I need you to reign down on me

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really over my mom's death.
I'm definitely not like I was after she died, I cry every time I think of how painful those nights were. I'd just lie there in the dark and cry for hours.
I'd just shake and bawl for hours, until it became easier to just not try to sleep at all. To do anything but think. I'd sit up every night and talk to Lindsey... or Colin. I haven't talked to that kid really since science in grade 10, we ended up hating eachother... but he was there for me every night until 3am. I used to be so mad at my friends for turning away from me. But what could they have done? It was like I was in an entirely different dimension. They could tell me things, and I'd hear something different. I've known people at this point in my life who do that and it frustrates me so much, but then I think... that was me.


27th January, 2005. 4:14 pm. Oh god

okay.. so.
Apparently I have insomnia... resulting from grief.. that i ASSUMED I had dealt with.. apparently not.
Whatever....

1st January, 2005. 9:03 pm. She said, Kill me faster...

Friend probs. just got worse... so much worse.. but can't get into it..

Theres a pain in my stomach that wont go away.. I wish my mom was here.. I'd spill everything.. with life... with HIM (she knew who I liked) with everything... I feel like there's a pile of rocks on my chest suffocating me and I want to give up... and the more issues piled on me, so are the rocks.. getting harder and harder to breathe.. but it would be so easy to stop breathing.. stop trying.. give up.. it'd be so easy.. so easy

Well gunna go.. adios

5th February, 2005. 8:09 pm. Hmmm.. Life might just work out

Doubt it.. but, ya know.. might as well be the optimistic one like I have been for the past..er.. forever... but of course I can't let anyone know I'm really a closet pessimist.... what would the world become.. everything has changed... Veronica DIDN'T get the guy, Lenn has short ha...er.. shortER hair... I don't fucking feel like pretending like everything's alright.. and I'd rather be in a class with faggotty grade 9's that I DETEST than with my friends... like, I'm tired of some of them.. not saying who but...
And because I love my english teacher.. she's so... I don't know, teenager like.. lol

I like the kind of teacher you WANT to do well for... like her, she said our class will be like a mafia... lol.. we'll have eachother's backs.. and if we have a problem to tell her because if she doesn't know then how can she understand... so afterclass I told her about my mom.. all my 1st semester teachers knew, why not her?
She says she wants to see some of my poetry.. I actually might show her.

8th February, 2005. 3:51 pm. It's Getting Better All the Time

Sem. 2 has been a huge blessing... It's made me at least 15% happier.. (its a start) and it's like.. a fresh start.. since EVERYTHING'S changed...
Today at Lunch Lenn was with us.. then went uptown.. and returned with a Krystal... Veronica couldn't handle it.. its funny now, the way she reacted.. but wasn't at the time..

Molly: Ever feel like eating a tub of icecream
Shannsy: yes...
Molly: and then throwing the bucket at someone's HEAD?
Veronica: oh god yes.. but screw eating the icecream.. a full bucket has a better outcome!
Molly: Have I told you lately that I love you?


It was fucking hillarious...
Not quite as much as afterschool at Ballenas

Tori: Molly -run and hugs me-

Molly: -does nothing- er....

Tori: FINE THEN!

Brittany: Let's go for a walk molly.. like, home.

Tori: -chases after me angrily-

Molly: -laugh- hmm.. what do you want?

Tori: Just NEVERMIND! -Runs off-

-Brittany and Molly laugh hysterically-



10th February, 2005. 10:13 pm. Who Needs A boyfriend.. I HAVE LENNIE

Molly says:
I'm sad.... :(
and it's NOT your fault this time
...well.. you never make me sad.. but..
you know what i mean....

Lenn says:
i know ({) (L)

Molly says:
what were the hugs and hearts for?

Lenn says:
cuz you were sad...

Molly says:
... you get to know my secret now ...

Lenn says:
alright

Molly says:
... every single night i say goodnight to
my mommy... and everynight i wait until i fall asleep
for her to answer me... in the morning it seems stupid..
because i know she wont.. but every night i end up
doing it again...

Lenn says:
its alright to do that molly

Molly says:
i dont care even if it isnt.. because that
wont stop me from doing it... i dont know why i do.. but
i cry myself to sleep every night wishing she'd never
left me

Lenn says:
i cant imagine...:(
whenever i think of your mom its so weird
with her not being there...but for you...
i feel so bad

Molly says:
its okay.. well.. no, i lie.. but it will
be.. no.. lying again.. it'll never be oklay.. and this
empty feeling will never leave.. theres always gunna be
that void that she used to fill.. I'll always have this
ache in my stomach.. Elizabeth is 32 now... her mom died
when she was 15.. its still there
i cant imagine always feeling like this..
but i guess I'll have to start....

Lenn says:
i dont even know what it will feel like in
however many years
my dads 53 and his parents are still
alive

Molly says:
.... i know what it feels like.. I'm not
sure if i'll be able to feel like this my entire life..
god i hope i die young....
you know that sick feeling when you regret
doing something really badly... like a rock is in your
stomach?

Lenn says:
yes...
completely
thats the way you feel all the time isnt
it...?

Molly says:
... it's like. that... 24/7.. and it never
eases... its not regret.. but its the exact feeling...
and sometimes I get into an alright mood enough to put
it out of my mind for maybe 15 mins.. but its always
there
not like it comes and goes.. I've just
learned to ignore it sometimes

Molly says:
but if you watch me close enough.. i think
it shows... all the time

Lenn says:
true...

Molly says:
you've noticed?

Lenn says:
no molly, i havent noticed how my best
friend really feels...

Molly says:
... its so hard to laugh these days.. to
actually have a good time without faking it... I've been
pasting on a smile for 2 fucking months

Lenn says:
of course i have
but alot of people dont
can i make you smile?
......err, have i made you smile

Molly says:
yes (L)

Lenn says:
:)
(L)

Molly says:
thank you for everything lenn

Lenn says:
thank you too molly
its not just me making you smile, you do
it to me too
and wow that sounds erotic

Molly says:
yaye
wait.. i didn't mean yaye erotica....

Lenn says:
hahah

Molly says:
or did I :-O ;)

Lenn says:
swift molly ....... :-O ;)
---------------------
I Love Him.


15th February, 2005. 7:12 am. Forget Who You're Pretending To Be

Writing this before school... I just feel... I don't know.
But I can't handle too much more of this.
There's all this crap with Dorothy.. then my dad.. then Veronica.. and Rachel.
I love her so much.. and I just want to help her.. but I'm not sure if can..
I need to be in control, have the power to change things, if I don't feel in control I break down.
I wasn't in control when my mom got sick.. there was nothing i could do, just sit there and wait... and be there for her.. but that didn't do much now DID it?
I just wonder if there was more we could've done.
I want to help Rachel so badly.. she just wants to stop hating herself... she WANTS help now, she didn't before. But what can I do.. she looks in the mirror and hates what she sees.. and believes what she sees it what everyone else does too...
but she's beautiful...
I can't handle anymore of this.. and i feel like, no matter how many friends I seem to be making.. just more connections lately.. and getting closer to them all, there's no one I can ever TALK to... because that ONE person, the one who's instinct is loving and listening and nurturing, my ONE is gone... who do I have now..

Well, I need to stop complaining about my life and get ready for school.

27th February, 2005. 5:40 pm. I don't want to feel this way
V decided that she wanted to die last night.. she had pills andshe was really scaring us and Lennie... he was trying to stop her.. we all were...
Then Rachel starts crying.. and I start crying.. so we're bawling.. Lennie's telling us to please stop crying.. but he looks like he is too

I couldn't stand losing her.. I would kill myself.. then Lenn would've lost both of us and...
Rach and I were still having a good time though, after we knew VeeVee was okay...I was happy the whole night.. it's the first I've been happy in months
approx. 3.... 3 months march 10... but I didn't WANT to feel good.. It sucks feeling that fear.. that pain ... but I couldn't NOT.. and at the same time i couldnt get rid of the mood i was in...

I felt like crap for feeling that way.. and now I'm... confused...

And V keeps signing in but talking to no one.. not even Lenn, and she always answers him.

He called her today, but no answer...
I'm so scared....

7th March, 2005. 5:52 pm. The world we loved forever gone, we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are...

School depresses me.
3 months later (3 months in 3 days) people still treat me differently because of my mom.. (even some JOBIES have been..) I need them to just be them.

Apparently it takes a full year for a death like this to sink it.. but it sure is starting to now.. and it's agonizing.

So. At school I have THAT on my mind, Veronica depressed about Lenn, Lenn in his own little Lennie psychoanalyzed world, and the rest of the people around me just fixtures of this life I live.

This life I've never lived before, this life I can't believe I'm living in.
Even now I'm being selfish, after all that has gone on I still feel like such a brat for feeling this way. For thinking about how I didn't want things to change.. how I don't want a life without her...
...and yet, the thoughts are still there.

I told V about it.. sort of.. about how I feel responsible for some of the pain my mom went through...
how she was FINE and then BOOM she was sick.. and how I remember hoping, when she went to the doctors, that she'd be admitted, because I was getting tired of taking care of her for the past week.. she was fine before that week...

The details of that following week are fuzzy.. I remember seeing how serious it was when she started seeing things, she wasn't insane.. she KNEW they werent there.. which is why she wanted them to go away.
I remember begging my dad not to take me to visit her.. I didnt like seeing her like that...
How selfish of me!!!
Those were my last times with her and I was too much of a fucking spoiled brat to spend them with her.
Because 5 days later, she was gone.

No one expected it... part of me knew.. but it didn't kick in until the doctor said it.. when they called the school and said my dad had to take me to the hospital as soon as 3 o clock came, I knew it was all over, and yet, I didnt think she'd actually be leaving.. I just thought the hospital stage was over.. I was crying, because I was scared of the next stage.

I don't understand how the words came so easily from my mouth.. "she's dead.. they unplugged her"
but i called rachel 30 minutes after the doctor told us there was nothing they could do.. she cried.. I didn't.
I went to the jobie party that night, and had fun.. I wish i had gone to school the next day.. and told them in person.. I wish I could've hugged my friends and cried... but I had to stay home.. and call them that night.. tell V and Lenn in the same monotone that she was dead.
I thought they would know.. Colin knew.. why hadn't he said something?
I thought they wouldn't be shocked, because the shock still hadn't hit ME yet.. but they were.

.... I caused this.

---------------------------------------


I don't know why I posted so many of those.
I just found all of them.
I always seemed to pass over them when I look at my old blog.
I was pretty screwed up, right?
I'm not like that anymore, right?

...I found the cute little poem I wrote and read at my mom's funeral.
I don't even recognize the girl who wrote that anymore.


Never thought I'd live without you,
Never thought I could,
Now you're gone- we're all alone,
I guess I probably should.
I heard you cry in frustration,
At the turning events in your life,
But those times I choose to forget,
Remember the smiles, not the strife.
I saw you lying in a hospital bed,
Barely holding on,
But I know the times we need to remember,
Are the laughter and the songs.
So remember her smile,
Remember her laugh,
Remember how she cared.
And I'll remember her warm hugs,
And how she held me when I got scared.
Remember she is here with us,
As we recall all she's been through,
And she will laugh and shake her head,
And remember the good times too.
Wherever you go and whatever you do,
Remember she is there with you,
And when our time to leave arrives,
She'll be waiting to greet us with open arms.
She was a mother,
A daughter,
A friend,
Now she's an angel,
And we'll see her again.