We write to patch things up; maybe not to agree but to proclaim love

So, today because of interesting circumstances, I had to look back to a time a couple Summers ago. I made a pretty big mistake. Despite the fact that the past remains unchanged, and that I understand that it was 3 years ago and I was a very different person then, I am still sorry. I'll make no apologies for the person I was then; I was barely 17, dealing with a constantly vacant father, a recently dead grandmother, and a lot of other teenage dramatics. It wasn't a good Summer by anyone's account, but I'd still like to apologize to anyone I may have hurt. I was different then; different from who I am now, and who I was prior to that.
Like, I said, I don't regret who I was or the errors I made in judgment, but I do feel sorry for anyone I may have hurt.

I'm probably going to delete this entry in a few days, so enjoy it while you can.

What I am meditating on today

So... we were created by God.
He made us to be like Him. There were angels with no bodies, and animals with no spirit, and then there's us. Humans with both. He created us and we were good. He loved us and he gave us freedom to choose whether to love him back or not.
Have you ever been in love? Have you ever loved someone and had them break your heart or asked someone to love you and they simply said no and walked away?
In Genesis it says, "And the LORD was sorry that He had made man on the earth, and He was grieved in His heart." God has a heart. Each day we break his heart. He loves us and every day we say no and walk away.
In the beginning of it all, we as humans chose disconnection. We chose disobedience to God, we believed the lie that a life without God would bring greater fulfillment.
God made the world out of chaos, he pulled all the fragmented bits together and made our world; trees, rocks, animals, humans... and we had that connection, that oneness with God. We were once connected to God, but now we spend time trying to fuse back what is severed... we search for ways to find that oneness again... A good example is of music... if you go to a concert, and everyone is singing and waving their arms to the same rhythm, you feel it... or if you make a connection with another person who is unlike you in every other way except the fact that they are human, you feel it.
Because we were all created in God's image, but over time we've separated because of all our differences. Black, white. Rich, poor. Jew, Gentile. So now we START OUT different, and are working towards being blind to the differences again... just like we started. We're fixing what we broke. We are learning to love the way God intended. We are trying to create a world less chaotic.

Sex God

So, there's a certain book that I've been wanting to read for awhile. I think Rob Bell has a really engaging way of speaking, and it really comes out in his writing. So today I went out and purchase "Sex God". It basically just pinpoints all the ways sexuality and spirituality are connected. At one point in the book, Rob Bell is talking about Jacob. How he pretended to be his brother, Esau, in order to get his inheritance. How he then had to flee for his life before Esau killed him. When Jacob reaches a "certain location", as the Bible says, God speaks to him. Back then, everyone believed that God only spoke in temples or other holy places... not in "certain locations".. God will speak to you anywhere, anytime. Jacob places a stone altar there, to commemorate that connection he first made with God.

"Imagine you're one of Jacob's kids; you have just arrived in this new land, and there's a stone pillar there that your dad can't stop talking about. He's telling anyone who will listen this story about something that happened to him years ago, and he's stacking rocks on top of rocks. 
What if you asked, "Dad, what's the big deal? They're just rocks"
I imagine Jacob would respond, "Yes, you're right. They're rocks. But they're more than rocks. You have to understand. I was on the run and thought my brother was going to kill me. My life was over. And God saved me. And God brought me to a new home. And I had food to eat and a place to sleep and eventually God gave me a family. These aren't just rocks. They are a symbol of life for me. God came through for me."

I've never been sure how to explain my devotion to God to the people in my life that simple do not understand, until I read that section of the book. And after sharing that sentiment, through the supposed eyes of Jacob, I don't feel like any words are necessary. 
It goes on.. 

"We do this all the time. If I were to go through your garage or storage shelves or sock drawer. I guarantee we would find the strangest thing. I have a trophy from when I was fourteen. The little man fell of some time in the 90's, the lettering that says what it was for has faded, and the years have revealed that, shockingly, that isn't real marble. 

But I've kept it.
I haven't thrown it away because it's more than a trophy to me. That trophy is the first I actually won something on my own. It represents a certain period of my life and the struggles of being fourteen and finding my identity and wondering if I'd ever be good at something.
It's a trophy, but it's more than a trophy. 
Jewelry, pictures, sculptures made by children, antiques that have been in the family for years, art projects, souvenirs, velvet paintings - we hold on to them because they point beyond themselves. If we were to ask you about a certain picture and why you have it displayed in such a prominent place in your home, or why you carry it around in your pocket or wallet everywhere you go, you'd probably respond by talking about the people in the picture, where it was taken, when it was taken. But that would only be the start. Those relationships and that places and that time represent something more. Something much bigger.  If we kept exploring, you'd probably end up using words like trust and love and belonging and commitment and celebration. 
So it's a picture, but it's more than a picture.
The physical thing - this picture, trophy, artifact, gift - is actually about that relationship, that truth, that reality, that moment in time. 
This is actually about that. 

Whether it's what we do with our energies

or how we feel about our bodies

or wanting to have the control in relationships

or trying to recover from heartbreak

or dealing with ferocious appetites

or the difficulty of communicating clearly with those we love

or longing for something or someone better,

much of life is someway connected with sexuality. 

And when we begin to sort through all the issues surrounding our sexuality, we quickly end up in the spiritual. 

because this

is always about that.

...

Something deeper. Something behind it all. You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God.

Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where one is, you will always find the other. This is a book about how sexuality is the "this" and spirituality is the "that". To make sense of the one, we have to explore the other.

And that; is what this book is about. "


Like how Jacob somehow led to sex.
Weird. 
This and that.
Oy vay. 

I adore Christopher Michael Bridge

Quote: "I’ve been frustrated the past while.

I believe it started when I got back from the therapist. I don’t think she helped. Actually, I felt more patronized and aggravated then before.

She speaks of being content with the person you are in the now. I speak of enjoying the now, and working towards the future. She becomes frustrated, because working towards a personality-driven goal instigates pursuit of the ideal self. I don’t see the harm in liking the person you are, but holding the idealized self as a goal you never intend to reach.

If I could be my idealized self, I would be able to shoot laser beams from my palms and become the hero of humanity, and probably not waste my time in a therapist's office."

Chris, have I ever told you you are incredible?

Cavoli Riscaldati

So, recently, a  friend extremely dear to my heart and I were talking on the phone, and got onto the topic of re-cooked cabbage.  

You see, the term "cavoli riscaldati",  is used by Italians to describe reviving old relationships.
 They believe the concept is similar to reheated cabbage because the result of such a culinary effort is usually unworkable, messy and distasteful. In short, they're saying that nothing is ever the same the second time around. It's hard to start something up once it has ended. 
This is usually referring to old flames, but I believe it applies to all relationships. When someone has been hurt, or something has occured to damage the bond you once shared, it is near impossible to salvage the leftover bits. 
Well, I can't really help but see a whole lot of re-cooked cabbage in my life right about now. 

The Covenant

In Your gospels You speak of hope
Of surrender and supplication.
But my only sacrifice as of late
is of Your sustenance, that I dismiss as fate.
My soul deflates and my heart it waits
For a sign, for your subtle whisper
To sooth my sorrowed soul with it's sweet song.
For your able hands to lift me high above the ruins
of my shattered, scrambled self
Open my eyes, My sufficient, reverent Savior.
I'm straining my ears, holding back tears
listening for that calm, tranquil voice, giving me the choice
To start fighting, or resume falling
Into the darkness and out of Your arms.
In Your gospels You speak of hope.

Mahala Sarah Woodford

Blues for sister someone

"The key to being successful is what we give up. Sleep, friends, a normal life. We sacrifice it all for one amazing moment. There are days that make the sacrifices seem worthwhile. 

Then there are the days where everything feels like a sacrifice. 

And then there are the sacrifices that you cant even figure out why you're making.
A wise man once said you can have anything in life if you will sacrifice everything else for it. 

What he meant, is nothing comes without a price. 

So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you're willing to lose. 

Too often, going after what feels good means letting go of what you know is right, 

and letting someone in means abandoning the walls you've spent a lifetime building. 

Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don't see coming, 

when we don't have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss. 

When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around,

 that's when the sacrifice can turn out to be more than we can bear.

We are so fragile, and our cracking bones make noise

I love this city.
I know that 6 months ago, amidst the clouds and snow and emptiness, I hated this city.
Every few months I hate this city. 
But in the sunshine, listening to birds and watching little ladies walk their dogs, or driving out to the really sketchy part of town where you can put your car in neutral and the magnetic force can pull your car up a hill... or going out for Vietmanese food with Nik, and accidentally causing a few cans of fancy scottish "irn bru" to explode everywhere.
I love going to the lagoon at 3am with my friends (and being chased by cougars) and having dinner at Mrs Ritchies with my daddy. 
But for some reason I'm moving to a province where I don't know anyone. A cold, snowy province with no lagoon, or freaky magnetic military base, and no Pho A Dong's... (home of the most delicious spring rolls EVER).
I'm just going to be alone again. 

How can I catch up when I don't want to?

Last night, every single verse I turned to in my bible was about hope.

Drew a line into the sand, jumped across and held your hand

I am really excited about the future. Like, really really. 
I know that I've mentioned this before, but I'm not sure if I've REALLY mentioned how much the future excites me. I have never felt this way before. The future has always been the enemy. This dark cloaked thing that loomed ahead of me. I am so excited about this new, fresh canvas spread out before me... everything seems to limitless. I am so excited to spend my life singing and dancing and speak for the Lord. What a blessing it is! 
It's scary, infinitely so; a new place with new people, none of which I actually know.... but I cannot WAIT. I mean, how lucky am I? To spend a summer with people whom I love, kids I adore beyong belief, telling them that Jesus lived, died, and CAME BACK for US. To move across the country and continue doing it. What a blessing! Praise Jesus. 

But that September sky, how it whispered "I love you".

So I was reading my dear friend Caitlyn Spence's blog, because hers is a perspective I cherish above most others (save Jesus and Reba - from my corps, not McEntire). 
A few posts, she referred back to a posting from that week a few years ago.
I think that sounds like fun... or, again, a good source of perspective. 

monday, april 21, 2008

Boys (le gasp!)

Definitely the theme of the week, or month, or eternity.
Well, I'm definitely taking a break. Like, a complete stall on anything slightly boy-shaped. I was never the one aching for a relationship, for validation in the form of hugs and kisses. It's just not my style. And I've always said that you shouldn't be in a relationship until you're comfortable being alone. When you're feeling like only part of a person, it's usually pretty ridiculous to try and fill that emptiness with another person. So I'm learning to be comfortable alone again, like I used to be, one upon a... 3 months ago. And then if someone incredible comes along, great. And if not, I know that will be okay, too. 

Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
but the next time a guy comes around, i want a normal crush, one that leaves me all giggly and feeling good, not rotten and depressed
Chelle says:
haha i don't ever have one without the other
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
i think as we get older, unless the crushes turn into, i dont know, boyfriends, or mutual feelings, it always just feels rotten
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
cause we get older and it becomes more serious
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
it isnt a meaningless crush anymore
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
everything has meaning
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
...i want to be 12 again
Evangeline says:
Aww, me too. Actually, I want to be 8
Molly There's something dancing here in the shadows, and I wish it were us says:
8 was a bad year for me

sunday, april 22, 2007

So I realized today that I haven't actually posted anything of substance here lately.
Maybe there was just too much to say that I couldn't voice properly.
My like has been going along so well.
That's probably a major lie. My family is a mess. My dad is depressed and there's nothing
I can do. My Opa is being put in a retirement home soon. My dad is having "job issues" and
that's affecting our "financial issues". Now I've never really been a stickler for financial security, but there are some things I just require. Like a phone, my internet connection, a house.
I'm scared. So scared.
I don't know what to do.
I want to get a job, but I'm too busy with jobies until June.
I have all the stupid grad stress of prom and grad fees and PASSING classes and I'm so freaking worried that my little perfect life is going to shatter. Again.
Back when my mom died, I had a stellar life going. Amazing friends, grades, life.
After spending months trying to hide my moms illness, I guess it was a pretty big deal when she up and died. My friends had no idea she was even very sick. They weren't sure how to deal with me, and I wasn't sure what to do either. I went on faking it. I kept everything peachy, but it wasn't. Goodbye friends,goodbye grades,goodbye perfect life.
I'm a completely different person now. My life is amazing, but in a new way.
I'm a much stronger person now, and a lot more levelheaded... but I cant help but worry at the end of all this I'll be right back where I started; Not knowing who I am or where I'm going and feeling completely alone.
I know my friends care about me and I should be telling them what's going on... but I don't want to seem dramatic. Just like in grade 9... I don't want to be brushed off.
All I can see in the future is turmoil, and I just want to hold onto this perfect life forever.

(In reference to 2007)

I can't believe how much has changed since then. I feel like such a dramatically different person, and I thank God each day for that.  I am so excited for the future, and I am blessed that God has taken the fear from my heart, and made me ready to leap forward into the unknown. 
I am so thankful for each and every opportunity, and can't wait to get my life started. 

....and as for the post from one year ago... not much has changed. Michelle and I pretty much have that chat every night at Pipers. 

Waiting, nothing but our beating hearts, going far.

I really miss you.
Really very truly miss you. 
You're so many things, so many people... a feeling, a thought, a moment suspended in time.
You're my best from from grade 9, you're my delicate flower of a mother. 
You're the boy who first stole my heart, and made me believe in true love.
You're the girl I spent hours talking to about everything and nothing (and sometimes still do).
You're the smell of Spring, the glowing Summer sun and the first leaves of Autumn.  

You're rodeos and days at the lake, you're bike rides and carnival food. 
You're everything that has ever made my head soar or my heart burst.
And I miss you. 

Tyler makes another "witty" Oompa Loompa joke

Tyler

easters coming up so I will understand if youre not at church tomorrow, the chocolate factory must be insane right now

work,work,work

2:21amMolly

haha

d-bag 

2:21amTyler

lol

2:21amMolly

but I actually wont be there tomorrow... its heartbreaking, really

2:22amTyler

I understand

2:22amMolly

haha

2:22amTyler

just remember this

2:22amMolly

why am I friends with you again?

2:22amTyler

I have no clue

but I really should sleep now

2:23amMolly

what am I remembering?

2:23amTyler

oh right

2:23amMolly

hahaha

2:24amTyler

you will be making thousands of children happy due to your hard work aiding the easter bunny at his job as well

so dont feel so bad about not going to church

2:24amMolly

you're a bad person

haha

2:24amTyler

no way

2:24amMolly

i love you, though

and one day maybe I'll remember why

2:25amTyler

lol

Wise Words

"The problem with a living sacrifice, is that it always tries to crawl off the altar."

Simply Nothing

So hard to fathom the pain in Your eyes
As You're watching Your children, doing what You despise
In pursuit of our own
We just go round and round
Another nail to our cause
We continue to pound

What are you, man, if you do not learn love
What are you, man, if you do not learn love

So hard to fathom, the feelings inside
As You're watching Your people choosing to die
You called out a warning
To all that would hear
Saying come to Me, come to Me
And I will draw near
Learn love

I must

Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love
Learn love

Blasts from the past?

20th July, 2006. 1:40 pm.

I don't know what to do about my dad today.
I talked to Shawn about it. 
That's why I have God, he told me.. he's the father that never messes up.

I was talking to my brother last night, and I buest into tears.
I told him everything. 
About how I hated him for leaving, for never staying in touch with me.. for leaving me when I didn't have anyone.
He told me our family is there for me... but he doesn't see how they've changed.
How Oma looks at me differently now... 
Mom died, and then he left.
It's like when she died, so did he.
I lost both of them.
Dad and I, we're not a family.
I just want a real family.
I don't want his broken promises or his lies.. I want security.

I hate him.
I hate them both.
I hate everyone for doing this to me.
Although, after seeing my friend's families, I feel kind of lucky, that for the first 15 years of my life, I had a great mom.
The kind who would make you hot chocolate when you got home from school in winter,
or help you with your spelling words.
The kind that cut the crust off your sandwiches and baked.
The kind that kissed you goodnight every night.
I miss the christmas' as a family
or the summers at the lake.
I miss the type of mom that when you had strep throat and couldn't go trick or treating, bought a huge thing of candy, made you dress up, and go door to door in your house and get candy.
It was corny, but the best Halloween ever.
And then less then two months later she was dead.
The type of mom that when asked if she was afraid to die, sid that she had faith that God would take her up to Heaven.
She'd lost everything, but she still had her faith.
Why would she be the one to die, in a world of horrible people?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

2nd August, 2006. 3:41 am.

Happy Birthday Dad, Wherever you are.

4th August, 2006. 4:33 pm.

I waited for you last night.
I waited 6 hours.
I wasn't surprised you didn't come home, but I cried for an hour anyway.
I waited. I had a present for you. 
I've been saving up for it... money doesn't exactly exist in this house.
No one can tell me that "he's trying his best" or "just have faith in him" EVER again.
I only have faith in my God.
Everyone leaves.
I can trust myself.. I can take CARE of myself.
I've had that strength forever.
Maybe it was from everyone saying "oh Molly, you're so strong"
I thought, better not disappoint them.
I waited, and prayed that he'd be there in the morning.
It's just like when I was little, and my parents wouldn't be home EXACTLY when they said they would be. I'd complain to my brother but he'd just tell me to goto bed and they'd be there in the morning.
And they always would be.
We have to move tomorrow, nothing is packed, we have nowhere to live.
We're being kicked out and he doesn't even come home.
He thinks that if he can hide away that life will just disappear, his problems will just disappear. I'll disappear.
Maybe I will.
Maybe I should.
I'm tired of the landlords screaming at ME everyday.
The sick thing is, I miss him.
I just want him to come home so I can cry to him and he can comfort me into false sense of security. Then he'll leave again, as fast as he returned.
But that's better than this.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of what is going to happen tomorrow.
I'm homeless and parentless.
And I'm so scared.

I love looking backwards at who I was compared to who I am now.
To see the little miracles that have taken place in my life.
Hallelujah!

In The Midnight Hour

When you're little, night time is scary because there are monsters hiding right under the bed. 

When you get older, the monsters, are different... self doubt, loneliness, regret... and though you may be older and wiser, you still find yourself scared of the dark. 

Sleep. It's the easiest thing to do. You just... close your eyes. But for so many of us, sleep seems out of our grasp. 

We want it, but, we don't know how to get it. But once we face our demons, face our fears, and turn to each other for help, 

night time is not so scary, because we realize, we are not all alone in the dark. 

Great Expectations

• No one believes their life will turn out just kind of okay, we all think we're going to be great; we are filled with expectation. Expectations of the trails we will blaze, the people we will help, the difference we will make. Great Expectations of who we will be, where we will go; and then, we get there. 
  We all think we're going to be great. And we feel a little bit robbed when our expectations aren't met. But sometimes, our expectations sell us short. Sometimes the expected simply pales in comparison to the unexpected. You gotta wonder why we cling to our expectations because the expected is just what keeps us steady, standing, still. The expected's just the beginning. The unexpected is what changes our lives 

Staring at the Sun

Many people don't know that the human eye has a blind spot in it's field of vision. There's a part of the world we are literally blind to. The problem is, sometimes our blind spots shield us from things that really shouldn't be ignored. Sometimes our blind spots keep our lives bright and shiny. When it comes to our blind spots, maybe our brains aren't compensating. Maybe they're protecting us.

Jonathan "Pugsley" Close

So this weekend was pretty much terrible. It's taken me until now to actually write about it.
Writing about it makes it real.. makes it less of a dream.
If everyone is okay with it, I'm going to write this entry TO Jonathan... Because I find it easier than talking about someone... and because, well, I wish I could talk to him right now. 
I'm normally pretty good with the coping, with the adapting to trauma. Taking grief in stride.
Which, if you think about it, is pretty sick. It's just the way I'd become, I suppose. I liked to think that, eventually, I'd grow out of it. Be able to mourn again. To cry for loved ones lost. 
Well, I think I have. Seeing everyone this weekend changed everything. When I heard you were gone, suffice it to say, I was shocked. I didn't know what to feel, or how. It was like I didn't have those emotional pain sensors in me anymore. After awhile, I cried, but only because I felt like it was the appropriate thing to do. You were my best friend for the first seven years of my life. We did everything together, you were my constant, the one person I could depend on. Our relationship was never complex, we never hurt oneanother. When we spoke, it was easy, we laughed and we poked fun at eachother. And your parents, oh, they loved you so much... you are still their entire world. Seeing them this weekend was my breaking point. I grew up with your mom being like a parent to me. She yelled at me just like any other mom, and I think she even sent me to my room sometimes. Or everytime I entered a room, hearing your dad sing "Well, Golly Molly" (I always hated that).  I grew up assuming your family WAS my family. I didn't know anything else. Seeing them fall apart was the hardest thing I think I've ever witnessed. 
Having your mom collapse in my arms, hearing your dad say he was worried about her having a bath with supervision, it was like everything I knew, everything I had ever depended on, was gone in a flash. Sitting with your mom, while she sat flipping through photo albums of you, refusing to eat or tear her eyes away from your things for even a moment. The whole day is a blur of tears and prayers and having your mom whispering  again and again that you were "such a good boy... never said a bad thing about anyone... always smiling". 
And I met your daughter; she is so beautiful. She has your eyes. I heard from everyone that she was your entire world, that you loved her so much. That you practiced carrying the babyseat before she was even born... and it sounds just like you. She has your eyes. 
It was so bizarre, being home again. I think I will always think of that town as home. Those people will always be my family. Your parents, and your brothers, Lois and John. No matter what I do in life, or where I go, I can still return and know without a doubt that there are people there who have my back no matter what, because they have since I could barely walk. It's one thing to be raised by a great family. But you and I, we were raised by an entire town. And loved. You were loved by that entire town, and even now, they are your biggest fans.  
The last thing I said to your mom, was the thing I remember her always saying to me... "You're the daughter I never had, Molly" ... I told her to be strong, because she was the only mom I had left.  She hugged me tighter than I have ever been hugged and whispered, "thank you"... and I had hope.
 You were the ultimate example of "glass half full" kind of person. 
I have faith, too, that everything will be alright.