flower growing wild and free All I'd want is you to be my sweet honey bee

Today before church Oceana, the little girl from sunday school came up with her mom and said ":I saw you driving with your mommy! I saw you! And I waved! You were in a car!"
And her mom said "She was really excited".
I didn't feel it was my place to inform this little blond haired 6 year old angel with the glasses bigger than her face that I don't have a mommy at all, so I just told her that that was really neat, and asked her if she had a fun week at school and if she was excited for Children's story.

Oh yeah, and Shawn resigned from his position as youth pastor.
We all cried.
He cried the most.
I got all the youth up on stage to hug him, tell him 'we got his back', and pray.


...and I saw Juno today.
It's now my favourite movie.

Toodles.

Tree Hugger

The flower said, "I wish I was a tree,"
The tree said, "I wish I could be
A different kind of tree,
The cat wished that it was a bee,
The turtle wished that it could fly
Really high into the sky,
Over rooftops and then dive
Deep into the sea.

And in the sea there is a fish,
A fish that has a secret wish,
A wish to be a big cactus
With a pink flower on it.
And in the sea there is a fish,
A fish that has a secret wish,
A wish to be a big cactus
With a pink flower on it.

And the flower
Would be its offering
Of love to the desert.
And the desert,
So dry and lonely,
That the creatures all
Appreciate the effort.

And the rattlesnake said,
"I wish I had hands so
I could hug you like a man."
And then the cactus said,
"Don't you understand,
My skin is covered with sharp spikes
That'll stab you like a thousand knives.
A hug would be nice,
But hug my flower with your eyes."

The flower said, "I wish I was a tree,"
The tree said, "I wish I could be
A different kind of tree,
The cat wished that it was a bee,
The turtle wished that it could fly
Really high into the sky,
Over rooftops and then dive
Deep into the sea.

And in the sea there is a fish,
A fish that has a secret wish,
A wish to be a big cactus
With a pink flower on it.
And in the sea there is a fish,
A fish that has a secret wish,
A wish to be a big cactus
With a pink flower on it.

And the flower
Would be its offering
Of love to the desert.
And the desert,
So dry and lonely,
That the creatures all
Appreciate the effort.

And I'm racking my brain for a new and perfect way to let you know you're more to me than what I know how to say

So today I was teaching Junior Soldiers Sunday School with Diane (this amazing little Scottish woman from my church... I wish everyone in the world was like her) and it was all about forgiveness.
I was pretty lucky, because unlike this summer when all my classes had 30+ kids in it (they combine all the classes during the summer) this one had a grand total of 6.
Junior Soldiers is for all the kids 6 - 8, which is actually my favourite age group.
I love Emma and Katie and the other tinier munchkins, but I also like being able to talk to the kids and have them listening to what I'm saying and know that they're actually processing it.
The class is full of some of my favourite kids on the planet.
Holly is Steve Cochrane's daughter who took a real liking to me when she discovered our names rhyme. He only gets them (Holly and her brother, Riley) on alternating weekends, and he's been telling me that she's been asking whether I'll be at church before she goes, and its always weeks when I'm out of town ("Molly, you're making a liar out of me to my kids!") so she was super excited to see me.
Aidan is an angel of a little boy. He's really smart and gentle and could actually stop traffic with his huge curious eyes. (Likewise for his little sister, Veronica, who never actually SAYS anything, but thinks what she's saying are words, which just makes it all the more charming).
Jasmine is the little girl who has made it her goal in life to follow me everywhere I go each week in wild truth, and she's just a gorgeous innocent little thing.
Lastly, there's Claire. She's the little monkey. So far, I'm the only Wild Truth leader she pays any attention to, so I was pretty stoked to find out she was in my class.
There were 2 more kids that I don't know very well, Oceana, a tiny blonde child with huge glasses and a voice like a mouse, and Dylan, probably the brightest, hardest working 7 year old on the planet.
In the Junior Soldiers workbook, they had to do a crossword puzzle about Forgiveness, and there weren't enough books for Dylan, so instead of just opting out of it, or accepting our offer to drawn him one, he insisted that he draw it himself. He actually copied out the entire lesson plan from Holly's book and then did the puzzles about 10 minutes after the other kids.
I also learned that Claire, the monkey, (as well as the little sister of the 12 year old that I mentor, Emily) is smart as a whip. She's the youngest in the class, but she needed the least help doing any of the work.
On a slightly unrelated topic, the craft was asking God to forgive your sins. Each kid got a paper cross and wrote "Jesus, please forgive me for..." and then something they did that was bad.
I noticed that Claire hadn't written much so I went over and asked her "what is something bad that you do sometimes that you want God to forgive you for?"
and she replied with "I'm AAAAALWAYS mean to my brother."
I just love that little firecracker with all my heart.
Also, when I mentioned to Emily the events that occurred, she told me that she'd told Claire that I'd mention it and she'd responded with
"I'm such a genius"

I love the Larsen sisters.
I love Sunday School.
I love every one of those little miracles that I get to spend each week with.
Praise Jesus.

You only stand to break my heart, I can tell it by the way you run away

Tonight a bunch of us went to Karen's house. The 'old gang'... so basically me, Carlye, Caitlyn, Josh, Kate, Michelle etc.
Shawn and Krista came, which was awesome, and Krista and I made definite plans to MAKE definite plans regarding a mentoring sesh, since we haven't gotten together much since I asked her to mentor me.
Alex (whose last name I cannot recall) and Sharon Bard came as well; they're the new youth pastors for Neighborhood. I didn't really talk to Alex much, but he seems nice enough, and he seemed to really bond with Josh and Mike.
Sharon, obviously, is lovely.
I had a meeting with Shawn near the end and told him about a lot of what I've been feeling, what's going on in my life, and how I feel about what's going on in others. I know it was hard for him to talk about some stuff, but he said some things that kind of helped both of us, I think.
He also made it very clear that I will NEVER be alone, and that he's never going to let me go through anything alone. He ended with "Molly, we've always figured this out togehter before, right? Whether it be money, or your dad, or mom, I've never stopped until we've worked out a solution, and it's no different now."
He told me he was going to work out ways that I could just come over to his place when I needed to be with a happy family or just hang out and know without a doubt that I was not alone... or if I just needed a hug from Krista. ("I reason with things and determine logic, Krista gives you hugs")
Flip, I just feel so blessed to have that entire family in my life.
How did I ever luck out this much?

Oh Josh Mills

Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
25 DAYS
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
until
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
xlr8?
Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
you're so smaart
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
dang
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
i need to get reading
Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
i finished it
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
holy jeez
Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
now i have to write the essay about how i have failed as a Christian, according to that book
Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
the other one was inspiring, this one was just depressing
Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
it was like a literary slap in the face
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
haha
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
o mollty
Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
oh her
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
hhahaha
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
o molty
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
anyways
Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
i feel a new nickname coming on
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
o molly
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
such a deep thinker
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
haha
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
molty
Fru Fru Is A Horses Name says:
i'm so calling you molty
Molly Give me space so you can drown in this with me says:
see? i called it

Loveology

I'm so crazy about so many people in my life.
Everyone is so incredible, and it's starting to make me feel like I'm such a burden.
I'm pretty moody a lot of the time, and I miss who I used to be.
This week with Vangi was a little rocky, but last night we talked a lot and I kind of spilled my heart out a bit. Honestly, I don't do that very often. I tell Michelle a lot, like what I think of people or situations... everything external. I think sometimes I'm really good at putting off the persona of a very open person, but nothing I ever talk about is internal, nothing is very real.
Flip, I feel so blessed to have Ben in my life. I don't know how he does it, but he lets off this sort of vibe that I can let those little things go. My insecurities and my hopes and dreams and the tender bits of my soul end up just kind of being poured out whenever I talk to him. He's just so... safe.
I love that kid so much, he's just an incredible friend.
Okay, that's enough about that.
I feel so tense and completely wound up right now. Everything is in such ultra-focus that I can't even concentrate on anything that is going on. So it's just going to keep going on forever.
I wish I didn't have that thing where I set expectations that are constantly broken. Not necessarily in people as much as events. Going to my family was so super-built up in my head for weeks that I just ended up coming home feeling worse than when I left.
Or I tell myself 'everything is going to be okay as soon as I see this person' and then everything reverts back to the old scheme of things.
I kind of have that going with my talk I'm going to be having with Shawn; finally getting to air all my hurt and confusion and betrayal and sorrow to him and getting his opinion on it. I told him last night that I just want to talk to him because I respect his opinion more than anyone, and he kind of laughed and said "cute, Molly" .

Come on youth pastor, make everything better.

Hide and Seek

Where are we?
What the ^hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to _fall,
^Cr_op ^ci_rc^le_s in the carpet, _sinking, ^feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.

Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.

Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
Oh you won't catch me around here.
Blood and tears
They were here first.

What'd you say?
That you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
What'd you say?
That it's all for the best? Of course it is.
What'd you say?
That it’s just what we need? And you decided this.
What you say?
What did she say?

Ransom notes keep _falling out your mouth.
Mid-sweet talk, ^newspaper word cut-outs.
Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you.
You don't care a bit. You don't care a bit.

If you ran to the ends of the earth, I would catch you and you would be safe...

So today we went for brunch at my Aunts house.
The biggest event to be noted is when Ewan, my 1 yr old second cousin, and I shared a 'moment' and totally jelled. We're BFF now.
I don't think I'll ever mean much to Isla apart from being her playmate. I don't need a name, I'm just that girl she can bend to her whim. I love my cousins.
Tonight I'm staying at my OTHER Aunts house in Coquitlum and I've had a pretty good time. We went for a walk around the nighborhood looking at Christmas lights like we used to do when I was little, and talked to my brother on the phone. We also watched The Bourne Ultimatum and my Uncle admitted how he's pretty much in love with Julia Stiles. Awkward for everyone.
I have a horribly sore throat and am still feeling more heartbreak-y than Christmas spirit-y.
For the entirety of this trip, no matter how many people are in the room, I always feel alone.

...if you fell down the well I would bring you a rope and take all the pain

So I'm staying at my cousin Celidh's house and I've been tossing and turning for hours, so now I've kind of given up on sleep.
So far my Chritmas has been pretty good. I got here earlier tonight and pretty much just hung out with Celidh's friends' 4 year old daughter, Taylor.
Afterwards Celidh and I watched Christmas themed chick flicks while Fred played WoW, and now everyon else is asleep while I wonder how I could NOT be.
I hope this holiday goes alright. I wish I could just feel peaceful right now, and I thought once I was here with my family everything would be better.
But nothing is.